[Warning: This chapter contains disturbing and distressing themes such as. Depictions of gore, Suicidal inclinations, and mental break downs. Please tread carefully if any of these topics affect you in any way shape or form. Even the writer herself was greatly affected while writing, keep that in mind.]
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"Master!" Mozen snaps out of her trance and turns in time for a small body to ram into her.
"Master look look look! I did it, I did it! I wove together wood and water essence and tied a perfect knot! Praise me, praise me!"
She didn't immediately respond because she was no longer underwater but in a fuzzy scenery. There was a small wooden house sweetly decorated in vines. A garden in the front yard, and in the far distance a bridge crossing over a babbling brook,
Unconsciously she places her hand atop that raging red hair below her bustline. When her other hand reaches to embrace the small little girl, it becomes enveloped in a pair of tiny arms.
"Oh please, take all the credit will you," scoffs another little girl who was coyingly clinging to Mozen. That head of shimmering sunlight attracted her eye, as well as a helpless smile.
"Mother, Rongrong is being bad and telling lies. If it weren't for me and Sheng'ge, with those clumsy hands, she'd still be squatting in the garden and crying."
"I was not crying! Master, Lili is fibbing!"
"Right," Lili rolls her eyes.
Another child pops out. He takes away Mozen's hand from Rong'er's head and places it on his own. A cunning twinkle sparkles in those muddy green eyes squinting with joy.
"Sheng'ge, Sheng'ge! You saw Rongrong crying right, right?"
The taciturn brunette boy just nods his head, his gray eyes creasing in joy. Obviously he liked his mother patting his head, so much so he'd say yes to anything. Whatever Lili just said came in one ear and left the other.
Rong'er growled in frustration! "Lili you fibbing butt head!" Suddenly she tackles Lili
"I know you are but what am I?'' Lili taunted.
Both girls go tumbling to the ground pulling at each other's hair, smushing each other's cheeks, and sticking fingers up each other's noses.
Whilst the other two weren't paying attention, Shenghuo completely occupied his mother's arms, finally breaking out into a silly grin. The little boy is a mommy's boy from his head to his toes.
Mozen's heart felt light as a feather. Feeling a sense of ease at the familiar setting, she just stood there with an indulgent smile, wrapping both arms around her son.
After a moment's thought, she felt her arms weren't full enough.
"Rong'er, Lili, come here you two. Mom wants a dog piling hug." Mozen spreads open her arms, her eyes closing in glee, waiting for those naughty children to tackle her.
Although she did not birth them like she did Shenghuo, those two were just as much her kids as he is. They were just as much a reason to keep living despite the pain.
They are her whole world. A world that had long grown up to live lives of their own. She was saddened that they had left her so soon, but also proud, so very proud.
They no longer needed her, and this made her equal parts melancholic and happy. How she wished to hold these times tighter, and see them but a moment longer.
Mozen kept waiting, excited and expectant, but...nothing happened. Her eyes blinked open In confusion, but then swiftly closed in agony!
"Humph!"
A stinging burn causes her to gasp. A sharp gust of hot air swept past her and without warning a swish of fire engulfs the scenery.
'Where did this heat come from?' Mozen inwardly choked. Her eyes ran across the blazing scenery, chasing to find the location of her children!
Then suddenly they stopped, freezing dead on a chilling sight. Her heart froze. Her knees buckled beneath her. A rush of tears waterfall down her rosy cheeks.
Laughter filled the air, hoarse and broken, strangled and in agony. Right at the center of it all stood a yellow haired woman, laughing, crying, both her arms spread out as she twirls.
"Lili? Lili!"
Like a mother bear pushed beyond insanity, Mozen rushes forth with no thought towards her own safety, running with all her might, pushing through the raging fire despite her feet being bare. Several times she nearly trips, and a few times she even does. But she still got up, running towards the self destructive woman, sprinting towards her grown child trying to end her life.
"Lili stop, stop it now! Lili no, no, no!"
Simply one meter away the woman turns.
Time comes to a stand still. Two worlds collide. One smoldering out of existence, and the other faint, fighting against the fire to put it out. Yet it was that very fire that was destroying its fading light.
Muddy green to lightened gray. Acceptance looking passed denial. A mother watching as her child willingly dies. A child unable to see her mother, her mind long broken, joyfully waiting for death.
"Wait for me mother, I'll be there soon."
Finally Mozen reaches her, those arms racing to embrace and protect passed right through the one she wished to save, letting the mother fall helplessly to the ground.
The fire had gone out, but Mozen had not realized this.
She was not willing to give up, instinctually she pushed herself up, turning around to try again——– only to bang the lights out of her head, right up against a gravestone. The slab of stone cold enough to sap her of all her strength towered mockingly above her.
Mozen froze.
There was nothing written on this slab of rock, but in Mozen's heart no words were needed for her to know who was buried here. Her body broke down, falling to embrace the cold truth, breaking into hurried sobs against the chilling remains of her child who was now nothing more than icy earth.
"Why?" was all she could utter.
They had worked on this. Tirelessly! It took several years of mental therapy but finally the broken child cursing her for saving her, begging her to kill her, had finally smiled. She had finally seen the joys of life. Finally looking forward to tomorrow instead of dreading it. Finally Lili had hope...
Although where she left her at she wasn't entirely perfect. There were still some places left to heal, but it was enough to the point she could confidently leave her alone and not worry about her.
At least...it should have been.
"Why...what happened, Lili?"
'Was I wrong? Mother, father, was I a bad parent?'
Was her best not enough? Is this why she was seeing this now? To prove all of her efforts to be needless, worthless, and unnecessary? To put back in stone all that her hands had touched?
If that were the case, why, why?! Why let her live that life if all that she'd saved would just be destroyed in the end? Why?! What was all that tireless effort worth?!
Rain began to fall and she felt a shift in the wind. An ominous premonition grabbed her by the throat. Mozen further collapsed, hyperventilating between her legs.
"There can't be...no, even one is too much!"
No, please no, let there not be more. Her heart begged deep inside, praying even to that god she hates with all her being. To the bastard that caused all of this!
But ah, what a pity. As if fate was against her, it claws its way across her spine, submerging the sky in red and dropping her heart into hell.
"Look at us Lili, aren't we the picture of perfection? You there and I here." A rough voice coughs out from beyond the gravestone. A click sounded and a poof of smoke soon followed after.
"Rong'er?" Mozen mumbles out, confusingly looking here and there.
"If master were to see us now, she'd be so sad, wouldn't she? If she were to know the truth, that sadness would drown the world. And if Sheng'ge were to follow in our footsteps, I'm afraid the whole universe would be lost to the waves."
A big thud shook the gravestone, followed by a chuckle born out of mockery.
"And you know it's only a matter of time before he does. He after all *cough cough* was her true *cough cough* born child. She was all he had, *cough* all *cough cough* he worked *cough* for..."
"Rong'er!" Following where that voice came from, Mozen jumps to her feet, nearly leaping over the gravestone to look.
"Rong-" She froze.
The horrifying sight has her falling back down, sliding to her knees. The light in her eyes looks to have shattered to pieces, the tears spilling out like a broken faucet.
Mozen felt as if her entire world had collapsed. She can't accept this. Her heart just won't let her. Her soul denies the truth. It was all a lie! This couldn't be true, this couldn't be happening!
"No," she whispers. Echoing in her mind like a looming ghost as it mocks and jeers.
"No," her body shook. Shacking away all the what if's, shattering all the possibilities that could be anything but this.
"No," finally her voice broke, as did her sanity hanging on by a thread.
There right on the other side of the grave reeked of blood. The entire cliffside was dripping with it. The person it all came from rested peacefully against the gravestone, a lit herbal stick hanging from her mouth. And her body...
"..."
Gruesome is a kind word if used to describe this wretched appearance. One leg mangled, twisted like a rung out rag. Half an arm missing, split from the shoulder blade, cutting the middle finger in half as if her skin were butter. A gaping hole on the side of her body, destroying her innards right through to her back. Even an eye was missing and so too was an ear...
"No..." was all Mozen could say between sobs.
So badly drowning in her despair she couldn't even hear the cracking sounds and feel the earthquake shaking beneath her. A harsh wind slams into her back, the grave breaks apart along with the cliff.
And just like that Mozen follows her dead children into the abyss, with only fragments of memories flickering through the darkness to accompany her.
"Alright enough of that, I've told you repeatedly to not call me master." She hears herself grumble.
"But master, you are my master. What else am I to call you?" Rong'er retorted, as stubborn as always.
"Why not mother like Lili and Ah Sheng?"
"I already have a mother."
"Then big sister?"
"That would be weird with Lili and Sheng'Ge calling you mom."
"...true. You aren't wrong."
"Then master it is!"
"Wait, that was not me approving, hey! Rong'er get back here young lady!"
Those fragments fade out as they play, crumble away, and are replaced with more, passing by her vision just as the wil-o-wisp did before. But these memories weren't as happy as the ones with Rong'er. In fact they were full of rage and sorrow.
"Mozen I hate you! Why did you save me?! I wanted to die, I tried so hard to die! Do you know how much it hurt? Finally it was over. I was seconds away and what did you do?! How could you take that from me?! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" The small Lili roars with pure hatred glowing in her eyes.
"Why...why...why..." She sobs, curling into a ball amongst the bundled up blankets and bloody bandages.
Gently Mozen embraced her but Lili struggled, refusing that kind warmth, treating it as if it were the most disgusting feeling in the world. "Let me go! Let me go! FUCK YOU!"
"No."
"I HATE YOU!"
"Mmm"
"Kill me...kill me...just get it over with. Please. I just want to die. Why can't I die? Why won't you let me die?"
"Mmm."
"Why...why did this happen to me? I did everything I was told. I learned until I coughed up blood. I held the sword until my hands wished to fall off. I did it all, no matter what they asked of me, I did it. So why? Why..."
All that and more swirls around, taking away Mozen's tears as nourishment, the fragments getting brighter, elongating like the birch trees had.
Then came the darling voice of her son, her sweet little boy who was too understanding for his own good. The face that looked just like hers, like the real her who had died so long ago.
"Mother, what's wrong?"
Mozen looked up. When she saw her little boy who had reached her chin in height, she opened her arms. "Can mom have a hug?"
"Of course mother."
Shenghuo dives into his mothers arms. He felt her tighten her grip on him while she began to tremble.
"As long as mom has you, mom will always be alright. Ah Sheng, Mom loves you. Mom loves you so much."
"I love you too, mother." Shenghuo rubbed his mother's back soothingly. "So don't cry mother. Smiles are the most beautiful on you, so you should smile and laugh."
"Ahaha," Mozen chuckles, placing her chin on her son's head. "You're right. Mom won't cry, mom will laugh more. Just for you."
It's come. The dread swallowing her heart had arrived. Between the flashing light a figure appears, a tall man dressed in a dragon robe, a sword at his hip, and his long hair spilling off behind him to dance in the wind.
"Do you see this mother? This statue, this place, all of this is for you. I have a region of my own and here no one will hurt you. If anyone does it's a capital offense that is punishable by death. Mother, are you proud of me?"
That figure changed, his outfit darker than it was before, his hair pulled back, and a permanent wrinkle in his brow. Despite still looking so young, he appeared so old, so tired, but still tried his best to smile.
"Mother, although you are no longer here I'm doing fine. I'm living in comfort as you wished. I am eating well and I keep myself clean. I even took in a common beast, a dog. I'm taking good care of it."
He was silent for a time but then sighed.
"Mother, I have a friend. You remember the one I spoke about? He's sick and has been looking for doctors. If you were still here, I'm sure he'd be fine. He's spoken of as some terrible monster but he's not, he's just misunderstood. I'm sure you'd like him. I'm sure he'd treat you well and would never hurt you. I wouldn't even mind if he suddenly became my father. He's much better than both of those men combined."
Once more it changed, he was sitting down, his face covered in his hands, his shoulders shaking. Tears were rolling off his face. He looked moments away from breaking apart and being blown away in the wind.
"Mother...I'm sorry. I tried, I really did, but it hurts too much. I can't do this anymore. Although you told me not to blame him, I can't forgive him for taking you away! You saved him! You gave him another chance at life and yet he took yours from you! He had no right! He has to die, he's already taken too much, first you, then Xiao Rong."
Suddenly he stood up, his black hair turned white, that face still as youthful as it was, but those eyes for some reason had gone blind. He looked up into the sky, no longer could he smile.
"Mother, I'm sorry. I will see you soon."
As all fades to black and that back vanishes, Mozen reaches out, her expression twisting in pain as she screams, "Ah Sheng No! Come back, come back!"
Then it all stops.
Baffled and confused, she stands atop a lake of darkness. One submerging a forest of fireflies. Wispy will-o-wisps dance, tempting her forward. Small lights rise into the sky, entrancing her wandering eyes. The strikingly white forest of birch trees were glowing through the darkness. Bright enough to push her eyes down, to wipe and soothe the stinging—– pain?
'It stung, didn't it? Strange.' She shook her head and pushed forward. A headache ricocheted as she started walking once more.
But every step felt weighted in lead. The collapsing pressure was squeezing her lungs too tight. The simple white gown pricking her with every small movement, the itch near unbearable to ignore.
But when she went to scratch, before her nails touched skin, the itch would mysteriously stop. When she paused to rest, the exhaustion went up like smoke, dazing her, like a swift wipe to the dirt, erasing the sensation she swore she'd just been experiencing mere moments ago.
How utterly confusing it was as her mind was numbed with deja vu. It crept through her, a strange fog swimming circles in her head. It was speaking to her, but no matter how hard she listened, just couldn't quite understand its words.
"How far must I walk?" She questions aloud. Her steps took her right back down that road of pain to repeat endlessly.
How many times had she already experienced this?
A pair of empty eyes squinted down at this cycle of torment knew. Nonetheless they kept watch.
This was only the beginning. This dream was far from over.
Her suffering isn't nearly enough.
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Kata's Corner: As someone who can't bare to hurt my mother no matter how many times she has hurt me, writing this was difficult. Especially since a lot of those other feelings hit close to home, experiences I never wanted but unfortunately I have. Also I feel I need spoil this, but if you've been reading closely, perhaps you'll realize it is not a spoiler but fact. At some point, the Main Character WILL become suicidal again. We still have a lot of chapters to go through before reaching that point, but it will come.