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C A Z H V Y R E
THEY ALL LOOK AT ME AS IF I GREW TWO MORE HEADS. I can see it in their faces, the questions that are swimming in their minds right now. They tried to talk to each other by making eye contact, waiting for someone to break the ice.
"What are you talking about?" Finally, they pass the baton to none other than James Potter. Of course, he pretended not to know anything. I swear to Godric, they are the worse actors.
"Yeah, we do not have any map," Peter added. Sirius then sling his arm around Peter. "We do not have any map that covers the whole Hogwarts with the help of magic." They all look at Sirius with an 'Are you kidding me look'.
Remus grunted while he facepalms himself, "You guys are the worst." He then looks at me and asked, "How did you know about the map?" The other three tried to argue with Remus but their mouths just hanging open.
"I snuck out and saw the three of them arguing while a map is on their hands, specifically on Potter. They're clearly not discreet as I can hear their voices even though I am in a great distance and also saw them vanish with the help of a cloak." I explained nonchalantly. Remus glared at the three but they just avoid his gaze, not brave enough to feel the wrath of Remus.
Remus glare turns into a worried glance when he looks at me again, "Wait, was that the time of a full moon?" Oh, now that I think about it, it surely is. Okay, time to act Cazh.
"Yeah, I guess. Why?" I said with a pretend curious look.
"N-Nothing." Remus stuttered. I shrug my shoulders as a sign of ending the conversation and changing the subject.
"So, what should we bake?" Sirius entered perfectly as we put our attention on him.
"You mean, what should I bake?"
"Oh yeah. Wait, how can you know I can't bake?" Sirius asked. I look at him seriously, checking him from head to toe. "You don't look like you can. Might as well poison us." He then acts as if I just stab him as he put his hand on his chest.
"You wound me, Cazh!" I just roll my eyes and open the door of the kitchen.
"Lady Ravens! Dorey is happy to welcome Miss Ravens in the kitchen again! It is a pleasure for Dorey." Dorey, our own house-elf welcome me immediately as if sensing my arrival. I gave her a small warm smile.
"That is nice of you, Dorey. Thank you for welcoming us." She shakes her head, "No Lady Ravens, Dorey serves you, my lady. It is right to welcome my lady here anytime." The marauders look at each other, wondering what is my relation to the house-elf.
"You did not stay at home?" I ask. She immediately changes into a melancholic look. "The master order me not to bother him, Lady Ravens. He looks like a mess, my lady." My mood immediately changes into a cold one as I heard what she said.
So my uncle is home. Well, not home, just in the house. I'm already dreading the Christmas break.
I nod at her, "Thank you for the information, Dorey. Can you help me bake for the five of us?" I said while changing the subject which did not go unnoticed by the four.
Dorey happily heeds my request and immediately prepare the things that we will be needing. I face the four while putting on an apron.
"So, what's your relation with the house-elf?" Potter asked carefully not to offend me or the house-elves.
"Isn't obvious? It's their house elf. She did mention her house and why Dorey, the house-elf is not there." Sirius explained that made us all look at him. He raises an eyebrow. "What?!" He asked, wondering why we are looking at him suspiciously.
"Well, that's actually a smart observation from you which is rare." Remus pointed out. Of course, Sirius being him, dramatically scoff. "Well, excuse you! I can be smart too, you know." He said while crossing his arms together.
"Then you should've used it more often." Peter retorted surprisingly that made us all laugh except Sirius who looks like a fish without a pond.
"So, are you going to help me or just watch me do all the work?" I asked while raising an eyebrow. They exchange glances as they tried to avoid my gaze.
Remus scratch the back of his neck shyly, "I can try to help?" I immediately nod. It's much better and faster to do everything together.
"Well, as you said, I might poison you all so I'll just entertain you all while you bake," Sirius said.
"I'm no good with baking too." Peter shyly said and I nod at him appreciating his courage.
"What? Why does he get a good response to you and not me." I roll my eyes at Sirius words.
"Well, you just said you might poison us. I'll label you as an enemy in the kitchen." I said that made him speechless again.
Remus was the only one who truly helped me. Potter did help here and there but most of the time he and Sirius just annoy each other out or just ask questions about me. Peter just sat there quietly while looking at our work.
"Is it alright, Cazh? Did I mix it right?" Remus asked. I look at his work while still doing my own. "Yep. Just put it down there." We only need to mix some of it and then put it in the oven.
"Hey, Prongs. I was with Lily yesterday. She actually notices your presence—well, since you did not show up at all and pester her." Remus started which made us all look at him.
I glance at Potter and immediately saw how his face battle with different emotions. "I...I just think that maybe I'll spend more time with you guys. We only have two years before graduating from Hogwarts." He explains while giving us his goofy smile. I always wonder how he can show a smile like that. It looks...quite good.
"It also means two years of doing everything to get your Lily flower," Sirius said and wriggle his eyebrows.
Potter's brows furrowed at that statement that made me raise my eyebrow. What was that reaction? I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not gonna give up on Lily.
"I'm actually thinking that maybe I should take a break from her." Sirius dropped the glass that he is holding while we stare at him with surprised looks. Nobody even tries to answer that as we are all baffled.
What is this development? I never thought that Potter could say that. As if on cue, the chocolate mousse cake that we baked is ready to be served now.
"I'll get it," I said. I carefully place it on the plate and slice it according to my taste. It's not like they can argue with me, I'm mostly the one who baked this and I'm getting hungry now. Cakes are always the best, especially chocolate ones. Well, that is my personal taste.
"Well, does that mean you're gonna give up on Lily?" Remus asked carefully while preparing a set of small plates for each one of us.
"I don't really know. It's just...war is coming. If Lily and I are meant to be then we will end up together and if not, then so be it." He said with such resolution that I was almost convinced that he does not like Lily anymore, or maybe it's just that he is showing his matured side to us right now.
"Prongs," Sirius starts and pat Potter on the back. "I'm proud of you." We all smiled at that.
"Well, maybe this is a good strategy. Lily seems to notice your changes in behaviour. Maybe it can help her see this side of you, that you deserve to be treated better." I said. I almost slap my hand on my mouth when I said that thoughtlessly.
"I mean, Lily is really kind but if she can't really see past that arrogant facade of yours, then maybe you deserve someone else," I added.
"Aww, Ravens finally show us her caring side. I love you too, Cazh." Sirius said dramatically that made me look at him coldly—in a joking manner of course.
"I always care, dumbass."
"Why are you always so cruel to me!" He whined while pretending to cry.
"Thanks, Cazh." I look back at Potter and saw him smiling truthfully. It was only a few words but I know that he meant a million words along with it to express his gratitude.
"I have your back, James," I said that made him widen his eyes.
"Did you just called him by his first name?" Remus asked, also confused and surprised.
I raise my eyebrow at him, "Yes. What's wrong with that? I also call all of you by your first name. Right, Rem?" He cleared his throat and said, "Of course. It's just a bit surprising."
"It's the first time you called me by my first name." Potter—James pointed out, still in a daze.
"I'm comfortable enough to call you James. Unless you want me to call you Jamesy?" I said that broke out a few laughs.
Sirius then butted in, "Hey, you call me too by my last name! No fair!" I smiled at that. "Well, it's my way of endearment to you. Don't worry I can call you Blacky from now on. It suits you 'cause you're like a dog." He glared at me jokingly.
"Well, excuse you, I would rather you call me Black than that."
After that, we start to taste the cake that I mostly and Remus baked.
"This is soooo delicious, Cazh!" Peter claimed. He really likes to talk when it comes to food.
"Thanks to teamwork."
"Oh shush, you did everything. We just helped a little." Remus said and the others agree.
"Oh, I can eat this all day," Sirius said while munching it slowly. "You can be our personal chef now, Cazh. This is the best cake that I have ever tasted." James said while giving me a proud look. He looks at me like a father proud of her daughter's achievement or was it just me?
"Your brother is lucky to have someone bake him something every day," Peter said that suddenly broke the lively atmosphere around us. His eyes widen like saucers when he realized what he just said.
"I'm sorry, I did not mean it that way."
He looks like he's about to faint. Do I really look that mad and cold when the subject of my brother arise in our conversations?
"No worries, Peter. About what you said, I did bake him food every day before when we were still young but I stopped doing that when things got rough between us." I explained while looking at my half-eaten cake.
I'm pretty sure they're dying to know what happened between my brother and I. They're just that polite and respectful not to ask because they know that we are not in a good relationship right now.
I sigh and prepare myself for what I am about to tell them.
"You know," I started which made them focus my attention on what I am about to say. "My brother and I were really close before. We were cheerful kids and always love to show affection to our parents. But one day, something happened that changed the both of us." They look at each other as they noticed my pause.
"You don't have to tell us if you're uncomfortable with it. We understand." Remus said as the others nod along with him.
I almost teared up at that but somehow there's still a voice saying not to let all my guard down. I guess I'm not completely out of my shell yet.
"I was two years old that time and my brother was five. My parents always tell me that I was a smart kid—even a genius perhaps. I grow up fast, or rather, my mentality matures quickly so my memory is also very clear and admirable. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. After that, we grew apart but I still stay beside my brother because no one can ever understand us better than ourselves. It just happened that my brother chose a different path and to do that, he must leave me behind." All of them look teary-eyed now. Was that too much?
"You can let your emotions out Cazh," Remus said which confuse me.
"We know it's hard for you to be so open. You can trust us, Cazh. You're part of this family now." James said with so much conviction, affection and more warm emotions that I felt something in me warm up too.
Something spark and I found my eyes brimming with tears. I did not cry loudly. I just let the tears fall and let them hug me.
A family? So this is what it felt like. I almost forgot about this feeling. Yes, I hold those memories of my past but I can never recreate it—until now.
I cried and cried that I can already tell that James' shirt is a mess right now. He was the first one to put his arm around me and let me lean on him. I did not push him away or feel disgusted with the gesture. Instead, I felt vulnerable and so free with letting it all out.
"I'm so mad at him. Why does he have to leave me? Why can't he trust me? We're stronger together. We should always have each other's back. Why did he leave me alone? I hate him." My last words suddenly felt bitter in my mouth. "No, rather, I hate myself because I can't be mad with him. I know that he has his own reasons. It's just...I'm his sister. We're family. So why?" I can't even continue anymore as I only bury my face on James' chest.
I can't handle all the emotions that break through my walls. I felt James pat my back softly while Sirius fiddled with my hands, Remus draw circles on my thigh and Peter look at me with so much affection as a friend.
I...I don't want this to end.
I don't want this to disappear.
Please, let me be with them for as long as I can. Please let me have a family that I have been desiring since that incident.
S I R I U S
Things escalate quickly and that left me kneeling in front of Cazh while comforting her. It felt so surreal to see her cry. The notorious Rogue Ravens is crying right now. No—I should not call her with that name from now on.
She's Cazhvyre Ravens and just like me, she just needs someone to depend on, someone who can understand her behind her cold front.
I never knew how she felt so familiar to me. Somehow, I can see my little brother as her right now. Did he also felt this way when I left our house? Did I ever tell him my reasons or explain them in a way that he can understand me? Did I left him and made him feel so alone?
I felt the guilt creep in like vines in my heart.
Cazh was still crying when I look up at my friends. Remus looks happy that Cazh finally let us in even just a little and is proud that she was able to break her walls even just a little. Peter looked at her with the affection of a friend and with clear understanding eyes. Then, I saw how James look at her.
I suddenly had a thought.
Were James feelings for Lily slowly fading because he's feeling something for Cazh now?
I...I felt happy yet hesitant.
I mean, Prongs is a good guy, one of the most awesome people I know. He's kind, respectful, truly shower his attention and love to his loved ones. But I also know that his feelings for Lily, for how many years now, can't just fade away that quickly. I worry that he might be confused right now and in the end, what if Cazh pay for that confusion?
I don't want her to be hurt anymore than this. She's too precious. She's everything that I can never imagine. She's not someone who you can just play with. She needs to be understood, shower with care and affection, she deserves to be happy, to not be abandoned again, to be finally free for everything that held her down.
She's just misunderstood, a kid who needs someone to support her and trust her no matter what, not think of her based on the rumours but only on the truth alone.
I wanted to be one of her pillars of support. I want to protect her. I want her to feel that she belongs.
I don't know if they will be each other's end game but I hope that whatever happens now will turn out for the better in the future.
She finally let go of James' chest and composed herself. She's now her usual self but I can feel the raw warmth radiating from her like some of her loads were lifted from her shoulders.
"That's enough drama for today." She said with a small laugh. I'm taking that as a good sign.
James then fixes her hair and pat it gently after. He has a warm smile plastered on his face. "You good now?" Cazh look at him with pure truthfulness. "Better." We all smile at that.
"Lady Ravens! Do not worry anymore, Dorey will be cleaning the mess. You and your friends can go now." Dorey, their house-elf said. Cazh crouch down on her level and hug her that Dorey accepts immediately.
"Thank you for your help, Dorey. Please, let me know if...something will happen at the house while I'm still at Hogwarts. I'll visit you from time to time here in the kitchen." She said with full seriousness at the last part. Dorey nod her head and said, "I will let my lady know. Take care of yourself, my lady." Cazh smile at her and nod her head.
"So where to now?" Remus asked.
"How about the Black Lake? We can just hang out there or if you want, let's dip our feet in it." James suggested, clearly knows how to calm Cazh down. Her mouth twitches upward.
I smirked and supported his suggestion, "Well I could use some fresh air. Let's go!" I said while leading them. They all laugh and I finally saw her smile and laugh at the same time.
She's more beautiful when smiling.
I'm happy she's with us now. I can never ask for more.
But...why do I feel this way?
Somehow I felt a little bit of pang in my chest. Why am I feeling this? I just hope that this came from that emotional scene. I don't want to complicate things.
C A Z H V Y R E
I felt free.
I feel alive more than ever.
We were joking and laughing while walking towards the Black Lake. What happened a while ago was never mentioned again like there is a silent agreement not to talk about it unless if it came from me.
How can I be so lucky to meet them and get to know them better?
I just hope this will last long. No—I'll do everything to make everything worth it. I'll do my utmost best to protect them, my new family. I watch them talk, annoy and joke with each other. It felt like I am watching a movie, rather, I feel like I am in the movie. I notice them glancing at me, giving me supportive smiles and engaging me in the conversation.
I felt like I belong as I fit in right with their group.
"Ravens," We're about to reach the Black Lake when Green suddenly appear in front of us. What does he want now? I just came from my emotional breakdown—my first one ever since my brother's disappearance—so I still feel a bit sensitive over everything in my surroundings right now.
"Can we talk?"
He has that kind of look, the look of urgency and seriousness. The marauders look at me, asking what they should do.
I nod at them, saying that I can handle this.
"Take care of Cazh for us Green. If something happens to her, you'll be the first one that we're gonna look for." Sirius said with a smirk but you can hear from his tone how serious that proclamation is.
Threvore looks at him seriously while nodding his head, "I just want to talk."
I sigh quietly and said, "Let's go somewhere quiet."
I guess it's already time to have that talk. It's time for some confrontation and confession.
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