Chapter 16: Confliction
As the days passed after our meeting with June, and I resumed my routine as much as possible with firebending, waterbending, and my studies, I couldn't help but worry more about certain things. There were so many "what ifs'' running through my mind.
What if Zhao found a way to get me back and I was forced prisoner again?
What if Zuko captured the Avatar and went back to the Fire Nation?
What if I found my family before Zuko captured the Avatar?
As I walked along the rail of the ship thinking over these things under the midday sun, I felt so scared. I was scared of the future... scared of what would happen between Zuko and I...
I stopped in my step and grabbed the rail. My eyes shot over to Zuko who was looking through his telescope at the coastline beside us, searching for any sign of the Avatar. Iroh stood beside him with an expression I couldn't read. His eyes shot my way for a moment, and he smiled at me kindly. I tried to smile back, but I was certain it was a terrible attempt and I turned back towards the sea.
Shutting my eyes, I took in a heavy breath to try and calm the twist in my gut. I was so torn. Being part Water Tribe, and knowing everything my mother had gone through... thinking of all I had gone through too... I couldn't help but despise the Fire Lord and his war more as the days went by.
I was tired of pain... I was tired of suffering... I wanted peace.
I wanted the Fire Nation to lose...
I wanted the Avatar to defeat Fire Lord Ozai...
While I wanted these things, I also knew wanting these things would go against everything Zuko desired and was working towards...
How could I be in love with Zuko, yet be against everything he stood for?
"Amara..." Iroh spoke beside me suddenly. I opened my eyes, still gripping the rail. I looked over to where he stood by me. He held concern. "What weighs on you? You have been so quiet these last few days. If you are concerned about Zhao, I can reassure you that he will not try anything at the moment. I hear he is returning his focus to searching for the Avatar again like Prince Zuko."
The mention of Zhao made me grip the rail harder.
Zhao... a Fire Nation Admiral... trying to hurt the other nations and my mother's people... He was the worst monster of them all. Part of me wanted the world to know about the crimes my father committed, just so Zhao would be disgraced and not gain anymore power. However, I knew doing so would put me in danger because the world would learn of my existence.
I wanted Zhao to pay though. I wanted him to pay for everything! The torture... murdering my mom... hurting others...
He deserved to die for the suffering he put me through...
A strong hand grabbed my arm and jerked me back towards the chair in the room. I struggled against Zhao, kicking at him hard to release me. We had only been at the harbor on the Earth Kingdom coast for a little over a week, and already Zhao had beaten me once for trying to escape. Today, I managed to make it to the treeline after breaking away from one of the soldiers that was forcing me to Zhao's tent. He chased after me, apprehended me, and forced me back to his commander. When he informed Zhao about my attempt to escape, the monster was not pleased and immediately took over. Once he ordered the soldier to leave, he started his torture.
"You truly are trying my patience! This is why I wanted to leave you at the estate but Uncle begged me to take you! You're always causing me trouble!" Zhao managed to jerk me to the chair and force me to sit. My hands were cuffed behind me, so all I could do was kick my feet at him. He dodged my attack and came beside me to grab my hair and jerk my head back. "Enough! One more kick and you will be limping for the rest of your life!"
I stopped trying to kick him, and instead gasped as he tightened his grip on my hair.
He leaned forward so his mouth was close to my ear. "Did you really think my soldier wouldn't catch you?! These attempts are a waste of time, Amara! No matter where you go, I will always find you! You are mine!"
I sobbed. I cried out in pain, "I... I'm not!"
He forced me up from the chair again, but only so he could shove me down on the ground. I hit his tent floor hard, and quickly tried to squirm to my knees. He walked past me, grabbing a whip from his weapon stand.
"You are! And I will show you what happens when you try to run from me!" He stepped back over and let the long leather strap hang loose. He lifted his arm, and I shut my eyes in fear. The pain was worse than I had ever felt in my life.
"Amara... calm down, child," Iroh spoke softly. His words surprised me. I opened my eyes and gasped when I saw steam in my sight. I looked down at the liquid below and saw the bubbling water that was calming.
We weren't the only ones to notice. Zuko had caught sight of the steam and came over quickly with concern. They knew hot water usually was a sign I was upset about something.
"What's wrong?"
Zuko's voice cut through me. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him that I hated what he was doing. I didn't want him to capture the Avatar! I didn't want the Fire Nation to win!
"I... I just need to be alone," I whispered.
I tried to leave, but Zuko grabbed my hand to stop me. "You've been like this for the last few days. Something is bothering you... talk to us..."
"I can't," I said. "It will upset you. I... don't want to make you mad."
He didn't let go. "You know nothing you say will make me mad. I promised you I'd never hurt you, Amara. I mean that."
Tears fell. I shut my eyes again. "You say that... but you might change your mind once you hear how I feel."
Zuko stepped forward and hugged me. I didn't push away. I pressed my face into his shirt, wishing he would just drop it. I knew once I told him my thoughts he'd be angry with me.
Would he stop loving me if I told him I didn't support the Fire Nation? Would we become enemies?
I shut my eyes harder as my emotions tried to pour out. My heart pounded painfully.
"Please... talk to me..."
I had a feeling the crew on deck were listening. I couldn't say it with them around. If I was about to admit my views, I couldn't let them hear.
"Can... we go talk in my room? Just the two of us?"
Zuko was quiet for a moment. Then he let out a heavy breath. "Sure."
Iroh spoke from where he still stood nearby. "I'll be at the helm if you need me, Prince Zuko."
Zuko walked me back to my room. He held my hand as we went, but I could tell he was anxious to know what was bothering me. I was scared to tell him. When we finally made it to my room, I let his hand go as I stepped inside and walked over to my cot. Zuko shut the door behind us, and then followed me over.
I sat down, pulling my knees to my chest for comfort. Zuko sat in the space beside me. He placed a hand on my shoulder to offer me comfort. "What's going on?"
I shut my eyes again. "Don't... hate me..."
He was surprised. "Hate you? Why would I?"
I pressed my face into the fabric of my pants. "Because... I..."
I swallowed. My breathing hitched. I tried to calm down, but I was suddenly afraid. I knew I had to do this though. I had to tell him my thoughts. I wanted him to understand that we weren't on the same side of this war.
"I don't want you to catch him," I finally said. "It's not right."
Silence fell between us for a moment. Zuko asked after a drawn out pause, "What do you mean?"
I shivered. "The Avatar... I don't want him to be captured." I pulled away from my legs so I could look over at Zuko. He was staring at me with disbelief. He had taken his hand back, shocked by my words. "I know this will upset you when I say it, but I don't support you. I don't want you to succeed in this quest. I want Aang and his friends to stop the Fire Nation and restore peace. I am against this war. I'm against the Fire Nation."
Zuko's mouth opened slightly as he struggled with what to say. "But... you are Fire Nation, Amara... you can't really mean that..."
I shivered. "Now that I've had time to learn about this war," I whispered. "And see the damage it has caused this world... I understand now why my mother wanted me to go to my Water Tribe family so much. The Water Nation and Earth Nation are the good ones... the Fire Nation is the cause of this pain and suffering. I... don't want there to be pain and suffering. And Aang... the Avatar... he's going to restore peace. He's going to help the world and stop the Fire Nation. Restore balance. I want him to win. I want the war to stop. I want Zhao and Fire Lord Ozai and all those other evil men out there to be stopped. My mother was a war prisoner... I was a war prisoner... the Fire Nation has hurt so many... I don't want people to be hurt anymore..."
Silence fell again. Zuko was quiet once more as he mulled over everything I had said to him. His voice was soft as he asked, "What about Uncle and I? Do you see us as your enemy too?"
I looked away again, staring at a random spot on the wall. "No... not at the moment... but if you capture Aang... that may change."
"You'd forget your feelings for me all because I capture a kid you don't even know?"
His question caused me to think back to the past. I thought about myself as a twelve year old kid, chained up and alone. No child should suffer such a cruel fate. Not even the Avatar.
My feelings escaped me. I stood and looked down at him with agony. "That's just the issue, Zuko! No one deserves to be captured! No one deserves to be locked in a cage just because of their origin and abilities! Aang is so nice, and he doesn't deserve to be a prisoner! Don't do it! Leave him alone! Don't lock him in a cage!" A sob escaped and I turned away from him. "If you capture Aang then you'll be no different from my father or Zhao! You'll just be a captor! I won't be able to accept you if you hurt the Avatar!"
Zuko was listening to me. I could tell he didn't know what to say. He was speechless.
"I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I can't stay quiet anymore. When I found out Zhao captured Aang, I wasn't going to turn myself over to help you. I was only going to do it to help the Avatar. I knew he stood a better chance of escaping you than Zhao. And I was so upset when you went after him with June. I didn't want you to find him! I care about you so much, Zuko. But I don't want you to win! I don't want you to take Aang to the Fire Lord!"
Another round of silence fell over us apart from my sniffles.
Finally, Zuko stepped around me so he could come in front of me. He said softly, "Amara... you have to understand... the Fire Nation isn't hurting the world. We're trying to help it. Unite the nations into one."
I shook my head. "If that were true, then why did they annihilate the Air Nation? I was told stories about the airbenders and the massacre. Iroh told me that Aang is the last airbender. How is wiping out a whole nation a way to unite?"
Zuko let out a heavy sigh. "My great-grandfather Sozin did that to find the Avatar. I never agreed with his method when I learned about it growing up, but that was a hundred years ago... My father has a different mind set. He isn't trying to wipe out the other nations. He's just trying to spread our people out so we can share our way of life."
I crossed my arms and looked at him with astonishment. "Share your way of life? Kidnapping waterbenders from the South Pole is the way to do that? Imprisoning earthbenders? I... I don't understand how that's helping the world. I've been locked up for sixteen years, only learning about the war from my mother, Tu Lan, and the voices through the floorboard. But now that I've seen the Earth Kingdom, and learned about what's happening, I don't like it. Seeing that Earth Kingdom prison a few weeks ago... knowing there are more like it... thinking about what happened to my mom and the other waterbenders... I don't want the Fire Nation to hurt my mother's people or anyone else. I... I'm sorry... but I'm not on your side."
Zuko turned his back to me. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He tried to think of what to say. "So... what if I do capture the Avatar? What do you plan to do?"
His question surprised me. Then I frowned and hung my head. "I... I've thought of that... I won't be able to stand by and watch you cage a child... but I know I won't be strong enough to fight you and have the Avatar released... so... I'll probably just leave. I'll go find my family... and try to keep them safe as much as I can."
He was quiet again. Then he let out a heavy breath. "You... would leave? Travel to the Southern Water Tribe by yourself?"
I shut my eyes again. "I don't want to leave you or Iroh, Zuko... I love you both... so much... But I also don't want to have anything to do with the Avatar being captured... I really do care about you... But if you capture the Avatar and go home, I have to part ways. I don't want to go to the palace and meet Fire Lord Ozai. And... My heart can't handle the thought of living at the center of the Fire Nation while the Avatar is imprisoned and the other nations are suffering. Plus, I don't even know if your father will accept me anyway... I... I don't belong in the Fire Nation. I never have..."
His fists tightened at his side. I could see he was upset by all I had said. "I don't know why I'm surprised," he whispered. "Your mom was a waterbender, and Zhao treated you so terribly. It only makes sense that you're confused and scared about all of this. Seeing Zhao the other day really upset you. But he doesn't represent the Fire Nation, Amara. Or my father. Zhao is just a cruel man. There are so many good people in the Fire Nation. People like Uncle and I. You'll see that once I capture the Avatar and take you to the palace."
His words stunned me. "Wait... You... think I'm confused?"
He sighed. "I think you have had a stressful last few days, and you're just upset."
I looked at him with disbelief and my own hurt. I felt in that moment like he didn't know me at all. Did he think I couldn't think for myself? His disregard towards my feelings was a slap in the face.
He looked back at me with a frown. I knew he was upset with me. I was going against everything he believed in. But what did he expect? Whether he liked it or not, I was part Water Tribe...
He spoke again. "You need to get some rest today. I can see you're still traumatized from everything that happened with Zhao. I'll let uncle know--"
"I'm not traumatized! I know how I feel. I'm not a naive child! I may not know a ton about the world, but one thing I understand is apart from the people on this ship and Tu Lan, the Fire Nation has only hurt me! My mother is dead because she was a waterbender! I had to hide my waterbending and firebending for so long because I was afraid I would be killed too! I don't like the Fire Nation! I... I don't want to have anything to do with the Fire Nation!"
Zuko grabbed my arms suddenly. I could see he was much more frustrated than before. I suddenly felt afraid, uncertain if Zuko would really not hurt me like he promised. "Stop saying that! You are the daughter of a Fire Nation Admiral! You have the features of someone from the Fire Nation! If you go to the South Pole, how do you know they will accept you? Once they find out you're a firebender they may force you to leave!"
My heart ached. I tried to pull away from him. "No! You're wrong! They'll accept me once I tell them who I am! Clearly you're the one that can't accept the fact that I'm part Water Tribe!"
Zuko was shocked. "Amara! That's not true!"
"Yes it is! You wish I was just Fire Nation! You wish I didn't have ties to the other side of this war! But I do! If you capture Aang, I will never be able to see you as anything but the enemy!"
"So what then?! You want me to just stop the chase? Never go home? Completely turn against my people?"
"Yes! That's what I want! But I know it's not something you will do!" I tried to pull from him, but he held on. "Because we are on opposite sides!"
Zuko was trying really hard not to yell at me. His eyes were shut tight. I felt his hands heat up though. I knew I had upset him. I knew that he was as disappointed with me as I was with him. "Stop speaking like this, Amara. You're committing treason."
"Against who? Your father? Zhao and my Uncle? I never wanted to be part of this! I wanted my mom and I to escape that terrible place the night I learned she was going to die! I wanted to leave the Fire Nation years ago!"
"You won't make it out there on your own! Going to the South Pole by yourself is insane! You won't make it without Uncle and I! And you don't even know if your family is there!"
"I don't care! I know if you capture the Avatar you won't take me to the South Pole! I'm not a fool! As soon as you capture him you're going to head straight home! I can't go with you! I refuse to!"
"You won't have a say in that!"
His words shocked me. I stared at him with heartbreak. Everything inside me turned cold.
I... didn't have a choice? He wasn't going to let me do what I wanted?
It felt like my world had shattered. The last month of freedom felt blurred. My pulse quickened. This was a cage after all. My voice was broken as everything finally became clear. "I... won't have a say...? It's true then... I'm just a prisoner here... Zhao was right... you really weren't planning on taking me to the South Pole." I shut my eyes hard as my heart pounded painfully. "It was all a lie."
Zuko was stunned. Then immediately he filled with regret. "Amara... no... I didn't mean... That's not what I--"
I managed to push him off, and I turned to run to my door.
"Amara! Wait!"
I didn't look back. I was hurt and needed to leave. Everything was so dark suddenly. I felt confined. Lies... it was all a lie... I was a prisoner...
I jerked the latch and rushed out into the hall. As I ran towards the stairs that would lead up to the deck, my mind was racing. I heard steps behind me and Zuko's desperate calls, but I ran faster.
Zuko was the prince of the Fire Nation, and completely loyal to his father. He desired to return home, and didn't care about locking the Avatar up to get what he wanted. He didn't care about my mother's people, or the Earth Kingdom, or anyone else for that matter.
All he wanted was his honor... And now that I was against his desires, I was his enemy.
Would he lock me in a cell now if he caught me? Would he send me back to Zhao for defying him? Would he send me to his father to be dealt with for my crimes?
The worst part was, despite being angry and hurt at Zuko, I still cared about him. I knew that's because I had fallen in love with him.
But as much as I loved him, I would never agree with him about the Fire Nation being good. And I would never let him treat me like I had no say. Had Zhao been right all along? Was I just a prisoner to Iroh and Zuko? Was my freedom all just a show?
Were they really going to help me find my family in the beginning? Or was their plan to keep me with them forever?
I made it up on deck. I wasn't really being rational at that moment. I was in a state of panic as I realized Zuko was following my path, and if I was caught I was sure to be locked up. Racing to the rail of the ship, I headed to an opening where they dropped the anchor for docking. I estimated the coast line was probably a half mile out. I didn't know how to swim, but maybe my waterbending would get me there.
Zuko's voice echoed across the deck. "Amara! Stop!"
I stared down at the water, hesitating. I knew it was deep. I didn't know what creatures lurked below, but I hoped there were no tigersharks or lionsharks. I read they weren't the nicest fish in the ocean. However, my freedom was about to end. I couldn't let them cage me again.
Escape... I had to escape...
Shutting my eyes, I went to jump.
"No!" Arms wrapped around my waist and I was jerked back. I screamed and struggled as Zuko dragged me away from the rail towards the center of the deck. "Are you crazy?!"
I screamed again and kicked back at him. "Let me go!"
"Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!"
"Then let go!"
The ship shook as waves suddenly grew. I had a feeling it was my doing. I could feel connected to the water as I desperately tried to free myself.
Zuko grunted as I kicked him in the shin. "Stop! I'm not letting you jump off the ship! I'm sorry for what I said! I didn't mean that! Calm down!"
I sobbed and shook my head. I wanted to believe him, but I also knew it didn't matter. In the end, I was against him. Our weeks of friendship, love, and affection seemed like a blurred dream as I came to realize I didn't want to be part of this journey anymore. I didn't want to stand back and watch Zuko try to hurt a boy that never did anything wrong.
I shot a blast of fire down at his feet, but he managed to step back to avoid it.
We heard a herd of steps on the deck as others arrived. Iroh sounded out of breath as he asked, "What on earth is going on?!"
Zuko grabbed my wrists to stop my arms from jabbing at him and throwing more fire. "She tried to jump off the ship! I had to stop her!"
Iroh was confused. "What led to this?!"
"Help me get her back to her room," Zuko said.
I screamed again. "No! I'm not your prisoner! Let me go!"
"Amara! Calm yourself, child! You know you're not! We are concerned about you!" Iroh came in front of me. "You are safe here! You are not a prisoner!"
Iroh's concern broke through the heavy darkness and made my panic finally calm. I stopped fighting Zuko. As Iroh looked at me with fatherly concern, I knew I couldn't hurt him by breaking free and jumping. I owed Iroh for saving me. And Iroh... he had promised to help me find my family. I wanted to trust him...
I gave in. I collapsed to my knees and cried. Zuko released me at this point so I didn't drag him down with me. Iroh got on his knees once he saw I was no longer struggling, and he pulled me into his embrace. The rocking of the ship had calmed as my energy seemed to leave me.
Iroh hugged me closer. "Shh... You're alright, Amara. It's okay."
"No... I'm your enemy now... It's not okay," I whimpered. "I... I don't belong here anymore."
I heard some more footsteps as more of the crew approached with their own concern. Iroh gave orders to the onlookers. "Jing. Please prepare some tea and have it delivered to Amara's room."
I heard steps walk away as Jing went to do as he was told. Ju spoke only a moment later. "I'll see about getting something together to calm her also."
I shut my eyes harder. No... I didn't want to be calmed. Suddenly I felt like everything was closing in on me. I felt like I was back in my dark attic prison, even with the sun beating down on me from above.
"What happened?" Iroh asked again.
Zuko let out a heavy breath. "We had a disagreement... I said something I shouldn't have and upset her."
He lost his patience. "Which was?"
There was a pause except for my sniffles.
"I... told her that she didn't have a say..."
My body shook.
Iroh let out a heavy breath. "Fe... Jee... please help escort Amara back to her room. I'll be there shortly. Zuko... stay here. I want an explanation."
Fe and Jee stepped over to grab my arms and pulled me to my feet. I kept my gaze from everyone. I hung my head. I felt numb. I didn't know what to believe anymore. They were forcing me back to my room. I probably didn't have a choice if I refused. Was I destined to just be controlled by others?
"Amara..." Iroh spoke to me once he was on his feet as well. "I will come speak to you in a moment."
As I was forced back to my room, I jerked my arms from Fe and Jee. They let me, knowing that I needed some space. I crossed my arms once I could, and kept my eyes on the floor.
My heart hurt. It hurt because no matter how angry I was at Zuko, I still felt love for him. I didn't understand why...
Third Person POV
Once Amara disappeared below the deck with Fe and Lieutenant Jee, Iroh immediately interrogated the young prince who was hanging his head in shame.
"What happened, Prince Zuko? I want the whole story."
Zuko let out a heavy breath. He looked around and saw some of the crew were lingering. He didn't want to discuss the events with them listening.
He ordered sharply, "Return to your duties!"
They all grumbled and walked off to not anger the prince further. Zuko looked back at his uncle and then dropped his gaze again.
"It's a mess," Zuko finally muttered. "Everything is a mess."
Iroh was even more confused. "Explain."
Zuko stared out at the sea. "She told me why she's been so upset. She told me that she doesn't want anyone to capture the Avatar. Including me... She said that she hates the war, and she doesn't like the Fire Nation. She doesn't want to come to the palace with me if I succeed in my mission." He dropped his head on his hand. "She told me she is against everything the Fire Nation is doing and she despises the Fire Lord." He let out a heavy breath. "I got frustrated with her and said things I shouldn't have... I told her she was committing treachery by speaking in such a way. I asked her what she planned to do if I captured the Avatar and she told me she would go to the South Pole."
He paused as he recalled everything he had said to her. He knew he had been stupid. He didn't understand why he was so surprised by Amara's views on everything. She had been a prisoner for so long, and the ones who did it to her were Fire Nation. Her mother was taken from her home by the Fire Nation and killed. Amara had every right to be against what the Fire Nation was doing. While Zuko wasn't thrilled about every aspect of the war, he wanted to believe that his father was doing what was best for the world. But hearing Amara's thoughts made him feel a small doubt towards his nation... towards his father...
He spoke again to finish his explanation. "When I thought about her journeying by herself, I hated the idea. But I didn't realize until after I told her she couldn't go to the South Pole alone that I was sounding so controlling. And then I made it worse and told her that I'm taking her to the palace once I capture the Avatar and she doesn't have a say in the matter. I lost my temper, and now she thinks she's a prisoner on this ship."
Iroh sighed.
Zuko continued. "I screwed up. I lost my temper and now she probably hates me."
"Zuko... I do not believe she hates you," Iroh spoke softly. "I assume she fears you see her as a threat because she does not support your quest. She fears you will lock her up for speaking against your father and our nation..."
"I would never..." He spoke, his heart aching at the thought of throwing her in a cell. "I don't know what to do, Uncle... I hurt her so much."
Iroh let out a deep sigh. "I will see what I can do to calm her down. Why don't you give her some space for a while. When she is ready to see you, I will let you know. She just needs some time to understand that no one is upset with her."
Zuko crossed his arms. "Okay... I'll keep away from her for now... Just... Tell her... tell her I'm sorry, okay?"
Iroh nodded. "I will. She just needs time... She has had a difficult life. Her trust in others is very fragile... This is why I warned you not to lose your temper around her..."
Zuko groaned and pressed his fingers to his temple. "I know... I wish I had just stayed calm and told her I understood. When she told me she wanted me to stop my mission though, I was just upset because I really want to go home and she doesn't seem to understand that."
"She does," Iroh spoke again. "That's the issue, Prince Zuko. She is conflicted because she loves you, but she also cares about her mother's people. She understands that if you capture the Avatar then her Water Tribe family will be in danger. Being of two nations, Amara is in a situation none of us will understand. That's why, even though she may not agree with what we are doing, we must continue to show her love and kindness."
Zuko nodded. As Iroh turned and headed to the stairs to go to Amara's room, Zuko stepped up to the rail and gripped it hard. His heart was weighed heavy with guilt. He knew the worst part of everything was that he did feel like the bad guy. He had yet to tell Amara that the Avatar was traveling with her cousins. He was keeping secrets from her, and this only made him frustrated with himself. But the thought of Amara joining the Avatar and his friends made Zuko cringe. Because the moment she did, he would be chasing after her as well.
Everything was just so screwed up...
Amara POV
When Iroh came in, I was sitting in the corner of the room with my head buried in my knees. I hugged my legs tight searching for any form of comfort I could find. I had a feeling when Jee and Fe got me to my room that they were outside my shut door to make sure I didn't go anywhere. The door opening upon Iroh's arrival made me bury my face harder into my knees. In a flash, I was no longer a guest on the ship. I was a Fire Nation traitor, and a Water Tribe prisoner.
I heard Iroh let out a heavy breath as he took in my state. "Amara... please do not be afraid of us. You are not in trouble. It is to be expected that you are against what we are doing. As I have told you before though, I do not believe the Avatar will be captured," he reassured. "You do not have to worry about that."
I shook again. "I'm trapped here... Zuko said... I don't have a choice... I was freed from one prison and brought to another..."
My door shut as Iroh stepped further in. "You are free, child. When Tu Lan told me about you so long ago, all I could think in my head was that a poor girl was suffering and needed protection. I took you from Zhao to give you a new life..."
A gentle hand settled on my head. I heard Iroh kneel beside me.
"I have to confess, I have feared the day that you are reunited with your Water Tribe family. I have grown fond of you, Amara. You are a daughter to me, and I have come to enjoy your company. However, I know when the day comes I cannot stop you from going with them. That is your choice, and no one else's. You are not a prisoner. You are free to go when you choose... once the ship isn't in the middle of the ocean of course..."
I swallowed. "I made Zuko mad... he's going to imprison me... I won't have a say now..."
Iroh breathed heavily. "Zuko is not angry with you, Amara. Also, if he tried to throw you in a cell I would have him thrown overboard myself."
He said the last part to lighten the air. The tightness in my heart did loosen.
Iroh continued. "During moments of anger, things can be said that shouldn't be. Zuko regrets what he said to you. He just can't bear the thought of having to ever say goodbye to you. You are the first person he has cared about since his mother. He fears you not being with him will bring him loneliness again."
I lifted my head slightly and met Iroh's gaze. "I... really care about him. And you... but I finally realize that I don't feel right being part of this Iroh. Being on this ship, surrounded by Fire Nation soldiers... I feel like I'm betraying my mom and my Water Tribe family."
Iroh sat cross legged. He was quiet for a moment as he thought about what to say. Finally, he gave me a sad smile. "Let me ask you a question... Do you want me to find you safe passage to the South Pole? I wouldn't be able to go with you, but if you desire to leave I am happy to help in any way I can."
I frowned. I thought about being on an unfamiliar ship with strangers, headed to a land I didn't know. However, I knew if I did that I would be able to go to the South Pole and finally be with my mother's people. The thought of leaving Iroh and Zuko hurt, but I knew as long as they chased the Avatar I would always be against them.
"I... don't know..." I whispered. "I'm so confused... about everything... I don't want to leave you and Zuko. I feel safe when I'm with you. But I also don't want to stay and see Zuko capture the Avatar... it's all just a mess... I'm so conflicted..."
Iroh sighed. "I know."
For the rest of the day I stayed in my room. Iroh had me drink some tea at some point. When Jing brought it in, he tried to speak with me. I did not respond. Iroh let him know I just had a lot on my mind and to give me some space. For most of the evening Iroh gave me company. He didn't want to leave me in my state. He tried to cheer me up with stories about the spirit world. He had traveled there on a quest to try and find his son after losing him. He heard rumors that some people who died would pass on to the other realm. He told me that when he passed he hoped that he would be granted the privilege of his spirit being accepted into the spirit world.
I was kind of glad he was trying to distract me from the battle within. The longer he spoke to me, the calmer I became. Of course, I knew Ju had slipped some herbs into the tea I was given so I had a feeling that had something to do with my state. As the day came to an end, Iroh said, "I need to go check on Zuko. Think about what I said, dear. If you do wish to go to the South Pole to be with your mother's people, I will find you safe passage. The decision is yours."
As he went to leave, I asked softly, "Zuko really doesn't hate me? He doesn't see me as his enemy?"
Iroh gave me a smile. "Zuko understands that you care about your Water Tribe family, Amara. He is not angry. He is scared of losing you. I can see that he loves you... I have never seen him take so much interest in someone before. He can't bear the thought of you not being with him. He is sorry for causing you any pain earlier. He wanted me to tell you that. Maybe tomorrow, you can try speaking with him again so he can apologize himself..."
Once Iroh left, I laid on my cot and thought about everything he had said. Shutting my eyes, I fiddled with the charm on my mother's necklace. I thought back to my last conversation with her. Right before Uncle Xi and Zhao came to kill her, she had whispered to me, "Escape... when you do, tell our family I love them. Tell them I never stopped thinking of them... I love you so much Amara... please... be strong..."
That night I didn't sleep much. I tossed and turned as I weighed my options in my head. There was one person I would truly miss if I left, but I knew one day we would probably have to part anyway. It was better this way... it was best I parted before the thought of leaving became even more painful.
That next morning I skipped breakfast. I told Iroh I wasn't hungry. In truth, I wasn't. It was a little before midday when I finally emerged from my cabin. I first knocked on Zuko's door, but he was not in his room. I assumed that meant he was up on deck. When I finally got outside, I saw him by the rail staring off at the coast. From the way his body was leaning against the railing, I could tell he was upset. I knew he wasn't angry though, so I sucked up my courage and approached.
"Zuko..." I spoke softly. I was still a little worried about angering him. I told myself that it would be okay.
He looked over at me, and then looked away with shame. I went to speak, but he cut me off. "I'm sorry. About what happened... I didn't mean to lose my temper and say what I did. I understand why you feel the way you do about everything. It was stupid of me to tell you that you had no say... If you want to go, I won't stop you... you will never be my prisoner. I care about you..."
I stepped up beside him. I crossed my arms as I looked at the coast in the distance. After a moment, I found my voice. "I... was scared when you said I didn't have a say. I guess I'm still really sensitive when it comes to people trying to control me. I want to feel like I can make my own choices now. Be free to do and be what I want. I panicked... I thought you were going to lock me in a cell for being against your mission and the Fire Nation."
He cringed. "No... I would never do that to you. I'm not a monster..." He let out a deep breath. "Yesterday I lost my temper, and I shouldn't have. I guess, I'm just scared too," Zuko whispered. "About losing you. You're the one person I've felt like I can open my heart to, Amara. My mom vanished, and I thought I would never be happy again. But you made me smile... and laugh... something I never thought was possible." He sighed. "But I won't control you. I don't want to. You are free, and I'm not going to stop you if you want to go. I wish you would stay, but it's not up to me."
I felt my eyes burn as tears threatened to fall again. "I really don't want to leave you, Zuko... You're the first person I've cared about other than Tu Lan and my mom. I really do love you. I still don't understand my feelings towards you, but I do understand that the thought of leaving you really hurts. But... I worry for my mother's people. I don't want the other nations to be hurt. I guess I think of my mother being captured because of this war, and it makes me dislike the ones who did it to her. If the Fire Nation never invaded the South Pole, my mom would've never been taken from her family."
Zuko frowned deeply. "But then you would've never been born."
I shut my eyes. "But my mom would be alive... she would've gotten to see her sister have a family. She would've been able to marry the man she loved. The Fire Nation took her away from her happiness. While having me helped her loneliness, I was just a reminder to her of the pain my father put her through."
Zuko took my hand. I didn't pull away. "I'm sorry... for everything that happened to your mother. That was wrong. But... When I become Fire Lord I can stop all of that from happening. I'll help the other nations. I'll repair things."
"Is becoming Fire Lord really what you want?"
Zuko was surprised by my question. "It's my birthright, Amara... It's all I've ever wanted."
"Would you stop the war... would you make the fighting stop... release the prisoners? Remove the Fire Nation camps?"
He grimaced. Suddenly, he looked conflicted. "I... don't know... My father has worked hard to add colonies to the Earth Kingdom... I... I wouldn't want to destroy what he has created."
I knew then I wouldn't be able to change his mind. I knew that even though I loved him, we would never agree with what was happening to the world.
A tear fell. "I understand..."
I stared at his hand which was still grasping my own. I pictured never holding it again, and the thought hurt. I knew my decision was best for the both of us though. I needed to find my family, and Zuko needed to continue on his quest.
I let out a heavy breath. "I... need to tell you something... Iroh... he offered to find me safe passage to the South Pole... I think I'm going to go," I spoke softly. "I know it will hurt you, and it will hurt me too, but I don't think we're ever going to agree on things. I need to be with my Water Tribe family. I want to fulfill my mother's wishes."
Zuko sighed. "I won't stop you... but I will definitely miss you..."
My heart tightened from his honesty.
"But... I do need to tell you something about your family before you go. You might hate me for this... I've known for a few days, and been scared to tell you. It was selfish of me to keep it from you." He swallowed and shut his eyes hard. He squeezed my hand. "Those teenagers traveling with the Avatar... The Avatar told me that the waterbender and her brother are Kya's children. The Avatar's friends are your cousins... they confirmed it with me when I caught them the other day."
His words shocked me. I felt everything inside me freeze over. Time seemed to stop.
What? My family... My cousins... They were traveling with the Avatar? They were near...?
"I should've told you when I learned the truth," Zuko spoke again. He let go of my hand and covered his face. "I was wrong for keeping this from you, and I'm sorry... I won't be surprised if you hate me."
I was quiet still as his reveal sunk in. My heart pounded heavily. So... If I stayed with Zuko and Iroh then... and went with them the next time they pursued the Avatar... then I would see my family?
Zuko was chasing my family this whole time? They were near?
I finally found my voice. "What... are they like? Do you know their names?"
He was surprised by my question. He thought for a moment. "The girl is Katara, I believe... The boy is Sokka. The girl is a waterbender like you. Her face is similar. The boy kind of has your eyes. They asked me about you... they are worried, and eager for you to be with them. I didn't tell you because I knew if you joined them, I'd be chasing after you too."
I fell quiet again. My heart pounded loud in my ears. Katara... Sokka... My family was with the Avatar...
"I know you're mad. I'll never be able to say sorry enough for keeping this from you. I am sorry though, Amara... I truly am..."
I looked over at Zuko with bewilderment. "Sorry...?" I suddenly moved forward and hugged Zuko tight. He was shocked by my gesture. He slowly hugged me back though. "Don't be. You helped me find my family... they do exist... I have a chance to meet them... this is amazing news." I pressed my face into his shirt as tears fell. "You did keep your promise... Tu Lan told me you and Iroh would. He was right..."
Third Person POV
Zuko was in shock. He had expected Amara to be furious with him. He had expected her to scream at him for keeping things from her, or lash out at him. But instead she was hugging him? Thanking him? She was definitely not like other girls he knew.
"You... don't hate me?"
Amara looked up at Zuko. Her blue eyes were so deep, Zuko felt his pounding heart calm. "I could never hate you... I was hurt yesterday for what you said. Scared... But I still care about you and love you... I don't think I'll ever stop caring about you. But... I want to meet my family. Promise me... the next time you go after them I can come... I just want to see them..."
Zuko sighed and brushed a hand through her hair. "You know what finding them means though, right? I'll be capturing the Avatar."
She frowned. "I... know... but if they escape, I just want to see them. Confirm that they are my family."
He nodded. "I'll make you one more promise then, Amara... if I do capture the Avatar, I'll let you and your family go. I don't want to hurt them... I never have. I'm only after the Avatar."
She met his gaze again. His heart ached as he thought about her leaving him.
But he knew, in the end he had to let her go. He would not take away her freedom. He would let her do what she desired in the end.
He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. He hugged her tight again, pressing his face into her hair. "Saying goodbye to you will be painful. But if you want to go with them, I won't stop you."
She rested her head against him. "I'll always remember you, Zuko... you'll always be my first love."
Zuko frowned. He wished he would be her only love...
Later that night, Zuko sat with his Uncle in his cabin. They were looking over maps and having tea. Amara had returned to her room after speaking with Zuko. She still didn't feel comfortable with the crew after the day before.
"I saw you and Amara worked things out," Iroh spoke, sipping his tea. "She told me she's staying with us for a little longer."
Zuko stared at the tea he held in his hand with melancholy. "I finally told her about the Avatar's friends. She wants to stay with us so she can meet them. Of course, that situation in itself is a mess because I'm chasing after them, so if she does meet them it's because I'm capturing the Avatar."
Iroh pondered over this. "Or, you could let the Avatar and his friends go just one time and let Amara choose if she wants to go with them."
Zuko scoffed. "Why would I go to the trouble of trying to find them to just let him go?!"
Iroh sipped his tea again. "For Amara... although, she may decide to stay with us instead if she was given the choice."
Zuko shook his head. He shut his eyes. "She won't. She knows that we're never going to see eye to eye. She's right. I'm always going to cherish my time with her, and I'll miss her so much... but at the end of the day I'll let her go. Because she needs to be with her family... the Fire Nation isn't safe for her anyway. Being a dual bender will not be accepted by my father... you're right about that."
Iroh frowned, placing his cup down. He leaned forward to place a fatherly hand on Zuko's shoulder. "I'm proud of you for this. I know it is not easy to let go of the things you want, but it is the right thing to do. Amara needs to be with her Water Tribe family."
Zuko glanced at the wall that divided his room from Amara's. "I know... I just wish things could be different. She made me smile for the first time in years."
"She will truly be missed," Iroh agreed. "But you never know, Prince Zuko... the future is full of possibilities... things may work one day where you and Amara can truly be together."
Zuko sighed. "The only way that would happen is if I switched sides of the war... I can't do that... my destiny is to capture the Avatar and restore my honor and throne."
Iroh sipped his tea again. He shut his eyes. "Destiny is a funny thing... you may believe one way is the only path, but a whole other direction might open before you. One you would've never expected."
Zuko had no clue what his uncle was going on about. His mind was too distracted with the thought of having to say goodbye to the girl he had come to love.
For the first time in three years, he didn't want to find the Avatar. Because when he did, he knew he would have to let Amara go...