Warnings: funeral, mentions of deaths, mentions of nightmares, guilt, Lee being absolute sweetheart (I love him) and also him being a bad cook
Y/n's POV
Professor Dumbledore's occurred a week after the battle. Hundreds of chairs were placed around white tomb near the Black Lake. An entire delegation from Ministry has been staying in Hogwarts past week. Almost all students attended funeral, except for ones that were pulled out of school as soon as parents heard of headmaster's death.
All of the Hogsmead residents had come as well. Dumbledore's friends and people that respected him came to say their final goodbye. Even Beauxbatons' Headmistress, Madam Maxime, came here from France. Even centaurs and merepeople joined the funeral
Fred and George were helping Bill stand. Fleur whispered to him that it would be better if he stayed in bed. Bill reassured her with kiss that he would be fine. Hagrid carried Dumbledore's body wrapped in starry silk and placed it on tomb.
Professor's friend gave a good-bye speech. Half of the people cried. Merepeople sang their melody in honor of late Headmaster. Centaurs released arrows above our head, drawing gasps from most of us.
As funeral finished and people began to leave, I noticed trio walking by the lake. Their faces were serious as they spoke. I made me scared for them. They were up to some self-sacrificing shit again.
***
It's been a few days after Professor Dumbledore's funeral and the only thing I could think of was what I did to Rowle. I shouldn't have snapped like that. I killed someone in wave of anger and I can't shake away quilt. I don't regret it entirely, but I'm not proud of it. Regret haunting me in the night and I don't think it'll stop anytime soon.
It was like he found way to taunt me even from hell. For days after battle the only thing I dreamed of somehow always included Rowle. They varied but he was always on them. One dream was about him killing my dad. In the other one he killed my mum. In one he killed Fred.
Fred would wake up every time nightmares struck. He would hold me close to him. Kisses pressed on my hairline and forehead. Sweet nothings whispered in my ear every night. I haven't told any of the boys. I didn't know how they would react. I made up a lie that nightmares were because of the war. It wasn't a whole le after all.
Fred seemed to buy it. But his over-protectiveness always took over. George and Lee caught up that something might be wrong as well. Bags under my eyes were pretty much dead giveaway. They asked if everything was okay. Thankfully they didn't question anything further when I told them it's nothing to worry about.
"Okay spit it out. You're unusually quite ever since Professor Dumbledore's death. And you look like a fucking zombie. What's wrong?" Lee asked as he put a mug of warm tea in front of me and sat on armchair across the table. Fred and George left to help Molly and Fleur move Bill in Shell cottage, a house Bill and Fleur had just moved in.
"It's nothing. Just thinking." I answered, taking a sip of tea.
"Oh, don't 'it's nothing' me. I know you long enough to know something's off. What is it? You know, you can trust me with anything." Lee said, sincerely.
"I know, Lee."
"Then what's wrong?" He asked again. "Did you kill someone?" He joked but his eyes widened when he saw the look on my face and my bowed head.
"Oh, shit, you actually did. Oh Godric, I'm so sorry I was joking... I didn't know." Lee apologized and moved to sit on couch next to me. "A Death Eater?"
"Yeah. Rowle. I was fighting him in corridor and he was trying to get under my skin and I let him. He said something about my father and I lost myself. I killed him." I confessed. Not talking about this with anyone started to slowly drive me crazy.
"Y/n, it was battle you didn't have a choice." Lee wrapped a comforting hand on my shoulders.
"Yes I had choice! I could try to keep myself together and not kill him. Lee, I used Cruciatus on him!" I shouted.
"You what?" Lee whispered quietly.
"I used Cruciatus on him." I whispered and lowered my head. "I wasn't thinking. He said some things and I wanted him to feel pain and I just..."
"Oh, N/n." Lee whispered, sympathetically, and hugged me tighter. "Listen to me Y/n, we're in war and all of us will be forced to kill someone in order to protect ourselves or someone we love. You're Auror someday you won't have other choice than to kill a dark wizard."
"But I had choice now. And I didn't have to use Cruciatus on him. I shouldn't have let him get to me. That's what he tried to do."
"Y/n if anybody else was in your shoes that day they'd react the same way. You can't blame yourself for that when most of the people would do that exact thing." Lee pulled away from the hug and looked me straight in the eye. It was a rare sight to see Lee strict. But here he was now.
"But does that make us better than them? They're killing us we're killing them, where's the difference?" I questioned, my head falling on Lee's shoulder.
"They're killing innocents because they crave power and control. Because they think they're better. We're killing them only when really need to in order to protect those innocents and the ones we love.
"What makes us better is the fact that we try to avoid killing them and that we feel guilt. We don't enjoy and celebrate our kills. But most of them do. I don't need to tell you that muggle Aurors have to kill sometimes."
"I feel bad anyway. The worst part is that I don't regret it. But it's also not something I wanted to do. I feel guilty but I also feel like he deserved it." I sighed in frustration.
"That just shows that you're a normal human being." Lee patted my hair. "I need you to know that you're not a bad person. In fact you're one of the best people I met. Listen to me," He grabbed my face and looked deep into my eyes. "You are not like them."
"Thank you, Lee." I smiled.
"You're welcome. Come on, now. Up, up." Lee stood up from couch and extended him hand to me.
"Why?" I frowned.
"We're gonna make something sweet to make you feel better." He grinned. "Well, actually, I'm going to try to make you something. Just a little heads up, I can't cook really well. But, but..." He added quickly after I raised eyebrow at him. "If I could cook for that idiot of mine, I can cook for my best friend as well."
I smiled gratefully at him. "You know, you don't have to do this."
"Oh, I know. But I want to. Besides your beloved boyfriend isn't here so now it's my duty to cheer you up. I mean I'd try to do it even if Fred was here." Lee gave a short hug and rushed in kitchen. I shook my head with small laugh before following him.
Lee had already grabbed eggs and milk from fridge. He let out a victorious 'Aha!' when he found a plastic bowl. I should really make them cook more if they consider finding a bowl big success. I rolled my eyes at his goofiness and approached him.
"You need help?" I chuckled.
"Nope." He empathized 'p'. "Now go sit in a chair and... I don't know, read a book? If you feel like it. And I'm going to try not to set us on fire."
"Should I trust you with stove?"
"While I'm making tea, yes. For pancakes on the other hand. That is questionable."
"Dear Godric, save me from the idiots I'm surrounded by." I slapped my forehead lightly.
"Oh, you'll survive." Lee waved his hand dismissively. HE cracked eggs inside bowl, already making batter. "Maybe get a second degree burns." He mumbled to himself.
"I'm blaming house fire on you, Jordan." I teased. With flick of my wand I summoned a book I recently started to read. I leaned back in chair and opened a book.
"L/n, you and I both know you love me very much." Lee smirked. "Which means you'll never let me..."
"You want to take that chance?"
"You want to take that chance." He mocked me.
"Is that the best you got? Geez, Lee, you're getting old with those comebacks."
"Fuck off. But I'm glad to see your humor is still there."
"I live with you three idiots. How can I lose my humor?" I questioned, trying to concentrate on reading.
"One more question." Lee turned to me. "Where is pancake pan?"
"This will turn into disaster I can feel it." I said, pointing for Lee where to look and starting my book.
Surprisingly enough, Lee made batter with minimal chaos. If we don't count flour in his hair and counter. And one broken egg on the floor. Everything went smoothly.
Lee was busy with pancakes and I read my book. Occasionally we exchanged couple of words. Lee was going surprisingly well with flipping pancakes. That is until I heard him muttering 'Oh, fuck'. I turned my attention to him and didn't know whether to laugh at him or scold him.
"How, in the name of Godric Gryffindor, did you stuck pancake on the ceiling?" I tried to be annoyed but it was far too funny for me to try and suppress my laugh.
"I don't know!" Lee looked between pan in his hand and ceiling. "One moment I threw it up and other it was up there."
"You really are something else, Lee Jordan."
"It's not my fault!"
"Up 'till now I thought it was only possible in cartoons." I shook my head.
"Remind me, cartoons are those moving pictures in some electrical boxes."
"Yeah and it's called TV. Maybe we should get one." I said.
"It's fine by me."
Lee didn't let me touch any of the pancakes while he made. That had me pouting. I was complaining after every fifth page I read. Sometimes I thought he'll throw something at me.
"Oh come one. You'd let Fred and George eat them if they were here." I exclaimed. Smell was too good to ignore. "I'll start to think you care more about them than about me."
"Let me tell you a secret." Lee out pan on the stove and drew nearer me. He leaned close to my ear, whispering. "I care about you just a tiny bit more than our dearest Frederick."
"But not more than George?" I teased.
"Shut it, L/n." Lee threatened. "Like Fred is not the person you care the most about."
"Go fuck yourself, Jordan."
"I'm right and you know it." He smirked. "But, we can't do anything about loving and caring for them. Assholes are too adorable not to." He shook his head with grin.
"And also very reckless, so they need constant babysitter." I added.
"That too."Lee agreed. "It's not like we're much better. But all this that we said about them stays between us."
"Agreed. Their egos are way too big even without this."
"It can be annoying at time."
"Yeah. Ah... Lee, shouldn't you flip that pancake?" I raised eyebrow.
"Shit!" Lee nearly sprinted in direction of stove. "Why didn't you remind me earlier?!" He flipped it. Smell of burnt spread around kitchen. "It's almost black." Lee cringed.
"Seriously? First one ends up on the ceiling and the other gets burned. You're terrible at this." I smirked. "I think that batter is dreading the day it was made."
"And I sometimes dread the day I befriended you." He stuck his tongue out at me.
I made vulgar gesture before replying. "You were singing a different song just a moment ago."
"You weren't annoying a moment ago."
Front door opened. It was soon followed by a shouted questioned. "Y/n? Lee? Are you okay?!" It was Fred.
"Was there a fire?" George asked. They slowly walked in kitchen with wands drawn. I burst out laughing while Lee looked like he'll throw pan at them.
"Lee, were you cooking?" Fred raised eyebrow.
"Burn in hell, all of you." Lee spoke through gritted teeth.
"Lee, sweetheart," George started, barely succeeding in suppressing his laugher. Fred on the other hand didn't even bother. He has practically doubled over. "What did we say about cooking?"
"Fuck you."
"Don't tell me he tried to cook before." Fred looked at George.
"Fred, stop being a dickhead." I warned.
"Only joking, love."
"Yes, I tried to cook before. So what?"
"And both you and I know it didn't end gloriously." George smiled.
"You were distracting me!" Lee protested.
"How?" George smirked. "I only got out of the shower in nothing but pants on."
"I do not want to know what happened after that." I mumbled.
"I agree with Y/n." Fred nodded. "But when did cooking part happen and why I don't have any idea about it."
"Maybe because there's thing called privacy." Lee shot him glare.
"When you and Y/n went out on date couple of weeks ago." George answered. "You don't need to know anything else."
"Oooh, I don't think we want to." Fred wriggled eyebrows at them.
"You're signing a death sentence, Frederick." Lee pointed knife he took from counter at him.
"I didn't say anything." Fred smirked.
"Can we at least eat those good pancakes?" I pouted at the plate resting on kitchen counter. "And turn off the stove. We'll really end up in house fire."
"Strawberry jam or chocolate?" Lee raised eyebrow.
"Both." I shrugged.
"I should have seen that coming." Lee nodded, grabbing jam and chocolate.
"May I ask is there any reason for you to cook?" George asked, sitting across from me. Fred sat beside me, his arm draped around the back of y chair.
"Do I need reason to cook for my friend?"
"Oh, Lee you shouldn't have to." Fred smiled teasingly. "But I love you anyway."
"Who said I was talking about you?" Lee raised eyebrow.
"Ouch, but fair." Fred laughed and placed kiss on my temple.
As we ate Fred and George told us about Bill and Fleur's new house. They complained how they have to listen to Molly and Fleur drone on about upcoming wedding. Neither of them could still believe that the two of them had made peace with each other. 'They've been at each other's throats just two weeks ago!' Fred exclaimed and almost knocked his plate from table.
My leg couldn't stop bouncing up and down during dinner. And Fred noticed it. He didn't press anything. Only put his hand on my knee. He would occasionally squeeze my knee just to reassure me he was there. But a worried looks were thrown my way every now and then.
"I'm gonna go change." George announced, getting up. "Anyone up for some board games?"
"I'll pass." I shook my head.
"Are you feeling alright, darling?" Fred asked. He was standing as well, hand placed on my shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah." I nodded. "You should go change as well."
Fred didn't look convinced. But he nodded and followed George out. Behind closed kitchen door we could hear him say to George that he's worried. I sighed and took the last sip of butterbeer.
"We should tell them." Lee stated.
"You do it." I got up. "I'll be out."
"Whoa, whoa, you're going out at this hour in the street full of Death Eaters only over my dead body." Lee blocked my path. "I don't need to remind you that there's war and someone could kill you or abduct you in blink of an eye."
"As much as I appreciate your concern, Lee, I'm not easy target. Besides I'll be on roof." I kissed his cheek.
"Be careful not to be seen."
"That enormous hat will hide me." I chuckled.
I snuck past Fred's and my room. I pulled down small ladder that lead to opening on the ceiling. The one that lead to the roof. The air had cooled down slightly since today. Comfortable, summer breeze caressed my skin as set down on blanket. George Lee must have forgotten it here last night.
I took deep breath and laid on my back. Stars twinkled on the clear sky. I pointed out different constellations. I didn't remember much of them form Astrology but I could recognize some. The beauty of stars never failed to amaze me. They were shining only for themselves and no one else.
Door to the roof opened and I already knew who was coming. Fred silently made his way toward me. He sat and placed his arm under my head. Instinctively I curled closer to him. My head on it's usual place, right above Fred's heart beat. Silence fell above us while we were basking in each other's warmth.
"I assume Lee told you." I mumbled, breaking silence.
"He did." Fred placed kiss to place kiss on my forehead. He didn't sound upset. I don't know why I thought he would. "That bastard deserved everything he got."
"Are you telling me that murdering someone is okay?"
"No. But that someone you killed was a psychopath and bastard. If you looked from brighter side you probably saved more lives by killing him." Fred raised my chin upwards. "You are not murderer." He said firmly.
I looked away from him. Form corner of my eye I noticed his frown. He placed small kisses all over my face. He did it every time he wanted attention. I tried to suppress my smile and not look at him. But it was impossible mission. I let my lips curl into smile before turning my head back to him.
"There's that smile." Fred grinned. It was short lived as he became utterly serious. "You are not a murderer." He repeated. "Say it."
"I am not a murderer." I said. I knew there was no point in arguing with him now.
"Don't worry that pretty head of yours about him anymore." Fred cupped my face, thumb stroking my cheek. "I assume your recent nightmares were about him too."
"Yeah."
"They'll pass. I'll be here for you. Every night, all night."
"Rowle said that he'll kill my mum as well." I confessed.
"He's not here anymore." Fred assured me.
"Yeah but, that doesn't mean someone may not try to hurt her."
"What's on your mind?"
"I want to sent her away." I said. As much as it would pain me I had to keep her safe.
"I think that would be a good idea." Fred agreed. "She'll be safer away from this bullshit. Do you have anywhere to send her?"
"I'll speak to my uncle. Italy is enough away from here."
"I'll come with you when you go to visit her." Fred pulled me up.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You need to relax for a bit. Tomorrow we'll talk about everything in details." He pulled me towards door. "And now we're going to run a bath with bubbles and I think we have some wine as well."
"You don't need to..."
"Ah, ah, ah I can't hear you." Fred waved his wand and water started running in bathroom. "The water is too loud."
"You're an idiot."
"Mhm, and this idiot is going to get you some comfy clothes and maybe join you in taking bath. If you agree with that, my princess."