JENNIE
The last time I checked, I am straight.
I'm a bit conscious now walking at the mall with Lisa. We were asked by my parents to buy some groceries and other stuff for the house. Our helper took her day off today and no one's going to do it as Mom and Dad will be traveling out of town today.
Lisa can't say no to my Dad whenever he asked her to come over.
We both can't deny that as we stroll around, our skins want to feel each other. Like when my arm unintentionally rubs against hers, I feel alive. I mean, I can feel some warmth on my belly and it spreads all over my body.
And my heart beats fast.
I am trying to ignore it.
I can sense that Lisa tries her best to deny it too.
But the earth is tricking us. We ended up holding each other's hand while walking at the grocery.
I didn't let go. I am trying to keep this pleasure and excitement that I feel like we're being a couple now.
Until...
"Gross. It's so damn gross! Two woman in a relationship? I am sure they are sinners."
A lady our age told his boyfriend and talked to us more.
Lisa just smirked and shook her head.
But me, I felt awkward. I felt shy.
I removed my hand from hers and continued shopping. She noticed it and didn't touch me from that time anymore.
I am not at ease until we arrived home. We're not even talking. But she helped me arranged the stuff we bought on their proper places.
"I'm leaving. Don't forget to lock all your doors.
And I'm— I'm sorry earlier. I did not intend to make you feel uncomfortable in front of strangers at the mall."
She said while looking down. She looked at me before she took a step to leave and I saw in her eyes how sad she is.
God.
Am I scared of judgments?
If ever I will be in a relationship with Lisa, I will not be able to handle it.
Ugh! My thoughts are making my head ache.
"Okay Jennie! Breathe! You're straight, okay? But you're even the one who initiated your kiss last time."
I told myself as I walk to my room.
I texted her around nine to check if she already arrived home safely and she responded right away.
Everyday is a challenging scene for me at school. I always get to see Lisa and Nancy since they are always together. But she drives my car home when Dad or Mom calls her and wants to see have her over dinner with us.
Lisa never refused my parents. She's actually getting closer to them and they are already considering her as their own. Lisa always takes my parents advice about life. She is a good listener. And my parents too love her principles and insights in every thing we talk about.
They love Lisa. My parents take care of her too when she's around. Mom likes her attitude being too respectful and kind.
Lisa and Nancy. They are inseparable. They actually act as if they are a couple but they always deny it. Well, it's actually the truth, but sometimes I really doubt.
Especially when Lisa hugs her anytime of the day and they are too sweet to each other.
Nancy who is always at her side and ready to give all her needs; the comfort, love and time.
Sometimes they are being asked randomly if they are a couple but the two just laugh and ignore those students.
And me? I don't know why lately I want her time. I want her beside me. But shit. I am also shy when we're out to have coffee or eat at a restaurant. I feel anxious. But I always have this feeling of missing her.
"You're really not comfortable, aren't you?"
She asked me while we're buying some of medical requirements for my lab subject.
"What?"
I pretended.
"I'm not blind, Jen. And even if I am, I would sense it."
She told me while checking out the test tubes and surgical equipment.
"I— I am sorry."
I said.
"It's okay. But next time think of it twice. Do not ask me to accompany you on your errands when you just want to make me feel too dirty. I declined helping out Nancy with her broken faucet today just to be with you. I am not making you feel guilty. I am just telling you that it hurts whenever you want to push me away because you're afraid of what people might say. I know you're straight. I am not even courting you anymore, right? What's the problem?"
She said and it made me shut my senses for a while.
I felt guilty.
She got a call and yes, it's Nancy.
"Hi. No, it's okay. Well, if that's good with you to wait for me. Let me fix it. Just put the main switch off for now. Let me handle it later. Do you want something to eat? I'll get it some for you then. Sure, pretty!" Sure, pretty! She talks to her happily over the phone.
Ugh! I don't know why I felt so hurt hearing her talking to Nancy like that.
"What time are we going to be done? I'll bring you home right after this."
She asked nicely but I am still not okay.
What is happening to me? I am like losing my temper.
"You can go now. I can handle myself."
I said not looking at her.
"Jen, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I will wait until you're done."
She said and smiled at me.
"No. Go. I swear, I can do this. I just wanted to be with you because you're always with her at school and this is just the only way that I get to be with you."
I said and she is wondering. You were brave there, Jennie.
"Really? But why do you make me feel the opposite?"
She asked. I looked down and felt a pinch of pain on my chest.
"I'm sorry. Go now, Lis. I swear. I will be okay."
I told her and smiled. I insisted that she must go.
And she did go.
Fuck. Really, Lisa?
I am battling with myself.
Why am I feeling this?
I want her.
I really do!
Or am I just jealous?
Ugh! I'm so confused.
But I want her beside me all the time!
I went home and talked to my parents about what's rumbling in my head.
They listened. They gave me an advice.
"Do you like Lisa?"
Mom asked.
"Wrong question, Hon."
Dad interrupted.
"Do you love her?"
Dad asked and my head slowly tilted up to him and realized one thing.
My heart.
My heart is beating so fast like it wants to get out from my chest.
And all in my head right now is her.
Oh god!
I didn't expect this.
"Does having someone in your life and not wanting to lose that person, like you want her to be with you most of the time and you get jealous when she's with someone so close to her means you love that person already?"
I asked them.
"You fell in love with Kai right?"
Dad asked.
"I am not sure. I didn't feel this kind of feeling towards him before. I like him because he's hot and he's my long time crush.
But whenever I think of Lisa or whenever I am with her,
I feel nervous, Dad.
But I feel safe at the same time.
And happy."
I confessed.
And my dad took a bottle of beer from the fridge and it's the first time he offered me to drink.
I drink but never in front of them.
And we talked all about my feeling towards Lisa until they felt sleepy.
And me, I couldn't sleep.
Friday was a tough day at school. I did a lot of practical exams on my Chemistry and Biology class.
I need to pass my subjects. I want to become a Doctor someday and I really should work hard for it.
As soon as I finished my exams, I went to the cafeteria and ordered a cup of coffee.
I was falling in line and busy checking out my social media accounts when someone came in the line and ordered coffee too.
"You know, if it's just possible for you to like me back, I will kiss you right now and never let you go. Unfortunately, the Jennie Kim is so hard to reach.
You're always beautiful, Jen. "
Lisa. Randomly, she laid her words.
She took our coffee and put the cups on the tray she's holding and we settled.
I didn't react on what she said because words couldn't come out from my mouth because my chest is pounding so fast.
"You have Nancy. What's not to love about her? She's kind and almost perfect. Hot."
I told her when we sat down and thankfully, my heart relaxed.
She licked and bit her lip after she took a sip and looked at me straight in the eyes.
"You're all I see."
She said and I couldn't concentrate again. My hands are shaking and sweating, but I smiled at her.
"Someday, maybe you will learn to love me too. I will be successful. I will be the person you deserve. I will let you experience the love you deserve. But for now, sadly, you're here at the top, and I am an underdog.
I am sorry if I am too expressive. I know you are not comfortable. Just let me know and I won't say it again."
She is breathing so hard but still she tried her best to smile.
I don't know what to say. I am trembling inside. Nervous.
"Hmmm. I don't have a chance again with you, right?"
She asked me. My voice is coming out. I am about to tell her that I am giving her a chance but...
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Jennie! Lisa!
Don't be absent tonight. We're singing and dancing!"
Rosé came with her Jisoo.
Lisa shook her head.
"No way, Lisa! You're coming. You too, Jen!"
Rosé told us.
I looked at Lisa but she is not interested to go.
"I'm saving up. I can't spend too much. I'm taking Nancy out for dinner next week. I am spending less time with her lately."
She said and I looked down.
Nancy. Nancy. It's always her.
Then here's awkwardness between the four of us. The two looked at us like they want to ask something.
"It's on me. Come, please."
Jisoo is insisting Lisa.
She looked at me.
"Are you sure? I forgot no one's going to bring Jennie home tonight."
She said and smiled at me.
"Yeah. It's my birthday tomorrow. But Rosé and I will spend time together. So, we thought of celebrating tonight with you. I have told Bam and Nancy already."
Jisoo said and we all agreed to go.
Lisa drove my car going to the karaoke place where we will celebrate Jisoo's birthday. We first bought a cake for Jisoo at the nearby pastry shop.
She made me choose the cake.
Here we are again, we can't stop ourselves touching each other. We just found out she's holding my waist already going back to the car.
God.
Her touch.
It really is something.
Her fragrance is the most pleasant to my nose. Her eyes suddenly became my favorite room. And her, I can't breathe because of her, but at the same time, I want to be alive to have her in my arms forever. And with her, fuck, I don't need to force myself to be alive. She makes me feel like I'm dancing in a romantic field of her love.
I think I am having a crisis with myself.
I am in love with her.
And this feeling is making me so fucking crazy.
Shit. Yes, I think I am in love with her.
Or it has been here since she courted me but
I was just sacred.
We entered the karaoke room and everything's all set. Bam and Nancy sat together and the couple are making out. Jesus.
"Oh my god! Are we at the wrong room?"
Lisa teased them and Jisoo laughed out loud when Rosé got up from her lap and started to pick a song.
I sat beside Jisoo while Lisa went to Nancy and kneeled in between her thighs and cupped her face.
They are like kids who plays around with each other's noses. Lisa teases Nancy.
I can't stop taking glances because they are already whispering something to each other and Lisa's stares at her sexily. Their faces are even so close to each other.
Lisa got up from kneeling and sat beside me.
We didn't talk. But she extended her arm behind me and I don't know why I am slowly leaning to her.
Then I just
found myself being so comfortable with Lisa as her arm hugs my waist already.
God! I— I feel so comfortable. Really.
She didn't mind when I eventually leaned my head on her shoulder. She is even rubbing my thighs from time to time and she checks if I'm doing fine.
She didn't drink much because she will be driving me home.
Me, I'm not a heavy drinker anymore so I'm good with just two bottles of beer. A bit dizzy but yes, I can manage.
I went to the restroom with Nancy.
She doesn't want me to go alone. Here we are fixing ourselves in front of the mirror.
"Jen?"
"Yes?"
I responded and looked at her while I wash my hands.
"Do you like her?"
She asked me.
It took a while for me to answer.
"Nancy, to be honest, I think—
I think I am already in love with her.
But I don't know. Sometimes I am confused of her actions and I am battling with myself. This is the first time I fell in love with a woman."
I said.
"Confused of her actions because of me? Jennie, we may be too sweet, but I already accepted the fact the she can never love me back. And Lisa is not just a woman. She is a woman with a special gift. But you know, she is too responsible and doesn't use that advantage to fool around.
Jennie, Lisa is so deeply in love with you. I am just actually with her most of the time because I am the only one who is interested with her even if she doesn't like me back. But if ever you two, just if ever you'll start dating, I know where to place myself, Jen. I'm used to it. She never really like me back."
She said and smiled at me.
I was like relieved. Is Nancy telling me to give Lisa a chance?
"She is not courting me anymore."
I said.
"Because she loves you. She doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable whenever you're with her. And she thinks you don't really like her. I know that feeling not being loved back by someone you want to spend your time with.
But as you noticed, she grabs chances when you're being affectionate to her because she really wants you in her life, Jen. So, if you have feelings for her too, don't hold back. Don't stop yourself. It's a great feeling to be in love. And I swear, you are so lucky to have her. Oh God! Lisa is a jackpot! She is the kindest person I have ever known my whole life."
She said and I agree.
I think I should be the one making a move as soon as possible.
I want her.
I love her.