March 6th, 1992
That night, Soundgarden played the second show in town at the Paramount theater for they were filming it to release a live show on video tape. It had been two rough days, Ellie noticed it. Though Chris had promise her not to drink too much, he didn't keep his promise. Part of her understood it for he was with friends. Many of their friends had come to watch the shows and hang around and it usually involved partying like all the other times they had been out with them. On the second night though, things got a little heavier and Chris went on stage intoxicated and that displeased her and worried her all at once. Nevertheless, she watched the show from one side of the stage as she used to whenever she was around to see the band live. Chris liked to see her, so she'd always choose a place where she wasn't too exposed to the crowd but that he could look at and find her there supporting him. They have always been that way since they started dating properly.
He went on stage wearing a pair of black shorts and his black Doc Martens boots and one of his 90's shirt: white with the symbol in black. The band opened the show with Searching with my good eye closed and Ellie testified how even loaded in alcohol, Chris was just amazing for his voice was flawless. As usually they played tight, in tune and Chris had been amazing during the entire show and that alerted Ellie even more. The amounts of alcohol she had seen him drink had been a lot more than usual and he had managed it without stumble or stutter or forget words or fail a note. The show was amazing with a crowd hysterically praising them, and it ended with Chris with no shirt, sweating from head to toe, breaking all his guitar strings after approaching the front row and allow some lucky fans to touch it and finally, he rested it on Matt's drum. He mumbled some last words and dropped the microphone on the stage while Kim still yanked crazy sounds from his guitar. As usual, Ellie held a towel in her hands ready to receive him, and that's where he ran to when he left the stage.
"Fuck..." He breathed breathless as he got in front of her. "I am so tired." He complained.
Ellie opened the towel and stuck it to his chest, but she didn't lean over him as usual to kiss his lips. She just crossed her arms around her chest while he ran the towel over his face. Then, he looked in her eyes and she turned around and started walking away without saying a word and that gesture caught him off guard.
"Ellie!" He called her and started catching up with her. "Wait up..." Chris asked as he got by her side. "You didn't even kiss me." He let her know he noticed it.
"You're all sweaty." She told him, but not looking at him or slowing her pace.
"Well..." He breathed and paused trying to figure out in seconds what could have gone wrong. "... that never stopped you before."
"Chris..." Ellie stopped abruptly and he did too. "... do you even realize how much you have drank today?" She blurted the question without even preparing him for it and he frowned.
"The usual!" He responded after recomposing himself.
"It was not the usual." Ellie pointed out. "I know the usual very well and this was far from the usual. Even yesterday..." She looked in his eyes. "When I got here you were already so wasted..."
"So, is that it?" Chris asked and Ellie shrugged.
"What?" She asked.
"You're mad at me because I had a few drinks?" He hushed for people were starting to pass by. "It never bothered you before."
"No." Ellie shook her head. "I am not mad, Chris."
"You are!" He pointed out, looking in her eyes. "You didn't even wait for me. I had to catch up. You're not like that."
"I'm worried." She said calmly. "That's a lot different."
"Fuck this shit." He cursed and held her hand suddenly. "Come here." Chris said.
Next thing, he opened the door to the toilets that was right beside them and took her inside. Then, he locked the door and leaned against the basin looking at her. For a moment, they just stared at one another without saying a word. Her eyes watered unexpectedly, but she ran her hands over her eyes immediately to dry it. As the adrenalin of the show started to abandon his body, Chris started feeling the effects of the alcohol kicking in and his head was spinning a bit, but he stood firm trying not to show it.
"You have to get your shit together." Ellie broke the silence that had installed between them and tried really hard for her voice not to shake. She was on the verge to cry and she didn't want to.
"I am fine." He told her.
"You can't drink this much..." Ellie continued knowing he would not admit he had exaggerated. "Heaven is going to be here in two months and you have to be in full shape to take care of her."
"What are you talking about?" Chris frowned a little confused. "I know our baby is going to be born and I am going to be just fine..."
"I am saying..." Ellie's voice choked there and she stopped to take a deep breath. "... I might not be here and she'll need you."
Though drunk, he knew exactly what she meant and he felt his whole-body shudder inside from head to toe. That statement had caught him completely by surprise and it was like a lightning bolt had hit him, shattering him.
"Ellie..." He breathed but she raised a hand to make him stop.
"You cannot take care of her if you drink this much." Ellie continued.
"No..." He shook his head. "Ellie..." Chris approached her and grabbed her face with both hands. "What you are saying doesn't make any sense." He told her looking deeply in her gray eyes. "Heaven is going to have us both with her."
"We don't know that." Ellie said, freeing herself from his hands and turning her back on him. "We cannot affirm that, Chris. You know it."
"Your mother assured us that it's not risky." He argued. "The doctor said she would perform a C-section and you wouldn't even go into labor to minimize the risks." "Babe..." He breathed and approached her from behind, resting his hands on her shoulders. "I understand you're afraid, but it's going to be alright."
"Things can change." Ellie said, turning around to face him. "We need to be practical..."
There, Chris pulled away from her and it was his time to turn his back on her, shaking his head not accepting anything of what she was telling him. He would never accept any of that.
"Chris." Ellie called him.
"I refuse to listen to this." He told her not turning around.
"I need you to understand what I am telling you though I know you are so drunk right now..." Chris turned to face her there.
"It's not clouding my judgment." He told her. "I know exactly what you are implying but I refuse to talk about this."
"I need you to focus." Ellie said.
"It's going to be alright!" He raised his voice. "Why are you even thinking like that?"
"There's no guarantee!" Ellie also raised her tone.
"Yes, there is!" He stood firm. "Your mother says so and so says our doctor."
"I am going to catch a bit of fresh air." Ellie said instead, perceiving he wouldn't listen to her.
"You can't be alone, Ellie." He told her.
"I'll be fine." She told him and unlocked the door. "Will you be fine?" She asked him and he nodded.
Ellie smiled at him softly and then closed the door, leaving him alone. Chris leaned onto the basin with both hands and stared at the mirror in front of him but not really seeing his image. Instead, the surreal conversation he had just had with Ellie was occupying his mind. After a few seconds, he opened a faucet and cupped water within his hands. Bending over the basin, he splashed the cold water over his face to clean himself a bit and to refresh him from the catatonic state Ellie had left him. He repeated the process until he felt he had gained some sense of sobriety. Then, he ran some water over his arms and chest and finally cleaned himself with the towel he had taken with him. Inside the pocket of his shorts there was a rubber band that he used to tie up his hair in a knot and then he looked at himself in the mirror once more. It came to his mind that Ellie had been to the doctor the day before and he wasn't present for he had a rehearsal during the afternoon, but Brooke had been to that appointment with her. Chris pulled away from the basin and left the toilet as fast as he could.
"Have you seen Brooke?" He asked Kim who was having one more beer with Ben on the hallway.
"She's with Eddie and some other people inside that room." Ben pointed.
"Are you alright, Chris?" Kim asked him, recognizing a concerned look on his friend's face.
"I'm fine." He said already walking away.
"Are you sure?" Kim still yelled, but Chris didn't answer. "He's not fine." He then commented with Ben who was watching Chris walking away.
"No." Ben said.
Chris heard the merry voices of their friends inside a room talking all at the same time and laughing loud and he entered it in a rampant, looking around to find his sister-in-law.
"Chris!" Stone approached him with a beer extended at him but he completely ignored it.
"Brooke!" He called her when he found her sitting on Eddie's lap, laughing with Jeff. "Come here." He said when she looked at him.
Brooke kissed Eddie's lips before getting up and then she approached Chris, who grabbed her arm and took her out of the noisy room.
"What is it?" Brooke asked him.
"What did the doctor say yesterday?" Chris asked her. "Ellie said everything was fine..."
"Well..." Brooke shrugged. "If she said everything is fine, then it must be fine." She smiled at him. "She told me the same."
"Didn't you hear it?" Chris insisted, but Brooke started shaking her head. "You didn't?" He frowned.
"Ellie said she wanted to go inside alone." Brooke told him. "I didn't get in." His head span around violently.
"She didn't tell you why?" Chris asked, for it was not usual of her to do so.
"No..." Brooke said already wondering why he was making her all those questions. "What is it, Chris?" Her tone concerned by then.
"Ellie told me a few things..." He stopped talking. "...it's ok... never mind." He forced a smile. "Can you go check on her?" Chris asked then. "She is outside, and I need to put some clothes on..."
"Sure." Brooke smiled at him.
"Thanks." He told her, rubbing her arm. "I'll meet you in a few minutes."
"Don't worry." Brooke yelled as Chris left quite fast. "He's weird..." She whispered as she started leaving too.
Chris entered inside the room where most of his friends were having a wonderful time. The smell and smoke inside it were enough to get high. The intense smell of weed perfumed the ambiance and he frowned a little as it gave him an unexpected nausea. A shadow approached him and he looked to see who was just getting near him.
"Is it now that you have a beer?" Jeff asked him as he noticed he had turned one down before. "You have to drink with us." He smiled.
"No." Chris told him, searching for his bag behind the couch. "I need to put some clean clothes on and I need to leave..."
"Come on..." Jeff poked his arm. "Chris we have to celebrate it!"
"Hey... we need to celebrate." Eddie smiled at him. "You can't just leave."
"I need to get dressed first or I am going to get a cold." Chris said instead, but his plans had changed.
"What's the matter?" Stone asked him, noticing Chris was far from being alright. "Your show was fantastic and you were in a great mood before it and now you aren't."
"You guys have fun." Chris said. "I really need to get dressed."
"Chris." Stoned grabbed his arm. "Is there anything I can do?" He offered.
"I just need to go home." Chris smiled. "Thank you. You guys have fun."
With that, he put the sports bag over his shoulder and left, leaving the party after his own show and in the direction of the toilets again.
"Chris!" Ben called him as he passed by him. "What's the matter?" He asked slurring his words.
"Nothing." Chris told him. "I am just going to put some dry clothes on and I am going home."
"Home?" Kim frowned. "We're going to party!" He claimed. "You said you'd stay."
"I'm sorry." Chris tapped his friend's arm. "I need to go home." He repeated, knowing something was not quite right.
"Is it Ellie?" Ben asked him and Chris nodded.
"I need to talk to her... something is not right..." He trailed off. "I don't know... I feel like something is not right."
"Hum..." Kim nodded. "You better get that straight then."
"I know." He breathed. "Well... I gotta go." Chris pointed at the toilets and then started walking in its direction.
Meanwhile, Brooke found Ellie outside the theater, leaning against the wall with her coat closed up until her neck for the night had turned cold though the sky was clean starry. Ellie was stargazing, something Brooke recognized as being one of her favorite things to do, but that night her sister looked off. If she remembered correctly, she was a bit off the day before as well. She had stayed for the party but she was distant and less smiley than usual and not much talkative. Brooke thought she was tired, but after Chris's questions, some doubts invaded her mind too. She approached Ellie and leaned on the wall by her side.
"It's cold out here." Brooke told her, looking at her. Then, she wrapped her hand around her sister's ponytail and let it slide around her hand until she reached its ending. Her hair smooth as silk "It's huge." Brooke commented for Ellie's hair reached below her waist line already, reaching her bottom.
"I might have to cut it." Ellie smiled and looked at her sister. "They say babies tend to hold onto your hair and mine seems to be perfect."
"You can braid it." Brooke told her. "You wear it like that so many times."
"Yes." Ellie nodded. "Chris sent you here?" She smiled again.
"He looked worried..." Brooke took the opportunity to touch the subject. "Did you guys fight?" She asked and Ellie shook her head.
"No. We didn't fight." She explained. "I just asked him not to drink so much." Ellie looked at Brooke. "He has been drinking more than usual. I have been noticing it and I don't think he does and it scares me..."
"Is it just that?" Brooke asked and then rolled her eyes. "I don't mean just... as in just..." Both girls giggled. "I mean, you seemed so off when I got here, El." She pointed out. "And yesterday too..."
"I'm just tired." Ellie told her, expecting that would end the subject. "That is just it... tiredness. We have done so many things around the house."
"Why didn't you let me go with you to your appointment yesterday?" Brooke asked and Ellie started thinking of what to say quite fast, shrugging first to gain some seconds before her answer.
"I..." She shrugged again, looking at Brooke. "I just wanted to be alone. Do something alone..." Ellie said what came first to her mind. "It's been months since I have done that. Someone always has to be with me..."
"El..." Brooke breathed, looking in her eyes and clearly not believing her words.
"Brooke?" A male voice was heard suddenly, cutting their subject off and both girls looked at their left side.
"Rob..." Brooke breathed and held her sister's hand instinctively.
Ellie felt her hand shake and heard how her voice choked when Brooke said his name. She knew she was terrified and in fact, so was she. He had caught them both off guard and alone and Robert was dangerous.
"What are you doing here?" Ellie asked, showing some aggressivity in her tone in an attempt of intimidating him.
"I bought a ticket." He said, showing them a piece of paper. "I think I have the right to see my ex-brother-in-law live, right?" Robert smiled his mischievous smile and Brooke gasped.
"Go away." Ellie stepped in front of Brooke as if protecting her. "Chris is not nor was he ever your brother-in-law and you cannot be near my sister. You are breaking the law Robert." He laughed evilly.
"What are you going to do?" He defied her. "Call the police? Will they get here on time so you can prove I am breaking the restraint orders? Oh..." He laughed. "Call her rock star boyfriend?" He winked, mocking the whole situation.
Brooke shuddered as she heard him. Just the sound of his voice scared her. How did he even know she had a boyfriend. Eddie and she had been dating for nearly a month. Their relationship was so recent. Suddenly, it occurred to her... he had been spying on her.
"Go away." Brooke spoke too, trying to sound firm though she was wobbling inside.
"Get the fuck out of here." Ellie gave a step near him, looking in his face.
"What are you going to do?" He smiled defiantly at her.
"She might not do anything, but I might just kill you motherfucker." Ellie looked behind Robert to find Chris right behind him. Robert turned around. "Get the fuck out." He told him. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Menacing a woman..."
"Oh..." Robert cracked a laughter. "Come on, Chris... we all know you are not the type of guy to get into a fight."
"Chris..." Ellie went to him and held onto him seeking protection. Chris wrapped an arm around her. "Go away Brooke." Ellie told her.
"Come, Brooke." Eddie appeared coming out of the dark alley from the back door of the theater, and Brooke ran to him and held his hand.
"I can take both of you quite easily." Robert said. "It's not that hard."
"How about all of us?" Stone asked with Jeff by his side. "Can you take all of us motherfucker?"
"The rock star gang." Robert smiled. "I am shaking." He raised his hands in the air pretending they were shaking and then laughed loud. "You are all ridiculous..." He added. "It was nice to see I still cause a reaction Brooke." He pointed at her. "Good girl." With that he started walking away and Brooke felt Eddie pulling his hand away from her but she held him tight so he stayed put.
"Leave him." She told him and he turned to her.
"Are you alright, babe?" He asked cupping her face between his hands and she nodded. Eddie kissed her lips and then pulled away. "For real?" He asked.
"I am." Brooke smiled at him.
"What are you guys doing outside?" Ellie asked. "Isn't there a party going on?"
"Yes." Jeff said. "But your husband wants to leave and we are trying to make him change his mind." Ellie looked at Chris.
"You don't want to stay?" Ellie curled an eyebrow.
"No..." Chris breathed. "I want to go home. Is that ok for you?" He looked deeply in her eyes and Ellie knew his decision was based on the conversation they had earlier.
"We can stay a while longer." She proposed.
"I want to go home." He insisted. "I am tired..." Ellie looked at their friends.
"Well." She shrugged.
"Come on, Chris." Eddie poked his arm, trying to convince him.
"Good night, guys." Chris said instead.
"Well..." Ellie shrugged and let go of him, started placing a kiss on the cheek of each one of them. When she was done, she returned to Chris's embrace and smiled. "Hope to see you all soon."
"Where's Brenda, by the way?" Jeff asked.
"She flew to meet Jerry." Ellie explained. "You know how it is... well, good night guys."
"Good night." Chris said again and the other waved at the couple.
Chris and Ellie traversed the street holding onto one another in direction of their car. Her hand inside the back pocket of his blue jeans and his arm around her shoulders. At that hour of the night, there was not much traffic and they crossed the street quite calmly, with Chris even kissing her temple. Ellie's mind was elsewhere though. She knew he would want to talk once they'd have some privacy, probably at home or even during the ferry trip until the island and she wasn't sure if she wanted to have that conversation with him, not just yet anyway. When they stopped near the car, she pulled away from him and started searching for the keys inside her little purse.
"Brooke should go to the police to complain about Robert not respecting the restraint order." Chris told her while waiting.
"We don't have any proof." Ellie told him. "You know how it works." She unlocked the car that moment.
"You have a bunch of witnesses." Chris pointed out. "Eddie, me, Stone, Jeff... what more can they possibly need." He opened the door for her and held her under her arm. "Ready?" He asked, for it was hard now for Ellie to hop on in the Jeep.
"Yes." Ellie smiled.
Chris held her under her arms with both hands and helped her up. With his impulse, she was able to reach the driver's seat, for Chris had had too much alcohol to be able to drive. Then, while she buckled up and put the keys in the ignition, he sat by her side on the passenger seat. Ellie noticed how he had tied up his hair, his hoops glistening in the dark. She loved his earrings and how he looked wearing it.
"What?" He asked as he noticed she was staring at him.
"You're so handsome, babe." She smiled at him, but Chris noticed how her eyes sparkled with tears as she said so.
Though he wanted to question her, he decided not to and pretended he didn't notice the sudden sadness in her eyes. That was proof to him that something else was behind her rant that night and his heart accelerated desperately at that certainty.
"And stinky!" He exclaimed, trying to light up the mood though he was feeling something was wrong. Ellie laughed quietly.
"You do need a shower." She confirmed.
"Babe... I ran some water over my chest and under my arms but it's not a shower." Chris smiled.
"Let's go?" She asked him.
"Yeah..." He nodded. "Otherwise, we will lose this ferry and we will have to wait an hour for the next one."
With that said, Ellie pulled the car from the curb and started driving through the quiet streets of Seattle with the radio turned off. Though he wanted to speak, Chris leaned back on the seat and remained silent, trying to find the best way to ask her what was really going on. Something was going on, he knew it. Ellie was protective of him. She always had been but she had never been that adamant, and their conversation had changed course too fast. Still, with high levels of alcohol in his system and the typical tiredness after a show, the quiet rolling of the wheels on the asphalt, served as a perfect lullaby and he ended up falling asleep. Ellie took a deep breath when she realized his deep breathing. Even when she stopped at Colman Dock in the car's line to enter the Puyallup, the boat that would cross the Puget Sound to Winslow, the Bainbridge's ferry terminal, Chris kept on sleeping, filling the silence inside the car with his light snore. Ellie smiled while hearing him and then adjusted his head better on the seat as he was sleeping in a bad position.
"Chris..." She whispered, running the tip of her fingers over his cheek with her eyes becoming inundated. "I love you so..."
Then, she leaned back on her seat and looked outside, crying in absolute silence. Ellie allowed, finally, her tears to be released freely for she was too scared. Now, she looked at things with different eyes. She was afraid it would be the last time she would be seeing it. Suddenly, the loud buzz of the boat echoed, announcing its passengers the embarkment and Chris jumped on the passenger seat and opened his eyes.
"I fell asleep." He told her, rubbing his eyes and Ellie started cleaning hers too.
"You're tired." She told him, starting the car again so they could embark.
"I am." He agreed.
Ellie started taking the Jeep inside the boat, stopping behind a white Porsche. Then, she killed the engine and looked at her husband who was staring at her and she knew she wouldn't be able to escape his inquiry for too long.
"Do you wanna go outside?" She asked him, but Chris shook his head.
"It's going to be really cold in the middle of the canal." He smiled.
"I have you to keep me warm." Ellie opened a smile.
"I'm smelling." He stated.
"I can take it." Ellie said, opening the door.
"Wait." Chris ordered her, so he could help her out.
Ellie waited. He opened his door and got out of the car, appearing in front of her in the next seconds. Basically, holding her in his arms, he took her off her seat and put her down on the floor.
"Thanks." Ellie kissed his lips and then locked the car.
Both Ellie and Chis closed their coats right away. He was wearing that black coat that he filmed Temple of the Dog's video with that she adored. Then, he pulled her to him, crossing his arm over her shoulders and she crossed hers over his waist. Immediately, his body temperature began to warm her up a bit more. As they reached the rail of the boat, the breeze in the middle of the canal froze their cheeks and the tip of their noses and the salty scent began to invade their noses. They leaned against the rail either way seeing nothing around them but hearing the roaring of the boat's engine and the water as it crashed against it. The starry sky above them though was just magnificent. In the dark of the canal, the sky was as starry as a starry sky can be and Ellie looked up marveled with the millions of stars that could be seen twinkling.
"It's so beautiful." She commented, feeling his embrace stronger around her and his lips touching her temple.
"Why didn't you let Brooke inside the doctor's office yesterday?" Chris asked abruptly, ending her peaceful moment, but she had the perfect excuse.
"I just wanted a moment for myself." Ellie responded still looking at the sky.
"Look at me, Ellie." Chris asked, but she resisted it. "Look at me." He insisted though, taking two fingers under her chin and making her look at him.
Under the poor lamp of the ferry, their eyes encountered and they stared at one another for a few seconds.
"It was that." Ellie affirmed, knowing she had gained enough strength to keep her story.
"Why were you telling me all these things earlier?" He kept on inquiring her and she was sure he was suspicious. Chris knew her as well as she knew him.
"You have been drinking too much." She told him quietly. "It scares me that you don't notice it. It scares me that after all the alcohol that I have seen you drinking today, you could pull out a perfect show. You used to stumble and slur your words before if you had that much to drink but you endured it, Chris."
"It's just your impression." He argued.
"No." She shook her head. "I remember you told me you had too much to drink during the last tour and I am afraid it might have changed things for you and you are not noticing it."
"Ok." He nodded. "Ok... but that was not just it..." Chris said.
"Yes, it was." Ellie sounded firm. "I need you to be careful."
"Ellie..." Chris said her name in that tone that let her know he was not buying it.
Ellie was saved by the warning that they were arriving in Bainbridge's terminal though and they went back to their car. They didn't touch the subject during the twenty-five-minute drive until their house. They actually didn't share a word until Ellie parked her Jeep on the lane at the side of the house used for that purpose specifically. As Chris got out of the car and helped Ellie out, he looked down at the lake, looking ever so peaceful under the moonlight. A perfect moon adorned the sky that night and he decided to stay outside a while longer. In his heart, he knew something was wrong and he wanted a little time for himself to think and prepare his heart and mind for the news Ellie had to tell him.
"I'll go down there..." He pointed at the deck. "... just to have a smoke." Chris kissed her forehead.
"Don't take long." Ellie told him as she opened the door. "It's cold outside."
"I won't." He smiled at her. "I still need a shower."
"I'm waiting for you." Ellie bent over him and kissed his lips.
When she entered the house, she went straight to the laundry space and started getting rid of her clothes for they smelled too much of cigarettes. Even if she had avoided smokey environment, it seemed like it infiltrated everywhere without the possibility to avoid it. She stayed completely naked, leaving everything inside her washing machine. Then, she went upstairs to their bedroom. Too tired to have a shower, she grabbed her silk nightgown and passed it over her head and then she braided her hair. Next, she went to the bathroom where she brushed her teeth and made her night skin routine. Ellie started by washing her face with her detox gel and then applied her caffeine cream around her eyes and her detox night cream. Done, she came back to bedroom but stopped by the window to look at Chris for he hadn't come back. She saw him sitting on the wooden bench, elbows resting on his knees and his head down. The tip of his cigarette burning in the dark of the night and then a cloud of smoke surrounding him. With tears in her eyes, she strayed from the window and closed the blinders, and finally went to bed. Ellie tried to keep her eyes opened for she had promised him she would wait for him and she even left the light on her nightstand on, but she succumbed to her tiredness either way.
Later, Ellie's body jerked a bit as she turned around on the bed and fell into a vacant place. Her eyes flickered opened as her hand palmed the mattress instead of Chris, who should be by her side. Gaining a bit of awareness, she assumed she must had slept just a couple of minutes for the light was still on and his place in bed intact, but as she turned around to see the time in her clock, she realized two hours had passed.
"Fuck..." She whispered, realizing Chris had not come to bed.
She pulled the sheet away from her rapidly and got out of the bed, going to the window. Ellie pulled the blinders up and saw Chris sitting on the bench, the same place she had seen him two hours before. He hadn't left that place since they arrived home. Immediately, she went to her wardrobe and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that she put on over her nightgown. Then, she saw her black cardigan and put it on too and grabbed a cover too. She slid her feet inside a pair of Hugs and she almost ran outside. Chris was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear her arrive. He became aware of her presence when she rolled the cover over his shoulders.
"It's freezing, Chris!" She exclaimed, closing the cardigan around her body, and sitting by his side. "What are you doing here?"
"Thinking..." He told her rather absently.
"About what?" Ellie asked though fearing his answer. Chris turned his face to look at her and she knew he was going to ask her again. "Chris... no..." She whispered with tears in her eyes.
"What happened at the doctor?" He still made the question. "Babe..." He cupped her face between his hands and cleaned her tears with his thumbs.
For some reason, he knew he had to be the one holding on. He knew he couldn't dismantle with her. His instinct was telling him he had to be firm though he could shatter inside.
"Chris..." Her voice choked and Ellie covered her mouth with both hands trying to muffle the sob that was ready to come out from inside her.
"How bad is it?" He whispered.
"It's bad." Ellie finally spoke. She cleaned her tears and took a deep breath and looked at him. "My blockage got worse with the progress of the pregnancy." Ellie finally told him.
"And you didn't tell me?" He asked her, feeling confused.
"I have been feeling pain on my chest and the doctor ran some exams to confirm that my blockage is now stage three." She explained with her voice failing almost in every word.
"What does that mean, El?" Chris asked with the same failing voice.
"It means it's risky." Ellie tried to be vague but he shook his head at her, like telling Ellie that her words were not enough. "I need heart surgery." Ellie finally blurted and Chris felt the floor being swept from under his feet violently.
"You what?" He asked as if he needed to hear it again.
"I need heart surgery and they are going to perform it right after the c section." Ellie said quickly.
"And you've been hiding this from me?" Chris stated.
"I only found out yesterday and I didn't want to ruin things for you." She explained. "Chris... I can die..." She cried. "The doctor was very clear..."
He wanted to yell. He wanted to smash and destroy everything around him. His heart was turning into dust. He wanted to cry out loud, but he knew he couldn't do any of that in front of her. His duty as her husband was to show her faith that everything was going to be alright. She was going to have Heaven and her surgery would work just fine.
"Listen to me." He held her hands and looked in her crying eyes. "You're not going to die."
"Ok..." She nodded. "But listen to me carefully." She asked him and he nodded. "If anything happens and it comes to saving me or Heaven, you chose our baby girl and you let me go..." There, he shook his head.
"Oh no.... Ellie..." He breathed in denial.
Chris got up and walked around the deck with his hands folded at the back of his neck feeling his world coming to an end. It took all his strength not to cry that very moment. He was feeling all his tears choking him.
"And I want you to love again." Ellie continued. "I want you to find someone you love and that loves you back and that will raise Heaven with you." There, he came to a halt and turned to her.
"No one is going to raise Heaven with me." He said and then he crouched in front of her. "Heaven is mine and yours and she will be raised by us, her mom and her dad."
"Just in case..." Ellie breathed.
"We will be fine." Chris told her firmly. "Everything is going to be fine."
"I want to believe in that." Ellie said. Chris grabbed her face and pressed his lips on hers and then pulled away.
"What do we have to do?" He asked after, for there must be some new conduct they should adopt.
"Nothing different." She said. "I just have to be more aware of the pain on my chest. If it turns persistent I need to go to a hospital immediately."
"But..." He stuttered. "...isn't there a medicine that can help you?"
"I'm pregnant..." Ellie shrugged. "The doctor told me she wants to deliver Heaven as soon as possible. She can't do it yet because her lungs are not fully developed and she could have breathing problems for the rest of her life or not even survive so we have to wait a bit more but the minute she sees it's safe, she will take me to an OR and deliver our baby girl and at the same time a cardiologist will be there to fix my heart."
"Babe..." Chris pulled her to him and they held tight. That second his eyes filled with tears that he prayed it wouldn't fall.
"I'm so scared." Ellie whimpered and then her body started shaking in his arms which crushed him even more. His lips glued to her temple and his hand started caressing her head.
"You are my world." He whispered. "My entire life... I love you more than life itself Ellie Cornell, and I am going to be with you every step of the way and nothing bad is going to happen" Ellie pulled away and kissed his lips.
"Thank you for being so strong." She ended up giving him a smile. "Your strength gives me hope."
"It's going to be alright." He reaffirmed.
"Come to bed." She told him. "It's so cold in here, Chris."
"I'll go in a minute." Chris pressed his lips on her forehead.
"Promise?" Ellie asked, getting up and he nodded.
Ellie smiled at him one more time and started walking back inside the house. That had to be the hardest conversation she has had with him since they met. Nevertheless, Chris had to know the truth. As he heard the front door of their house close, he fell on his knees on the deck, feeling his despair taking over him in huge waves. Tears appeared in his eyes and a sob escaped his throat while emotional pain washed over him as a tsunami. Chris started bleeding tears from his eyes.
"No..." He grunted, feeling his soul desolated, broken and vulnerable.