This is the hardest chapter I have written for these two. It was leading to this point and I needed it to lead to here. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Please don't shoot me by the end of this chapter. Emma
Chapter Eleven: I hurt You But I Am Trying To Protect You.
Hayley lay sleeping next to him. Lucas smiled. He knew the alarm would be going off soon which meant that Monday was coming and Lucas would have to leave her. Three weeks had passed since the time in which Hayley had seen Lucas at his weakest and although neither would speak of it. The cold November chill was in the air. Half term had flown past for Hayley, well teachers call it half term it does not stop them from having to work during it. Her parents had not made it down for the week which was probably a good thing as Lucas had been busy working.
'Morning' she yawned sleepily as her alarm finished going off.
'Morning' Lucas kissed her nose.
'I suppose I have to get myself decent for work'
'Fraid so' Lucas smiled.
'Care to join me in the shower Lucas?' she smiled shyly.
'I think I can be persuaded'
Hayley took his hand, 'Come on then'
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Lucas dropped Hayley at the school and then made his way to the Grid. He sat at his desk like any Monday morning with a coffee in his hand. He sipped it slowly and looked to his computer screen. He was not aware when someone stood at his desk. He looked up.
Beth stood before him. 'Lucas I have had a tip off from one of my assets at the bank. It would seem that some money has been transferred into Ryan's bank account. Lucas look where the money came from' Beth looked at him, 'Lucas you okay?'
'Fine. Where did it come from?'
'It came from Russia. From an off-shore bank account which is connected to the FSB'
'So maybe Mr Cooper did not escape as well as we all think he did'
Beth nodded, 'It is a possibility but it doesn't explain why he is here'
Lucas thought about it, 'For me'
'You?' Beth looked at his quizzically.
'Ryan and I were cellmates as you know. What if this has something to do with me?'
'It's possible but maybe we should not get ahead of ourselves'
'I think I am at the right conclusion which means he is going to hurt the people I love'
'Hayley'
'Hayley' Lucas agreed.
'We will not let that happen Lucas' Beth said.
'Not we, I will not let that happen'
Beth looked at Lucas she was unsure what he meant by the last statement that he had just made. 'As I said let's not get ahead of ourselves Lucas'
'I am going out for the afternoon. If I am needed I am on the mobile'
Beth nodded as she watched him leave the Grid.
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Lucas got into his car and drove, he needed time to think. If he was right and he was sure that he was then he needed to protect Hayley. He would not allow her to be hurt because of his involvement to this man. He made a promise to himself when he first started seeing her that he would not let her get hurt because of the job he does. Wasn't that what had happened to him and Elizabeta? Wasn't this job the reason he and her had split up? He had lied to her and therefore was never allowed to be who he was in front of her.
If there was a possibility that Hayley could be in trouble because of him then he needed to protect her. But how? How could he possible keep her safe if Ryan thought that she was the person that Lucas loved? If Ryan knew that Hayley was a weakness of his which he was sure that he did considering he had been talking to Andy about Hayley and her golden boy Lucas. Had Ryan made the connection? Had he been following them? Lucas did not have the answers. He wished he did at the moment. If he did then maybe his decision would be one a simpler one than the one that had just come to his mind.
He had to make the world believe especially Hayley that he did not love her. This was not all he could come with. To protect her. He needed her to hate him. The thought of this made Lucas want to scream.
He was not willing to let her go. He loved her. How could he let her go? How could he harm her? To protect her he told himself. This is what he needed to do. She would thank him in the long run.
The sun was setting over the Thames; he needed to do it tonight while he still had the courage to do so. He got in his car and drove to Hayley's flat.
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Hayley was in her flat. Lucas should be home soon. Not home, he would be staying here tonight. She picked up her marking and looked through the essays from her Year 11's on Love poetry; she had introduced them to the poetry of William Blake after half term:
Never Seek to Tell thy Love
Never seek to tell thy love
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind does move
Silently, invisibly.
I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears--
Ah, she doth depart.
Soon as she was gone from me
A traveller came by
Silently, invisibly--
O, was no deny.
It had been one of her favourite William Blake poems since she first read it in her English Literature class in her year 9 class. Although when she first read it she did not know what it meant. She could feel the longing that Blake was trying to convey. It seemed her passion when she spoke of the poem because her Year 11's seemed to have grasped the concept and the essay's that they had handed to her were some of the best essay's that she had been honoured to read as a teacher.
Lucas let himself into the flat with the spare key. He had spent the last few minutes talking himself to the things he was about to do. He slammed the door as he walked in.
Hayley jumped in the air. He had closed the door so forcefully. He must have had a very bad day at work.
'Lucas?' she looked at him quizzically. She saw no love in his eyes that usually greeted her when he would come home, 'Everything okay?'
'Oh Yes I am peachy' Lucas said through gritted teeth.
'Okay, I think you need to come and sit down. Relax'
'I don't want to relax. I actually don't want to be here' Lucas snapped.
Hayley looked at him, 'Where is the Lucas I know tonight? It's like I don't know you tonight'
'Like I don't know you would sell me out if you have a chance'
'Where is this coming from Lucas?'
'I told you I don't believe in coincidences maybe you are in with Andy'
'You don't mean this. You are tired'
'Stop telling me how I feel' Lucas voice rose, 'I know you and Andy are in it together. I know you have been using me. I bet you and him have a right laugh at my expense'
She slapped him across the face 'How Fucking dare you! Maybe you should start believing in me instead of the great Harry Pearce and you might realise that I love you'
'Well I don't love you' Lucas shouted slamming the door.
Hayley sunk to the floor as she heard the door slam. He could not mean what he just meant. He had told her that he loved her. All the time. Had he been lying to her all this time? She felt the tears fall from her face as realisation set in. Lucas had just made it clear that he did not want her.
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Lucas got to his car, and he cried. The look on her face when he said those things to her would forever be etched on his memory. He had done the right thing he told himself as he drove back to his house. You are trying to protect her. If this means you have to keep your distance and stop her from loving you then this is what you need to do.
Lucas opened his door up and flung his keys on the table. If he believed this then why did he feel so God damn awful at the moment? He went to his kitchen and got out the vodka that he had been saving for a rainy day. Well if losing the person that you love because of a need to keep her safe did not quantify as a rainy day Lucas was not sure what did.
He did not even bother with a glass, he swigged from the bottle. It did not help the way he was feeling at the moment but if he managed to dull the empty he was now feeling in the depths of his stomach then he did not care.
He started to get angry at himself, at Ryan why did he have to come back into his life although he had not made a direct play for him yet. Lucas knew it was only a matter of time. If he had the backing of the FSB then Lucas was a sitting duck. He then got angry at the bottle of empty vodka which had now been consumed. He flung it across the kitchen causing it to smash against the wall. He screamed. Why could he not have something in his life where it was simple and this job did not have to consume it? Again for the second time today he did not have the answers. He rubbed his face. And allowed himself to cry he knew once he began he was unlikely to stop.
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Things ran through Hayley's mind how could the last few hours have happened. This morning Hayley would have called them happy and in love. Was that all a lie to him? They had made love in the shower. He had shown her that he loved her. So what the hell had happened tonight for him to make such a declaration that he did not. How could someone she thought she knew do such a one hundred and eighty degree switch in his personality? Unless he was fed up with her. Fed up with living a lie. 'No Hayley he loved you, you know that' she said. She sighed and wiped her eyes. She needed to get to sleep she had work tomorrow she could not pull a sickie although the thought of seeing Dimitri would be one that she was not looking forward to. She had to carry on until she hoped Lucas came to his senses.
Hayley looked to her mobile before she went to bed. She was expecting a message a phone call something from him saying he did not mean it. That he loved her. He was just wound up. He would never say those awful things that he did to her. That he loved her so much. But it was not there. Nothing. She still however refused to think that he meant. Maybe he needed tonight? Maybe he would call tomorrow.
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Lucas looked at his phone, he almost called her. He almost was going to tell her he had made a mistake explain why he was doing what he was doing. But the coward in him would not let him. She was better out of this whole mess. She was better away from him. She would also be protected by MI5 with Dimitri in her classroom. He would make sure that she was safe. It was the only thing that mattered now. Hayley's safety and catching Ryan Cooper.