I get to Morgan's house, I knock hard on his door, trying to hurt myself for the wrong things have done. At the third knock, Christian opens the Door after shouting, "coming!"
"Hi," I say.
"Oh my God, Sam it's you," she says and hugs me. And both my hands hang up in surprise.
I don't think I have known her enough, and she's hugging me? To me, it's kind of creepy. She finally releases me and asks me to come in.
As I enter, Rhonda runs up to me from the stairs. As she hugs me, I squirt down to her height.
"It's so good to see you again," she says, chirpy.
"It's so good to see you too, honeybun," I tell her, and she beams.
I would say cuteness runs in the family except Christian is not as cute as her children.
I straighten up, and she drags me to the sofa and sits me down.
"Molly has really missed you," she says as she picks up molly from the table.
"Since that night she saw you and Morgan, you know, doing..."
"Yeah I get it," I say quickly. Guess she's one of those little girls that act like an adult.
Christian walks up to us.
"dear, what should I offer you?"
"Oh, nothing I'm okay," I tell her.
"Are you sure?" She asks.
before I could reply, Morgan helps,
"Yes she is," he says, coming down the stairs.
I still don't understand this house. the outside of it is very appalling and the inside is quite the opposite. It's a small house but decorated with good taste, I give Christian a hand for that.
Morgan is dressed casually.
But it doesn't matter what he wears, he always looks good.
"Are guys going somewhere?" Rhonda asks, her voice just so sweet.
'Yeah' 'No' I and Morgan say in unison. Wonder why he said no. I look at Morgan then back at Rhonda -who is looking at me and Morgan with shifty eyes.
"I already know who to believe," Rhonda says.
"So Sam, where are you guys going?" Rhonda asks, her hand running through molly's fur.
I slowly look at Morgan who is totally against whatever this is.
"Um Rhonda, we are not going anywhere -"
"Yes we are," I jump in, looking at Morgan, and he raises his brows -disapproving.
"Really?" Rhonda asks ecstatically.
"Yeah," I say.
"Can I come with you?" She asks, and Morgan throws his hands in the air.
"I um, you...of, of course, you can come," I say tentatively, and look at Morgan's disapproval face.
"Wait, are you guys dating? Like are you together?" Christian who has been hushed and observant asks.
Yet again, another easy question with a difficult answer.
"Maybe," Morgan says looking at me, and I look away.
The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question. Are we together? Gosh, did the wretch in any way get a hold of my heart? Well, if my heart is with him right now, it's safer.
"Fine, let's go," Morgan says, and I stand up as well as Rhonda who is very excited to leave, and Morgan doesn't seem too happy about it.
"Rhonda if you are coming with, you have to leave your bunny at home," Morgan says.
"What? I can't leave her at home, all alone," Rhonda scorns.
"Alone? Your mom is here," I tell her.
"Yeah, she is," Rhonda says scornfully. And this makes me wonder if mother and daughter never seem to get along.
"Fine, fine. I'll leave molly at home," she obliges and put molly down on the sofa, and sadly
go outside.
"Can't believe she agreed to that," Morgan says to himself, and head outside, and I follow.
"Have a great time." Christian waves goodbye but non of her children seem to care.
As I drive, Morgan is seated in the passenger seat, and Rhonda is at the back, where the Hamper is.
Rhonda brings her face forward.
"Your car is really beautiful, it's great," she says fervidly.
"Where are we going?" She asks,
and I look at Morgan from the corner of my eyes. He isn't enjoying this.
"Green Lake Park," I say.
"Really? I've never been there before, how does it look like?"
"That's exactly where we are going, so sit down and be quiet," Morgan scolds her, and She quietly obeys.
We get to the park, and spread a blanket close to the playground -we sit on it, and I unpack the foods and drinks from the hamper, and arrange it in the middle. Many different kinds of food, spring rolls, pasta salad, fruit and veggie salad, egg sandwiches, brownies, and oatmeal cookies.
Wow, Gina with her giant mind.
"How prepared you are," Morgan says sarcastically.
"This is going to be the best picnic ever," Rhonda says, and I smile.
"I just love to eat," I say.
"And your body tells different," Morgan teases.
"Okey, I love the way I am and I'm not even slim," I tell him.
"Uh-huh," he mutters.
Rhonda takes a bite of the egg sandwich. "Mm mm, this is so good," she says with her mouth full, I pour her a glass of Pimms, and she sips from it and goes back to eating her sandwich.
"Did you make this?" She asks.
I look at Morgan who knows I didn't.
"Yeah, I did," I lie. I mean how can I make it when I was told this morning that we are going for a picnic. I had no time to prepare, I go for picnics fully prepared. But that doesn't mean I get to cook, I ordered anything needed. And I just wanted to be with Morgan.
"Wow, you are so good," Rhonda says.
"Yeah she is, isn't she," Morgan says sarcastically, but I just ignore him.
"Do you want some brownies?" I ask Rhonda, and she says 'no' but Morgan says he wants some.
"You eat brownies?" I ask him, and he surprisingly looks at me, as well as Rhonda.
"Why wouldn't I eat brownies?" He asks confusingly.
"Well, I'm just surprised because you look like you watch your weight. Unlike me, I eat anything and everything and still don't get fat, but you -if you eat this brownie you might no longer look fit just like that guy over there." I point a finger at an overweight middle-aged man with a pot belly -who is playing with a little boy at the playground. Rhonda gulps as she sees the man, and Morgan's face contorts with worries.
"Oh, things nature does," I mumble, and he looks at me.
"Fine, I won't eat it," he says.
"You won't? Come on, It's not like you'll be like him, you are two different people with different bodies," I state.
"Yeah Morgan, don't be afraid just have a bite," Rhonda says.
"No thanks," he says. I and Rhonda look at each other and grin.
"What's funny?" Morgan asks curiously.
"Everything. You see why it's a good thing that I don't get fat no matter how much I eat?" I tell him.
"Nice, you just made a point," he says sarcastically.
"Yeah, I just did."
"Now have some," I say as I try to put it in his mouth, but he refuses.
"No thanks."
"Morgan come on, I was just kidding, there's no way you'll turn from this to that," I say, differentiating him from the overweight man.
"I know, but you just killed my appetite for brownies."
"What? You are not serious, are you? I was only joking."
"But it's true though, you get fat if you eat brownies." Rhonda blunts, and we both look at her as she sips from her Pimms.
"See?" Morgan says.
"Come on, you add only if you eat it too much, but a bite won't turn you to that."
"If I take a bite I'll no longer be able to resist it," he says, and this makes me feel bad. Did I just ruin his love for brownies?
I drop the brownies down. He picks a fork and shoves a veggie salad in his mouth, as he eats, he pours himself a ginger beer.
"How did it go with Daniel?" He asks.
"How it always goes, not good," I tell him, and he nods like there are other things he wants to say.
"Can we go play?" Rhonda asks.
"You can go, we'll join you soon. stay close," Morgan tells her.
And this just proves it, there's something else.
Rhonda runs to the playground.
"Is everything okay?" I ask.
"I should be asking you that."
"Everything is fine with me," I say deceptively.
"I heard you Knock on the door." He puts on a poker face.
"I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to be loud," I say after a few seconds.
"Well, it was loud." He sounds upset.
"Morgan, what is it?"
"Let me see your knuckles." he brings his hands, and I reluctantly place my hand on his palm. He looks dejectedly.
"Do you have to hurt yourself?" He asks.
MORGAN.
AS I see the scratch on her knuckle, I feel sad and disappointed. She's too hard on herself.
"Do you have to hurt yourself? Is it worth it? Did your troubles go away? Was your problem solved?" I ask, trying to know, trying to understand why she can't just free herself from worries and sadness, why she can't just forget about the things that make her unhappy.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be happy."
"Can you just do that? Can you just be happy?" I ask.
"I don't know," she says, and take off her hand from mine, but I take it back and place a kiss on it.
"What happened?" I ask.
She opens her mouth finding it difficult to speak.
"Xavier's hearing is on Monday."
"And?" I still don't get it.
"And he might go to prison for a very long time, and I can't live with myself knowing he's in there," she says with moist eyes.
"It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do."
"Yes, there is. I was there and it was self-defense. One person was going to die anyway, it was either his mom or his dad, and he decided who it should be. He killed his dad, Morgan. That night was supposed to be a fun sleepover, but it turns out to be the night that makes every other night a nightmare." She says.
"Before my dad died I was already struggling to sleep, as if that wasn't enough, I lost the one person that helps me. I still remember everything like it was yesterday. Xavier's blue shirt was covered with his dad's blood, his face splattered with blood. He stabbed him continuously, and when he was done, he beams. God, it was very scary, and it was more scary that I couldn't talk to my parents about it. When I close my eyes I see him. I couldn't be friends with such a person. Yes it isn't my fault that he will be going to prison, but is my fault for being friends with him," she adds, and tears drop down her eyes.
"I don't know what to say," I tell her, and she wipes her tears.
She doesn't deserve this, I can't add to her pains. But if I must, I need to give her more happiness that can flush out any sort of pain, even if it is for a short time.
Rhonda runs back to us and playfully drags Sam by the hand.
"Come on, you need to see this," she tells her.
"See what? Rhonda wait..."
"Come on now," Rhonda drags her up and takes her to the playground.
And I'm left alone with the food and drinks. The brownies call me, and I struggle to resist.
I bring out my phone from my pocket and see a text from him, I open it.
Text: you have a month left.
I look at Sammy who is very happy playing with Rhonda.
I know what I came here for and if I'm going to make her sad, I might as well make her happy.
It would have been so much easier if it was someone else, so much easier if I'm not in love with her.
I drink up the ginger beer and have a taste of the egg sandwich.
"Nice. there's no way she made this," I mutter.
SAMMY.
Morgan comes and joins me and Rhonda, and we all ride on the chair spinner -one after the other. which Morgan does not want to, but we force him, and he rides screaming.
"It's so good to watch him scream," I tell Rhonda.
"Very," she says.
After the ride we take a stroll around the park, then to the beach -with Rhonda in the middle, holding our hands.
"This is so awesome," Rhonda says looking at the pool where kids are wading.
"Wow," Rhonda exclaims as we see the beach full of people dancing to a piece of loud music. We see a carport with a young woman in a white flare gown and a grown man in a black suit -seated together on a decorated chair, their faces full of smiles, and their hands wrapped around each other.
Rhonda runs to the space crowd and starts to dance.
"Is this a beach party?" I ask but Morgan gives no reply.
I look at him and see him staring at Rhonda with amazement. He drags me to the crowd and starts to dance.
God this is awkward.
I stand still in front of Morgan as he dances.
"Come on, have fun," he says.
"Trust me, I'm having fun watching you dance."
"Then it's not such a bad thing," he says, and keeps on persuading me to dance and I join him.
After a while, the music dies and the man and the young woman come out of the carport. The man's hand wraps around the lady's waist, and the lady's hand around his.
"We are so glad and happy to have you all celebrate the union of the both of us," the man says, and smiles at the lady, then back at the crowd.
This explains it, it's a wedding celebration.
"There's a lot to drink and eat," he says.
"Let's be happy!" He shouts and kisses his wife, and Morgan closes Rhonda's eyes with his palm. Everybody claps, some screaming in excitement. The DJ turns on the music, and I don't hesitate to dance.
"Whoooo!!" I shout in merriment, and Morgan and Rhonda join, and so as everybody.
It is a hell of a celebration that we don't know when the night meets us.
We drive back home, I stop at Morgan's -and we all get down.
Rhonda gives me a big hug.
"It was a fun picnic," she says and heads inside.
"She really had fun," Morgan says as he stands in front of me.
"So do I."
"That makes the three of us," he says
He scratches his forehead nervously.
"I should go," I tell him.
"Oh, um...OK," he says as he comes closer, and I just wait for him to make the move, but he seems not to.
"Are you going to kiss me or what?" I say, letting him know I'm okay with it.
He chuckles, and as he's about to,
"Ahem," Rhonda clears her throat, and Morgan shifts backward.
Molly in her arms.
She always got the timing right.
"I'm sorry for that, again," she says, and I raise my brows.
Is she an eight-year-old?
"Molly just wanted to say good night," she says.
Is she really serious with this molly thing?
She hands her over to me, and I quickly say good night and hand molly back to Rhonda.
"So you aren't going home yet?" She asks.
"She is, we are just saying good nights," Morgan sounds anxious.
"Oh, okay. I will just watch you leave," Rhonda says, and I smile, seeing how exhausted Morgan looks.
"Is there something wrong?" Rhonda asks.
And I and Morgan reply in unison as I say 'no' and Morgan says 'yes'.
"You guys can do whatever you want to do, I saw enough at the party anyway," she gushes, and Morgan scowls at her.
Seeing them, my smile continues to grow.
"Okey, fine, I will go back inside," Rhonda says and walks inside.
Morgan scoffs.
"She's smart, isn't she?"
"Yap," I say as I beam.
"Good night Morgan," I add and get inside the car, leaving him dumbstruck.
I start the car and drive off, and the smile on my face just grows wider. That was fickle of me.
I get home, and the irresistible aroma leads me to the kitchen, and I see my mom in an apron, cooking. She turns and sees me.
"Hey hon, you are back. How was it?"
I neglect the fact that she just asked me about my day with Morgan.
"Mom, what are you doing?"
I ask as I see her preparing candied yams.
"I'm cooking."
"I know you are cooking, but what exactly are you cooking?"
"Is today your birthday? Cause I know it's not mine," I ask, confused.
"Today is not my birthday okay? I just decide to prepare candied yams.
"And there's no occasion."
"does There have to be an occasion for someone to prepare candied yams?"
"For you? Yes," I say, and she sighs.
"Well there isn't one, so go freshen up and let's eat dinner," she instructs, and I surprisingly walk away.
I freshen up and go back downstairs. We sit and eat in the dining.
As we eat I notice the dark circle around my mom's eyes.
"Mom, have you been crying?" I ask, concerned. And She wipes the under of her eyes.
"I'm fine."
"No, you are not. Mom seriously, what's going on?"
"Nothing, I just um..." She takes a deep breath.
"I miss your dad," she says quietly, and I find it difficult to believe even if she sounds sincere.
"Do you really?" I ask.
"Yes, yes I do," she says, nodding.
"He was the best, and I still can't believe he's gone," she says, and cover her mouth with her palm, her elbow resting on the table. She blinks away her tears and pick up the fork and continues to eat, trying to act fine.
I believe she does miss dad, but I never really understand their relationship.
"So tell me, how was your day?"
"It was fine and fun," I say, and she quietly looks at me.
"Do you love him?" She asks and I choke. I pour myself a glass of water and drink from it. I take a deep breath.
"Sam, do you love him?" She asks, again.
"Mom, love is a big word."
"So you don't?"
"I don't know, but I know I love being around him, I like him for sure but I don't think I can love him."
"Why? Is it because he's a wretch?"
"Maybe."
"Or maybe you are just scared because you think they are pains attached to love."
"Uh-huh," I mumble.
"There's no way it can be like this forever. Loving him means he has to be a part of me, and what if something happens? I already lost a part of me once and I'm just getting myself together, I can't risk that."
"And thanks to him, you are getting yourself together," she says. I'm glad that I can talk to her about this.
She pours herself a glass of wine and takes a sip from it.
Since we are on a good chapter tonight, I think this is the right time to confront her.
"Mom has been meaning to talk to you about James."
"Don't worry about that, it's over."
"You broke up with him?" As if they were dating.
"Don't say that." She scrunches her face.
I'm glad that they are over.
"Okey, do the dishes, I will head up to my room," she says as she stands up, her win glass still in her hand.
"And be prepared for tomorrow," she says, leaving.
Thanks, mom, you just remind me I was once worried.
THE NEXT DAY, I wake up very early. Lying on my bed, I blank stare at the ceiling. If I say anything I'm putting myself and others at risk, including James. And besides, Xavier is the one who killed his dad, he should go down for it, alone.
After tons of thoughts about the hearing, my room slowly brightens. I stand up and go to the window, I draw the curtains open, then open my window.
I look up at the blue sky, the weather sound and smiling, bright but absent. It is of course absent because it's not my today's reality. The weather smiles but I'm sad, it's sound but I'm aching, it's bright but I'm muddy. The weather certainly does not respond to my reality, it's very much absent.