A/N: This is part is the missing piece of The Mismatched's Chapter 16.
PROLOGUE
#BHOCAMP #BlaRis #BHOCAMP10TWC
ERIS' POV
"I can't be with you anymore, Enyo."
"No. You can't leave me. You promised me. You promised me that you'll never leave me alone again."
"I promised that to the woman that I thought loved me."
"I love you..."
Umiling si Blaze at sa kabila ng galit na nakabalatay sa kaniya, sa hindi malamang kadahilanan ay nararamdaman ko ang sakit na nagmumula sa kaniya. "I wish that's true. I really wish that you're saying the truth. But I'm done letting you lie to me and I'm done pretending that I believe you."
Dala ang bote ng alak na tumalikod siya at walang salitang pumasok sa kuwarto niya. Taking the ring that he was supposed to give Enyo... taking the piece of my sister's heart that he ripped out while trying to keep his own together even though I can see how it's falling apart. I can see what Blaze is trying to hide. I can see how this is costing him.
I watched as my sister crumpled to the ground with tears falling from her eyes. Her body trembling as if the pain is pinning her down.
I don't know what to do. I want to comfort her... but I don't know how. Hindi ko alam kung anong tamang sabihin sa kaniya sa mga oras na ito. Hindi ko alam kung may magagawa ba ako para makatulong.
I don't think there's anything that anyone could do right at this moment. I need to try because I can't see her like this.
Lumapit ako sa kaniya pero naunahan ako ng isa pang tao na naging saksi rin sa mga naganap sa gabi na ito. I saw him reach for my sister pero hindi pa nagtatagal ang kamay niya sa balikat ni Enyo ay pumiksi na ang babae at kaagad na lumayo na para bang napaso siya.
I opened my mouth to speak and went closer to her pero nilagpasan niya lang ako at tigmak ng luha na tuloy-tuloy pumasok sa kuwarto namin.
"Fuck."
My eyes went to Stone but he was also moving. Malalaki ang mga hakbang na lumabas siya ng hotel room na kinaroronan namin.
Nanghihina na napaupo ako sa sofa na nasa likod ko at isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa mga kamay ko. For awhile, I stayed there, not being able to wrap everything that happened around my brain. Kasi parang ang bilis. Parang biglaan.
Hindi ito ang inaasahan ko na mangyari. I know they have problems. Blaze and Enyo have been dating for years now. They love each other... they were happy. But I know... I know that their relationship is not perfect. I know it more than my sister think I do. I know more than I wanted to.
Stop caring.
I keep telling myself that. Hindi tama. Hindi dapat. The only thing I should care about is my sister. And I do... I care about her a lot. But I care more... I care more than I should.
I'm not in love with him. Of course not. But for some reason I can see his pain so clearly. Kaya kahit hindi dapat, kahit hindi tama na makielam ako sa problema na hindi ko naman kayang solusyunan, I couldn't stop myself from caring that he was also hurting.
Tumayo ako at lumapit ako sa kuwarto kung saan nandoon si Enyo at kumatok ako pero walang sumasagot. I tried turning the knob but it was locked. Sinandal ko ang noo ko sa pintuan at mahina man iyon pero sigurado ako na ang pag-iyak niya ang naririnig ko.
Damn it. This is wrong. This is not how this night supposed to end. It was supposed to be about Blaze proposing to the woman he loves. It should be about them being happy. Hindi ganito.
I don't know if it's because of frustration, the anger from what's happening, or the alcohol in my system that made me do it. Kuyom ang mga kamay na umiba ako ng direksyon at sa pagkakataon na ito ay tinungo ko ang kuwarto na kinaroroonan ng lalaki. Malakas at sunod-sunod ang naging pagkatok ko. He needs to fix this. He need to do something.
"Open up, Blaze!"
Nang wala akong maramdaman na pagkilos sa loob ng kuwarto ay pinihit ko and seradura. It was open. Hindi nangingiming tuluyan kong binuksan iyon pero sa pagkagulat ko ay may mga kamay na humila sa akin. Before I could even moved, I was suddenly in the arms of the man that I shouldn't be with. Not like this.
"B-Blaze let go..."
"I'm sorry."
"What?" I whispered.
"I love you. I can't let you go. I can't. I can't give you that. I was wrong. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I love you too much. Hindi ko kaya... hindi ko kayang mawala ka."
Nanigas ang katawan ko habang pinapakinggan ang mga salitang namumutawi mula sa kaniya. I can smell alcohol coming from him, I can feel the weight of his body, and I know... I know that he's thinking of someone else.
"Blaze-"
Hindi ko nagawang tapusin ang sasabihin ko nang sa isang iglap ay natagpuan ko na lang na magkahugpong ang mga labi namin. I couldn't move at first. I was taken aback. For a lot of reasons... and some of them I don't want to acknowledge.
He was so warm. His arms feel strong around me... his lips claiming me in a way that I haven't felt before. It was like the time stopped and the world halted from spinning. It was like for a moment a part of me that was so tired... so drained from things that I can't even name... found a ground that will catch me.
It felt so right.
But I know it's not.
My eyes snapped open and I tried to pushed him away... but he was stronger. I found myself being lead deeper into the room until the back of my legs hit the edge of the bed. He pushed me gently and there was nothing I could do when his huge built towered over mine.
"Stop, Blaze..."
It was as if he couldn't hear me. He just took my lips again in a fervent kiss while his hands roamed around me. Napasinghap ako na para bang papel lang ang mga damit ko na basta niya iyong pinunit hanggang ang tangi na lang natitira sa akin ay ang kapiraso kong pang-ibaba. Kaagad binalot ng lamig ang katawan ko pero hindi nagtagal iyon nang lumapat ang init niya sa akin.
And for a moment... for a moment his warmth was so potent that I can feel my mind clouding. Hi touch, his kiss... everything about him is inebriating. Like he's a drug and I can't get enough of. For a moment a small part of me begun to get louder and louder as if making its existence known.
For a moment I wanted to let go of my control. To stop fighting... stop struggling. For a moment I wanted it all.
I want the man that always smile at me, the man that listened to my endless stories as if they were so interesting even though I know he was just distracting himself from what he's going through. The man that I saw breaking from the weight of the lost of his sister. And yet I also want the man that can still find a reason to smile even though life keep throwing things to make it hard to do so.
He was so full of life before. So transparent like a clear ocean that anyone will want to drown themselves into. His heart so big that could love so much.
Pero hindi ikaw ang mahal niya.
Kasabay nang pagbuhos sa akin ng katotohanan ay ang pagragasa ng luha mula sa mga mata ko. Blaze's body stiffened as his lips touched the side of my face that are now wet with tears.
"P-Please... please stop."
Habang pwede pa. Habang hindi pa kami nakakagawa ng mga bagay na mas pagsisihan namin. While there's time to stop ourselves.
While I still can.
He looked down at me... at my tear streak face and I saw how his eyes flashed with recognition followed by the pain so strong that I can feel a vice squeezing my heart. Pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti akong nadudurog habang pinagmamasdan ang mga mata niya na ngayon ay katulad ko ay lumuluha na rin.
He didn't say anything more but I felt him grab a blanket and covered me with it. Umalis siya sa ibabaw ko pero imbis na lumayo ay parang walang lakas na nanatili siya sa tabi ko habang nakatingin sa kisame.
His voice was rough when he finally speak as if he's breaking so heavy with remorse from what he did. What we did. "I'm sorry."
This time I know it was for me. I know what it is for and even if I know it's the right thing, that part of me that came alive for a moment, cried deep inside me, hurting from what he's regretting.
"I keep ruining things don't I? So fucked up... I'm so fucked up." Lumingon siya sa direksyon ko at umangat ang kamay niya para marahang punasan ang luha ko sa pamamagitan ng likod ng palad niya. I can see the torment in his eyes, the guilt, and the anguish.
Binalot ko ang kumot sa sarili ko at akmang tatayo na ako pero hindi ko iyon nagawa nang maramdaman ko ang kamay niya na pumigil sa akin.
The small glimpses of the pain I keep seeing in him for awhile now is now bared as if anything cloaking it disappeared. I can see everything his trying to hide more than I already did. I can see that he don't want me to leave... but I also know if given the chance it's not me that he wanted here.
"Stay."
"I can't," I whispered.
"Just ten minutes.... or five. Kahit sandali lang, pwede bang huwag mo muna akong iwan?"
I know he's using me. Not that way. Not the way that almost happened. But I know he's using me. To make himself forget... to get through what he lost. A person that looks like me but won't ever be me.
"I know I have no right. I know it's wrong. I know you don't deserve this." A lone tear fell from his eyes but he smiled bitterly. "But can you stay? Just for awhile. I won't ask for more."
He's in pain. I couldn't ignore him. I wanted to but I couldn't. Even if I should have. Not only tonight but even those times... even those moments that I should have turn away.
Hindi niya binitawan ang kamay ko at sa halip ay bahagya niya akong hinila hanggang sa muling lumapat ang ulo ko sa kama habang magkaharap kami.
"It's not too late," I whispered. "You can still fix this. She loves you."
"I don't know how."
"Blaze..."
"What we have, it's like being in a life support. I thought if I give her my heart then it will be enough for her to live. Instead it's just killing her because it's not my heart that she needed. It's not the right one. I can't fix anything if it's not me that can heal her."
"You don't know that."
"I do know," he whispered back. "That's who I am. Like poison, I only hurt the people around me. I can't touch anything without breaking it. I can't protect anything because I'm the one that everyone should protect themselves for." His hand tightened on mine. "I even hurt you... and for that I needed to pay."
"Blaze..."
He wasn't listening anymore. He's still holding my hand but his eyes are close, his breathing steady with his body letting him succumb to sleep. But there's no peace that could be seen from him. Even in his slumber I can see that he's still suffering from the nightmare of his reality. His reality where his demons lived... and I became one of them... I became the new addition; the guilt from what transpired here.
But it wasn't just his cross to carry. It was mine too.
He stopped. He didn't take all of me. Nothing happened between us. Hindi sa ganoong paraan. But I also know that something changed. Something uncontrollable. Something that is not right.
I need to take a step back. I need to continue burying what I felt tonight. It's easier that way because I know that I don't love him but there's a possibility that I would if I don't stay away.
Pinagmasdan ko ang natutulog niya na mukha at sa kabila ng dapat ay natagpuan ko ang kamay kong marahang dumampi sa pisngi niya. I should have pulled away. I shouldn't have stayed. I shouldn't have let myself have that few minutes of selfishness.
If I didn't, maybe things didn't end the way it did. Maybe it wouldn't have cause what happened next. Maybe... just maybe... there's was enough left to be salvageable.
Blaze didn't crossed the line but I did. I crossed the line that I shouldn't have and he should never know about. There's a part of me that keeps on reaching for him... feeling for him. No matter how hard I try to stop myself I keep on caring for this man that I need to walk away from.
For that I will always be guilty. For that... I will be the one paying.
__________________________End of Prologue.