Mirann, by D. Denise Dianaty
"Is it safe?" she asked as they got out and looked around.
"Parts of it," he replied. "Don't go onto any of the upper floors, where they still exist. The tower is all right; I reinforced it years ago. I used to go there a lot to think."
To get away, Sabrina knew he meant. He continued, "But I thought you might enjoy the garden, what's left of it. It's all gone wild of course, but there are some nice little clearings."
They had to go down several flights of wide, crumbling stone steps to reach the garden, situated beside a rapid little brook. Ford took Sabrina's elbow to steady her over some of the rougher parts, and then kept hold of it as he began to tell her about his first discovery of the place and a little of its history. She listened at first, and then drifted off into abstraction. The sound of his voice became just another pleasant ambient sound, like the brook, and the songbird, the first she could ever recall hearing on Praxatillus. It was all enormously restful.
Eventually he led her to a wide stone bench, where they sat and gazed at their sanctuary, and Ford finally fell silent, his hand dropping from her arm. She didn't even notice the contact until it was gone, and glanced at him. She'd noticed that he was a tactile sort of person; it was one of the things she liked about him. There had been little touching in her life on Earth.
She was only now beginning to realize, as she confronted her memories, that the isolation she had created for herself was not a natural way to exist. She'd thought she was waiting for her reunion with Tassan, but, as she thought about it more, she'd been isolated here on Praxatillus too, before Tassan had made himself part of her life. Had her life on Earth been blighted by the bad habits she'd formed, dealing with all the crushing responsibility and impossible battles she'd endured on Praxatillus? Would she have been able to open up to Tassan again after all the years alone, if she had come back as she planned? Had he, after all, been right to give up on them? She sighed heavily, and leaned her elbows on her knees, staring down at her clasped hands.
After a moment, Ford touched her lightly, rubbing at her back as if she were a small child. It was a friendly gesture, but it brought tears to her eyes. She remembered a scene she thought she had forgotten, a moment of grief shared long ago with a friend who loved her enough to be silent when she didn't want to talk. It had been the night of her parents' funeral, and she and Scotty had been unable to face the chaos in their home, where they'd been packing for the move to England. They'd gone to Sabrina's best friend's house, a place where she felt safe, a place she had always looked on as a second home. The Graysons had been so kind, so helpful, all through the aftermath of her parents' fatal car accident. Scotty had fallen asleep, exhausted by the day's demands, and Sabrina had gone quietly to bed in the spare bed in Cynthia's room but had not slept. Toward dawn, she had gotten up and gone to the window seat to watch the pink sky through the barren trees, feeling only a bleakness in her soul. And quietly, without a word, Cynthia had gotten up and come over to her, rubbing at her back just enough to let her know she was there if Sabrina wanted to talk. But Sabrina didn't, couldn't. So Cynthia had sat there beside her, not intruding, just being there, a familiar, loving presence, sharing what they both knew were some of their last moments together before a long separation. At sixteen, newly orphaned, it had felt like the end of the world.
Sabrina remembered the silences as a unique hallmark of their friendship. They hadn't needed to speak when there was something to express. She remembered her Aunt Euphrasia's frustration at the early transatlantic phone calls that were half silence.
She had never had a friend she could be silent with, since. She wished she could tell Ford what a gift he was giving her by just sitting beside her like this. Looking over at him, she realized he was staring quizzically at her. "What's the matter?" she asked.
He gave her a rueful half-grin. "I can't think of anything to say to you that doesn't make me sound like a galactic-class jerk."
One corner of her mouth tugged upward ever so slightly in surprise. "I was just thinking how nice it was not to have to say anything."
She saw the relief in his eyes. "I'm glad you feel that way too. I hate having to make conversation. It feels like I've spent half my life at it."
They sat quietly for several more minutes, as Sabrina's mind wandered back to Tassan and what his loss meant to her life. She glanced over at Ford, who was watching the brook, and laid a hand lightly on his arm. He looked at her instantly, raising an eyebrow, inviting her to speak. "Have you ever been in love, Ford?"
"Oh, several times," he said wryly. "But nothing that qualifies me to say I understand how you're feeling, I suspect."
"Have you ever been dumped?"
"Dumped?" he echoed blankly, then laughed. "Oh! What a perfect word for it. Yes. Several times. Why?"
"I just wondered."
"Sabrina," he said hesitantly, "you can't be feeling that he dumped you. I mean...all the years...."
"He said...he didn't think it would have worked anyway. Oh, he didn't mean it in a cruel way. I think he was trying to comfort me. It was nothing we hadn't talked about, before. I guess...I guess all the years on Earth, I just glossed over things. I just assumed I'd come back, we'd get married and live happily ever after. I guess I never really thought about what it would actually be like."
"It's easy enough to do," Ford said. "I remember my first off-world love...I brought her home. But I hadn't thought about the fact that she wouldn't fit in, wouldn't want to. I just thought how nice it would be to have someone here to talk to, who understood the things I was interested in."
"Have you been lonely, Ford?" Sabrina asked, very softly.
"Sometimes. Yes." He shrugged.
"Oh," she burst out, "if only I'd come back! I would have been part of the family—I would have looked after you and your brothers and sisters, and helped you, and loved you all—"
"But what about Tassan?" Ford asked, puzzled.
Sabrina stared at him, her mouth hanging open in shock, her face draining of all color. Ford hastily said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—I only meant—"
"No," she said hollowly. "It's all right. Please. Let me think a moment." He sat back unhappily, and she let her thoughts tumble through her brain. Yes, what about Tassan? He wanted to come first, he said it himself. Would he have? Could I have resisted the temptation to mother Mara's children, knowing how busy she was? I would have tried to make him share me with them. Without even thinking about it. Just like now. It occurred to Ford, first thing, and it should have occurred to me. It should have been the first thing I thought of, when I spoke of coming back. Was Tassan right? Was my love a selfish one, after all? Did I never love him enough? God, I failed him. More than I ever realized. But, perhaps, not as badly as I would have, if I'd married him after all.
The revelation didn't make her feel any better. She still didn't know what she believed, or if it made any difference. It would take a long time to sort through all these feelings.
She took a deep breath and met Ford's worried gaze. His beautiful bright eyes startled her all over again with their resemblance to Rayland's. "It's all right," she repeated. "There are just...so many things to think about, to sort through. I was just realizing, perhaps he was right. He said my loyalty to Mara and Tirqwin was so strong, I could never really be committed to anyone else. I suppose it wouldn't ever be right to marry anyone whose needs I couldn't put above theirs."
"That's a tough criterion," Ford said. "But I suspect you're right. But maybe...maybe it would only be fair if you married someone who felt the same way. At least you'd understand each other, have realistic expectations."
"Oh," Sabrina sighed. "I don't think I'll ever marry anyone, now. At least not anytime soon. I've always looked forward to being an aunt—" She broke off, remembering Scotty all over again. Her hand went to her mouth.
Ford slid an arm around her and hugged. "And I'm sure you'll be a marvelous one," he said. "And if Scotty makes you wait too long, well, Mother has to have more children. There's no Inheritor yet, after all. You can play aunt to them all you like."
Sabrina managed a slightly sodden chuckle. "Imari will never let me anywhere near the Inheritor, you can bet!"
"Imari won't be able to overbear Father," Ford grinned. "And I have the distinct feeling he'll insist! After all, you know all about raising Inheritors, don't you?"
"Having them hang you in mid-air because you're trying to stop them from making an exhibition of themselves, for example?" Sabrina recalled. "On second thought, perhaps I'd better go back to Earth after all!" She took a steadying breath, rallying herself. She let her head rest on his shoulder for a moment, savoring the closeness, thanking God she had found a friend to see her through this painful homecoming. He squeezed her shoulder gently, as if he had read her thought.
"Oh!" said a distinctly feminine voice, startlingly close. Ford and Sabrina both started, trying to jump instinctively to their feet but getting entangled with each other on the way.
"Mirann!" Ford exclaimed. "Don't sneak up on people like that! What are you doing here, anyway?"
Sabrina turned to see a plump brunette approaching from the direction of the brook, a broad grin spread across her face. Her brown eyes twinkled with mischief as she retorted, "What are you doing here, Big Brother? I didn't know you had a new girlfriend! Afraid to bring her home?"
Ford's jaw clenched, but Sabrina laid a hand on his arm, and he held the breath he'd drawn to speak. Sabrina said, "I do seem to be having the most unusual series of introductions to my cousins. Mirann, is it? I'm Sabrina."
"Oh!" Mirann's hand flew to her mouth. "I'm so sorry!" She giggled. "I just assumed—never mind. I'm so pleased to meet you, and not at Kashmia's stuffy dinner party! I had no idea Ford was bringing you down to Bathir today. You should have told me, Ford!" She spared her brother a teasing, reproachful glance, then turned back to Sabrina. "I'm living here at the palace while I go to the Academy. And please call me Mira."
"And why aren't you in class?" Ford demanded, folding his arms.
"Festival Day," she retorted. "So you can drop the stern big brother act. Besides, you should be happy. Our team won the planetary hoopball championships."
"We did?" Ford's eyes lit, and he grinned for a moment before saying ruefully, "And I missed it!"
"Yes, it was last night," his sister informed him. "But you can still make the celebrations." She grinned at Sabrina. "Hoopball is the one area where Ford takes his princeship of Bathir very seriously."
"No," he retorted, "I don't take hoopball seriously as a prince. I take it seriously as a former team member!"
"So? Come to the celebrations. I was going to skip out, but I never pass up a chance to watch you disgrace the family in public," Mira grinned at what was obviously a quote—probably of Imari, Sabrina guessed.
"Sorry," Ford said. "I'm escorting our cousin today. And she has an appointment in a little while. No disgraces today, Mira."
She looked disappointed, but merely shrugged and said, "Oh well. I guess I'll see you later then."
"What are you doing out here, anyway?" Ford said, frowning.
"Oh." Mira looked around. "I'm meeting somebody."
"You're using my private garden for an assignation?" Ford exclaimed. "Mirann Lilonwy!"
She giggled. "Oh, don't sound so stuffy! As if you never did!"
"What I did or did not do has no bearing on your behavior!" Ford retorted. "I expect you to behave like our mother's daughter while you're residing in my jurisdiction!"
Mira pouted. "You needn't sound like Father! Not," she reflected, "that Father would ever sound quite that way, but—"
Sabrina tried to keep a straight face as Ford rolled his eyes. She pulled at his arm a little. "Let's just go, Ford. I'm sure your sister's too sensible to get into any trouble."
"Hah!" Ford burst out. "Oh yes she will, and then she'll come crying to me to bail her out of it!"
"Well," Mira said, her eyes twinkling incorrigibly, "we all do, don't we? Don't worry, I have to meet Lira in half an hour, so how much trouble can I get into between now and then?"
Ford muttered something that Sabrina decided to pretend not to understand. "Who's Lira?" she asked Mira.
"My sister. Kalira. She's two years older than I, so we're here at the same time," Mira said. "You'll meet her tonight. She'll be so jealous I met you first! Have you seen any of the others?"
"Yes. Malick, Marie, and Baldaran."
"Oh," Mira said in disappointment. "So I'm number five. Oh well! You're about halfway through, then, Sabrina. I know Hyannoria and Weistzniara are off planet, and Katiri told Kashmia she had better things to do than sit at a boring dinner party, and Yirdahn's busy with the Vetenian ambassador."
"Good," Ford said. "I'm not sure our cousin is up to the full blaze of Dahn's glory just yet."
Mira giggled. "Our perfect brother! Sabrina won't have anything to do with you after she meets him! Poor Ford! Now, go away, do, and let me get on with things!"
Ford frowned at her, but in a resigned way, and let Sabrina nudge him toward the flyer. When they were out of Mira's earshot, he said, "I really had better come spend a few days down here, just to make sure she's not doing anything more outrageous than usual."
Sabrina smiled, turning her head a little to hide it from him. But he caught it anyway. "What?" he asked.
"You're very different when you're around your siblings," she said.
"Yes, harassed and irritated!" he replied, but he grinned at her as he said it. "Just imagine how you'd feel if there were fourteen other Scottys!"
"Feel? I'd be dead by now! Just teaching them to drive!" Sabrina laughed. Then she sighed, and Ford sobered.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep reminding you."
"As if I could forget anyway. Don't worry about it," she said, pleased that she kept her voice steady. "So," she said, to drive that look of concern from his face, "tell me about this perfect brother. I find the concept terribly intriguing!"
Ford laughed. "Nothing I say will adequately prepare you, I'm afraid. I think I'd better wait and let you form your own judgment." They had reached the flyer, and he opened the passenger door. "Are you ready to go home now, or shall we see if any of my siblings have found my other hiding places?"
"I think I'm ready now." She laid a hand on his arm. "Thank you."
He smiled. "The least I could do. Home it is, then."