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when i wake up the side of my bed is cold and empty.
where's bambi?
i grab my phone off the side and see a message from billie.
bambi
hi baby, sorry i had to leave so early
i have an unplanned meeting this
morning and i didn't want to wake
you, you look so pretty when you
sleep
you left your phone on the side all night
so it was dead when i got it, i put it on
charge for you
text me when you wake up, i miss you
already
oh and i love you so much
the bed is lonely without you :(
good morning princess
did you sleep well?
yes
i missed sleeping with you
me too
i wish i didn't have to leave
i'm in meetings most of the
day and i just wanna be with
you
be patient my love
we'll be back together soon
can you come to the hotel
tonight?
i'm on my period
i know baby
i just wanna cuddle
i'll see
i have to go and see lisa
today to potentially see the options
for the new book cover
and look at some shit i have
i thought you were waiting
until after the album to release
the book?
oh i forgot to tell you
it's gonna be released
in the next couple of months
before the album is released
oh
did they tell you this yesterday?
yes
i have a lot of poems
it's just figuring out which ones
i want to include
because some are really personal
can i have a look at some of
your poems sometime?
of course baby
some of those are really dark
but i trust you
i gotta go
i love you
i love you more
luckily the video i filmed last night saved after my phone died but i have a few hours of literally pitch black once we all went to sleep.
i scroll to the part just after we went to bed and hear the loud fake moaning of billie and it makes me laugh.
i reluctantly get out of bed to do my business in the bathroom, knowing i should probably eat but staying in bed sounds better.
lisa calls me and let's me know i can go to her office anytime, there's no rush today.
i know we have a lot of work to go through so i decide going now is the best thing to do, especially because i don't have billie to keep me company right now.
i get dressed, deciding to make myself a coffee to wake myself up.
it's a little chilly so i decide on some jeans and a chunk knit sweater, matching them with all black old skool vans i haven't worn in ages.
Cara seems to still be asleep so i send her a text, letting her know i'm going out while i wait for my uber.
i snap a photo of my vans sending it to billie.
bambi
these still give off lil dick energy?
*insert image of black vans*
she doesn't really, obviously because she's in a meeting and i lock my phone, throwing it into my bag.
because my identity has been revealed, i'm being watched like a hawk and there seems to be paparazzi everywhere.
there's some paps outside the offices and snap photos as i walk inside, probably getting my bad angles and double chin.
i greet the receptionist, trudy, who gives me a warm smile and walk towards lisa's office.
she's on the phone when i walk in, holding her finger up to indicate she needs a minute.
i plop down onto the chair, grabbing my notebook and flicking through some of the pages. this isn't my original notebook, it's just the one i brought on tour with me.
there's a couple i wrote about falling in love, imagining someone else watching billie and me share our secret moments together and seeing us falling.
i don't always write from my own personal experience, i try and write about things which can relate to everyone, and some things that can relate to multiple things and one thing all at once.
poetry can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be but i also think it depends on who you are as a person, what you've been through.
sometimes i read my poems which we're supposed to be about something, and re-reading them in a different mindset changes that.
i'd quite like to imagine someone else being the same. reading my poems at different times of the day, different stages in their life and experiencing a whole different emotion.
i'd like to hope my poems save people.
"okay, do you have any idea of the order?" lisa pulls me out of my thoughts as she's laying out sheets of paper over her desk.
"no, i don't even know if i want all of them in"
"that's why we're here, amber is coming down in an hour to help us if we need it and talk about the cover"
everything is moving so quickly and i wasn't expecting it to start now.
"okay, what are those?" I point to the various sheets on her desk and with a closer look I realise that they're my poems, the photos I'd taken of my old notebooks and sent to her.
"your poems, I haven't read any of them, just printed them out, do you have more there?" she eyes the notebook in my hands and I nod "okay, do you wanna go to the photocopier and scan them? that way your book is safe"
"I have no idea how to use it"
"I'll show you, come on"
I follow Lisa down the corridor and up a few stairs to the photocopier and we photocopy al of the pages even if they're doodles..just in case.
slowly I read through some of my old poetry and sometimes I can remember exactly when I wrote it, where I was and what it's about but sometimes I have no recollection of writing it at all.
some of these pieces are so painful to read, they're so raw and so me.
I have more than enough poetry to release the book and probably another two but I want to make sure I love what I'm releasing.
some of them are just too painful to put out into the world.
it doesn't help that I'm on my period and everything is making me so emotional. I wish I could hug myself six months ago and tell her I was going to be okay and tell her to stop hurting herself.
I'm in no way 'recovered' or 'better' but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
a blue eyed, blonde haired and beautiful shaped light.
theres some poems about my bambi I want to include at the end of the book, as well as a note at the beginning and the end, explaining myself and my life.
this book is gonna be raw, painful and it's myself going through so many emotions into one book.
"do you have a title idea?"
I shake my head "I want to get the order sorted, read through them once they're together and I'll decide"
we keep reading though them, discussing some, scrapping others and slowly make out way through the huge pile, making smaller piles.
I scribble ontop of the sheets where about I want the poems to be in the book, breaking it down into five sections; the beginning, the darkness, the hope, the happiness, the light.
some of them are worded so beautifully, so raw.
amber comes in and we talk about the book cover, I want it simple just like my first book, even though it's completely different.
I decide I want the same font, the same matte cover and the same style of pages. I decide I'm going to break up each section of the poetry with a blank page, a small drawing in the middle. theres a bunch of doodles to choose from, some random little flowers or bumble bee.
"take these home and have another look at the order, take your time with this"
I put the folder of paper into my bag and decide to catch the train home, wanting to walk alone for a moment with my thoughts.
I clutch my tote as I walk through the busy streets of New York and luckily I don't get spotted on the way back to the apartment, back to my safe place.
I make some food, choose a record to listen to and set my phone up, sitting on my bed and going through the poems.
none of the poems have titles, and some of them won't, but I write added comments onto the pages.
i eventually move from my bed to the floor, making a map almost of where i want them to be, giving me more surface to work on.
bambi
hi baby
i'm finally back at the
hotel
how are you?
i'm tired
i've got a lot to do
and i'm cramping really bad
i can't come over tonight
i'm sorry
billie doesn't reply and i feel sad but then the facetime icon pops up on my laptop and i grin.
"hi princess" i smile, glancing over to my phone to see it's still recording.
"hi my love, have you been crying?" i move my laptop onto the floor, careful not to move any papers scattered around me.
"yeah, i've been working on my book all day and some of the pieces are just hard to read, you know? i was in such a dark place in some of them" i wipe the stray tear falling down my cheek and smile sadly.
"why don't you leave them to tomorrow? I can come round and help you"
"yeah I think I'm gonna" I glance around at the papers and sigh "you've got a radio interview in the morning and then you've got that interview"
"which isn't until two, I can come around till then, okay?"
"okay" I place my laptop on the bed and grab my phone, sending the video to myself and putting it on charge.
"I wanted to talk to you about something" billie asks me, watching me get into bed.
"go ahead"
"how would you feel about drew joining us on tour in a couple of weeks for a few days? I know you haven't met her yet but I really wanna see her I know yall are gonna get along"
"of course! I'm not stopping you from seeing your friends"
"really? so you don't mind her coming?" I shake my head "I'd be a bad girlfriend if I did"
"I would understand angel, I know meeting new people is hard"
"she's your best friend, of course I wanna meet her"
"I have another thing to uh tell you I guess?"
"go on"
"I may or may not have bought an apartment in New York today and I was looking at places in London the other night with my brother"
"are you serious?"
"yeah, I've always wanted a place here anyways and of course you're here now, so we don't have to do long distances and shit when i'm off tour"
I pout at her and I'm wishing she was here right now, so I can hug her.
"London too?"
"yeah, I know you live like five hours away from London but I've always wanted a place there"
"I've never been to London" I admit with a shrug
"well we're gonna spend a lot of time there baby, just you wait"
I snuggle up into my bed, my laptop and phone on change and turn over to face billies who's also laid in bed, watching me.
"tell me about this meeting today"
"okay so-"
another short chapter, I'm not rushing anything...thinking of finishing this book at sixty chapters, lemme know what you think ;)
I GOT TICKETS TO SEE BILLIE BITCHES 🥳🥳