[TW: Implications of suicide and suicidal ideation. Please be aware before reading.]
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|Year 844|
One year before humanity's darkest day.
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SHE WOULD KILL HIM.
He was too loud.
His posture was stiff, but slumped. He wasn't focused, and she caught him muttering to himself once. She recognized it as 'mourning'. It was pitiful, disgusting, weak, and too loud. There was never a time for it, especially not with the ones who had the potential to be the target. As much as she didn't like to admit it, Levi had more power than her. Yet, he wasted it with every day he dared miss training.
It was shameful, how he was allowing himself to spiral into an emotional wreck. How pathetic it was, watching him skip every meal, and observing the dark purple that formed under his eyes. They were there before, but what was once purple was now such a deep shade it could be described as black.
Why didn't he understand? Wasn't it common knowledge? Bonds, connections, they are never meant to last, and yet he formed them anyways. Now that he was alone, it was the perfect time to better himself.
Kira forgot about the last time someone was better than her. The gap between her and the person never lasted long enough before she surpassed them anyways. She was good, then great, and then the best. Now, standing in front of her was someone who was so much better, so much stronger and so revoltingly weak that it made a spark appear within her. It made her angry.
How dare he waste away? She wouldn't allow it. No, She wanted to close this gap just as she'd closed every other gap that was created by others before him. She would surpass him, but she would only surpass him at his best. If she doesn't prove she's stronger, then wouldn't she be shunned from the regiment? What would they need her for if someone could complete the same task but much faster? Once she was at the top, she'd be useful again.
She was picking at her fingers again, forcing herself to use her book more frequently than she had in a long while. She couldn't surpass someone who was withering away, and she couldn't listen to someone who was supposed to be stronger than her lose himself to something as feeble as death. He needed to live so she could overpower him and end him at his best. That's what it meant to be useful. That's what it meant to surpass someone.
He was standing on the perch again, and he looked more relaxed than he had in two months. How frustrating. This is the way he wanted to better himself, by dying? He was thinner, obnoxiously frail, as if to taunt her. It was as if he wanted to show that he wouldn't allow her to transcend him because he would fall on his own. She stabbed her thumbnail into the side of her pointer finger and opened the door that led to the outside where he was. He sat down, dangerously unaware of his surroundings.
Should she just do it now? No, she wanted him to be at his best. She placed the bowl she brought next to his worn out form and took a few steps back to create space between them.
"What the hell do you want?" Levi's voice was coarse and sharp, but it lacked any slight intimidation that it had when he first arrived. He glanced down at what she placed next to him. It was the same bland porridge that they were serving to the rest of the soldiers in the dining hall. Though lights out was going to be called soon. Levi just scoffed and looked away from it. His reaction made Kira sink her nail deeper into her pointer finger.
How heinous. There were multiple ways of regaining energy, and though she was made to be patient, she lacked restraint when it came to this situation. This is how weak normal people are, and how vile it was that one of them happened to be so much stronger than her. She didn't think twice when she kicked him in the head, leaving his tired body to crumble as his eyes closed. There were multiple ways of restoring energy, and she'd use either one of them to get him back to where she wanted.
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Kira stirred the mixture slowly, the aroma of her cooking filling the empty kitchen. She'd never eaten a meal that wasn't cooked by herself. She couldn't allow anyone to put anything in her food or drink, so she always prepared her own in order to be able to watch exactly what was going into it. The regiment had a very small patch of farmable land next to the training grounds that was left unused. Kira took that opportunity to grow beans and carrots. They were easy to maintain, as well as nutritious food.
Being in the kitchen again reminded her of school, when she cooked for everybody. She was punished a lot at first, since her skills around food were less than average, but the more she was placed in front of the stove, the more her food became more enjoyable and easier to make.
"I was always curious with how you managed to eat, even without ever reaching for food during dinner." Erwin sat down at the one small table that was in the corner of the kitchen. It sat by the door with only two chairs at either side, and was mainly used by the regiment chef. Kira would wait to cook for herself until after most people went to bed anyways, so being alone wasn't a problem. Kira continued to stir the vegetable mixture inside the pot. His footsteps were loud enough for her to hear him long before he entered the kitchen. Miche was better at sneaking than he was.
Pulling out a bowl for herself, she gently poured the vegetable stew into one of the flimsy wooden bowls and spoons that she had just thoroughly cleaned. Kira hesitantly sat down at the opposite side of the table when Erwin had gestured to the seat.
Whatever he had to say would most likely be quick, just like the other times. She placed the freshly cooked food onto the table in front of her, watching it intently from behind her hood. She'd have to throw out the rest. Though it would be wasteful, since her back was turned she couldn't see what was going on with the pot behind her.
"Are you not going to eat?" He asked, taking quick notice of how the girl didn't make a move to touch her bowl. When she didn't move he stood up, grabbing his own bowl and spoon and fixing himself a serving of the stew. He sat back down and placed the bowl down before glancing at her. "I thought it'd be better if I ate as well, therefore both of us have our hands occupied at all times." What was he doing? Clearly he noticed the tension of distrust that surrounded her, he pointed it out himself.
Erwin stood up again when she didn't move, and walked to the opposite end of the kitchen. He opened one of the cabinets on the ground and pulled out a small leather briefcase. It looked worn and overused, and was definitely too small to be carrying something dangerous. He brought it back to the table, placing it between them. Kira reached for her thigh strap when Erwin moved to open the case. He opened it slowly, with great care, and it made Kira move her hand away from her dagger.
It was a board game. It had a checkered ground with thirty-two pieces. Erwin silently organized the board, placing sixteen pieces on the side in front of Kira before doing the same to the side in front of him. The first row had the same piece in every black and white square, while the background had a mirror image of its opposite side. The two pieces in the center back row were the only ones that didn't have a matching piece.
"Have you ever played?" Erwin asked when he finished organizing the pieces. Kira shook her head. They weren't allowed useless past times. "It's a thinking game. One where the best strategy wins," He moved one of the pieces in the front row up two spaces. "On its first move, a Pawn can move up to two spaces straight forward."
She didn't like games. They always had something more behind it. It was never a game for the fun of it, something else was there. A reward and a punishment. What punishment would he be thinking of? How severe? Could she make a quick escape now and write a note that she felt fatigued?
No, it wouldn't be believable. Kira mirrored his move. Looking up from the board, she saw Erwin's amused smile. She didn't like it. Those expressions never had pleasant endings. Erwin moved another Pawn forward, this time, only moving it once space up. Kira did the same.
"Bishops can move any number of spaces, but they can only move diagonally," He moved his bishop so it sat two rows in front of his pawns. This time, instead of copying his move, Kira pointed to the piece that resembled a horse. "The Knight moves in an 'L' shape. Either one space horizontally and two spaces vertically, or two spaces horizontally and one space vertically in any direction. It is the only piece that can jump over the others," Kira slid her finger over one space to point at the piece that looked like a pillar. "The Rook moves any number of spaces either vertically or horizontally," She pointed at the two pieces in the center. "The King can move in any direction, but only one space. The Queen can move anywhere in as many spaces as desired."
Kira grabbed the horse, Knight, moving it to jump over one of her pawns and stand at the furthest right of the board. Erwin curled an eyebrow, and moved another pawn up once space. Kira moved the pawn in front of her King forward. Erwin moved the bishop one space upward diagonally.
"Checkmate." He told her as he placed his hand down. Kira moved her hand down under the table, ready to unstrap her dagger as her eyes focused intently on him. She had just lost in three moves. How miserable. Such inadequacy couldn't be left unpunished, right? She'd have to move before he got a chance to reveal his form of retribution.
"Let's eat." He said, grabbing a hold of his spoon and taking a generous bite. His eyebrows raised in slight surprise at the flavorsome taste of the stew, but Kira hadn't moved to follow him.
Is that it? It couldn't be, right? Force her to eat and then disclose the truth about whatever discipline he had in mind. She slowly raised her left hand, keeping her right by her side and lowered her scarf slightly. She ducked her head to compensate for the lack of coverage and used the shadow casted by her hood to keep her comfortable enough to raise the spoon to her mouth and eat.
Erwin took another bite, taking the pieces off the board and putting them back in the briefcase. He stood up after the table was cleaned and Kira grabbed the edge of her dagger.
"You have a talent for cooking."
Kira watched him leave the kitchen with his bowl and small case in hand. That couldn't be it. He'll put the case away and come back for the punishment. She could leave, but it would only make her suspicious. She'd have to wait. Once he came back, she'd kill him and run. No, it would be too obvious to blame her for the murder.
Kira sat for half an hour. She didn't take another bite and kept her right hand directly beside her knife as she watched the entryway intently the entire time. However, Erwin did not return. She ate quickly after waiting another twenty eight minutes, and returned to her room.
Maybe her punishment would come tomorrow.
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Outside on the perch, Kira placed another bowl beside Levi. Despite getting the sleep he desperately needed, he still rejected training hours. Kira was growing impatient. Was a night's rest not enough to stop the 'mourning'? How much time is supposed to be acceptable for this type of feeling? She'd found herself in the regiment's library that morning, searching every dictionary and work of literature she could to see what is normal for 'mourning'.
Forever? How unsatisfactory. How could this slow someone down for the rest of their life? Will Levi truly let this drag him until he dies? Does he not find that ridiculously unproductive? All the characters and definitions described years of emptiness and sluggish behavior. Did he not realize that the less connection he has, the faster he can grow to be the strongest?
Levi didn't take the porridge again that night, and her desire to surpass him was dwindling. Clearly she had nothing to prove. He was as weak as the rest. There really was something so unsettling about wasted potential, but it was no surprise that she came out on top once again. She was still useful. That couldn't be questioned now.
She gripped her knife, taking careful steps towards him after Levi had rejected the bowl. She'd kill him. It had been a full twenty-four hours since he'd gotten his rest and his behavior still hadn't changed. There was no adjusting him anymore. Her muscle memory allowed her to spin the dagger from her thigh strap into her palm. Her right arm swung back slightly and quickly stuck down on its oblivious target.
Kira's eyes widened as she slid across the floor, narrowly regaining her footing in time for a proper landing. She ducked when a fist swung in front of her, barely having time to block the kick aimed at her head with her forearm. Levi tilted his head to avoid the knife that swooped below his eye, lifting his left hand and knocking Kira's arm out of the way as he aimed another punch at her abdomen with his opposite hand.
Kira let her body spin toward her arm, completing a fast back handspring to create distance between them and recuperate. Wasn't he just oblivious to his surroundings? Hasn't his body been shutting down for months? Didn't he just reject the third food offering she'd given him so his body would continue to shrivel as it slowly decomposed? Wasn't he refusing to go to any training?
How can he still move like this? She ducked again, sprinting under his leg and jumping to a higher perch. He was supposed to be weak now. Weak enough for an easy defeat. So, why was he so close to overpowering her?
She placed the knife back in her thigh strap, leaping down from the pillar she crouched on and walking out the door back to the inside of the building. Her fingernails dug into her palms, alternating between stabbing her palms and the pads of her fingers. She walked down to the kitchen and something revolting bubbled in her stomach.
How weak was she? How pathetic, losing to someone who 'mourned'. She went outside the kitchen to the patch of farmable land that she'd used, ripping out the carrots from the ground and roughly tugging the bean pods from their sprouts. She'd struggled to hold her own against a man who was allowing death to consume him. A truly unforgivable feat.
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She stirred the mixture faster tonight. Her kitchen etiquette was sloppy tonight as well. She'd splashed water onto the counter when she was cleaning the pot. It seemed like everything she'd been doing was a punishable offence. Kira knew she deserved it. The Shed, the basement, the quiet. All of it was well deserved after how insufficient she'd been behaving.
She let her thoughts run while she ate, each spoonful of the rice and vegetable was unworthy and she knew it. Having the privilege of eating after such a disgraceful loss in a fight with a 'mourning' man was something she wasn't good enough for.
At the same time, this meant that Levi wasn't just a waste of a person. His reflexes had been spot on, though his reaction time seemed to lag behind. Even so, his sluggish reactions were fast enough to catch her off guard, so he at his best had to be a sight to behold. The strength in him could return. He wasn't a complete loss cause, but it was more than obvious that she would have to work harder than ever before if she wanted to surpass him.
Erwin sat across from her with his own bowl on the table. He pulled out the briefcase from yesterday, which Kira now knew was a board game, and took his time setting up the pieces. He chose not to outwardly acknowledge the fact that the short soldier hadn't stopped eating even though he sat down across from her. Instead, even though she had never shown her face, let alone a drop of emotion, he'd like to think that he was smart enough to recognize when someone was deeply invested in their thoughts. He was well aware of what that aura felt like in a room, his office had the same feeling almost every second of every day.
Kira put her spoon down once she noticed that Erwin was done setting up the board. Erwin made the same first move that he did the first time, and Kira copied him as she did before. He moved another pawn up two spaces, to which Kira copied, before moving his Knight in a vertical 'L' shape that allowed it to sit one row above the Pawns on the furthest left of the board. This time, Kira moved her first Bishop diagonally along the white spaces until it sat two rows in front of her opponent's Pawns.
Erwin moved one of his Pawns two spaces upward, and Kira hastily took the piece on her next turn using her Bishop. Erwin let out a breath of a chuckle through his nose, taking the Bishop from her with another Pawn.
"Pawns can diagonally attack," he informed. "I could've also used my Knight to move up and steal your piece. Your positioning was too obvious." He would never understand how ironic his advice was. A trained assassin's positioning was too obvious. Kira did not like this game very much, but found herself moving another piece in order to beat him.
"Alright," The game ended in eleven moves. Better than last time, but still a pitiful defeat. Kira clenched her left fist. Finally, his punishment from both her last loss and this one was going to be given. "Let's eat."
Slowly, Kira raised her spoon to her mouth and took a bite as Erwin copied just a second later. It had to be impossible. What was the point of winning and losing if there was no forfeit? Wasn't she going to be placed somewhere to think about her mistakes? For public humiliation?
Erwin reorganized all the pieces after the both of them took another bite of food. She noticed that he didn't pack it up after moving them around this time.
"Would you like to play one more round?"
And again, there was no punishment.
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"I don't know what you're trying to do, and I don't care. Leave me the hell alone, brat." Levi spoke angrily as he side-eyed the bowl of steaming porridge beside him. Kira ignored her first reaction to back away, especially after their physical altercation where she couldn't claim that she bested him. She sat a few feet away from him, keeping enough space that she determined she could block any attempt at a surprise attack if he chose to try and fight again.
Levi glared over at her as she placed her hands on her lap. He'd truly had enough of Faith's constant presence. It was true, no matter how much he despised admitting it, he was hurting, grieving, and mourning more than he ever had before. So, why couldn't she just leave him alone? Was this her attempt at rubbing the loss in his face? Starting a fight with him to prove that they couldn't fulfill their mission when all three of them were here.
He knew that she would come out here again. It was the same time for the past three nights, and yet he went back anyway. He'd felt that shitty short build up of uneasiness everytime he didn't go to training, he could feel the short soldier's piercing stare burn his back and it irritated him to no end. What the hell was she trying to do? Shove food down his throat? Everyone had left him alone, yet the tiny brat just kept coming back. Even after almost pummeling the soldier, though she was quick on her feet, she came back the next day. At this point, he'd accepted it.
He huffed as he snatched the bowl off the ground, feeling that same stare pick at his every move. He clenched and unclenched his jaw in annoyance as he begrudgingly lifted the spoon into his mouth, and only then did he notice that it wasn't the usual shit food that the regiment fed the soldiers each and every night without fail. It was a stew, with perfectly cooked rice, diced vegetables and a flavourful broth.
"What the hell is this?" He asked, rolling his eyes when he got no response. "Have you ever done anything besides use your shitty eyes to stare at people?" Again, he got no response, so he chose to just scoff before taking another spoonful of food.
Kira sat there until he finished the meal before she stood up to make her way down the usual path to the kitchen. Levi could only glare at the empty bowl in his hands as the door closed behind him.
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"Excuse me. I had a meeting with the Commander," Erwin sat across from her again. He'd come in later than he did the past two nights, but so did she. Kira nodded her head. What was the point of apologizing? "It seems I've forgotten the board. Just a moment." He excused himself from the table and exited the kitchen.
Why does he keep coming back? But she couldn't ask that question without asking herself why she keeps returning as well. She could just make her dinner and eat it somewhere else. She enjoys the night breeze, why didn't she choose to immediately eat outside after Erwin found her the first night. It's not like she wants to sit here for fifty-eight minutes and play a board game with no aggressive forfeits. How stupid, pathetic, weak.
She got up to leave and thoroughly cleaned the same bowl she used before placing it on the drying rack. She got ready to throw the rest of the food she made that night. It was always only enough for three bowls, just in case she wanted any extra. She always made it fresh to lower the risk of it being tampered with or adjusted in any way without her knowledge. There was enough left for one bowl. That was the same the past two nights. But tonight, one person hadn't eaten.
Should she leave it out? What did it matter? Didn't he eat with the others at dinner anyways? He just came here to see what she was doing, he doesn't need the food she made. The meeting he mentioned must've excluded him from the normal regiment's dinner, so he was most likely relying on this meal to make up for it. What does it matter to her? It doesn't.
"Oi," Kira paused from emptying the pot, moving it to the counter as Levi walked behind her to get to the sink. "Who made this shit?"
"Oh, Levi." Erwin placed the case on the table as he greeted the shorter man, who stared blankly at him in return. Kira quickly sat down at the table, moving the chair she usually sat on to face the wall so she could see every part of the kitchen as she sat. Erwin scraped the last of the stew into the bowl that he grabbed and moved the second chair to sit across from Kira. "What are you doing at this hour?"
"Nothing that matters." Levi quipped as he pulled out a kettle from the bottom shelf and placed it in the sink to clean and fill with water before resting it on the stove to boil.
Erwin allowed the comment to pass and set up the board as usual. Levi rested his shoulder against the far wall with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched Erwin move a Chess pawn and scoffed. Kira made her move as her eyes switched from the board in front of her to the side of the kitchen Levi was in.
The Squad Leader took notice of Faith's change in demeanor and turned to find the two soldiers glaring at each other. Though he couldn't see Faith's eyes, from Levi's sturdy and slightly offensive stance, he could tell she was staring right back at him. The kettle's whistle made Levi's attention turn elsewhere as Kira focused back on the game in front of her.
"Levi," The black haired soldier faintly turned his head as he dipped the tea bag into his cup. "What would you do?" Fully turning his body, Levi saw Erwin using his hand to point to the board in between him and Faith. The pieces on the board had been scattered in the middle, one side less strategically scattered than the other.
"You play like a child." Levi took the last Knight that Kira had and moved it horizontally in an 'L' pattern. "The point is to protect the King. Stop wasting all of your pieces going after it, you'll lose like an idiot."
Kira analysed the move he made and saw Erwin bring his right hand up to his chin as he thought about his next point of attack. One of her moves had never made him think for more than forty seconds, but one move from Levi had him stumped for a minute and a half.
Levi walked away from the table and took the tea bag out of his cup before throwing it out. Erwin completed his next move and Levi felt a familiar, annoying, stare pierce his back before he could make a swift exit. He turned around to see Faith looking at him.
Now that he was in an area with extra light, he could see that the soldier's legs barely scraped the ground even though she sat at the edge of her seat. She had a piece in her hand, and now that he was paying attention, he could see how her hand and the game piece were close to the same size.
He rolled his eyes when Erwin turned to look at him as well, an expectant look on his face. This was truly the last place Levi wanted to be in. He walked back to the table and leaned his shoulder against the wall while examining the board.
Erwin took a bite of his food as Levi said some backhanded insult while Faith followed where his finger pointed with her Rook in hand.
Finally, two of his most powerful assets worked together.
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TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
THE PRODUCT YOU SEEK HAS ENTERED HERSELF INTO THE SURVEY REGIMENT. DUE TO HER HIGH-CALIBER, I ESTIMATE NONE OF YOU WILL COME CLOSE TO HER PHYSICAL TALENTS AS OF NOW.
I ENCOURAGE YOU TO ASSIGN YOUR BEST THREE SOLDIERS INTO THE SURVEY CORPS TO FOLLOW AFTER HER. SHE HAS PROVED HERSELF, AS WELL AS INSPIRING OTHERS, TO BE DISOBEDIENT.
THIS BEHAVIOR HAS CAUSED DETRIMENTAL LOSS TO ONE-THIRD OF THE FUTURE GENERATION OF SOLDIERS. NO FURTHER TRANSFERS OR RECOMMENDATIONS HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED. I IMPLORE YOU TO FIND AND CAPTURE HER ALIVE.
THEIR INVESTMENT IN THIS PRODUCT HAS GROWN EXPONENTIALLY. THESE FUNDS WILL NOT GO TO WASTE.
HE HAS RETURNED HOME TO PROVIDE DISCIPLINE ONCE SHE ARRIVES.
TRAIN AS IF YOUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT. IF SHE IS INVOLVED, THEY DO.
T; L.
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Next Up: Chapter Five - The Fall of Shiganshina
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Note: This is a "filler" chapter, though I think it's definitely important to establish some ground-level connections between everyone. Also got some interesting new ideas in this chapter. What, or who, is T; L.? What are they sending?
As always, I hope you liked reading and the next chapter will come out shortly! See ya!