This isn't the first time I've felt this way. It always happens, no matter how hard I try. I try to become unattached, ignore them all together, and it still happens. It's even worse when I actually care for the people or want to stay.
It's unenviable.
It may happen in a week- sometimes longer. Sometimes it's them that send me back, leaving me alone and abandoning me. I've become so accustomed to it that it became comforting. It became part of my routine.
And now? It feels like it snuck up on me out of nowhere. I hadn't even realized how long I have stayed here until the cold grasp of the unknown and loneliness wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a blistering day. It's only been a day since the feeling reappeared and it already feels like I'm drowning.
The urge to run, to move, to leave is overwhelming. Keeping me up at night, keeping me emotionless as the day rolls on.
It's like an itchy scarf stapled to your neck. Painful and uncomfortable.
I should have known this would happen when I realized that I have been here before. It never really registered until now. I lived here, my life ended here. I close my eyes tightly the sound of screeching tires and sirens filling my ears, the past mocking me.
"Terra?" A voice snaps me out of my trance. The suffocating feeling lingering in the background as I try to return to the world. My eyes slowly focus on Stiles crouching in front of me.
I slowly turn my head my eyes landing on each of his friends. Their stares lingering as they inspect me wondering where I went while they were talking. I grunt slightly in response.
"We were just talking about Derek."
"Yeah, mhm, Derek."
My eyes carelessly wander around the room until they land on the open window again. The trees beckoning me to join them, to run through them and get lost. To emerge from the forest in another town, new people, new places, new everything.
The hand wraps tighter around my throat, another weight added to my chest as the feeling emerges from the background. It's never been this bad before, that is, except for once. But that was different. That was a long time ago.
My mind aimlessly wanders as my chest constricts under the mental weight. My "friends" muttering in the background, their faces blurring out of focus.
Not being able to take it any more at the moment, I rise from my seat on Scott's bed and exit the room. Ignoring Stiles' and Scott's protests I journey through the house. From the corner of my eye I witness Stiles bolt out of the room, hesitating by the door when he realizes that I'm not actually leaving the house.
I guess they already think I'm going to bolt. Maybe it won't matter to them when I actually do. Or maybe they hope I do follow my instinct.
Stiles returns to the room, a solemn expression etched onto his face. I study the family pictures that line the walls. Few of them include a male figure. I vaguely recognize the man but cannot recall from where. My fingers trace the outlines of their smiles, their glimmering teeth mocking me from the past.
The arms carelessly wrapped around each other remind me of a past that I do not have. A future that will never be possible. A photo near the bottom of the stairs captures Scott mid-laugh as his mother's arms wrap around him, her nimble fingers tickling his stomach.
I try to recall the last time I laughed like that, the last time I was held like that. But my mind draws a blank.
I crouch down by a dent in the wooden floor. My fingers graze over the imperfection, history and a story hidden in the slight hole.
My heart longs for what Scott has. What Stiles has. Even what Malia has. They have a family, and even though it isn't a full family what they lack they make up for with friends. They have all their lives dedicated to one place. Whereas my story travels around the country. Only gracing one home for weeks at a time.
I don't know why they did this to me. Why they changed me. It suddenly angers me, my eyes stinging as my emotions rage. Did they want me to become attached only so they could kick me out? Just like everyone else? Were they just bored, and decided that I would be fun to play with?
It wouldn't be the first time. Orphans are easy targets.
We have no one to care if we get hurt. If our souls are scared from mental and physical abuse. No one cares. Not even the social workers who are assigned to us. All we are is another case. And the foster families- they don't care. All we are is food tokens. Merely objects to the state. A blemish of an unwilling family or a deceased one.
My conscious returns to the present as a figure shakes my arm gently. I slowly focus in on the face again. Stiles.
"Hey, we're all leaving now. It's time to go home."
Home. My mind lingers on that one word. It seems to echo in my head, the single word reverberating through it. I nod soundlessly as I follow the brunette to his trusty jeep.
Stiles' fingers nervously tap on the steering wheel as we drive through the wooded area of town. His constant glances over at me go unacknowledged as we travel further from Scott's house and closer to his. I can tell a question is hanging onto the tip of his tongue, awaiting its chance to escape the confinements that is his mouth.
As expected Stiles breaks the silence, "Are you ok? You didn't say anything that whole time."
I nod, not knowing how to explain the suffocating feeling to someone who has never experienced it before. Suddenly the car comes to a stop, the wheels resting on the rocky soil on the shoulder of the road.
Stiles slams his hands on the steering wheel abruptly, causing me to jump a little in my seat and turn to face him.
"Terra, I'm trying to understand you, what's going on, but you have to help me." He takes a deep breath before continuing, a calmer tone taking over his voice, "I want to help you Terra, please."
I shake in my seat, my walls crumbing with each word. And in the first time in what feels like ages, I initiate the action. I reach across the console and hold onto Stiles. Digging my face into his chest I stifle the sobs that are threatening to escape me. The uncomfortable grip around my throat tightens as Stiles holds me closer to him. His arms wrapping around me, as his fingers tangle in my hair. He slowly rubs circles on my back as I shake in sadness and despair.
I try to ignore the feeling. At least for now.
❂
I adjust my position for what feels like the thousandth time. My legs stick to the sheets, a cold sweat lingering on my limbs. The thin wall that divides my room from Stiles does nothing to block out the sound of his fingers hammering on his keyboard. I glance at the clock the flashing numbers showing that it is past midnight.
Soft curses come from Stiles' room accompanied by the sound of a laptop being slammed shut.
I argue with myself mentally before kicking off the sheets and clambering across the room to my door. I hesitate slightly at Stiles' door, still debating the idea.
I push Stiles' door open softly, knocking on the door frame to get Stiles' attention.
"Hey," He grunts, shuffling through papers that are strewn around the room. "Couldn't sleep?" He pauses looking up from his papers to observe me.
I can clearly imagine what he is seeing. The broken image of a girl. My hair disheveled from thrashing in bed, purple bruises under my eyes from lack of sleep, chapped lips, and hollow eyes.
I avert my gaze, my eyes roaming around his room. This is the first time that I actually noticed all of the images and strings covering his wall. "Yeah, apparently neither could you."
Stiles follows my gaze, "What this?" I nod. "Yeah, I guess, I'm not really the best when it comes to sleeping, and stuff."
Closing the door softly behind me I make my way over the Stiles' bed. I sit cross legged at the end of his bed, watching Stiles on the ground rummaging through papers.
"What is all of this?"
"Something I do that helps me figure stuff out. Hasn't really been working though."
My eyes follow all the red lines connecting pictures and places and places and things. "What does the red string mean?"
"Unsolved." Stiles grumbles under his breath, his tone carrying a hint of discourage. "So what's keeping you up?"
I hesitate, the lengthy silence causing Stiles to look up from his papers again, "Nightmares."
This seems to tickle his curiosity bone because he quickly drops what he is doing and comes to sit next to me on the bed. "Of what?"
I avert my gaze again, "I don't really want to talk about it."
I'm suddenly pulled into an embrace, Stiles' chin resting on my head. I listen to his steady heartbeat as he keeps me close to him. I don't push him away like I usually would. Because somehow I know- I just have a feeling- that this will be the last time he does it.
Stiles slowly pulls away, his eyes studying my features, taking in every aspect of my face. And then he smiles. Not a cocky smile, or a cheery one. A smile of sympathy, a smile that says, "I understand," A smile that reveals part of his past. Something that he has experienced.
My eyes widen slightly when I realize that he is leaning forward. Our faces only inches apart. He's not going to-
My thoughts go blank as Stiles gently kisses my forehead. The gesture reminding me of what Isaac did before leaving. It almost hurt to think about what I was planning on doing later, the feeling becoming incredibly stronger with just that simple action.
When he pulls away, he sports a cautious smile. Almost as if he didn't know he was actually going to do that, he just did. Stiles gently pushes me down on his bed, my head falling softly onto his pillow. Before I can protest Stiles cuts me off, "You can sleep here, I'll sleep on the ground."
I comply, letting my eyes flutter shut as he pulls the blankets around me. Stiles' scent envelopes me as he returns to his papers and I try to sleep.
As the time ticks by Stiles' slows down his research, checking on me from his post. I drift in and out of consciousness, the weight on my chest making it difficult to stay.
The soft sound of Stiles snoring fills the room when I awaken again. I watch Stiles from his bed, a small trail of drool falling from his mouth. I laugh under my breath before examining his room more closely. I escape from Stiles' bed and approach the wall by the window that caught my eye.
My mouth falls open when I realize why. In the middle of the wall, where several red strings seem to meet is a picture of me. Stiles said something about me being an unsolved case before, I just didn't think he actually meant it.
The strings attach to a variety of pictures. One being of a bear trap connected to a werewolf, symbolizing when I got the bite. Another string attached to my picture connects to the forest, where I met him. But the one that catches my eye the most is the one of a dark fox. Black smoke rising from the creature's tail, fireflies lighting the sky around it. Scribbled on the bottom of the picture in messy handwriting is the work 'nogitsune.'
What is a Nogitsune?
I shake the thought away, remembering the real reason why I woke up. It's time to leave.
I return to my room for a moment, only to retrieve my father's leather jacket and to change into some warmer clothes. I then soundlessly creep into Stiles' room again, hopping not to disturb him on my way out.
I crouch down by Stiles, examining the way the moles of his face create a unique constellation. But soon all he will be is a memory. Just one more person who I left before they could leave me. Before either of us could get hurt. I gingerly place a kiss on his forehead, remembering the similar gesture that he did to me before I fell asleep. Stiles stirs slightly before settling in again.
My eyes trail over the wall adorning my evidence again. Before I can change my mind or fight with myself I hastily grab a post-it note from his desk. Scribbling to words to the yellow paper I post the note under my picture. Maybe once he solves my case he can forget about me.
A single tear falls onto the window sill as I climb out of the house that has sheltered me. I disappear into the dark forest for good, not sparing a second glance back at the Stilinski household.
And history repeats itself. For I am running again, leaving nothing but a single post-it note revealing my true identity.
Terra Blake.
♋
A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. And can I just say, this chapter was really emotional for me to write. Idk if it's any good but tell me what you think. And I love Terra x Stiles. So if you guys want to you can help me come up with a ship name. Yes, no, idk, im weird. Thanks for reading, love you lots. <3 (re-edited 3/8/15) and special thanks to @LiveLoveLostRepeat for coming up with a ship name! The official name for Stiles x Terra is Sterra!
edited 9/29/16