It took a while to find her portable CD player among all the things Ford had brought, along with an apparently random selection of her music collection. Fortunately he'd managed to grab the one she most wanted, a movie soundtrack. "I know what song I want to sing," Sabrina explained, "but it won't sound good without accompaniment. I need you to help me find the appropriate instruments, and good people to play them, who learn fast." She placed the headphones on his ears, knowing she could not bear to hear the song right now, and pressed the play button.
She wandered over to the window as Ford listened, looking out over the courtyard. She would wear white, she decided. And she would sing, not with tears in her voice, but strong and proud, as Tassan would have wanted. No matter what it cost her.
Ford hit the stop button, took off the headphones, and cleared his throat. "Sabrina...it's a beautiful song. But..." He bit his lip. "This is not going to be a private funeral, you know. He was a public official for most of his life. The funeral will probably be watched by people all over Praxatillus. Are you sure you want to sing something this personal? I thought you didn't want anyone to know."
"No. I want them all to know," Sabrina said quietly. "I never got the chance to clearly tell him what I felt. There was always so much other stuff going on. And when I saw him again I was so upset and confused, I don't know if I got my feelings across to him. This is my last chance to tell him how much I love him, and to promise to remember. I'm going to do that. I don't care what else happens."
"It will cause a lot of talk," Ford warned her.
"Talk!" Sabrina said bitterly. "Ford, I've been involved in scandal since the day I set foot on Praxatillus. I don't suppose it made it into the history books that while your parents' wedding preparations were going on, half the planet thought I was sleeping with your father? Malvarak's little joke, to make things harder for us."
Ford looked stunned. Sabrina said, "So you see, I'm used to being talked about. And I don't care. Not this time. I'm not Regent anymore. I don't have the obligation to preserve a scandal-free image. And why should love be scandalous, anyway?"
"I don't know," Ford said. "But somehow, it has a way of being so for people in our position. And you are still—"
"Don't you dare!" Sabrina cried. "Don't you dare remind me that all my actions still reflect on Mara! Do you think I ever, for one instant, forget that? I don't! But if the monarchy of Praxatillus can't withstand the revelation that I was in love with a good, decent, courageous man ninety-two years ago, then we should all just give up on it once and for all!"
Ford held up his hands in a gesture somewhere between placation and surrender. "Okay. You're right. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply that. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, Sabrina. I just want you to be prepared if there's a reaction. I don't want you to be upset." He lowered his hands. "Look, I know the conductor of the Royal Orchestra here. Why don't I take this and play it for her, and let her recommend some musicians to accompany you? I take it you want to rehearse this at least once before the funeral?"
"I suppose I'd better," Sabrina said. "Thank you, Ford."
"I'll take care of it," he promised. "Is there anything else, Sabrina? Anything at all."
She shook her head. "I can't think of anything. You've already done so much. Except...." She bit her lip and looked at him. "I know you didn't really know him, and he wasn't from your principality, but—"
"Sabrina, of course I'm going to the funeral with you," Ford told her. He gave a little grin and waved the CD at her. "I have to hear you sing this. And I wouldn't miss the expressions on people's faces when you do, for anything! Just tell me when and where, and I'll happily be your escort."
"Deal," she replied.
——————————-
Sabrina lived through the next two days as if they were merely a dream. She rehearsed with the five musicians Ford had found for her—an ensemble of two wind instruments, two stringed instruments, and a sweet, pure flute-like instrument—but never made it through the entire song without her voice breaking up. She hoped that Tassan's presence would make it possible for her to be more successful at the funeral.
Funeral customs in Zarn called for sunset burials, and Tassan's funeral was to be traditional. Three days after his death, an hour before sunset, outside the villa where he had lived, a large group gathered to pay their last respects. His body was placed on a bier; the desert dwellers of Zarn did not use coffins, relying on the desiccating properties of the desert to preserve the dead. In these modern times, bodies were held in stasis until their funerals, to make it more pleasant for those who wished to view them. So Tassan lay on the bier in open air, draped in purple, almost as if he were merely asleep.
Sabrina had not been to view the body before the funeral. She had wanted to at times, and had made several aborted attempts to do so, but she could never bring herself to go through with it. She knew that she should, but somehow she could not bring herself to face the ancient shell that had once housed the man she loved. It was not, she knew, how he wanted her to remember him.
His will had been read the previous day, and she had been notified that he had left her a handful of paintings. She did not recognize any of the titles, and Reese said they were not among those hung in the villa. She had not thought much about it, promising to pick them up after the funeral. His real legacy had been given to her nearly a century ago, when he had given her his love and support. Everything that Ford had told her was her legacy was also Tassan's, she knew. She could not have made it through that horrible time without him at her side.
Now, as Sabrina walked through the garden behind the villa on Ford's arm, grateful beyond words for his presence beside her, she wondered if she could really go through with this. She clutched at the sheath of roses—red for passion—in her other arm and moistened her dry lips. Her white silk skirt rippled in the slight breeze, also stirring the white lace veil that fell from a knot of white roses pinned on top of her simple, severe hairstyle. Earlier, she had been struck with how bridal she looked, and the irony had reduced her to angry tears she had been unable to explain to Ford.
Their presence caused a stir among the other mourners as they walked to the front, where Reese had reserved them seats just behind the family. Reese was waiting there, and quietly introduced them to her brother and his family. One of his daughters was in the Lthosyenne military; she reminded Sabrina heartbreakingly of Darice.
Soon it was time to begin; Ford had planned their arrival so that there would not be a long wait. Sabrina knew how worried he was; he kept glancing over at her when he thought she wasn't looking. It comforted her, reminding her that he was still her friend despite the trappings of a prince. He was here in an official capacity, representing his mother, who had doubtless been astonished when he volunteered, Sabrina reflected; Kashmia usually performed these duties in Mara's absence. Ford wore white, a mourning color for royalty, and Sabrina was glad he had chosen to do so. Everyone else was in purple, the Praxatillian color of mourning. She knew everyone would probably think she was emphasizing her own status with her white dress, but she didn't care. She had promised Tassan; that was what mattered.
There was a long series of songs and eulogies by various officials from Zarn's government, then the current chair of the Citizens Council, and then various arts patrons who had been close to Tassan. Sabrina knew that he had left many of his paintings to museums and other public collections; hers were among the few that had gone to private individuals. Then it was Ford's turn; he delivered a short speech on behalf of the Queen, noting Tassan's services and dedication. It sounded very dry and official indeed, and Sabrina sensed that Ford had had no hand in it.
Then it was the family's turn. Reese's brother, Daran, spoke of his grandfather with what seemed to Sabrina rather distant affection. In the course of his speech she learned that his father, Farlan, had died twenty years ago, and his mother Lanylla just the previous year; Sabrina thought of the losses Tassan had endured in his life and was ashamed of her own self-pity. Then Reese sang a traditional Zarn mourning song, which compared the fading of life to the fading of the light on the desert sands. When she finished, she said, "And now, as the sun sets, the final tribute to my grandfather comes from someone very dear to him, at his request."
The musicians quietly arranged themselves off to one side as Sabrina made her way to the little lectern set up for the speakers and singers. She hesitated, then went past it to the bier. With shaking hands, she slipped the sheath of red roses beneath Tassan's folded hands and stood for a moment, willing herself not to cry. Not yet. Let me do this right, please, she prayed.
When she stepped back to the lectern, she was back in control of herself. She swallowed hard and began to speak. "As Reese said, I'm here at Tassan's request. But I would have come regardless, to honor an old promise. Long, long ago, before most of you can remember, I decided to give a ball." She gave a wry, trembling smile. "It was supposed to cheer everyone up. Those were hard times for us all. And the duties I was currently fulfilling were such that I watched every sunrise wondering if I would live to see the sunset. It was a tremendous irritation to everyone around me, I am sure, and Tassan was no exception. So, at the ball, we danced together, and I asked him if he would sing at my funeral. And Tassan, being wiser and, I think, more farsighted than I, retorted that he believed I would outlive him. We ended by making a bargain that whichever of us survived longer would sing at the other's funeral. In that moment I never believed I would be standing here at his."
She paused to take a deep breath and swallow again. "Many of you may not know that Tassan was more than a charter member of the Citizens Council; he was also my bodyguard after the Battle for Dansestari, when my second bodyguard was killed. He was responsible for the fact that I am alive to be here today, along with Major Landra Darice. I considered them both good friends. In their separate ways they helped not only to keep me alive, but to keep me sane: Darice with her unflagging loyalty and sense of humor, and Tassan with his constant, wholehearted support, patience, and courage. It's not an easy thing to live in the shadow of death. Tassan had done it before, during the Xoentrol War. He showed me how to live, not just exist, under that threat. There were times when he had to make me even want to go on living. He never let me down."
She paused again, scanning the audience. Her gaze finally rested on Ford, who gave her a little smile of encouragement. "We shared something very special, something that goes on even now, when he's no longer with us. He influenced my life in many ways, and I will forever carry his memory with me. That is what my song is about. It was a popular song on Earth before I left. I'm afraid I can only sing it in English, so I apologize to those of you who will not understand."
She nodded to the musicians and turned to face the bier. The sun was touching the horizon now, casting long, red shadows over everything. The breeze picked up, sending Sabrina's silk skirt rippling out behind her like a flag. After a few moments, the musicians began to play—first the wind instruments, then the strings. Sabrina swallowed against the dryness in her throat, then heard her cue and started to sing. She closed her eyes against the red glare of the setting sun and summoned an image of Tassan as she had known him. She didn't think about the audience; they vanished from her awareness. There was only Tassan, and she sang the second verse to him with all her heart:
Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime,
And never let go till we're gone.
Love was when I loved you, one true time I hold to.
In my life we'll always go on.
Lost in the music and her need to convey her feelings, she was at the last verse before she knew it. She poured her heart and soul into the words, her hands clasped to her chest almost prayerfully, as the sun sank below the horizon, silhouetting her against the bier.
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on.
We'll stay forever this way.
You are safe in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.
The music lasted a few bars after her voice faded, and then there was silence. Sabrina opened her eyes, letting the tears fall at last, and stepped forward to the bier to press one final kiss against Tassan's lips. Then she turned and made her way blindly back toward her seat. Ford's hand found hers and squeezed it as he gave her his handkerchief. The sun had set completely, and the pallbearers were moving forward to lower the bier into the grave. She could not bear to watch, and was glad when Ford took her elbow to guide her to her feet and away.
——————————
"My Heart Will Go On" composed by James Horner, lyrics by Will Jennings. Performed by Celine Dion for the Titanic soundtrack.