The next day, Scotty made his decision. They were sitting in the small dining area at the rear of the ship, continuing what Sabrina called Scotty's re-socialization and Khediva referred to as "Trying to get some manners into that boy this time." It was also a science experiment, checking to see how his tastes had changed. They had, radically.
The cheeseburger Khediva had supplied for him his first day aboard, which she admitted was the triumph of affection over good judgment, had been firmly rejected after the first bite. In fact he flatly refused to believe he had ever eaten such a thing, despite Sabrina and Tirqwin's assurances. He still liked butter brickle ice cream, though. Sabrina clung to that as the one thing she'd seen so far that proved her brother was part of this new person, even as Scotty grimaced at pizza and proved allergic to licorice. He liked Praxatillian ale but detested the Earth beer Khediva fabricated. The list went on and on, with Khediva and Tirqwin being alternately amused and perplexed, trying to find a pattern to the changes. Ford contributed by thinking up obscure dishes for Scotty to try, most of which Sabrina had never heard of before.
"Enough," Tirqwin said, as Ford chortled his way through another bizarre-sounding suggestion. "It is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever whether Scotty can stomach Ptearean cuisine. We're far more interested in how he reacts to foods he's been known to eat before. Sabrina, any more ideas?"
Sabrina had been very quiet throughout the meal, though she made sure to eat enough to avoid any comments on her appetite. She sighed and pushed her mostly empty plate away. "No. I'm out of ideas, I'm afraid. I have a bit of a headache, Tirqwin; I'm going to lie down for a while."
Her three companions stared after her as she left. Then Tirqwin said, "Maybe I should check on her."
"Leave the child alone, Tirqwin," Khediva said. "This is all very hard for her; it is no wonder she cannot stand prolonged doses of it."
"Of me, you mean," Scotty said, without rancor. He sighed. "This is all a waste of time. Time we don't have."
"We have plenty of time," Tirqwin said.
"No you don't. I overheard Dr. Renkayta say the other day that you'd have to leave soon."
Tirqwin grimaced. "It is true that Khediva and I need to travel periodically, to keep our abilities at their peak. But you do not have to leave when we do."
"What about you?" Scotty asked Ford.
"I...doubt I'll be allowed to stay very long after Father's gone."
"They hold him responsible for you. For Sabrina too. They'll make her leave too," Scotty said.
"Probably," Tirqwin admitted at last.
"And I'll be stuck here as the resident experiment."
"You may choose to go live with my House," Tirqwin said, "or you may choose to go to Praxatillus."
"But if I go, I'll never be allowed to come back."
"That has not been determined," Tirqwin said.
"But it's probably true."
"Maybe."
"Then I'd lose the choice of whether to try to get my old memories back."
"If they refused to let you return, yes. But I would think they would want to follow up on your health periodically," Tirqwin said.
"If I choose to go back to Praxatillus, neither planet is going to want me wandering back and forth," Scotty pointed out. "I learned that much from the history vids! Homeworld's afraid of me because I hijacked a High Wayship once, and Praxatillus is going to be afraid I'm some kind of sleeper and that someday Homeworld will activate some kind of recall device implanted in my brain or something and I'll reveal everything I know about Praxatillus."
Khediva said, "I never knew paranoia was genetic, but obviously that chromosome is intact, Tirqwin."
"Scotty was not paranoid," Tirqwin said, "he just—"
"There you go again! Talking about me—him—in the past tense!" Scotty exclaimed. "As if he's dead. As if I killed him or something."
"Scotty—" Tirqwin began, aghast. He hesitated before continuing. "I am sorry. It was a careless mistake. And no one here thinks you killed your—your predecessor."
"Sabrina does. That's why she's been wandering around here like a—like a—" Scotty broke off, frustrated at his lack of a simile. "Like she's in mourning. Because she is. For him. And she can't bear it that I can't be who he was. Everything I do is wrong! I don't walk properly, or speak properly, or anything, but when I ask her how I'm supposed to do it she just says to be myself! Well, I can't be myself. I don't remember how. And I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of not knowing. I can't stand it anymore!"
There was silence for a moment. Then Khediva said, "Scotty, as much as I love Sabrina, I have to say this. You cannot make a decision like this based on her feelings."
"It's not just her. It's all of you. And I'm sure if I went to Praxatillus it would be worse. All the people who cared about him would act just the same, would be comparing me to him all the time and be disappointed! It would be like being set down in the middle of a holovid drama without a script. Everybody knows things I don't, and nobody will tell me anything!"
There was another tense silence before Tirqwin said, "What do you think we are not telling you, Scotty?"
"How much you all loved him, and how much you all hate me because I'm not him. That you all think it would have been easier to let his body die and mourn him than deal with me. That I am a mistake."
"None of that is true, Scotty. None of us thinks that," Tirqwin said quietly.
"Sabrina thinks it."
Ford looked sharply at him. "She never said that to you!"
"She didn't have to. I may not be him, but I'm not stupid."
"This is a difficult time for her," Tirqwin said. "What she feels now may not be an accurate indicator of how she will feel later, when she has had more time to adjust. She is inherently a fair and compassionate person, and she will accept you once she has dealt with her own loss."
"But why should she deal with it? Why should any of you? We can get him back."
"There are serious doubts about that," Khediva reminded him.
Tirqwin added, "None of us here is willing to sacrifice you."
"Why not? Scotty sacrificed himself for you. For all of you. That demands something in return, doesn't it? If not, why did you do all this? You did it to get him back. And you ended up with just me."
"Do not denigrate that," Tirqwin said. "You cannot be the Scotty who was, but you are his legacy to us. We value that. We value you. If you feel you owe something to the old Scotty, then live your life in a way he would be proud of. Make something of it. Finish his work, perhaps."
"I'm not doing this out of guilt," Scotty said. "But...I don't know if I can explain this in any way you can understand. Without my memories, I don't fit anywhere. No place feels like home. No one feels like my family. I don't belong. And it's easy for you to tell me to go make a new life where I do belong, but it's a rule of navigation that to plot a course you need a starting point. You can't get where you want to go without knowing where you are. And I don't. Without my memory, I never will. And I'll always wonder what he would have done, if I hadn't stolen his life."
"You did not steal—" Tirqwin began.
"I know that! But I can't feel it!" Scotty burst out. "I feel like I'm a stranger in this body. In this life. I feel like an imposter, and I hate it! I...I'm grieving for somebody I didn't even know. At least you know who you're missing. I don't, and I never can unless you let me have my memories!"
"That," Tirqwin said, "is your decision. It has always been. But we have to be sure you are not making it hastily, or for the wrong reasons. I cannot stress enough how risky the procedure is, Scotty. And you may think yourself a poor substitute for the old Scotty—though I assure you we do not—but you are far, far better than a vegetable, or a raving lunatic. If Sabrina's attitude, or any of our attitudes, make you feel guilty, think how much worse it would be for us if you took that risk and it failed. Sabrina is mourning the old Scotty, it is true. But she will be no better off mourning him and you. Especially if she thinks she had anything to do with your decision."
"I'm making this decision for myself," Scotty said. "Not because of any of you."
"I am glad to hear that," Khediva said dryly. "But I would be happier if I really believed it."
Ford said, "Stop being so hard on him, you two. Of course your attitudes affect him. He can't help that. But if you refuse to believe he's acting in his own interest just because you think you've influenced him unfairly, then you're being as bad as Sabrina was. You said you'd abide by his decision, so do it."
Tirqwin stared at his son; Khediva's silence became glacial. Scotty said, "Thank you. You're the one person here I think is even close to being objective."
Ford grinned a little. "Nobody in my family is objective about the Devons. You can't be, when you've been raised on bedtime stories about their heroic deeds and angelic characters."
"Yes, but you don't have a lot of actual personal memories about him. From what I gather, you've probably actually spent more time with me."
"Probably," Ford acknowledged.
"And you'll support me?"
"You don't need an ally, Scotty," Ford said. "Father and Khediva are honorable; they'll keep their word. And Sabrina knows she doesn't have the right to choose for you now that you're educated enough to understand the situation."
Scotty grimaced. "Do you think we should tell her beforehand?"
"Yes!" the others chorused. Ford added, "You don't really know her very well, do you? She'd never forgive us if we didn't tell her!"
"I was just thinking it would spare her some worry—"
"No," Tirqwin said firmly. "Sabrina must be told. And you must be the one who tells her."
"She's going to try to talk you out of it, of course," Ford said. "And she's very good at persuasion. It will be a good test of your determination."
"Right," Tirqwin agreed. "If you can hold your own in the face of Sabrina's efforts, I will be confident you truly believe your decision is the right one."
"Think about it tonight, Scotty," Khediva advised. "Then, if you still feel the same tomorrow morning, you can tell Sabrina then."
He sighed. "Something to look forward to."