The value of it all
-Lyra Emerald-
I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I didn't even have the energy to cry as I lay in a heap on the floor of my own bedroom. There was no room I hated more on this earth, it had been my cell for 16 years, suffocating and confined and utterly vile.
Now, I thought to myself, now I am definitely at rock bottom. There was nothing left. My legs ached as well as my head, and I couldn't quite seem to get my thoughts into order.
But all I could think was how I had done this to myself. No one else was to blame. I choose to become a death eater, I choose to not tell the Dark Lord about the diadem. And, with all that was going on, all I wished for was to know. Know what it did, know why it was held with such importance. I couldn't understand. What relevance was a Ravenclaw tiara?
I wondered where Draco was but my mind felt tangled and lost and I didn't know what was really going on. I didn't have the strength to weigh up possibilities, I just prayed he wasn't dead. He needed to be alive. He had to.
I wanted to sit up, survey my surroundings and fix myself a plan. But I just couldn't. And this vulnerable feeling was one I was not accustomed to.
I closed my eyes. If I could be anywhere but here, I allowed my mind to wonder, I didn't have the strength to stop it.
My mind drifted, to a place I craved so strongly, it ached even more. But this was a place where pain was not even a contemplation, pain did not exist in this realm.
The grass was soft under my feet, fresh but not cold, and the warm sun spread across my fair skin as though welcoming me with a close embrace. The cottage stood only a few metres away from me now, and I smiled at its presence. The sound of the stream and the birds and the hum of the surrounding woodland carried on the afternoon breeze, there, yet not loud. Quiet yet not silent. It was peaceful.
The house stood strong but not so grand that it intruded its surroundings. It was stone, and simple, sturdy. Unruly, green ivy made its way across the brickwork, captivating most of the house with its grassy leaves. From the large windows I could see Draco inside, washing the dishes at the sink by hand, his wand tucked behind his ear, his face flushed with a summer glow, a happy radiance that made me happy too. He was humming to himself and I could hear it faintly through the open window. By the window grew an apple tree, not quite a sapling but young and tender, fresh in its new roots. I would one day put a rope swing there, I thought to myself, once the tree had grown.
A smile snuck onto my face. I was happy. So utterly, consuming my happy here.
Flowers grew along the path that led into the forest and I followed them with my eyes until the pathway disappeared from view. The woods were bright, they welcomed me in a way, it was entrancing as the sun set just below the tops of the branches. Turning back to the house, Draco now sat on the bench, just beside the door, a familiar book in one hand, an inky quill in the other, a basket of green apples sat near his feet. He looked so engrossed in the pages, his blue eyes following the words without a care in world, his quill making small notes as he went along. It was then, I noticed Ebon, sitting on the fence beside the cottage. He was cleaning his feathers, perched comfortably, nearly blending into the late summer scenery behind him. This was the only future I could possibly want, this was peace. Perhaps this is heaven I thought.
"Emerald." I opened my eyes and the room around me was cold and dark and grey once more. Suddenly, I was snapped back into this horrible reality, this sick and twisted game the Dark Lord insisted on playing. We were only the pieces, not prizes nor trades, not now, not anymore.
I breathed out, slowly, yet did not have the energy to lift my head.
"No ones ever going to hurt you like that again, Emerald." Fabian hushed, taking a seat on the hard ground next to me. His hand reached for my cheek, and I wanted to pull away, but I didn't have the energy to. My face distorted into a sort of rage and disgust, yet his voice soothed me in a way.
"Don't..." was all I could manage, some mousey, pathetic word. How my life had changed, how was I now the weak one at the mercy of this boy. There once was a time that an entire army listened to me, obeyed me, now I was a life that was likely not to be spared, by the people I had once led.
"Lyra, please." His tone was almost shocked at my coldness. What did he still want from me? What more could he possibly take away? Had he not betrayed me enough?
"Carrow..." I started, trying to get up. First, making it only to elbows and then managing to sit up with my hands. "Carrow, don't make me go through that again." My head was still spinning as these words trundled out, mumbled and unsure. I was unsure of what one was to say in a situation like this. What does one do when their best friend has put them through something they may never recover from.
"Where is Draco?" My mind grew clearer as I tried too hard to organise my chaotic thoughts.
"Emerald.."
"Where is he...is he alive?" I interrupted Fabian as my mind struck with fear at the thought of where Malfoy might be in this moment.
"Lyra...I..."
"Is he alive?" My tone was firm now, my eyes glaring and strong. I needed to know and there was no question as to either he was going to answer me or not.
"Yes...he's alive...Malfoy is alive." The Raven haired boys face scrunched as he spoke, as though Draco's name tasted dirty in his mouth.
We were silent for a moment. The sound of my breathing was loud, heavy, and I didn't like the atmosphere in the room, the two of us, once so close, our relationship now completely crumbled.
"I'm sorry. " Fabians sad eyes pierced through mine as he broke the quiet. I was dizzy and wanted to sleep, to curl up into a ball and never move again. I wasn't sure sorry was really going to cut it. This boy had betrayed me, hurt me in ways I could not quite yet comprehend. Sorry was not going to be good enough.
Then again, apologies don't count for much when your dead.
"I should've done something..I...I'm trapped, my dying here Lyra, I'm dying." As shaking hand ran through his black curls as he stood up, but my eyes were empty as they stared back up at him. He thought he was dying, I was already dead.
"I've let you down...I'm sorry..."
Shakily, I stood up, to properly face him now. "No," my words were weak but meaningful all the same. "An apology without change....that's just manipulation...don't you dare try and reek sympathy from me now, to satisfy your own guilt. You're just sorry for yourself."
"But Emerald...I can be good...I can...please...you know I love you...you know that...you've always known that." I tilted my head to the side in a sorrowful confusion as I took in every detail of this boys sallow face. His jaw, his hollow eyes, his soft soft lips. I knew he loved me, But I could not love him, not now. "I cannot fall in love with the man you wish you were...the man that you are not."
Fabian exhaled slowly as he thought of what to say. Really, what could he say now, nothing could be said to make it better and I think he knew that. I think he knew he had gone too far this time.
"All I wanted, all this time was you Emerald. You." Carrow took a step closer towards me, I could smell his scent, his last cigarette and his salty tears that still stained his shirt. I shook my head as these words melted out of the ice cold boy. "It was you....and I'm so...I'm so lost." His eyes looked almost deranged now, as he started pacing in the room, his hands shaking as he pointed at me. "You...you can save me."
"Fabian," I spoke, my words coming out harsh and dry, "I cannot save someone who, really, does not want to be saved."
Fabian and I were so alike yet so different. In the past we had been close, very close. But did he really think I could forgive him, not now. We had both committed crimes of evil that I never wish to speak of again, but he was one of my best friends and I don't think we could ever be the same, not after everything. He was so thirsty to please, so keen to be wanted, did we not make him feel wanted enough? It was the power he craved, and I knew just how addicting it could be. Unlike me however, Fabian didn't have anyone to fight for. And he clearly didn't value my friendship enough to settle for it.
"Please...you need to help us." Finally I broke the silence that had fallen upon us like morning mist on an October field. It was too late to be so concealed, pleading was all one could do now.
"We need to get out of here...it doesn't have to be like this Fabian. I know that you want to help me. "
The boy pondered for a moment, his brows furrowing and his eyes growing red, stinging behind the veil of emptiness. "It's too late for that now." His words were quiet and broken and sore in the room, each one striking me like a dagger of ruined hope. His head shook slowly as though he, himself, wasn't sure of what he was saying.
"If you do this," I swallowed, this nasty taste was forming in my mouth and it wouldn't seem to go away. "If you don't help me, there will be no chance of the Dark Lord failing...the whole world will change, the world will end." I made my last plea, reaching out, hoping there was still a boy inside there somewhere.
"But Lyra, don't you see, my world already ended when your heart yearned for him instead."
The only good thing about diamonds was that you drowned quicker, sinking into the deep end, weighed down by your title and crown. But some did not have the diamonds to drag them under the roaring tides of life, so, they had to slowly, sabotage their own life, and drag themselves under the murky depths alone.
Authors note:
Hi all! I'm so sorry for the long wait but here it is and I hope u enjoyed it. This chap took ages and I'm still not 100% happy with it but we move. Plz comment If u liked it or if it was really confusing 😭😩
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