Whatever levity that Charles had been able to summon didn't last the next day. I had noticed a distinct silence towards us from the rest of the first class passengers, and actual hostility towards Will. Whether it was a glare or an actual insult whispered, I could see it stung. I was glad when another officer, Pitman, arrived to take Will up to the bridge area to discuss something with the other officers. It left me time to find Mother, wrapped in a blanket and staring out at the sea. The weather had turned as we drew close, rain slowing our progress towards New York. Two ships had come upon us though, in the early morning. I had no idea who they were exactly, but the bright white paint on both of them was the signature of the US Navy.
Mother looked out at them, the light giving her face a gray cast. "An escort, I suppose."
"Yes, I wonder why." I leaned back in my chair, watching the ships through the window. They were only slightly smaller than the Carpathia, but their four funnels, streaming black smoke behind them, spoke to much more powerful engines. The water surged around their bows, foam thrown up into the air. A bank of fog had rolled in overnight, and the ships stuck close to us as we all made our way slowly through the sea.
"We have probably made the front page." Her voice was flat, and she dropped her gaze. I sat with her for awhile, she didn't speak much but occasionally reached over to touch my hand or press her fingers against my hair. Some reassurance that I was still there. I merely watched the ocean, what I could see of it through the fog. It was rougher than it had been, nothing to endanger the ship but seeing some of the weaker stomachs that were onboard, I could easily imagine seasickness breaking out today. Other people were moving about, some coming in from outside or moving off to the lounge to find something to pass the time. I was content to sit next to Mother, almost falling asleep. The Carpathia rolled more than the Titanic, not much but enough to slowly rock, almost as if I was in a rocking chair. My eyes had fluttered shut when I heard it.
"Whore." A woman muttered as she walked by behind me, "Sleeping next to that murderer." By the time I had spun around, outrage boiling in me, the woman had vanished. But I could see the eyes of other passengers on me, and the whispering began. Hands covering mouths, sidelong glances, I felt like an outcast already. I watched as Samantha Reichster's eyes grew wide, her hands fluttering in mock distress as she pointed at me and began to talk to those near her. I hadn't had people gossip about me this much in a long time, since Zachary tried to pass off his attack as a rejected engagement, and being the center of attention for the gossipmongers was not something I enjoyed. I glared at them, almost ready to say something.
Mother gently grabbed my arm, "Anastasia, sit down. You will only draw more attention."
I stiffly lowered myself back into my chair, doing my best to keep my head straight and not notice them. "How can they say that? They don't even know what it's been like, he hasn't done anything. Mother, he's been perfectly respectful, I swear."
"You have been far too close to him, and some feel that he is to blame for the sinking." She talked to me like I was a child, "You must either accustom yourself to their disdain or leave him."
"They can go to Hell." I sniffed, glaring at the other women. Harpies, the lot of them. "He did all he could, I have no doubt about that."
"Perhaps you should sleep apart from him at least." Mother grimaced, "It might improve your language. Really Anastasia, I am worried. I know we have been through a trying time but you have been acting most improper with him, and you should be sleeping with the other women and leave him to sleep with the men. It's no wonder they've begun to talk the way you cling to him at night."
I bit my lip. "I can't bear the thought of sleeping next to them." I angrily jerked my head at the other women, trying to disguise the true reason. All I could think about was the nightmares, the constant grief gnawing at me that I barely managed to outrun despite my vow to not suffer from it. How at night, unless I had Will by me, I could not sleep. Not without the chance of screaming again, and I wasn't willing to risk that.
"It's improper for you to be next to him at night." Her voice was firm, "As your mother I am going to stand firm on that."
I stood, exasperation rising in my voice. "Mother, nothing about this is proper. I rowed a boat through a field of dead men! Zachary tried to have me doped to insensibility yesterday and for God's sake, Father is dead!" I saw her hazel eyes tear and her face fall. I was on my knees in an instant, grabbing for her hands. "Oh, Mother. God, I'm sorry. Please, please don't cry." I repeated this plea over and over, telling her how wrong I was, how much I loved her, that I would find some way to stop the gossip, if only she would stop crying. I was such a horrible daughter, to say such things. To not feel the grief that Mother felt.
A set of footsteps came up behind me, "Look what you've done, upsetting her like that, you worthless child. Why don't you just leave? Perhaps they'd be more accepting of your kind in steerage." I turned to see a woman I did not know, in a rather tattered gown, with a sneer on her face. Mother had stopped crying, but she did not speak. I stood, feeling an anger rising in me that left me quivering. But I could not find the words, the words to tell Mother not to listen to whatever else this woman said, that I would stay with her, and I felt tears pricking my eyes. I was frustrated and angry but I couldn't find what I wanted to say. Not without resorting to the curses I had learned and that would only make things worse.
I gave a small screech, turning away from the woman in huff. I knelt before Mother again, "Please, Mother, please. Look at me." She blinked, slowly, but she did. "You know how much I love you, how much I love," I blinked away a rush of tears, swallowing the catch in my voice, "how much I loved Father. I am horrible for what I said. Please, I'm so sorry. Forgive me, please."
Her fingers gently pushed my hair from my face. "I know, things are trying now. Perhaps we both have spoke a bit harshly." Her voice raised, "And you can leave." I saw her lift her head, staring at the woman. "My daughter is worth ten of you, and if you cannot see that then you are blind."
"She's spending time with those men, the officers who sunk the ship." The woman kept a haughty tone to her voice. "I saw them playing cards yesterday, and she follows that one like a lost puppy."
"I thought I told you to leave." Mother actually stood then, her voice firm for once. "So I would suggest you leave us before I have a steward escort you away." The woman gave an angry sniff, but turned away. It didn't stop the stares of the others though, and I felt that anger rising up in me again. I had never wanted to hurt another person, well aside from Zachary, but all I wanted was to slap that woman. Mother placed a hand on my shoulder, "I actually will go find a steward. If you insist on spending your nights with him, perhaps the best place is in a cabin where you cannot be seen. I will see about finding one. Find something to do, someplace else and they will move on to their next victim." She didn't give me a chance to respond, walking off with her head held high against the snickers of the other women.
I followed her attitude, drawing myself up and swearing to ignore the people watching me. But what to do? I wandered the ship, the class distinctions blurred in light of what had happened. Second class passengers barely paid me mind as I moved through, and third class didn't even look at me. I saw sadness in all classes, but also happiness. A woman holding her children close, a man coming up to them with some little toy in his hands. Outside on the deck was a sailor, surrounded by children, whittling them little animals and people. Some of the children wore clothing hastily made from blankets, and I saw the Countess of Rothes stitching up a shirt cut from a blanket, with a circle of other women carrying on with the cutting and basting. The thought to join them briefly passed through my mind, before remembering that I was not supposed to be drawing attention to myself. I slipped back inside, glad for the warmth.
I barely kept track of where I went, walking just to walk. It felt good to not wobble on my feet, to feel warm and whole. I breathed deeply, the air warm and clean smelling. Wandering through the maze of white halls may not have been the promenade deck I so recently enjoyed, but it was just as good. To move, to breathe, to hear people talking and know that it wasn't about me. Or Will. But eventually, I knew I had to go back. It was growing late, and while I had managed to grab some lunch during my walk, the thought of my little blanket nest was wonderful. I had almost gained the saloon when a steward stopped me, "Miss Dalian?"
"Yes?" I said tiredly. That walk had been more activity than I had thought, and all I wanted was to sleep.
"Your mother has found you a cabin, this way." The steward led me off, finally stopping in front of a second class cabin. He gave a slight smirk. "Your husband is inside." I felt myself blanch at the word husband, but opened the door and stepped through. It was tiny, a chair by a small table and a bed pushed up against a wall, a single porthole providing a bit of gray light.
Will was sat on the bed, his cap in his hands. "Ana?"
I couldn't help the smile on my face as I closed the door behind me. "Husband." It felt good to tease him a little, and I couldn't help the little flutter of my heart at the thought of actually calling Will husband seriously some day. God only knows what is waiting for us, but there might be some chance for that to be a reality in the future.
I sat next to him on the bed, leaning close to him, seeking out the smell of his aftershave. It was so fresh smelling, and I let my nose run along his cheeks. He blushed, but pulled me close. "Your mother must have been talking to Charles."
I shook my head, "My mother is trying to stop the gossiping tongues that saw us for the past few days. Apparently they've moved on from what happened and are looking for a scandal."
"I'll never understand that mindset." Will shook his own head at that, "But I'll gladly thank her for the bed." He leaned back, laying out in the bed. He had shed his greatcoat and his jacket, wearing only his waistcoat and shirtsleeves over his trousers. It made him look much more handsome to me, to have him in this state of undress. I stood, shedding my own coats before sitting back down in my dress. He had closed his eyes, his breathing deep and even, but it jumped when I ran my hand across his chest. The fabric of his shirt was smooth under my touch. I let my hand drift down his vest, I could feel the suspenders under, and I began playing with the chain of his pocket watch before moving back up to pick at the knot of his tie. It came off quickly, and I tossed it onto his other clothes. I leaned over him, kissing the very tip of his nose.
"Will, if you are to be my husband-"
"Don't tell me Charles got to you," He muttered, his eyes still closed.
I felt my fingers find the buttons of his shirt, teasing them through the buttonholes. "Actually, it was my mother. But, should we not, pose as husband and wife for a night? And what that entails?" I laid across him, kissing along his neck. His breathing sped up, his hands finding my back to press me closer. Suddenly my dress seemed so tight, and I stood, reaching around to find the buttons. It took awhile, and I fear I strained my shoulder, but soon I had them undone. I swirled my gown over his discarded clothes, all of them hanging across the back of the chair. In my nightgown I sat back down on the bed, resuming my place across his chest, placing kisses up his neck until I reached his ear. I kissed it softly, letting my teeth nibble gently at his earlobe.
Will gasped, his voice suddenly hoarse. "Ana, please," I could not tell if he was begging for me to stop or continue, but I kept at it. "I won't ruin you." He murmured, and I redoubled my efforts. He said he ruined everything not two days ago, and I was desperate. Why not ruin me? I had no doubt my reputation would be in tatters by the time we got to New York. What did it matter now? I let my fingers resume playing with the buttons on his shirt, freeing his collar and the two buttons under it. It looked rather funny to see the two wings of his collar spread out, held on only by the stud at the back. I switched my attention to the bottom of his neck, dropping my lips to the hollow of his throat. He had a bit of chest hair that rose that high, and it tickled my chin as I pressed kisses to him. His hands grasped my shoulders, pushing against me. "Ana, I mean it."
I broke off, my own breathing ragged. "Will, is it not right? Am I doing something wrong?"
He sat up, pulling me close. "No, it is. But I won't have you continue on in this way. You don't know what it brings."
I kissed him then, letting my tongue play across his lips. A warmth flared in my belly, and I heard him groan as he wrapped his arms around me, and I pulled away briefly. "I love you Will, I don't care." I wanted more from him, to feel his hands on my bare back. Being a loose woman never seemed so tempting as it did in that moment. I felt his fingers play along the neckline of my nightgown, but they didn't stray lower than that. I gave a groan, reaching for his hands to guide them lower.
He pulled away, "I do, I won't have people talking about you."
"They already are Will," I pressed myself against him, the feeling of my breasts against the firmness of his chest was maddening, my body suddenly feeling so warm that I wanted to shed my nightgown. I buried my head against his shoulder, "I've already been called a whore today, why not-"
"A whore?!" Will pulled harshly away, moving so that he sat away from me. I scrambled back, the sudden movement a shock. I suddenly felt exposed, the delicate lace and cotton of my nightgown hardly a bit of protection. I crossed my arms over my breasts, pulling my hair forward to cover them. His voice was loud, and almost frightening in its intensity. "You were called a whore?"
I looked down. "For sleeping next to you." I watched him as he stood, running his hands through his hair. He paced across the room, shoes loud against the floor, and I stayed on the bed, hopelessly watching him. "I don't care about it Will, I love you."
He stopped, throwing his hands across the back of the chair as he leaned over the table. I couldn't help but admire the way his waistcoat pulled tight against his waist, but I could practically feel the anger radiating off of him. "You keep saying that, Ana."
A chill ran through me, my heart stopping for a moment. "Will, do you not-"
"Of course I do," He turned, striding toward me and grabbing my hands. "Ana, I only asked to court you because I loved you already. Don't ever think that I don't love you." He crouched down, looking into my eyes. "But you're from of a different world, your reputation matters. And I will not be your ruin."
That word again, ruin. I wrapped my fingers through his. "Will, you could never be my ruin." I pulled him over, and he collapsed back onto the bed, his head in his hands. I kissed him again, but he didn't seem to respond. "And after all of this-"
"Your reputation will matter more than ever." He spoke firmly. "And mine will be dirt." Will stood up again and moved to the porthole, looking out. I followed him, draping my arms around his shoulders and leaning against his back. His voice was cold. "I'll be sacked from White Star, I have no doubt about that."
"I don't care." I pressed my head against his shoulder. "I have money."
"There'll be lawsuits."
"Then I'll hire lawyers."
"All your friends will cast you aside."
"Then they weren't really my friends." I felt him shake his head.
"Ana, your husband should be the one providing. That's how it is." His voice, his whole demeanor drooped. "And I won't be able to, not in the manner I should."
I came around his side then, slipping under his arm to stand in front of him. "Do you have any idea how many families I know have sent their wealthy daughters to marry some penniless lord, just for a title? Don't try and tell me that."
Will looked down at me, his eyes bright blue and the light dancing across them. His voice was low though, and the hand that found my shoulder weak. "I am no lord, Ana."
I let my hand find his cheek, "I don't care Will. I just want you by my side." The light was fading fast, what little there was. The fog obscured any light that might make its way through the porthole, and I pressed my head to his chest. We simply stood, his arms around me while he looked out into the dark. It was late enough the only light was from the electric lamp. Will let his hands drift to my waist, bending to press his head to my shoulder.
"Ana, you know I cannot repay you for all this. I am not made for the world you're from, I don't know anything about opera or art, and you can't just use your money to try and pay my way through."
"I don't expect payment Will. And I hate the opera." I chuckled, but I felt myself grow serious. I drew his head up, kissing him, his hands pulling me closer, but I drew away. "But what you said the other night, when you woke-"
"I was foolish, I shouldn't have said anything, it was nothing. I'm sorry for scaring you like that, it was the last thing either of us needed." Will's voice trembled a little and he spoke quickly. He wouldn't look me in the eye though, his eyes gaining that distant look they had had before. His arms had relaxed, his whole body seeming to go slack for a moment.
"You were serious." I stepped back, "And I won't let you think that way again."
"I swear, it was just in the moment. Those thoughts are gone, I promise." He shook his head, as if he could dislodge by the motion.
"Will," I pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, "It was not just some passing fancy. Those thoughts, you scared me." I felt him freeze underneath me, his hands digging into my sides. "I won't let you think that there's no way out. Whatever happens, I will help you find a way through." I moved to his neck, finding the stud at the back of his collar to pull it off and throw it aside. The starched fabric practically clattered to the floor, the stud jingling along with it. I kissed at his throat, "We will find a way through it."
I listened to his breath hitch as I nipped at the side of his neck, then moved over to kiss at the spot. I felt his lips find the side of my face, and I quickly moved so that we shared a brief kiss before I moved to the other side to repeat my nip. Will gently pulled at my hair though, no pain just a delicious pressure that made me want to have him run his fingers through my hair, and I lifted my head from his neck. "Ana, that's enough." He pulled away then, grabbing the collar from the floor and placing it on the table. I tried to steady my breathing, and I touched my lips. The cracked skin was raw and swollen, almost painful. I hadn't noticed when I was kissing him.
I watched Will pull the blanket down the bed, his hand patting the mattress. "You sleep here tonight, I'll take the chair." He pulled the coats and my dress from the chair, laying them across the table. I sat on the bed, swinging my legs up onto the thin mattress. My night gown rode up though, revealing my calves in their borrow stockings. I would have tugged it back down, but I saw Will staring. His eyes, dark earlier during our kisses, were almost black.
Instead I pulled the night gown up a little, showing my knees. "Are you sure you won't join me in the bed?" I twitched it a little higher, a slight sliver of skin showing beyond the top of my stockings.
Will's hands tightened against the arms of the chair. "You're a bloody temptress, you know that?" His voice was more lively than it had been though, and I thought I saw his fingers twitch as I drew my hand up my calves.
I gave him a wide smile. "I'm a very poor temptress then, if you won't join me." I drew the blanket back over me, watching as Will settled himself in the chair, pulling his coat over him as a blanket. The light was turned off, and we were in the dark. His breathing was steady, the ship still had a slight roll, and I let it lull me to sleep. I did not have nightmares that night, I had much more pleasant dreams.