Olivia's POV
"You know, I've been thinking."
Zach and I are currently strolling through the park which is to be seen from his rooftop terrace. The park which caught my eye right from the moment I first looked down at it.
After yesterday's evening and night, we had a long lie-in and enjoyed this morning to the fullest before we treated ourselves with an extensive breakfast. Once we've finished cleaning up the mess from yesterday and cuddled a bit on the sofa, I talked Zach into taking a walk through that park.
And here we are now, dressed up warmly, strolling through the green areas and enjoying the warmth of each other's hands.
I tilt my head and give Zach a questioning look. "About what?"
"About changing jobs," Zach retorts with a smirk.
"So, you consider working as a cook?" I ask in surprise, and when he nods, I add, "That's amazing, Zach!"
"I wasn't finished yet," Zach playfully reprimands me. "I have one condition for that!"
"You have a condition for changing your own job?" I ask giggling at his statement.
"I will look for a job as a cook if you start drawing again!"
Stopping dead in my tracks, I shoot him a look of disbelief, and frown.
"That's not fair!" I mumble, pulling back my hand and continue walking.
"Oh, come on, Livie!" Zach takes two giant steps to catch up with me again. "I know you love to draw, and you have such a great talent."
He grabs my wrists and stops me from walking away from him. Snatching my hands away, I cross my arms and glare at him.
"Why does everyone want to talk me into something I've said like a hundred times that I don't want to do it anymore?" I snap. "Can't you all just leave me alone?"
"Liv, nobody wants to hurt you," Zach reasons and takes a step towards me, but I shake my head and back away.
"Don't!" I whisper and a single tear escapes the corner of my eye. "You do hurt me with that, Zach! You're hurting me by ignoring the fact that I told you I don't want to draw anymore!"
Tearing down his navy-blue beanie from his head, Zach runs his fingers through his hair before facing me with a sad expression.
"Liv, I never meant to make you cry. I'm sorry!" he says. "It's just I've seen you drawing, and you have no idea how peaceful and perfect that sight was. You were in your own world and it looked like nothing could harm you there. The way you were eying your own work before making some more lines or dots or whatever, was fascinating. I could watch you doing that for hours. And after you finished your piece of art, you looked utterly pleased with yourself, even if you said you weren't entirely happy with it. I could clearly see how fulfilled you were."
I listen to his words and look into his hazel eyes, which almost plead me to grasp the meaning behind his speech. To be honest, I exactly get what he means. Somehow, he frighteningly precisely managed to describe how I feel when I draw. Fulfilled and peaceful. At least that's how I felt before the whole shit happened.
"I didn't know you watched me while I was drawing," I state in a thin voice as a few more tears are flowing down my cheeks.
Zach lifts his hands and shoots me a questioning glance asking for my permission to touch me again. As a respond, I simply snuggle my face in his huge and warm hands and close my eyes. With his thumbs, he wipes away my tears and I feel his body closing in.
"Well, you thought I was taking a nap, and I actually did, but when I woke up, you were still drawing and I couldn't take my eyes off you, so I pretended to be asleep while, in reality, I secretly kept watching you," Zach answers softly, causing me to giggle and open my eyes again.
"You are an idiot!" I state, sniffing quietly.
"An idiot?" Zach laughs and raises his eyebrows.
"Yea, an idiot! I hate it when people watch me drawing," I fire back and can't help but laugh along.
After a moment of silently smirking at each other, Zach's expression becomes more serious again.
"What is it that keeps you from drawing, Liv?" he asks. "It's because of your father, right?"
Biting on the inside of my lip, I nod and look down.
"He was the one who first encouraged me to make something out of my drawing skills," I admit barely audible. "It was after his rehab when he gave me money to participate in a proper drawing course. I loved it and that was the time I started soaking in everything I could about painting. Every drawing technique, everything about the influence of different colors on us humans, I wanted to know it all. After the accident, I tried drawing again, but every time I took a pencil or a brush in my hand, I felt like I was doing this for my father. Whenever I made a new attempt of creating any kind of art, the face of my father popped up in my head, and so, I eventually stopped drawing for good."
When I look up, Zach's warm gaze rest on me and I can see empathy and understanding in his eyes.
"Until the day Jack fired me, I haven't drawn a single time. I simply banned all the sorrowful thoughts and memories from my past out of my head and avoided everything what could bring back any of my old, painful feelings."
"Liv...," Zach pauses and thinks for a second. "Don't you think drawing could help you to process your past? You know, suppressing your feelings is never a good thing. Take that from somebody who did this his whole life at expert-level. The first time I showed how I really felt, was with you, Liv. And suddenly it was somehow easy for me to let out my emotions. I used to be this unapproachable, careless, and reckless guy who didn't give a fuck about ridiculous things like feelings, love, or sympathy. Sometimes when I was totally wasted and all by myself, I was thinking about my mum and those were the only times I got really sad, but I always pushed that kind of emotions away. Until you. With you I just couldn't ignore or bottle up the feelings I developed anymore and it's fucking liberating."
I stand still, watching Zach, and intently listen to his words. The way he's talking about his feelings towards me makes my heart leap and knowing that meeting me has made him face his emotions feels good. It shows how much he cares for me which gives me a nice feeling of security.
"I don't know if I can do that, Zach," I breathe after a minute. A shudder creeps through my body and of course, Zach notices.
"Just think about it, Liv," he states and puts his beanie back on before grabbing my hand. "Now, let's head back! You're freezing."
The rest of the day, Zach doesn't bring up that topic again, and I'm damn glad about it. My mind is filled with it anyways and I can't concentrate on anything else. What if Zach is right? The idea of processing my past and my mental injuries through art won't leave my head. I guess, I could at least give it a try. We'll see.
***
Zach's POV
I'm scared as fuck right now. Scared that Liv will run away fuming mad once she sees what I've set up for her in my living room. I know it's a bit risky and maybe even slightly intrusive, but I can't help feeling the need to pull her out of that state of denial and repression she's in at the moment.
After our walk yesterday, I thought of a way to help her opening up the old barrel of pent-up feelings and emotions and let them flow. It took her more than two months and the resurfacing of that piece of shit of her father to even tell me about what happened. I know she's so damn scared of letting those emotions get to her, and I can't blame her for that. The giant tidal wave of feelings she suppressed the past years which is waiting to crash down on her must scare the shit out of her.
So, after breakfast today, I told her I needed to go the mall to buy some things and she should simply relax a little until I return. Thankfully, she didn't ask about it and immediately agreed on staying here. Once I bought everything I needed and carried all the things upstairs, I gave her a call and told her to wait in my bedroom until I call for her to get out again.
"Zach, what the hell are you doing in there?" Liv's impatient and slightly irritated voice tears me out of my thoughts, and I quickly take a last look at what I've prepared.
"Okay, you can come in now!" I call out to her and the next moment my bedroom door opens, and Olivia appears.
Her grey-blue eyes widen, and she crosses her arms.
"Zach, what the fuck?" She turns towards me with a deep frown on her face.
"Don't hate me, Liv," I say with an insecure and nervous smile and step a little closer to the easel I placed in the middle of my living room.
"Come here!" I hold out my hand for her and sigh with relief when she comes up to me.
After shooting me a skeptic look, Liv steps onto the white sheet I put on the floor to protect it from color stains. She lets her fingers glide over the light wood of the easel and takes her time to eye all the different paints, brushes, pencils, crayons, and charcoals. I must admit, all this stuff has cost me a small fortune, but if it helps, I'm happy to spend that money on my girl. If not, well, then I'll have to think of something else what to do with those painting utensils.
"Zach, have you lost your mind?" Liv finally asks and faces me again. I'm relieved to spot a little smirk on her lips. "How much did you pay for all that stuff?"
"That's beside the point!" I shrug it off and smile.
Liv shakes her head and takes one of the brushes into her hand. She lets the soft brush bristles graze over the palm of her other hand before sliding her fingertips over the rough surface of the canvas.
"And now?" she whispers without turning around.
Stepping beside her and placing one hand on her upper back, I smile down at her. "Do you trust me, Liv?"
She nods with her eyes warily fixed on me. It almost seems like she's clinging on my eyes for dear life.
"Alright," I say with a shaky voice. Damn, I think I'm as churned up inside as she is and I'm fucking nervous and scared of her reaction. "I'm going to ask you some things now and I want you to paint or draw whatever comes to your mind. Do you think you could do that?"
Liv's eyes flutter and she thinks for a moment before nodding again.
"I'll try." She looks down at herself and then back to me again. "But I won't ruin my favorite jogging suit and I don't have any old clothes with me."
Without even thinking, I pull my own white t-shirt over my head and hand it to her.
"Take this. I have plenty of them."
After eying the piece of cloth in her hand for a moment, she quickly takes off her clothes and slips into my t-shirt. Damn, that sight won't ever get old for me. My t-shirt reaches halfway down her thighs and lets her legs look so fucking sexy. Gosh, I really need to get my shit together. After all, I'm trying to make some kind of therapy with my girl right now.
"Ready?" I ask and give her a warm smile.
"No," Liv mutters and looks down to her feet which are covered in white, fuzzy socks. "I think I need some music. Something aggressive ore angry."
I give her a surprised look, but quickly connect my phone with my speakers via Bluetooth.
"Metallica?" I ask since that's what I always listen to when I need to reduce anger, stress, or pain.
"Sure." Liv shrugs and takes a deep breath.
I start a random Metallica playlist and immediately 'Sad But True' thunders out of the speakers.
"Alright." I walk behind her and cross my arms. Fuck, I am not so sure anymore if that's a good idea. The way she's standing in front of that canvas, she looks like a lost, little child.
"Tell me if it gets too much, okay?" Again, she nods, so I start asking my first question. "What is the first feeling you get when you think of your father?"
"Going right down to the real shit, huh?" Liv remarks sourly without turning around and sighs deeply. "I feel anger. So much anger. But there's also pain and disappointment. And I feel defenseless. Naked and defenseless."
She needs a few minutes to utter all those words and her voice comes out so fragile and quiet, I can barely hear her over the loud music.
"That's good. Which color or colors come to your mind when you think of all those emotions?" I ask further. Since she mentioned the impact of colors on us humans yesterday, I made a little research. It's actually quite interesting what emotions different colors apparently can stir in us and what they mean. Well, that's if you believe in that. I'm not persuaded, but I know Livie does believe in it, so I thought this could be a good idea.
"Black," Liv growls. "Black and red."
I try to think of the meanings of these colors. If I remember right, black symbolizes death, evil, and power alongside some other things which I can't recall right now, and red stands for danger, and willpower. At least that's what I think I've read.
"Very good. If you close your eyes now and think of him, what picture pops up?"
For a few minutes Liv remains silent. I notice her breathing becomes heavier since her shoulders raise and lower at a higher pace.
"I see that damn neon green car of him and the crazed look on his face a second before he hit me," she croaks out and I can hear she's on the verge of crying. As much as I'd love to take her in my arms right now, I think she needs to let it all out beforehand.
'The Memory Remains' comes up and immediately Liv's head starts teetering with the beat.
"Are you okay?" I ask carefully as her movements get more aggressive with every second.
"No!" Liv cries out. "I'm fucking not okay!"
Before I can react, she starts sobbing loudly but also grabs one of the black charcoals. I watch her little hands vigorously rubbing it against the canvas until it's black almost all over. When she reaches for the mixing palette, her fingers are trembling just like the rest of her body. She squeezes different colors on it before grabbing a brush.
"I'm not doing this for you, you asshole!" she suddenly exclaims with a strained voice and I know this is not directed at me. She's talking to her father. "This isn't for you, this is for me, and you won't stand in my way anymore!"
For the next thirty minutes, Liv lets her feelings run wild and forcefully swipes the different brushes over the canvas. Her sobbing becomes more and more unbridled, and I can clearly see how her strength fades away and leaves her body.
The moment her knees buckle, and the mixing palette falls to the floor, I dash over to her and catch her before she sinks down to the ground.
"Please, I can't take it, Zach!" She sobs loudly and holds on to my arm for dear life. "It hurts, it hurts so badly! Can't it just stop?"
I soothingly caress her back and hold her tight. "I know, baby. I know it hurts, but it's okay. You're allowed to feel pain and anger and whatever emotion comes up."
"He took so much from me. He robbed me from ever becoming a mom. He ran over his own daughter. Why? I must've been a horrible daughter. Maybe if I hadn't been such a disobedient child, he wouldn't have started drinking and none of this would have happened."
"Hey, look at me, Liv!" I cup her face in my hands and force her to look at me. "It's not your fault that your father started drinking. He is an addict, he's sick. And you are not the reason for that, do you hear me?"
Liv's bloodshot eyes flutter but she nods.
"I hate him, Zach!" she whispers shakily. "I hate my own father! Oh my god..."
A faint cry leaves her lips, and she presses her with paint covered hand over her quivering mouth. Seeing her in that state of pain and despair nearly breaks my own heart.
"He did horrible things to you. It's okay that you hate him. I hate my own father as well even though I never met him. I hate him for leaving my mom and me alone when I was a baby," I reason, and gently stroke over her disheveled hair. "Everything you feel towards him is okay and understandable!"
Liv sniffs, huddling up on my lap, and I tightly wrap my arms around her trembling body. Her sobbing starts ebbing away and it seems like she slowly begins to come out of her trance of shock, misery, and torment.
For a whole while, Liv keeps quiet, and I don't say anything either. Reaching for my phone, I turn off the roaring music. I think she needs the silence right now to process what just happened. To be honest, I hoped for a reaction like that. I hoped she would break down and let her emotions hit her because I think that's what she needs to finally come to terms with what happened with her father. As much as it hurts to see her like this, I'm relieved she let free all that pent up energy and pain.
"How do you feel now?" I softly ask after some time.
Liv sits up and faces me. Her cheeks are reddened and her eyes swollen, but a tiny smile adorns her lips.
"A bit dizzy, but better, I guess," she admits quietly. "Thank you, Zach!"
"Don't thank me, honey!" I retort and graze my knuckles over her rosy cheek. "I'd do anything to make you feel better and to help you."
Liv gives me a soft peck before standing up and eying the piece of art she just created. Getting to my feet as well, I wrap my arms around her from behind and take a closer look at her painting as well.
"Holy shit, Liv!" I gasp and let my eyes roam over her finished work.
"What do you think?" she asks with doubt clearly present in her voice and tilts her head so she can look at me.
"Liv, that's incredible!" I state without taking my eyes from her painting.
After using the black charcoals for the background, Liv has painted the rest with acrylic colors. It surprises me how well it fits together. With dark green, brown, and red she drew a single tree under which she painted a neon green crashed sports car. What catches me the most is the deep black shadow creeping out of the shattered windshield of the car and the tiny white figure soaring up into the starry night sky. All in all, the painting is somber and creates quite a depressive mood, but it's an amazing piece of art.
"I picture the accident in my memory like this," Liv explains with a thin voice. "At least that's how I feel when I think about it."
"That black shadow is your father, right?"
"Mmh," Liv hums with a nod.
"What's that white little figure?" I ask further, pointing at the painting.
"That's what he took from me." I feel her tensing in my arms and tighten my grip around her.
"You mean that's the fading possibility of you becoming a mother?"
"Yea," Liv croaks out and turns around, looking at me through tears. "I can't ever give you children, Zach. And I'm afraid that one day you'll want one and then you will leave me as well."
"Fuck, Liv!" I desperately look into her broken, tear-streaked face and clench my teeth. This is harder than I thought. "Why would you say that? You know I love you, don't you?"
Shrugging her slouchy shoulders, Liv bites her bottom lip to control her sobbing. With little success. Her entire body gets shaken up by her sobs and the attempt of holding them back only makes it worse.
"Olivia!" I raise my voice and blink away my own tears. Why the fuck am I crying now? I am supposed to be the strong one right now. "I love you. So much, it tears my heart in two seeing you like that. I know you are hurt, but don't you dare saying I'd leave you just because you can't give me children! I don't give a damn about kids. All I want... No, all I need in my life is you, Liv!"
"You say that now," Liv breathes and swallows hard. "But love is not always enough for a relationship, Zach. One day you might want to become a daddy, and then you'll be unhappy and will end up hating me because I can't fulfill your wish!"
Fuck, what is this woman talking about?
"Liv, I want you to look at me now and listen closely!" I place my hands on her shoulders and dig my eyes into hers. "I could never ever hate you! And you know there are other ways of becoming parents. If we ever want to start a family, we can adopt a child. There are so many children out there without a mom and a dad. Wouldn't it be beautiful to give one of those lost souls a home and a loving family?"
"Yes, sure," Liv sighs. Her sobbing slowly dies down again, and she looks at me in total exhaustion. "But will that be enough for you? I mean, it's not the same as having your own children."
"Yes, Liv. Because as long as I have you by my side, everything else is secondary. Besides, I'm sure when you adopt a child you love it like your own. Do you believe me when I say you're everything to me?"
Liv eyes me for a few minutes, takes in every inch of my face and I can almost hear her confused thoughts before she lifts her hand and places it on my cheek.
"I do," she whispers, and a faint smile finds its way to her perfect lips. "I love you, Zach!"
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and welcome the warm touch of her hand before I look at her again.
"I love you more!" I retort with a smirk and lean down to give her a gentle kiss.
Liv giggles softly and yawns.
"Come on. Let's snuggle up in bed and watch a movie. I'll order us some pizza. How does that sound?" I ask and tuck a strand of Liv's caramel brown hair behind her ear.
"Sounds perfect," Liv says with a weak smile.
I know this is probably just the beginning of Livie's healing process, but at least she freed her pent-up emotions and overcame her fear of feeling all that pain and disappointment again. And I'm standing by her side, no matter what.
*****
Phew, that was a heavy chapter. I really enjoyed writing it, but it was also hard pushing them two through so many pain. What do you think about Zach's plan? Do you think it was a good idea to more or less force her into drawing again?
What do you think about the length of this chapter? It has nearly 4000 words. Do you think it's too long?😅
Like always, please comment and vote.🦋
Katie🤍