The day passed peacefully. Sabrina went to Rayland's grave and unburdened herself to the statue of him, feeling much better afterward. The sight of his wise, caring face, even in stone, was comforting. It was almost as if he were really looking down at her, watching over her. Then she went and had a light, delicious lunch with Éllina, and they talked over various events of the past ninety-two years.
Éllina retired for a nap in the late afternoon, and Sabrina wandered the beach, using the solitude to think about the possibilities of her new life and what she wanted to make of it. Her only clear conclusion was that she must make up her quarrel with Ford. Somehow, being close to Haaron and remembering his steadfast support made her realize that she wanted that in her life again. She missed it. And she knew Ford needed a friend too. It made sense for them to reach out to each other. They were family, after all, and they had been through a lot together in the short time they'd known each other.
Éllina's three children, elderly themselves, and the grandchildren, who were middle-aged, and two great-grandchildren (since Bria was still on duty in space) arrived, most of them with spouses, shortly before dinner, and Sabrina enjoyed finding herself once more in the middle of a happy family. She wondered what her cousins were doing that night.
It was dark when she flew back to Dansestari, and she found the building that housed her apartment with difficulty. She felt tired, but in a good way. Seeing Éllina again had eased some ache in her heart she had not identified. She felt more relaxed and at peace than she had since coming back to Praxatillus. Yawning, she got ready for bed, then remembered to check her comconsole since she'd been gone most of the day. There were several messages waiting for her. One was from Selémahs, inquiring tactfully after her health; one was from Kashmia, along the same lines; and two were from Justek, one about having made arrangements for her to make easy withdrawals from an account, and one saying that he and his wife would like to have her for lunch one day, if she wished. The last one was from Reese, and Sabrina's heart pounded anxiously as she accessed it.
"Lady Sabrina," Reese's image began. She looked weary and pale, Sabrina realized. "I'm so sorry to leave this on a message, but I haven't been able to find you, and I haven't been able to find the Prince either. And I know you should be among the first...." She paused, swallowing. "Grandfather died this morning. It was not very long after I spoke with you. He died in his sleep. He was smiling." Reese turned away, biting her lip. "I know...I know he wanted you to sing for him. As soon as the arrangements are made, I'll let you know." She took a deep breath. "And I know he wouldn't want you to feel badly about...about anything. He was only waiting for you to come back. He saw you again, and he was happy. It was...it completed his life. That was how he felt about it. I know you haven't had very long to prepare yourself for this, as the rest of us have, and I'm sorry. If you need to talk, or anything, please call me. I'll call again soon."
Sabrina sat and stared at the console as the image blinked out. He was dead. How could he be dead? How could it have happened without her knowing it, realizing it? Without her being there? It seemed impossible.
She put her face in her hands and could not cry, though she wanted to, to ease the horrible ache in her throat. She heard Éllina's voice saying, "Things happen for a reason. Even death." And Reese saying, "It completed his life." But it hadn't completed hers. She hadn't had time to come to grips with any of it yet, and now...there would never be a chance to tell him anything else. Her disjointed, pained words to him were all there would ever be for a farewell.
No. She would sing for him. She would sing something that told him exactly how she felt. How much she loved him. How she would carry his memory with her, as he had carried hers, as a shield against the bleakness, the loneliness. She would go on, as he'd told her to. As Éllina had gone on, without Haaron. Sabrina could do it. She'd promised.
Promising was one thing. Doing it, living it, was another. Sabrina realized she didn't know how to go on. How to even begin.
And then the tears finally came.
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She never went to bed that night. When she finished crying over the comconsole, she went up to the conservatory, wanting to be somewhere she might sense his presence. But it was too changed, too inhabited by the living to be a haven for the dead. Sabrina didn't dare venture into the tunnels on her own, and she no longer knew where Tassan's old rooms were. They were probably inhabited anyway, renovated and unrecognizable.
She found herself in the Queen's Garden, on the site where the original Royal Residence had stood before its destruction in the Reissian attack. At the center of the garden was a stone obelisk, with the names of those who had died that night inscribed on it. Her father's headed the list, but she knew so many of the others too. She sat down beside it and looked up into the sky. There were an astonishing number of stars visible; living in the D.C. metro area, with its enormous light pollution, she had forgotten what a starry sky could really look like. It was like a glimpse into another universe.
Everything happens for a reason.
But what reason? Why? What possible reason can there be for this? Separating me from all the people I love?
I am so utterly alone.
Why?
She stared up at the stars, but they had no answers for her.
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Sabrina watched the sun rise with dull eyes. She was stiff and cold from a night outdoors but she didn't have the will to move. She was hungry, but somehow she couldn't make herself care about that. What did any of it matter?
"Try not to be afraid of it," Éllina had advised her. If she only knew, Sabrina thought. I'd welcome death today. To go on and be with everybody. What is there for me here, anyway? Why should I want to stay? I don't.
Sounds began emanating from the buildings around her, but Sabrina knew she was safe from observation, hidden behind the carefully sculpted hedges of the garden. She ignored the palace complex coming to life around her. It had nothing to do with her. She wasn't part of that life. She didn't want to be, today.
Someone calling out nearby momentarily drew her attention, but not enough to investigate. The rapid footsteps on the gravel pathway of the garden only made her sigh wearily, hoping not to be found. But the little giggle as the footsteps skidded to a stop made her look up.
"Oh!" Marie was standing there, her plain tunic already rumpled and a smear of jam on one cheek. She looked around as the voice called out again, then scrambled over to Sabrina, crouched down beside her, and put a finger over her lips. Sabrina complied, sitting silently until the calling voice had moved away.
"Have you been here all night?" Marie asked, wide-eyed, taking in Sabrina's appearance.
Sabrina tried to summon the energy to respond. "Yes."
"Why?"
"I looked at the stars."
"Oh." Marie seemed to accept this. "You look sick."
"I'm fine."
Marie cocked her head and put a hand to Sabrina's forehead. Then she giggled. "I guess I don't know what you're supposed to feel like."
I feel dead, Sabrina thought, but kept herself from saying it aloud. She mustn't frighten Marie. Though, to be fair, the child seemed utterly fearless.
Marie frowned when she didn't respond; then her expression cleared. "I bet you're hungry!"
"No. I'm fine," Sabrina repeated, her voice hollow.
"I'm always sad when I'm hungry too," Marie confided. She slipped a cookie out of her pocket. "Here. I was saving it for later but I can get another one instead."
"I'm not hungry."
"Are you sure?" Marie's voice was clearly skeptical. "Come on, eat it. It's good, I promise. You'll feel better."
A child offering her a cookie to make her feel better suddenly struck Sabrina as being hopelessly absurd. She drew her knees in close to her chest and put her forehead down on them, trying to stifle hysterical chuckles that soon turned to sobs.
"Oh," Marie said sympathetically. "Don't cry, Cousin Sabrina!" She put her arms around Sabrina and hugged tight. "Please don't cry."
"I'm...I'm okay," Sabrina managed to gasp out, struggling to regain her control.
"Come back to the nursery with me. Nanny will make you some hot milk and cookies and you'll feel better," Marie offered.
"I'm sorry," Sabrina said. "But I don't think that will help me."
"But I want you to feel better!" Marie said. "What can I do?"
"Nothing. I'll be fine. I...I think I'll just go back to my rooms and sleep."
Marie got to her feet. "Then I'll come with you."
"It's not necessary."
"You're sad. I want to make you feel better. That's more important than stupid old history lessons any day!" Marie declared. She held out her hands. "Come on. I'm going with you."
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In the end it was easiest just to let Marie have her own way. Sabrina wondered dully, as she let herself be led by the hand, if the nursery staff felt the same. Mara might have been this way if her life had been different, she thought. If there had never been any Xoentrols, if she hadn't been kidnapped. Sabrina and Scotty wouldn't have been kidnapped either. Everything would have been so different. She would never have met Tassan, never fallen in love with him. Never lost him.
She wondered what her life might have been like, whether she could have found happiness along the path she'd marked out for herself in college. But, in the end, she could not regret knowing Mara and Tirqwin, or the things she'd done for them and for Praxatillus. And she certainly could not regret her time with Tassan, short though it had been.
She was being pushed down into a chair before she even realized they'd entered her apartment. Marie said, "Now, you sit here and I'll make you some cocoa."
Sabrina mustered the energy to turn her head and watch the girl as she went through the door into the kitchen. She knew she should go in and at least supervise—who knew if Marie knew anything about kitchen appliances, after all—but she couldn't find the strength to move. Well, Mara would sense any life-threatening danger, and surely Sabrina would hear it if Marie got into trouble. Until then, what could it hurt to let Marie take care of her, as if she were a big, mobile doll?
Banging and clattering sounds emanated from the kitchen, along with Marie's occasional "oops!" or exclamation of triumph. She sounded as if she were enjoying herself immensely. After what seemed a long time, Marie emerged, carrying two cups of steaming hot cocoa. Her face was covered in a dusty brown powder, and a big splash of something dark stained her tunic, but she was grinning. "Here!" she said, proudly setting the mug down in front of Sabrina at the dining table.
Sabrina didn't want any cocoa, but she couldn't disappoint the eager, shining eyes looking up at her, so she picked up the mug and took a sip. It was so sweet that she nearly choked on it, but she managed a smile. "It's good. Thank you."
Marie grinned and took a big gulp of her own cocoa. "I couldn't find any cookies," she said. "We should call the Household Supervisor and ask for some."
"If you like."
"Well," Marie said, "I can't call. I'm supposed to be with my tutor right now." She considered. "And I can't get Ford to do it for us, because he's gone again."
"Gone?"
"Yeah, I heard Kashmia complaining about it. I don't know why she should be upset," Marie said, sounding very grown-up for a moment, "because he never does tell anybody where he's going or when he'll be back, after all."
Sabrina slumped back in her chair. She had not realized how much she had been counting on seeing Ford again—the one person who knew her secret, who would understand her grief. And she had driven him away. She couldn't deny that. She felt her face crumple and tried to blink back tears.
"Oh," Marie said in distress, "don't be sad, Cousin Sabrina! He doesn't stay away for long, and he always brings the nicest presents when he comes back!"
Sabrina shook her head. "It's not that."
"What is it, then?"
"A friend of mine...from when I was here before.... He was a very dear friend. He died yesterday." Sabrina caught and held her breath to keep down a sob.
"Oh," Marie said. Her blue eyes darkened with concern. "It's sad when people go away. But they're all still there, in the Crystal, after all."
"He wasn't Miahn."
"Oh." Marie frowned, struggling to widen her worldview enough to take this in. "Oh. That's very sad, then. But...Nanny isn't Miahn either, and she said when her mother died that as long as she remembers her, she isn't really gone. So...maybe he's not really gone, because you remember him?"
"In a way," Sabrina said, pushing down on her irritation. She didn't want platitudes, and she didn't want sympathy from someone who didn't understand. But Marie was doing her best; her young life was doubtless untouched by death. And Sabrina hoped it would stay that way for a long, long time.
Marie sighed. Then she said, "I have somewhere I like to go when I'm sad. It makes me feel better. Do you want to see?"
Sabrina was about to refuse when she heard her comconsole chime. Suddenly, being hidden away somewhere sounded good. "Okay."