"Ready?" Tirqwin asked.
Sabrina took a deep breath and looked at the door to the room where Scotty waited. He had been allowed his own quarters a few days ago, when the science team became confident that his physical condition was stabilized. At least this reunion would not have to take place in front of an audience. There was only Tirqwin and Ford, whom Sabrina had asked to come along. She wasn't sure why she wanted his support, but she did.
"Sabrina," Ford said, touching her shoulder lightly, "I remember what it felt like to have Mother look at me like a stranger. Just remember, it will pass. It's not permanent. It's not the end of the world. It will just feel like it for a moment."
"Gee, thanks," Sabrina murmured.
He smiled at her, glad she had the presence of mind to be sarcastic.
"Okay. I'm ready," she said, squaring her shoulders.
Tirqwin palmed the lock, and the door slid open. He went inside first, and Sabrina could hear him say, "Good morning, Scotty. How are you feeling?"
"Fine, Father. How are you?"
"Likewise," Tirqwin replied.
"Did you bring her?" The eagerness in his voice sounded almost like the old Scotty, and Sabrina felt herself begin to tremble a bit. Ford laid a warm hand on her shoulder again and smiled encouragingly.
Meeting his bright blue gaze, Sabrina was struck suddenly by their rapport. It was recent, born of short but intense time together, and yet it seemed almost as strong as the rapport she had shared with Scotty, born of a lifetime's experience and common background. At a time when all her other relationships seemed to be shifting, it was inexpressibly comforting to have this one stable bond to count on. Maybe that was why she had wanted him here, she thought.
"I'll be right there with you," he whispered.
"Are you sure you're not still reading my mind?" she whispered back.
Ford grinned. "If I could do that, Sabrina, we'd all have had a much more comfortable few days. Come on."
To take that step across the threshold seemed incredibly hard suddenly, and in the end she thought Ford actually gave her a little push to get her started. But however she did it, a second later she was standing in the room with the man who had been—still was—her brother.
He looked somehow less like Scotty now that his face was animated, alive. The baby blue eyes were the same shade, but they held a bright, open eagerness that was alien to the laid back, never-quite-serious person Scotty had always tried to appear. It was like looking at him as a child again, she thought, and suddenly felt very old.
"You're Sabrina, my sister," he said wonderingly, studying her in detail.
She didn't know what to say to that. An introduction died in her throat; it seemed so silly. So shattering. "What...have they told you about me?" was what finally came out of her mouth.
Scotty smiled—not his usual feckless grin, just a simple expression of amusement. "That you were pretty."
Sabrina darted a glance at Tirqwin, who returned it with the merest suggestion of a shrug. Then she looked back at Scotty. "That wasn't quite what I meant."
"I know." For a moment, he sounded just as cheeky as she remembered. Then he sobered. "They say you loved me very much. That you've been sad and worried about me."
"I have been."
"Then why haven't you come to see me before?"
Sabrina's gaze fell. It took her a moment to be able to answer. "I was afraid I couldn't bear it."
There was a pause while Scotty digested this. "Tirqwin's explained it all to me, that I've had to be changed, and that's why I can't remember anything. I...was hoping I would remember you, when I saw you."
"But you don't." Sabrina said it for him.
"No. I wish I did." He cocked his head and looked at her closely again. "Do you look anything like our mother?"
Sabrina closed her eyes and shook her head. "Not very much," she managed to say after a moment. She looked at Tirqwin. "Didn't you give him the photos?"
"No. I thought it would be better to wait until you could explain them," Tirqwin replied. He drew the pocket-sized mini photo album out of his jacket pocket and handed it to her. She'd brought it with her from Earth, to help her remember. She'd never thought she'd be using it this way.
Taking a deep breath, she went over to sit beside Scotty and open the album. They went through the pictures in detail, with Sabrina explaining such things as why their parents' wedding photo was black and white and that the one of Aunt Euphrasia was twenty years old because she refused to have her photo taken since her hair lost its color. "She lives in London. Um, that's the capital city of—"
"The United Kingdom, yes, I know," Scotty said. "I've done a sleep learning class on Earth."
"Oh. Good."
"Who's this?" Scotty pointed to the picture of a strawberry blonde woman with deep blue eyes, standing on a beach and smiling.
"That's Cynthia. Cynthia Grayson. She was my best friend all through junior high and high school, until we had to move to England." Sabrina smiled. "She was the only one of my friends you ever liked."
"And who's that?" He had turned the page and was staring at the next photo.
Sabrina leaned over to look. "That's you."
"Really?" He peered more closely at the picture.
"Yeah. At your commissioning. That's your Air Force uniform."
"We didn't look much alike even then," he mused.
"No, not really. You look like Dad's side of the family. I look more like Aunt Euphrasia."
Scotty flipped back to the most recent picture of their parents, a family portrait taken two years before their deaths, and considered it. Sabrina was surprised and relieved that he seemed more interested in who looked like whom than in what had happened to them.
"Do you have a picture of Mara?" Scotty asked suddenly.
"Um, no. I didn't have my camera on Praxatillus," Sabrina said. "Khediva has to have a ton of holos of her, though." She looked up at Tirqwin. "Is there some reason he shouldn't go aboard?"
"No," Tirqwin said. "None at all, now that you've met. Would you like to go aboard Khediva, Scotty?"
"Aboard a Wayship?" Scotty's face shone with excitement. "Of course I'd like to!"
"Come along, then." Tirqwin led him from the room.
Sabrina sighed and relaxed a little. She hadn't realized how tense she was until that moment.
"All right?" Ford asked her, squeezing her shoulder.
"Yeah. I think so." She managed a chuckle. "Some things don't change: he'd forget everything the moment he laid eyes on a new toy. And by any standard, Khediva's the ultimate."
"True."
"He's all right, isn't he?" Sabrina asked suddenly, casting a pleading gaze at him.
"Yes, of course he is. They've run about every test they can think of; his cognitive abilities—"
"No, I mean his feelings. He's doing okay, isn't he? Without his memories?"
"I don't know. Only he can answer that, and probably not quite yet," Ford said. "We'll have to wait and see."
——————————
Scotty spent most of the next two days aboard Khediva, asking incessant questions about whatever occurred to him. Tirqwin and Khediva tried to take the brunt of the questioning, but there were so many things only Sabrina could tell him about. Though resolved to be strong, Sabrina found it painful to have to tell him simple things about their childhood and parents, and was close to breaking down and weeping a few times. But Ford always seemed to step in right before she reached that point, deflecting Scotty's thoughts onto a new track or, when that didn't work, telling him bluntly that Sabrina was tired and needed to rest.
Tirqwin finally had the time and energy to notice that Sabrina and his son were closer than he'd realized. Asking Khediva about it was less than enlightening; she seemed remarkably uncurious about it. So, one night when Scotty and Sabrina were both asleep, Tirqwin found Ford moping restlessly around the control deck and decided to go to the source.
"You and Sabrina seem very comfortable together. As if you have known each other a long time," Tirqwin remarked. "It has been my experience that both she and Scotty tend to keep people at a distance at first."
Ford gave a rueful smile. "Yes, but I'm not 'people,' Father. She accepted me the moment she found out who I was, when she made all the best assumptions about me. I know she's tried to fight against those assumptions until she can verify them against reality, but she can't help herself. When she looks at me, she sees something wonderful. All the things I've wanted to be, I guess. I'd have to be a stone not to find that irresistible. Besides, we were linked together on Stanos for a while. We've been in each other's heads. Well, mostly I've been in hers," he admitted sheepishly. Seeing his father's frown, he hurried to add, "Anyway, it's all very simple, Father: she needed someone, and I was there. I told her I'd adopt her as my honorary little sister."
"A substitute brother?" Tirqwin mused. "Well, I am glad for that." He paused, then said, "I can tell, from things she has said, and has not said, that she and Mara must have had—maybe not an argument, but a discussion of some kind, setting things straight. It was inevitable; one of the reasons Sabrina said she had to go back to Earth was that she would never learn to be a subject. But I wish Mara had been able to wait until this was settled. It must have upset Sabrina. Something did, something that made her so much more susceptible to pain than pleasure. I know she was that way during the Regency, but I hoped she would get over it on Earth. She was not like that before. But this whole nonsense about Scotty's memories being painful or a burden has to be coming from that; she is focused on pain instead of joy."
"She's been focused on losing Scotty," Ford said. "And Tassan, too."
"Tassan? Tassan who?" Tirqwin asked, perplexed.
Ford took a deep breath. "Tassan Nikolar. Did you know him? No? He was a member of the Citizen's Council. A charter member. He died while we were back on Praxatillus. A lot of her friends have died since she left, Father. But she got to see Tassan. And then he died and she sang at his funeral. That was hard for her." He paused. "They...evidently they were in love. She was planning to marry him when she came back from Earth."
Tirqwin stared at him. "By the First Ship...ninety-two years. Oh, Sabrina. I never knew."
"Nobody knew," Ford said. "She only told me because I knew there was something wrong. And, I think, because she had to tell someone. She's had a lot of losses lately, Father. No wonder she's focused on pain."
"No wonder," Tirqwin repeated.
They stood there, mulling over the situation, until Sabrina wandered onto the control deck. "I can't sleep," she said. "What's going on?"
"Sabrina," Tirqwin asked, "when was the last time you were happy? The last time you felt joy?"
Sabrina frowned and thought about it. "Well, I was happy to see several people on Praxatillus, but if you're talking about joy, well, it was kind of a bittersweet happiness, I guess. They have all lived so long without me, and it seems like everyone lost something during the Regency, and I remember that when I look at them. Joy...hm. I guess...." She trailed off, then smiled at Tirqwin. "When you looked at me on Stanos and finally recognized me, said my name. I felt joy then."
He smiled back. "Just for a moment, and then you began scolding me for not inviting you to meet the children earlier." He sobered. "Sabrina, I know you must resent me a little for all the time—"
She shook her head. "No. It wasn't anybody's fault, Tirqwin. I had this all out with Mara. It was just the way things turned out. I'm not bitter about it."
He stepped forward and took her hands. "Tell me, Sabrina, do you think your life has been more pain than joy?"
Sabrina couldn't hold his gaze for more than a moment, looking away and biting her lip. She obviously didn't want to disappoint him with her answer, but at the same time she wasn't willing to lie to him. "I think," she said finally, "that joy is a rare and precious thing, Tirqwin."
Tirqwin sighed. "Then obviously we must find a way to make sure you get more of it. What do you think Scotty would have answered, Sabrina?"
"I don't know."
"It is easy to see the pain in his memories, but did you come across any joy?"
"Sure. His commissioning; the adrenaline rush he got out of piloting a really fast jet; that sort of thing."
"I found some too," Tirqwin said. "Seeing the joy on Mara's face at our wedding made him happy. And he was so proud of you the night you made your speech from the throne, Sabrina. And when he got promoted to Captain. When he came tearing back from Deltarr and found out you were not dying after all. When I came back to life in that shuttle. When he got word the peace treaty was signed."
"I know what you're trying to tell me, Tirqwin. And it's probably true; Scotty probably would say he's had more happiness than sorrow. But that isn't the only thing to consider, is it? This memory transfer process has never been tried. It could leave him comatose, or insane. What I'm saying is, with that risk, maybe it's not worth it. He can get those joys for himself, and the pain too, probably." She sighed in frustration. "Anyway, Khediva says you'll abide by his decision, not mine, so why are you bothering to talk me around?"
"Because your opinion matters," Tirqwin replied. "It always has."
Sabrina sighed and pulled away. "Sometimes I wish it didn't." She rubbed at her forehead. "Your turn, Tirqwin. So what's it been: more joy, or more pain?"
"Joy," he replied. "Maybe less frequent, but more intense. Few things in the universe can compare with having your own child placed in your arms."
They both glanced at Ford, who looked as if he didn't know how to respond. Sabrina said, "How about you, Ford? Joy or pain?"
"Taking a poll, are you?" he teased.
"Don't change the subject."
He shrugged. "I don't know about joy, but it's been more good than bad, I guess."
"Well, that settles it," Sabrina said, folding her arms. "When this is all over with, you and I are obviously going to have to go search for some joy."
Ford grinned as Tirqwin chuckled.