thank you for being patient with me <3
billie
okay I've sorted the bus
we have like three hotel stays before
we get to NY
make sure I'm sharing with louis
and I can just swap with harry or
something
angel you're a genius
ugh I could kiss you rn
what are you waiting for?
angel 😩
also I still haven't seen your piercings
I cant stop thinking about them
hmm
check snap
I've never sent a nude before and I'm not about to, especially because I hate my body.
I do love my nipples now their pierced though.
snapchat to bil-
snapchat from bil-
i lock my phone and slide it into my back pocket, walking into the 'living room' where lisa is sitting with her laptop on the table. "hi love, are you okay?"
"yeah i'm okay, you know i'm swapping buses tonight, right?"
"oh already? are they here?"
"no but they'll meet us at the hotel i think"
after billie spoke to harry a few days ago, they decided he was coming on tour, with Louis, until we get to New York in two weeks.
we're staying at another hotel tonight but billie has interviews so I'm not gonna see her until after the concert.
as soon as we get to the hotel she's gotta go straight to an interview and then theres two in-between soundcheck and the concert.
billie has a radio interview first thing in the morning so she's gonna have to sleep early, so I hope theres no problems with harry and Louis.
I'm so scared for them to see me.
I didn't think anything was going to change but revealing myself was always scary.
my mental health hasn't really improved much and i've barely been eating but i'm not bad.
it could be worse.
"i love those poems you sent me, do you have any ideas of the order or the cover?"
"honestly no, i've just been writing a lot"
"well there's no rush because obviously billies album is more important but when you can, have a think about what you want because you have a lot more freedom than your first book" lisa smiles, turning back to her laptop to carry on her work.
gayboy
i'm bored
Same
wow great response louis
really cured my boredom
SORRY
tell me something Louis
I got railed last night #bottom
LOUIS NO
We tried a new position
It was fun
I don't wanna know
please
Any updates with you and
mystery girl?
not really
Damn
Have you still been seeing her?
yeah, everyday lol
Oooooo
Are you happy?
with her? yes.
in general? eh
Wanna talk about anything?
idk what to say. I've just not been feeling
myself, you know?
and I hate my body like a lot right now
I know what you mean
I'm sorry
I'll come and see you when i
get back to NY
i'm not in ny rn lol
where are you?
*sends 8 ball pool*
via instagram stories @ monarch
i get an incoming facetime call from billie and i answer it, grinning at her angry face. "where the fuck did you get that picture?"
"i have my sources" i smirk at her.
"i hate you"
"i know"
i lean back in my seat and admire billie, her beautiful face on my phone lifting my mood instantly.
"i feel like it's been days since i've seen you" i admit, pouting a little.
"i know baby, i have an idea tonight, you're gonna have to trust me"
"i don't like the sound of that"
"i promise it's nothing bad"
"what are you doing anyways?"
"writing, i feel like i can't write without you now"
"what have you got? i'll help you"
i spend the rest of the bus ride on facetime with billie, finneas joining while we talk about music.
it's been a good balance of writing music so far and we've made progress on a lot of shit, having ideas for things we can create other than the music.
we have one song completely finished, working hard hard with the lyrics and it's nothing like billies other music and love it.
via instagram stories @ billieeilish
via instagram stories@ monarch
via instagram stories @ billieeilish
via instagram stories @ monarch
when I get to the hotel room I realise I'm supposed to be sharing a room with Louis so billies stuff isn't here.
fuck, I wanted to steal one of her hoodies.
if the plans goes well I'll be moving back into billies room. I'm hoping harry tells billie so I don't have to keep hiding this secret from her for much longer, I just pray she isn't mad at me.
billie
harry just text me
they're at the hotel
also fuck you for your story
fuck.
I pace around the room, waiting for the knock on the door but it never arrives.
I decide just to sit on the bed and do some drawing, killing time before they come up. it seems like they aren't here because Lisa calls me to let me know that we're going to the venue.
I didn't even realise I'd been drawing and writing for hours but I'm not bothered, I'm just glad I didn't have to meet harry and Louis right now.
I throw my crew shirt on, making sure I don't look bad and going into the hall waiting with Lisa.
"of billie said bring a change of clothes because y'all are going somewhere after the show"
huh?
via instagram stories @ billieeilish
via instagram stories @ monarch
billie
BRO
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU
GET THAT PHOTO
i have no idea
HAILEY BIEBER FOLLOWS
YOU
JUSTIN IS GONNA SEE IT
ok?
imma send it to justin lol
my fans have already reposted it
tagging him
my life is over
sounds like a you problem
angel 😫
yes?
i'm getting roasted rn
as you should 😌
we get to the arena and I go straight into the green room with finneas, waiting for billie to arrive from her interview.
"thanks for the photos, the fans are loving it" I grin at finneas, scrolling through peoples reactions.
"she knows I sent them and is threatening to post some photos she has of me"
"she's declaring war"
there's a knock at the door and billie walks in, followed by harry and Louis. when they both spot me on the couch they freeze, the colour draining out of Harrys face and Louis grinning widely.
"no fucking way" Louis practically runs over and dives on top of me, wrapping his arms around me. "of course it's you! oh my god"
"hi Louis"
I look back up and harry is still stood near the door, looking like he's gonna be sick. he glances between billie and I and his eyes land on me.
does he think I'd tell her?
harry shakes his head and strides into the room, sitting opposite Louis and I with billie. "what a surprise! how are you gabby?"
"oh uh we're not allowed to use her real name" billie interrupts, looking annoying at his attitude.
"so I'm supposed to call you angel?"
"or Edith" I grin at billie, shaking my head at the name choice.
"you suit Edith" Louis laughs, pulling out his phone.
everyone falls into silence and goes onto their phones and you could cut the tension with a knife.
billie
can I leave?
billie he's your 'boyfriend'
idgaf
I wanna kiss you
too bad
did you bring a change of clothes?
I brought a hoodie..
one of yours to be precise
imma have no clothes left
that's the plan ;)
billie coughs outloud with a smirk and crosses her legs, making eye contact with me before looking back to her phone.
harry
You haven't told Billie have you?
no
calm the fuck down
Good
I'm telling her soon
I don't care honestly
gayboy
Billie is mystery girl?
surprise
Jesus fuck
I wasn't expecting that
no-one knows and it needs to
stay that way
you need to talk to harry
About?
telling billie
she's getting suspicious and
we're gonna be together the
next two weeks
the sooner she knows the better
I know he needs to tell her
but it's his responsibility, you know?
it could change a lot
it's not gonna change anything
billie might be mad for a bit but
what's she gonna do? she
needs this 'relationship' as much as he does
and it means you can be open with
your relationship in front of her
I know
there's so much tension
cause I think she's catching on
"billie soundcheck" mike knocks on the door and billie groans, standing up and leaving the room swiftly with finneas.
leaving me alone with gayboy and his bum buddy.
we're all looking between each other and I know that if harry wasn't being such a dick, there would be no tension.
"tell her" I blurt. "you're immediately thinking the worst is gonna happen and you and I both know realistically that isn't gonna fucking happen"
"how would you know?" harry spits and I roll my eyes. "am I with her everyday? yes. she's with a WOMAN, a woman she's never hid from you for that matter. she's not exactly gonna tell anyone, is she? I know and I've kept your dirty little secret hidden"
"but what if-"
I cut him off frustrated. "but nothing. you're being too much of a pussy to tell one of your best friends that you're in love with a man because you're scared something bad will happen. would you act like this is Louis was a girl? cause I fucking dont"
"you don't get it"
"what is there to get? billie knows your family are very strict and probably fucking homophobic. she's not gonna tell cara because cara deserves to hear from YOU, like she'd tell your family anyways. I've known cara since I was a kid and I know she's gonna be crushed, not because you're in love but the fact you've kept such a big part of your life hidden from her. what's the worst that gonna happen? billie knows and you can be open in front of her with someone you're ovbiously in love with"
Louis is just staring at me and Harrys eyes are watering.
"coming out to the people closest in your life is the hardest thing to do. I've got a lot of family who are unsupportive and pretend it's not a thing when me being gay is who I am. I don't give a fuck what they think as long as I'm happy and I have the people I love around me. don't be a fucking dick harry and tell your fucking girlfriend"
I leave the room without another word, grabbing my bag and storming down the hall, in search of Lisa.
I can't leave without her.
I pull the hoodie over my head and find Lisa talking with Maggie at the side of the arena. I have angry tears streaming down my face and I need to go outside. "Lisa" they both turn their heads towards me and Lisa excuses herself, rushing towards me to see what's wrong.
"I need to get out of here right now"
at the corner of my eye I see billie looking at us but I don't care right now, I need air.
Lisa and I walk outside and dash out the staff entrance, towards the town to get some coffee.
"what happened?"
"harry still hasn't told billie he's dating Louis and I just snapped. I'm pissed at him because he's leaving me with this secret I know is hurting billie and I don't want her to be mad at me when she finds out I knew"
"she's gonna be mad at harry if anyone, not you"
"he's also not told cara, who's another person I'm hiding this from. like I get his parents are homophobic but so what? I don't speak to half of my family because they don't agree with my views but has that stopped me? hell fucking no. I'm not gonna stop being myself to please other people"
"I get you're angry, I understand. but you've got to think about his career. if or when this comes out it's gonna be all over the news. he could lost followers, jobs and fans. he could lose is family, his everything. it's a big step for him, just remember that"
via instagram stories @ billieeilish
billie
come back to the arena
we need to talk
oh fuck.
this is where she yells at me, ends the contract and kicks me off the tour.
ok I guess this is it.
Lisa and I walk back into the arena, walking past the crowds of fans and queues of people eager to get in.
I take a deep breath and walk into the green room, keeping my head down and close the door. as soon as the door is shut I'm pushed against the wall, someone lifting my head up and crashing their lips to mine.
I close my eyes and melt into the kiss, missing the taste of billie. my arms immediately wrap around her shoulders and I push off onto the wall, moving so her back is against the wall instead of mine.
bille groans into the kiss, reaching inside of my, her, hoodie to come into contact with my bare skin. I gasp into the kiss and pull away, looking into her eyes and puffy lips.
"hi to you too" I whisper grinning and she grins back. "sorry, I got carried away" billie pecks my lips a few times "hmm, you taste of coffee"
"I thought you wanted to talk?" I raise my brow at her and she rolls her eyes "I thought you knew that was code for my lips are missing yours"
"which lips?" I smirk.
billie opens her mouth and a blush covers her cheeks and doesn't reply when the door opens and harry walks in. I quickly step back from billie and cough, wiping my wet lips.
"am I interrupting something?"
"no, what do you want?" billie asks him, moving to sit on the couch. "can I uh can I talk to you....alone" harry coughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.
oh.
"I'll leave you two alone" I give harry and small smile, hoping he's finally telling her and wink at billie, leaving the room.
Louis is sat in the corridor further down on his phone so I go and sit next to him. "is he telling her?"
"yeah"
"fuck" I mutter, running my fingers through my hair.
harry comes out a few minutes after we hear some shouting through the walls and he looks like he's been crying.
oh god.
"she's uh having a tic attack and wanted some alone time" he whips past us into the toilet and I nod for louis to follow him, standing up and walking to the green room.
I hope I don't make things worse.
I knock on quietly, muttering a quiet 'it's me' and opening the door. billie has her head laid back on the back of the couch and it looks like she's having the worst attack I've seen. she's crying, struggling to breathe and her movements are all over the place.
"do you want me to do anything baby?"
"no, it's okay just gimme a min" I carefully sit next to her, making sure not to look at her directly, softly placing my hand on her thigh.
"I'm not mad at you baby, I just FUCK, I'm so hurt by him you know? I don't know what he thought was gonna happen"
"I think he's just scared, I don't know, I shouted at him earlier"
"really? is that why you were upset?" billie is seeming to calm down and she puts her hand onto of mine, squeezing it.
"yeah, I've known since like before you met me in person as angel and I've had to hide it ever since"
"how did you find out?"
"I was going to my hotel room and harry was leaving Louis hotel room at the same time I walked past and I saw then kissing n shit"
"I'm sorry you had to hide it from me for so long"
"it's no-ones fault. cara doesn't know either"
"fuck, this is a mess"
eventually billie calms down completely and although she's got cramp in her neck from the constant head jerks, she went on stage and killed it. the atmosphere around everyone was backstage was weird. it's like they knew something was going on because I've cried, billie has cried and had a tic attack and harry has cried too.
at the end of the performance the crowd was chanting for harry on stage so he ran up, and they played their act of the cutest couple, and billie threw water all over him, screaming when he threw her over his shoulder and ran off the stage.
"I'm so tired' billie pouts, clinging onto me like a lost puppy. "come on, we can go to the hotel and cuddle"
"but I wanted to do something together" billie pouts and I laugh at her cuteness. "we can do something another day I promise"
billie and harry leave together, cuddled up despite the tension, knowing the paps would be at the hotel. billie said she'd move her bags over to my room so when I got back she'd be there and wouldn't have to deal with it.
Louis joined me, finneas, claudia and Lisa in the taxi. It was a silent ride back to the hotel but I wasn't complaining, I didn't really have anything to say.
when I step into the hotel room billie is dragging her large suitcase across the floor, obviously struggling at it's weight.
"hi pretty girl, need some help?"
"no I got it" with a huff billie drops it on the floor, zipping it operand pulling out her charger and stuff for the night.
I follow suit, taking out my toiletries and sleep shirt.
"I have an idea but hear me out first" billie says, plugging her phone in.
"go on"
"would you be okay with us taking a shower together? we can keep our underwear on but I wanna be close to you. you don't have to but I promise you don't have to be uncomfortable around me and I won't look if you don't want me too"
shower? with billie? in my underwear?
I mean at least I have matching underwear on.
billie looks at me with hopeful eyes and I nod my head. "sure, I'm scared as hell though"
"there's no reason to be scared, come on" billie hands me some towels and grabs her stuff, along with her speaker. she connects it to her phone and puts the playlist I have when I feel stressed and need to breathe.
there's a lot of slow and soft songs and I think it's the perfect opportunity to listen to it.
I follow billie into the bathroom, trying to calm myself
down even though i'm screaming inside.
is this really happening?
"okay, do you want to go in first?" billie asks, turning on the water.
"no"
"okay turn around, i'll get undressed and stand under the water with my back turned so you can get dressed okay? i'm not gonna look until you tell me too, I promise"
i nod my head and turn around, trying to control my breathing and ignore the thoughts inside my head.
i head shuffling in the bathroom, the quiet 'fuck' and a groan and i can't help but giggle. "are you okay?"
"getting undressed quickly is a bad idea, I'm nervous"
"you're nervous?" I ask surprised and billie laughs. "yes! I don't like my body and I'm scared for you to see it"
"but you're literally fucking perfect"
"so are you"
I roll my eyes even though she cant see me and ignore what she says. I cant help but feel like she's a liar.
"ok I'm going in, hold up" I hear more shuffling, the shower door opening and closing again. "fuck" billie shouts and I have to stop myself from spinning around to see what's wrong with her. "are you okay?"
"yeah the water is fucking hot, how the fuck do you use this shit?"
"billie you've been to like a million hotels, figure it out"
"okay smart ass, I'm trying"
I wait while she changes the water, my hands shaking with nerves. "okay my back is turned"
I'm still too scared to turn around so I start undressing, starting with my hoodie, shirt and leggings followed by my socks.
I look up at the mirror but the shower has fogged it up so I can't see myself. I take my hair out of it's bun, adjust my underwear to make sure everything is covered and turn around.
the glass shower is fogged up but I can make out her figure.
fuck.
"keep your back turned" I mutter opening the shower door and stepping inside. although this shower is huge, now I'm inside it feels tiny.
billies back is turned to me and I can't help but let my eyes wander up and down her perfect figure.
her ass is perfect and round, Jesus.
"can I turn around now?"
it's now or never.
is never an option?
'saving all my love for you' by Whitney Houston comes on and I can't help but grin. one of my dads favourite songs.
I shake off the thoughts and just try and focus on billie.
"yeah"
billie slowly turns around and her eyes are closed.
ok don't look-
boobs.
if this is what heaven looks like then I'm ready to die.
come on big man, take me.
billie slowly opens her eyes but my eyes are too busy glued to her anime tits to notice. my mouth is wide open.
'cause tonight
is the night for feeling alright
we'll be making love the whole night through
so I'm saving all my love for you'
"Jesus fuck" billie mutters and I look up to her eyes but they're glued to my body. I go to cover my stomach with my arm but she reaches out to stop me. "please" billie makes eye contact with me and I swallow, focusing on her deep stare.
"if I was a boy I'd have a fat fucking hard on right now" billie blurts with a blush and I laugh, closing my eyes.
"I can't believe this is happening right now" I mutter to myself but billie and I are so close I know she can hear me.
"me either baby girl, look at youuu"
"I'd rather not"
"angel look at me"
I hesitantly look down at her and she has a serious gaze, taking hold of both my hands. "it's just me"
"that's the problem"
"you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about I promise you. you're so sexy and fucking beautiful and I'm literally obsessed with you"
I hate getting compliments.
I look away from her and beg myself to stop the tears from pooling in my eyes.
"I wouldn't dream of being here right now with anyone else angel. we're just gonna shower okay? the scariest part is out the way"
"can I hug you?" I whisper and billie nods her head.
I didn't really think this through because billies face comes in direct contact with my cleave and she looks up at me grinning. "ok I am definitely the one dreaming"
"shut the fuck up"
'a song for you' by donny hathaway comes on and we sway side to side, holding onto each other while the song plays, billie harmonising softly.
'I love you in a placeWhere there's no space or timeI love you for my lifeYou're a friend of mineAnd when my life is overRemember when we were togetherWe were aloneAnd I was singing this song to you'
a more upbeat song comes on and billie grabs the washcloth and the shower gel, handing it to me. I start off with her shoulders, and make my way slowly are carefully around her body, being gentle and careful around her porcelain perfect skin.
billie does the same to me, spending extra time on my chest and I slap her around the head, and she just grins up at me, continuing her 'washing'.
we both was our hair beside each other and I laugh out loud when billie gets soap in her eye.
"I don't wanna get out but we're gonna turn into prunes"
"the quicker you get out and clean your teeth, the quicker you can kiss me"
I've never seen a girl get out the shower faster in her life.
billie being billie slips on the wet floor and face palms the floor and I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle my laugh.
"oh my fucking god" billie yells in frustration, making no effort to move. "are you okay?"
"I'm great" I step over her and reach for the towels, making sure to watch the slippy for unlike Bambi here.
huh, bambi. cute.
"here" I throw two towels onto of her and wrap one around my body, and another to wrap around my hair.
billie starts to get up off the floor and I open the bathroom door, stepping into the bedroom, grabbing her pyjamas, which are just a t-shirt and shorts, and leave her to get changed.
I quickly strip my wet underwear off and change into a big t-shirt and shorts too, towel drying my hair and attempting to brush it when she walks back in with a toothbrush in her mouth.
I go into the bathroom and start brushing my teeth, finishing my 'night' routine by putting my glasses on and applying moisturiser.
"time for kisses and cuddles" billie grins, diving into the bed and lifting the bedding, patting the spot next to her.
I lay next to her and smile widely. "thank you bil, for everything"
"I wish you saw yourself the way I see you angel, you're perfect to me"
via instagram stories @ monarch
well hi..long time no see. life has been crazy but I've finally broke the 'writers block' and managed to finish this chapter.
there is SO much crazy stuff happening soon, I cannot wait for y'all to see.
I love you all and I hope you're staying safe out there.