Nandini
The anxiety I had been trying to calm down from last 3 days came rushing back to me as soon as I woke up. It's my wedding today. My court marriage. My haldi and then my marriage. I'd have to bid bye to my family and start a new life with Manik. Why? Why should only the girls had to go through every torture to get anything in life? Get married— leave family. Get kids— suffer the pain. Get divorced— hear taunts from the society. Why always us? Why no one ever blames boys? Never lets them feel the pain, the suffering? Why only the girl had to suffer everything, only to hear 'karti hi kya ho tum.?' Why God, why? How can you be so cruel.?
"Bacha.. Nandu. Kya hua.?" I heard my mother shake me. Her face frowned. Scared. Confused. She sat down in front of me and wiped my tears away.
"Bacha. Kya hua?" She asked softly as I leaned in to her chest. She knows the answer, she knows how terrified I am of today.
It's my wedding, I should be happy and at some point I am. But what about this nagging feeling in chest? This feeling of something breaking inside my heart, crushing my soul? The parents who taught me how to learn, will walk me out today only for someone else to hold my hand and take away everything my parents had worked for, why? Parents who fed me food by their own hands, who took care of me on my bad days, pampered me... how will they? Will they be able to do this without breaking apart? Without their soul shattering?
"Kisne banaya aisa rule maa? Or kyu? Why, it had to be the girl always? Why only she has to leave her parents, her family behind to start a new life? Why not the boys? Why always us Mumma.? Why??" I sobbed harder in her chest as she tried to soothe me, her own tears trailing down my back.
"B..because God knows. He knows a man can never handle this pain. God only made us—the women's this strong. He knows only we can carry our heart on sleeve and face everything. Boys are not that brave and strong as they appear to be." She whispered in my ears as I cried hard. Cried at this ritual. Cried for the fate of a women. Cried for everything.
"Nahi banana maa. Nahi banana strong. I am okay being soft and fragile. I don't want to prove anything to anyone." She didn't reply, she just tried to calm me. She couldn't speak. Her throat was as heavy as my heart felt right now. The pain of letting your daughter go, was the biggest pain of all. That's why they call kanyadaan as mahadaan. Another bitter truth of this culture.
"I wish Nandini. I wish I could stop you. I wish I could do something to not let you go... but kuch nahi hai bache mere haath mein. Kuch nahi. Main chah ke bhi kuch nhi kr skti." We both cried in eachother's arms. Hands wrapped around my neck, Mom and I untangled to see Abhi and Papa in tears. Navya standing at the door. I wailed as Papa pulled me in his arms.
"Papaa.. please... please... I don't wanna go. Pleaseeee keep me with you." I clutched his shirt in my hands as he sat down beside me, letting me cry and wail and shout in his arms. But he didn't say anything.
"Papa please. Papa pleaseeee stop me. Please Papa." I sobbed harder in his chest. He rubbed my back and tried to calm me. I heard the door open and feet rustling in. I couldn't leave my father and turn back to look who was it. I just sobbed harder in his chest.
"Nandu... bas bacha. Shaant ho jao." I heard Abhi bhai stand beside us as he ran his hands through my hair. I removed one hand from Papa's shirt and held his hand. Digging my nails into his skin as I cried harder.
"Shh.. bas... shaant. Please calm down. Breathe Nandu." Bhai sat down on the floor as he untangled me from Papa's embrace and cupped my face.
"Breathe. Calm down." He said, tears trailing down his own eyes as he desperately tried to make me breathe.
"Y..you.... you all hate— you all hate me so much.?" I sobbed looking at his face as he came closer and shaked his head in no. "You hate me so much Bhai? So much?" I murmured as he soothed my back, fury running through my vains as I tried to move out of his hold.
"Nobody hates you princess. No one. Do you think its easy for Bhai to let you go? Do you really think so? No Nandini. It isn't. Its killing me."
"But do you know why we are all doing this? Na chahte huye bhi? Kyunki it's for the person on the other side. It's a universal thing Nandini, everyone has to get married one day. But you know what's holding me together? It's Manik. Knowing that he will worship the ground you walk on..... he will keep this world at your feet, he will do anything to make you smile— that's... that's what is keeping me together Nandini. That's why we don't want to stop you. That's why we all are doing this even if its killing us. Because this man is on the other side to hold you and never let you fall." Bhai looked behind my back and I turned towards the door. Nyonika Maa, Raj Papa, Navya and Fab5 stood there, looking at us.
Raj Papa held Maa as she cried in his arms. Mukti and Alya wrapped in Dhruv. He stood there with his eyes filled with sadness. So much sadness that I couldn't even look into his eyes, I turned my back to them and kept my head on Papa's chest. Still sobbing.
Papa wrapped his arms around me as his chest heaved up and down in silent crying. Bhai held my hands as my mother soothed my back.
"Princess.. if you are not ready. We can move the wedding." I heard Raj Papa say but I didn't reply. I didn't wanted to postpone the wedding, it was of no use. I was going to feel these same feelings even after 6 months or 1 year. Can this ever get any easy? No!
It will always hurt the same. The same pain. The same heartbreak. The same pain for my parents. They have already done so much, I can't let them go through these feeling again. I can't punish them for my stubbornness.
"No... its... its okay." I whispered but it was enough for them to hear. After what felt like forever my tears dried down. Mumma cupped my face and made me look at herself.
"The lawyer is here Nandini. They are waiting for your signature... the guests are here. Please get ready?" Mumma whispered placing a kiss on forehead and then my eyes. I wrapped my hands around her waist as she moved her hands in my hairs. Papa stood up from my side as Maa moved back and let him stand in front of me. I looked at his eyes to see them red. He cried. I made him cry.
"Never ever say that we don't love you Nandu. Aap Papa ki jaan ho princess. Aapko lagta hai ye sab mere liye aasan hai? Nahi hai Nandini. Everything hurts. Everytime I look at you... it hurts. It hurts to look at you and feel that from tomorrow, there will be no one. No one to laugh, joke and shout in this house." He whispered as a tear trailed down his eyes and I stood up, hugging him. Bhai and Maa stood beside us as we stayed in each other's arms. I felt his presence before I even saw him.
Papa kissed my head and nodding at me moved out of the room. Bhai nodded at Manik and he too kissed my head and moved out. One by one everyone left, leaving both of us alone.
"Itta rote hai kya koi? Hmm?" He whispered stepping closer to me and wrapping arms around my waist jerked me to his chest. I fisted his kurta, never looking at his face.
"Agar aap nahi ready the toh baat karte mujhse. I would've changed the wedding dates. Aap bolte toh sahi." He murmured over my head. When I still didn't look up or reply, he kept a finger on my chin moved my face up, making me look at his face.
"The pain would've been the same Manik. Be it now or 6 months later." I said. My voice hoarse from all the crying. He removed the remaining trails of tears from my cheeks, with his lips. He sucked on my tears as my breath quickened.
"Today is going to be the last time I am letting you cry. Even if it will kill me tonight to let you cry more then you already have, but I promise you. From tomorrow... there will always be smile on your face. All the damn time." He whispered, his hot breath fanning over my head. We stood wrapped in each other's arms.
Suddenly it strike me, I woke up sleeping... I didn't even go to the bathroom when Mumma came. It means I haven't brushed yet, neither did have bathed. And I am in my night shorts, my hairs must be looking like a bird's nest and I am in his arms in this condition.
Just kill me already!
"Suniye.. you go downstairs. I'll be there in 20." I whispered keeping my head on his chest not wanting to face him in this state.
He tightened his hold on my waist and maybe was about to say something but the door knocked. We both pulled apart and looked back. The door was wide open and Navya was standing there with the beauticians.
"Your haldi starts in 30 minutes." Navya said grinning at me and I internally groaned, she is Cabir 2.0.
Manik cleared his throat and stepped a little away as the girls started coming in and kept their stuff around the dresser. I looked back at his face to see his cheeks turning pink, making me chuckle. He glared at me and then moved out of the room leaving me alone.
"Madam agar aapka romance ho gya ho toh ready ho jaye sab aapka wait kr rhe hai!" Navya said, her eyes twinkling with excitement. As soon as we both will be alone, she's going to tease the hell out of me.
"Why the beautician? I have to wear Saree for the court marriage na?" I asked taking my bathrobe from the cupboard.
"Umm.. actually.. you woke up at 8 AM, its 10:30 already and your haldi starts at 11. Which means there's no time to change dressed... you'll have to sign the papers in haldi outfit." Navya informed fake smiling at me and I rushed to the bathroom.
"Well fuck me." I murmured before closing the door. "I can ask Manik about that?" Navya shouted from outside making me shout shut up.
As if my ass was on fire, I finished my morning routine and headed out in the bedroom to see Navya already decked up in her outfit. I took the lehenga from her hands and quickly headed back into the bathroom to change.
As soon as I was out the girls attacked me, someone pulled my hairs.. someone poked my eyes and the other one did my makeup keeping it neutral. Navya helped me with the flower jewellery and quickly slipping into the heels, we both headed out. The beautician would now reach the wedding venue and get everything settled up and I'll head there after the haldi ceremony.
Navya and I headed inside the hall to see everyone sitting on the sofa's waiting for me. I headed to the sofa where Manik was sitting and settled down beside him. A lawyer stood up and came to us, he kept some documents in front of us on the coffee table. I looked at Manik when he picked the papers up read it. I internally rolled my eyes, of course. Business habits!
Our families stood up around us as he went through the papers. My heartbeat could be heard from a mile away when he signed the paper and slid it in front of me. He came closer to me, almost side hugging me as he handed the pen to me.
I took the pen from his hand and signed my name on the papers under my printed name. Signing myself to this perfect man. Just as I was about to write Murthy beside my name, he wrapped his hand around mine which was holding the pen. With our eyes connected I completed my signature. He leaned a little to my ear and whispered making me stop breathing.
I love you.. Mrs. Nandini Manik Malhotra.
I couldn't concentrate on anything around us. I don't know who signed as our witnesses. I don't know who started shouting and clapping. I don't know anything. I just looked into his eyes, as his eyes repeated the same words again and again. Suddenly Cabir pulled him in a hug and I looked around. There was no papers in front of us. Everyone was standing. Our parents were congratulating each other. Mukti and Alya pulled me in a hug laughing.
"He said it, didn't he.?" Alya whispered when we three pulled apart. Suddenly everything came rushing back to me as my heart thumped more loudly then ever, I could feel the giddiness running through my heart to toes and my cheeks flushed. I merely nodded at them and they both shouted at the top of their lungs making me pinch on their hands.
I looked around us to see our families looking at us with huge smiles on their faces. By the look on their faces I know everyone knows what had happened, and my cheeks flamed more if they even could. Nyonika Maa came to me and cupped my cheeks.
"Bas karo bache. Your cheeks feel like they are on fire." She whispered only for my ears but as Navya was standing closer she heard it and chuckled. I also heard his chuckle behind us. I hid my face in Nyonika Maa's chest making her chuckle loudly.
"Agar ye sab tamashe ho gaye ho toh rasam shuru kare.? Ek toh isne pahle hi time kharab kar dia hai.. jaise sirf iski hi shaadi ho rahi hai pure jahan main." Bua dadi's irritated voice said wiping everyone's smile. I looked at Dhruv to see him pulling Manik back just as he tried to move forward. He looked at me and I pleaded with my eyes, shrugging Dhruv's hand he headed out towards the lawn.
"Come on.. the guests are waiting." My father said and we all started moving out. Bhai came to me and pulled me to his side as we walked to lawn.
"So a little birdie here told me Manik just said something.? What was it?" Bhai whispered in my ears making me flush more, Mukti chuckled behind us.
"Umm who was that birdie? She must be lying.!" I narrowed my eyes at her as Bhai laughed out loudly. I punched him in the stomach with my elbow.
"You okay?" He murmured a little more softly this time and I looked into his, nodding. We both walked to the middle of the lawn and I looked the decoration.
"When do you even get everything changed? Do you sleep at all or not?" I glared at him. We were here till 3 in the night, was he taking care of everything all night?
"Ab kya kare meri princess ki jo shaadi hai." He said and flicked my nose leaning down to my head, kissing.
Entrance
Seating arrangement for Manan.
The huge bowls where the ladies will do another rasam.
Sitting arrangement for the guest and the dance floor.
I looked around for him to see him talking to Dhruv and Cabir angrily. Grinning to myself I headed to the dance floor with perfect plan to make my man happy. Mukti nodded at the DJ and he played the songs for my last dance. Cabir pointed towards me just as the song started and I started grooving when he turned to face me. His anger fading away.
Just as I finished, he came to me on the floor. The song changed and we both smiled at each other. Holding my hand he spinned me and we both looked into eachother's eyes and started our next dance, enjoying it to bits.
As soon as we were seated, Fab4 grinned at us from the floor. Manik groaned and I chuckled knowing they would try their best to embarrass him. Cabir lives to poke him.
Everyone chuckled when four of them stopped. There were no steps... nothing, they just wanted to enjoy and tease him. And indirectly say how much they all love him without being too emotional.
Our mother's came to us and all the other ladies as well. The other guest men's jumped on the dance floor enjoying among themselves. Nyonika Maa and Mumma sat down in front of us as Mukti brought the haldi. My mother waited till Nyonika Maa applied haldi on him and then removed some from his face and gave it to my mother.
"What are you doing Maa?" He asked looking at us.
"Your used haldi will be applied to Nandini." Mumma smiled at him as he nodded in understanding. Suddenly he stood up and everyone looked at him.
"I have a better way." He stood behind my chairs and leaned his cheeks down to my face, rubbing the haldi on my face he grinned. The ladies around us chuckled making me blush. I looked at Bua Dadi to see her angrily glaring at me. I looked back at my mother, not wanting to ruin the mood.
"Manik. Stop being naughty. We have limited time here." Nyonika Maa glared at him to which he just shrugged. One by one everyone applied haldi to both of us. Then came our father's, Papa was almost again in tears but when I smiled brightly at him and swiped some haldi on his face, he chuckled. I did the same to Raj Papa and he kissed on my head and moved away.
Then came our friends, who like some hungry wolves jumped on us and turned haldi into holi. Manik glared at everyone but he couldn't say anything because it wasn't just Fab4. Bhai, Aryamann, Pia, Navya everyone was part of them... who in return were just grinning in excitement.
Our mother's came to our rescue or more like our friends because the way Manik was looking at all of them, he looked like he could eat someone alive. We both sat down on the huge bowl things and my mother came with a strainer thing, another aunt from my side put water into it making me drench completely.
A/n- (I don't know if such ritual exists but I just wanted to include it, hahaha!)
After a hell lot of photos we finally were kead back into the house and asked to take a bath. Just as I got out of the washroom, Bhai entered into the room with a unconscious Mukti in his arms and a crying Alya behind him. Dhurv followed too.
"What happened?" I asked rushing to Mukti as Bhai made her sleep on the bed. She was still drenched from the water holi we just had making her shiver in cold.
"I don't know.. one second she was standing beside Alya and Dhruv and next she fell down." Bhai said as he covered Mukti's body with my duvet.
"Manik knows?" I asked him and he shaked his head in no. I went to Alya who was still sobbing in Dhrub's arms and pulled her to my side.
"What happened Aaloo?" I asked her softly. She hicupped more as she tried to speak something.
"She missed Harshad when she saw you with Abhi. I was just trying to calm her down when Mukti overheard us." Dhruv informed and I felt my body weakening. This cannot be happening. Not at all. She haven't had any panic attacks after that last time. She even did meditation and all to calm herself down, if it's coming back... it's going to strike harder then ever.
"Dhruv I need Aryamann. I can't handle her alone. We need to wake her up or else we will have to hospitalise her." I said to him and he ran out of the room, making Alya sit on the couch I went back to Mukti.
~~~
Manik
The door banged open and a huffing Dhruv entered. His whole body shivering. I ran to his side scared.
"Dhruv. Buddy... what's wrong.?" I asked him but he was just looking at Aryamann.
"Nandini needs you... Mukti..." Dhruv said and I was running. Taking two steps a time I headed to her room to see her checking Mukti's blood pressure.
"Aryamann it's dropping drastically. I.. I don't what to do.. I can't—" Before she could complete Aryamann rushed to their side. He took Nandini's sthethoscope and put it on her heart.
"Don't worry Nandini. It's nothing too serious. Her blood pressure is dropping just because of stress. It's not too low. Look it's just a little down from normal." Aryamann pointed to a scared Nandini, she noticed the machine and then nodded.
"Just help her into something warmer. She will catch cold. Her heart beat is okay, you just need to wake her up. But first calm yourself down." Aryamann said to her and she nodded again. She looked at Navya and went to the cupboard, all the boys headed out.
I thumped down on the floor outside her door. My heart racing. Every panic attack of her breaks my heart. To see her so lost in herself and not able to help her, kills me. The door opened, Dhruv, Cabir, Arya and Abhi go back inside.. but I stay rooted to my place. With my head buried in my hands.
"Mukti uth gai hai." Navya's voice jerked me away from my thoughts. I nodd at her and followed her inside. Alya was sitting on the floor holding Mukti's hand as Mukti's head was in Nandini's lap.
"I've never blamed you Mukti. Uss raat jo bhi hua.... wo sirf bhagwaan ki marzi se hua. Tumhari koi galti nahi thi." Alya cried in Mukti's hand as Mukti sobbed too. Tears trickling down on Nandini's face. I couldn't even stand still looking at my three life lines crying like this, I sat down on floor again in the same position as earlier and closed my eyes. As the girls cried over their loss. And I, who always said that he wouldn't let anything and anyone hurt them... saw them crying, helplessly.
Suddenly Alya hummed, everyone in the room looked at her as Mukti sobbed harder in Nandini's lap. It was his favourite song. He would always hum it for Mukti. This was their thing.
Tujhse naaraz nahiin zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
O hairaan huun main
Tere masum sawaalon se
Pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main
Tujhse naaraz nahiin zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
O hairaan huun main
Tere masum sawaalon se
pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main
Alya sang as Mukti fisted her hands and wailed louder making my heart shook. It was such a painful scream that I wanted nothing to do other than pull her pain to myself and give her heart some peace. Mukti pulled Alya up making her sleep in Nandini's lap too as both of them hugged each other and cried harder.
Jeene ke liye sochaa hi nahi
Dard sambhaalane honge
Jeene ke liye sochaa hi nahi
Dard sambhalane honge
Muskuraaye to muskuraane ke
Karz utarne honge
Ho muskurauun kabhii to lagataa hai
Jaise honthon pe karz rakha hai
Tujhse naaraaz nahiin zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
O hairaan huun main
Alya couldn't even speak the words clearly. Just as I stood up to complete the words, Nandini beat me to it. She started from jeene ke liye with such pain laced in her voice... for my sister. For both of them. Nandini rubbed her hands over their hairs as they cried and she sang for them.
Tujhse naaraz nahiin zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
O hairaan huun main
Tere masum sawaalon se
Pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main
Aaj agar bhar aai hain
Boondein baras jaayengi
Aaj agar bhar aai hain
Boondein baras jaayengi
Kal kyaa pataa inke liye
Aankhein taras jaayengi
Ho jaane kab gum hoya kaha khoyaa
Ek ansuun chhupaake rakhaa thaa
Ho tujhse naaraaz nahin zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
O hairaan huun main
Tere masum sawaalon se
Pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main
O pareshaan hoon main.
Both the girls hid their faces in each other's neck as Nandini finished. They cried and we all let them, knowing it was long pending. They ignored this huge bump every time. Running away from eachother but now was the time for them to open their hearts for that single soul who was their world. Tears trickled down my own face as I felt their pain.
When even after 10 minutes both of them didn't stop, Nandini looked at helplessly. I took a deep breath and removed my tears and headed to them. They were still clinging tightly to each other. Nandini removed their heads from her lap and stood up. I sat down beside Alya and tapped on her shoulder. She faced me after three taps.
"Manikk.." Alya wailed throwing her arms around my waist and I rubbed her back. With my other hand I pulled Mukti to my side. Both of them hugged me as I rubbed their back. After a while there sobbing stopped. Both of them untangled from me and eachother. Mukti opened her arms to Nandini and she sat down beside her. Mukti kept her head on Nandini shoulder as I held Alya.
"Bas kar Aaloo..." I said when I felt her sobbing again. I turned her to face me. "Main kuch nahi lagta? You both are being so selfish. What about him? He gave up his life for what? To see you both crying and torturing yourself daily? Agar kal ko main mar—"
"Manikkkk." All three of them shouted together.
"Please Manik. Ab or kuch khone ki himmat nahi hai..." Alya whispered tightening her hold on me. I felt Nandini's hand wrap around my wrist.
"Aap subah bole the na.. I should've told you. Manik cancel the wedding. We are already married on the papers... I don't want any big fat wedding. I want them to be okay. I don't want anything." She murmured tears running down her eyes. As soon as she completed, Mukti and Alya jerked away from both of us.
"No.!"
"NO!" Both of them shouted together.
"If you cancel this wedding Nandini... toh main kabhi khud ko maaf nahi kar paungi." Alya looked at her and joined her hands. Nandini's quickly held her hands and pulled her closer.
"Alya we are already married.. we can have—"
"Nahi Nandini. Please don't." Alya started sobbing again and I pulled her back to me.
"Okay. Okay fine. If you stop crying then only this wedding will happen." I warned both of them and they nodded their head, vigorously.
"No more tears. Promise?"
"Promise."
"Promise."
"But—"
"Shut up!" Just as Nandini started to say something they shut her up.
"Okay. But you both will be with me till the baarat. You'll get ready with me... stay with me. Be with me all the time." Nandini demanded and they nodded.
"Bas hua ab? Feeling a little light.?" I questioned Mukti and she nodded.
"You really got the best Manik." Alya whispered in my ears and I looked at Nandini as she stood up from the bed and talked to Aryamann.
"I know." I whispered back.
"Manik. Go back to whatever you were doing... the girls will be with me." Nandini said from the end of the bed and I nodded. We all untangled and Dhruv came to Alya's side.
Nandini handed a huge box to Aryamann and Cabir and told them to keep it in the car. I chuckled at their bad faces. Dhruv helped Alya out of the room and Abhi took Mukti's hand. I turned back to face her when everyone left.
"I love you Nandini. I love you so fucking much." I said and before she could react or do anything pushed her to the nearest wall and claimed her lips.
•~•