JENNIE
Dad and Mom accompanied me to the hospital today because they want to make sure that my pregnancy is safe. They don't want me to experience losing a child again. They personally talked to my Doctor about everything I need.
It took weeks for Lisa to come over because she had to go to other countries and attend to some legalities as she always does.
I'm a month pregnant now and I really need to be careful. I don't want to lose a child again. Especially now that I am having a baby with the person I love. But I am still afraid of telling her. I don't know how she will react.
Lisa has been texting and calling me from time to time but all we talked about is how much she misses me and what's happening to her when she's out of the country. I just remain casual towards her. I don't want to expect too much, even how much I want her to be mine again.
I am just so afraid she'll hurt me because until now, she hasn't forgiven me yet.
Mom and Dad bought everything I need when we went to the mall after my check up. From my milk, to my vitamins, fruits and a lot more. Dad is even too excited and bought a pair of baby clothes. Mom and I laughed so hard when he was choosing and we found out he wants a grandson. So cute!
We arrived at the village and I noticed a white car parked outside our gate.
My phone rang and I answered it.
It's Ji-yong.
I expected it's him. I told Mom and Dad about his intention. They want him to come inside but I refused to let him in.
Lisa bought this house and I believe it's a big disrespect if I invite him inside.
Mom made me promise to call them if I suspect something bad about Ji-yong.
They came inside the house and I led my way outside the gate. I approached his car and got in the passenger seat.
I didn't feel anything
until he started to speak.
"Hi, Jennie. I am sorry if it took years for me to approach you."
He said. He looked shy and nervous.
"Hi. How are you?"
I looked at him and asked.
"I'm good. Great. My— my wife knew everything. It took years for her to forgive me.
I'm sorry about your parents. Mr. Kim was the greatest lawyer I have ever met my entire life. He took me out from the mess I had with my first wife."
He said and I just nodded.
"Good for you."
I said and smiled.
"How are you?"
He asked.
"I'm pregnant."
I said and he smiled.
"With Lisa?"
He asked.
I nodded.
"This is her parents' house. I stay with them."
I said.
"Good thing you two are back together."
He said.
"No. We're not. It's a bit complicated. She hasn't forgiven me yet. You know when I cheated on her with you, it all became hell."
I said and I felt the guilt again I am suffering from.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I— I was out of my mind. I had a girlfriend that time who is my wife now. I also knew you had Lisa. But I— I was too full of myself. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused, Jen. I also learned that you got pregnant with me and the child..."
He felt so sorry. His tears are forming on the sides of his eyes.
"Yeah. Forget it. Now I am just— just waiting for her to forgive me. I can't force her and all I have to do is wait."
I said.
"I really do hope that both of you will be fine together. I hope the pain in her heart will fade away and forgive you. Jen, if you need help, if that help means talking to Lisa and ask forgiveness from her too, I'm very much willing to do it."
He said.
"Up to you. It's not in my hands anymore. Up to you, Ji-yong."
I said.
"Yeah.
Jen?"
He called my attention.
"Hmmm?"
I responded.
"I am so sorry. I want to ask forgiveness.
I am really really sorry."
He is crying.
"Yeah. Stop crying. It's both our fault. I'm sorry too. Just please don't do it again. Love your wife and be a good father to your children."
I told him and smiled.
I held the top of his hand and he is still sobbing.
"Thank you! Thank you so much, Jennie."
He said and I nodded.
"Oh. I have to go now. Mom and Dad are preparing our lunch and they might be hungry already, the won't eat without me."
I said and we went out of the car.
"Thank you!"
He said for the last time and I smiled at him.
We hugged each other and I felt relieved that I got to clear things out with him and we apologized to each other. It was cheating. It was both our fault. We're sinners. But the heavy load in my chest somehow lessened.
"Take care, okay? I really hope you and Lisa will get to talk about your relationship and she'll forgive you anytime soon."
He said.
Lisa's car is approaching the moment we broke our hugs.
Lisa parked in front of the gate and came out from her car. She looked at us with her serious face and I felt the tension.
She didn't come near but she waited for me before entering the gate.
Ji-yong said his goodbye to us and I just nodded.
I approached Lisa and I hugged her tight.
"What was that?"
She asked in a serious tone.
I held her nape and rubbed her chest.
I looked at her straight in the eyes.
She looked at Ji-yong's car sharply.
"Let's talk about it inside. I have something important to tell you too."
I said while caressing her jaw and she made me walk inside the gate first.
I wanted to kiss her but her mood is not good.
Of course, she saw him. Us.
I did not expect Lisa will arrive today.
Mom also didn't want me to meet Ji-yong somewhere else. So, with their permission, I gave him our address.
We all sat at the dining area.
I put food on Lisa's plate and I noticed her face is so unpleasant. So mad.
"Lisa, I am excited. Aren't you?"
Dad said and he couldn't stop smiling.
"Why?"
She asked coldly.
"Jen, you want us to tell her or you will be the one?"
Mom asked.
I don't know if I can still speak up.
I am becoming nervous and scared. Lisa's mood is really spine-chilling now.
"The what? Tell me now."
She said in a blank face and drank her water.
"We're having a grandchild!"
Mom and Dad both told her and they're too excited.
"Oh? Oppa, I didn't know you have a girlfriend? Hmmm?"
She asked Hanbin.
"What the hell? I can't even see you here at home, how can I date someone else outside?
Congratulations, Lisa and Jennie!"
Hanbin said happily.
Lisa stood up and looked at me straight in the eyes.
"It's not mine."
She said while walking back and forth.
I am just on my chair, frozen. My tears are starting to form. My chest is starting to pound abnormally again.
"Lisa, sit down!"
Mom stood up and raised her voice.
"What?!"
She came near me.
"Do your really believe this woman? Huh?
Are you all sure it's fucking mine?!"
She is yelling.
My tears fell and my body is rattling in fear and hurt.
Dad stood up and tried to control Lisa as she is restless already.
"Tell them, Jennie!
Do you all know why she was with Ji-yong earlier in front of my fucking house?!"
She is screaming. Angry.
"We know."
Mom stood up.
"Do you all know that—that guy was the reason why Jennie and I separated?
Do you all fucking know how I respected this woman with all my heart. Controlling myself because I am so in love with her. Obeying her parents' rules and yours as well, not to get her pregnant when we were studying. And she let him fuck her first!
Fuck!
Now don't ever tell me Jennie that baby is mine. You're probably seeing him again! Fuck!"
Her voice smashes all the walls in the house.
We were shocked when Mom slapped her.
"We know you're in pain. Jennie made a mistake. We believe she regret everything she did.
And she has her pain too, Lisa.
We allowed her to talk to Ji-yong to help her in the process of healing.
We are also here to help you on your process but you won't allow us to get in. You're always being sucked by your anger. We respected you. Let you face on your own as what you always wanted.
But you know that as your mother, I am hurting too.
I never thought you would take advantage of Jennie during her grief.
And now you're denying your own child.
How did you become this heartless, Lisa?"
Mom said while wiping her tears.
"Speak. We want to listen to you too. You've been aloof to us lately. We're scolding you sometimes because we're just being human here to Jennie.
You will only realize what she feels when it's the time you will lose us, Lisa.
Now, speak!"
Dad is being serious.
"I— I don't think it's mine. She's too hungry for sex and we're not sure who she has been seeing."
Oh god. Lisa.
Dad cut her when he gestured to slap Lisa. It didn't happen when I rushed to come in between.
I leaned my back on her chest and held her hands.
"It's—it's okay. I— I understand what Lisa feels right now."
I am crying, catching my breath while explaining.
"Please don't be mad at her. I deserve all the words, Mom. I deserve all her anger, Dad. Just please stop scolding Lisa. Please."
I said and I couldn't stop crying.
Everyone became so quiet and my sobs are the only sound we could all hear.
It's too painful.
Too painful.
She has never forgiven me. And I think she never will.
She thought I'm having sexual encounters with other people until now.
And the most painful part,
she denies her child with me.
I can't blame her.
My chest felt so heavy and I want to be alone.
I felt a little pain in my tummy too.
"I— I think I—. Mom, I'll go to bed now. I— I need to rest. I— I feel dizzy."
I said while sobbing.
"Okay. You need something? Just let me know, Jen. Okay?"
Mom said and I nodded.
I slowly removed my grip from Lisa's hands and walked towards the stairs. As I take each step, all her words were popping in my mind and hitting my chest so hard.
Then I felt pain in my tummy and it is becoming more ill.
"Je— Jennie! Jennie, stop! Jennie!"
Dad rushed towards me and I couldn't focus. I feel dizzy and the pain is making my whole body numb.
"Oh my God! Jennie!"
Mom ran too and supported my back.
She guided me down the stairs.
"Jen, there's— there's blood flowing down your legs."
Mom is crying.
I looked at it and—. Shit. No!
"Oh, no! Mom!"
I'm too scared. My cries brought back all the memories I had when I lost my first child.
Lisa took me from Mom and immediately carried me to the car.
Dad was the one driving the Rover and Lisa is just quiet but she looks scared too.
"Mom, I don't want to lose my child again. Oh, god. No."
I said and I couldn't stop weeping.
Lisa pulled me and made me lean on her chest.
I felt her hand holding my hip.
I could hear her heartbeat and she is nervous too.
But she never spoke a word.
That's the last thing I remember.
I passed out.
And when I opened my eyes, I am inside the hospital room already.
Mom, Dad, Rosé, Jisoo and Bam are also inside.
"Jen, you're awake! Wait, I'll call your Doctor."
Mom said.
Rosé sat beside me on the bed and caressed my forehead.
I looked at Lisa and I smiled at her but she just looked down while leaning on the wall and crossing her arms.
The Doctor came in and I felt uneasy. I'm afraid what she will tell me.
"Ms. Kim. Good afternoon. How are you feeling?"
She greeted me.
"Doc? My—my baby?"
I immediately asked.
"Don't worry. Your baby is safe. Good thing, you were rushed here. But I would just like to remind everyone. Ms. Kim should be taken cared of. Her pregnancy is prone to bleeding and too sensitive. I think you get what I mean. No stress for her please. And I will prescribe some vitamins and medicine for you, Ms. Kim. Please don't make yourself worry about anything. You need to take care of your baby inside you. Okay?"
She said and I nodded.
"But— but Doc, can I work? I need to have a job."
I asked.
Because the moment I heard Lisa denying her child, I realized one thing. I shouldn't force her. If she thinks it's not hers then I will raise my child alone. I don't want her to worry about us.
"What? Okay. Here. If you want to work, I suggest just a light one. Your pregnancy is unlike other's situation. Yours is too sensitive and you really have to be cautious. Okay? Don't miss our monthly check-ups. I am looking forward to see your little one eight months from now."
The Doctor smiled at me and I nodded.
After a few days, I was discharged and we all went home.
Mom, Hanbin and Dad's flight to the US are happening two days from now. No one is going to be with me here and they will be staying there for three months or more.
Mom is deciding if she will go or not but I insisted that she must go because Dad can't do it alone assisting Hanbin on his medication.
"Lisa, so, what now?
You take care of Jennie at your place."
Mom said and I looked at Lisa.
"What? No! I am too busy."
She said and it hurt me again. I controlled my tears not to come out.
"I already found a helper for your house so Jennie can have someone to assist her."
Mom said and Lisa sighed.
"Mom, it's okay. I'll just— I'll just talk to Rosé. Maybe she can let me stay at her place for a while until I get a job."
I said and looked down.
Mom and Lisa are still arguing.
"Mom, don't force Lisa. Please. I can handle myself."
I said and smiled at them.
Mom left us at the backyard and I came near to her.
"You want tea?"
I asked. She shook her head.
I went to the kitchen and took a glass of water for her.
I sat beside her and she accepted the glass.
"Lis, please don't let yourself be pressured okay? I want you to decide on your own. I don't want you to be accountable for this.
But let me just take some pain inside your heart. Listen to me. I haven't slept with someone else after I lost my first child.
I haven't slept with anyone when I started making love to you again. Please don't think you're being played on. Okay? I want you to be free. I want you to be happy.
And it's pretty obvious it's not with me. I totally understand why you're feeling this way."
I said calmly while rubbing her back and my tears fell on the last two sentences.
"I need to sleep now. It's not good for our baby when I stay up this late. You can still see your child anytime you want when he or she comes out. For now, let's just—. I want you not to see me so you can really be happy. I know having me in your life will just remind you of that stupid Jennie who broke your heart.
Take care of yourself. Okay?"
I kissed her. A gentle kiss while my tears kept falling.
I walked out wiping my tears and went to bed.
The day came I left their house and I stayed at Rosé's place.
I also got a job from a retail store.
Of course, even if I have a Bachelor's degree, I wouldn't get the managerial position as it is too far from what I took in college. I work as a sales assistant four days a week from 8am-5pm. As much as I want to look for a job in line with Biology, I am pregnant and I can't just pick one easily.
Sometimes Rosé would wake up early so she can drive me to my work and pick me up in the afternoon. But most of the time, I don't bother her anymore. It's too much.
Now my goal is to save up so I can pay for my monthly check ups, food and somehow help Rosé with the bills even if she doesn't want me to give my share.
She and Jisoo told me that we will help each other in raising my child.
I am so thankful for having them!
Sometimes, I think of my inheritance form my parents. Should I still be interested? Should I remind Lisa about it? I actually don't bother her anymore about it since I realized that she's not looking at it anymore.
How will I remind her if I am not even paying her fee as my parents' death case lawyer as well as their properties that are named under me.
Maybe I'll just forget about it.
I'll work harder after I give birth to my baby and look for another job so I can continue my Med school and become the Doctor I have always wanted to be.