Sheja felt her heart freeze in her chest. She watched him as another tear rolled down the bridge of his nose and collided with the first, both falling and landing on her shoulder. She was suddenly battling with her own emotions but she swallowed the knot in her throat and hugged him tightly to her. She gently wrapped her legs around the back of his thighs and he instantly started to struggle gently against her. "Stop moving," she said softly. She stared straight at the ceiling, not knowing what to think.
"Maybe I can salv—"
"If it's broke, it's broke," she interrupted sharply, holding him tighter knowing nothing would change the matter. He stopped struggling. "And don't blame yourself. If I don't, you shouldn't," she added, speaking softly again.
"You said you weren't wanting to get pregnant just yet," he said. Sheja could hear the fight he was having with himself. "And you wanted to try make this Leena's baby, not mine."
"Not all unprotected sex leads to immediate pregnancies, some couples try for ages. This doesn't absolutely mean it will take," Sheja replied with a forced chuckle, trying to be optimistic while internally she too was fighting with panic. "And in the most likely chance that it does, we'll just move up the plans and get it over with. It was bound to happen, Twyndis."
"And as for it being Leena's baby?"
"Well, I make quite the collection cup myself, don't I," she teased. Twyn finally cracked a smile. "I'll work with Leena tonight. I'm pretty sure I still have a little time."
"I'm so sorry, Sheja," he said.
"Twyn?"
He looked up at her, her eyes feeling like they reached down into his soul.
"It's just as difficult of a pill for me to swallow too, so will you just shut up and kiss me to take my mind off it?"
Twyn huffed a soft laugh, leaning in and kissing her, obliging her demand. He let out a soft gasp as Sheja shifted her hips against his and he could feel her flesh directly on his. His own body was tired, but the direct touch started to wake his member back up before it had a chance to go completely flaccid. "Sheja, I need to get up, otherwise I'll just cause more problems."
"More problems? How, pray tell, is it possible to cause more problems right now?"
He forced himself out of her grasp and got to his hands and knees, moving himself away from her and sitting on the edge of the bed. He removed the split sheath and sighed heavily, wrapping it up in one of the used tissues from the nightstand.
Sheja got off the bed and stood in front of him, arms folded across her chest. "I apparently stabbed you by the way, so I'm calling it even if I end up pregnant."
"Huh?"
She leaned back around him and poked at the back of his shoulder. "I clawed you. There's even little blood trickles down your sides. Both shoulders."
Twyn instantly flinched and gasped in pain as she poked him, suddenly remembering the fire he felt at the end. "Holy shit, Sheja," he said in amused surprise, looking the best he could at his shoulder. He looked back at her and realized even her fingertips had a little bit of smeared but now-dry blood on them. Upon her own realization of it being on her hands only after Twyn noticed first, she suddenly groaned in dismay and rushed into the bathroom to wash it off.
"I'll heal it," she said. "I just need a minute."
He laughed at the sudden panic in her voice. "You're seriously freaking out over hurting me? I just hauled out on your body and you're panicked about causing me a little blood?" As she came back out of the bathroom, he watched her meticulously look over her now reddened hands to make sure she cleaned it all off. "Oh Sheja," he said sadly, reaching out and taking her hands into his as a realization hit. "So much blood on your hands in your life that it's making you skittish over something this non-threatening? This is why your body was reddened after your shower... You were scrubbing too hard to get it off?"
Sheja paused, not realizing she had even been obsessing on it. She tried to take her hands from his to hide them behind her back. "It doesn't come off as easy as you think," she said as quietly as she could.
"I worked at the hospital in Sundres for a bit and I know that's pure bullshit, Sheja," he stated. Twyn reached around her and grabbed her hands again, bringing them back to her front side and looking them over. He brought them up to his lips and kissed her hands both on the backs and on her palms. He looked up at her as he pulled her close, putting her hands over his shoulders for her to wrap around them as he hugged her tightly. "Never let blood take you over like this. The only blood that has ever been on your hands was either in defense or in pleasure, neither which deserve you beating yourself up over."
Sheja looked at his shoulders and realized Twyn had already healed them himself. Just a little bit of half-dried blood remained to be cleaned up and she avoided touching it. "No one deserves to know what it's like to have blood on their hands," she said softly, closing her eyes and tilting her head down slightly, "...physically or metaphorically."
"But sometimes, when there's some sick bastard like your father who loves the feeling, you'll need to deal with it in order to make things right. Otherwise, people like him win."
"Have you always been so smart?" she said softly.
"Yeah. I couldn't be pretty and show off my smarts. That wouldn't have been fair to others. I'm also really good at math," he chuckled. He leaned in and kissed her collarbone softly and he felt her sigh at the touch. He hugged her a little tighter to him as he leaned back a bit, trying to coax her onto his lap. "I don't have much left and it's not like I can do any more damage than I've already done...so I feel like I need to bring your glow back before we call it quits for today," he said with a sweet playfulness in his voice.
"We really should get back down to the girls," Sheja said softly. As she tried to back away from him, he held her tighter.
"Get up here on my lap or I'm going to throw you back down on this bed," he threatened lowly, his voice soft but suddenly full of the playful malice she knew him for.
"Excuse you?" she replied, leaning back as far as she could.
"Wrong answer."
Sheja held her arms around herself as they walked back down to Twyn's home. She dressed herself in a comfy sweater and a pair of black leggings, secretly fuming that their jackets got left behind when she got forcefully carried out of Twyn's place atop his shoulder. Outside of that, her mind wandered as they walked side by side and she jumped when Twyn spoke to her.
"You okay?" he asked softly. Seeing her jump caused him to frown and he stopped, gently taking her arm and forcing her to stop a moment as well. "Sheja?"
She looked up at him briefly before nodding. "Just cold."
"Cold wouldn't have made you jump like you did," he admitted. He laid his hand gently on her cheek, cupping his fingers around to her ear. Even though her cheeks were flushed from the winter weather, her skin had a tinge of cold to it. "You're panicking," he said softly, almost sadly.
"I am not," she said, turning her face away from his hand. She was, but she didn't want to make Twyn feel even more guilty for her own unpreparedness.
"Don't you ever lie to me, Sheja," he said a little more harshly, his tone causing her to look up at him again. He stared at her with seriousness as he placed his hands on her arms and gripped her tightly to hold her attention. "I don't deserve lies from you."
Her heart froze in this snowy weather as he called her out.
Twyn stood staring at her, waiting for her to answer him.
"It was Leena's dream," she started quietly, her eyes turning away again. "She wanted three."
"This I know," he said. "But to have three, you have to carry one in Leena's place."
"I..." Sheja started but couldn't get any words out before her eyes welled up.
Twyn's seriousness dropped to heartache. "Let's not have this conversation out here," he said.
"I don't want this conversation at all," she replied, suddenly irritated.
"Too bad." He scooped her up and tightly held her close even as she complained, making their way down to his place a little quicker. He could sense more than just a broken condom weighing on her mind.
"Welcome back. Did you two have a good ru...oh, Sheja," Ily said, her tone dropping from playful to concerned seeing Sheja looking distraught, especially as she still struggled in Twyn's arms. "Everything okay?"
Leena looked up from the book she was reading to Arwen.
"She's got a lot on her mind. We're gonna take a few more minutes to talk in private," Twyn answered flatly, setting Sheja down and beginning to guide her towards the bedroom furthest from the living room.
"Leave me alone, Twyn!" she yelled as she jerked away from him. She instantly turned and while it wasn't full force, she gave him a hard shove backwards. Tears erupted from Arwen in her loudness.
Twyn was quick to steady himself and was right back on her, turning her back toward the bedroom again. "No. Now move," he demanded more fiercely, this time giving her a rough shove that sent her forward a few feet.
"I wonder what happened," Ily said as the bedroom door slammed.
Leena sat quiet as she tried to comfort Arwen.
"Have you ever seen them like that?" Ilyana asked.
"Never," Leena replied, concerned.
"You never wanted children, is that it?" he finally stated his observation once they could talk and not freeze to death. His voice stayed calm even though he seemed threatening out in the living room. "Why can't you just say that? No one would think less of you."
A tear rolled down Sheja's cheek as she stared straight into his chest, refusing to look up at him even as he tried to tilt her face up.
"Are you regretting the babies she's currently carrying?" he asked. This time there was pain in his voice.
"No," Sheja admitted quickly, wiping her face.
"Then what is it, Sheja?"
"I grew up as a man. Men can't get pregnant so I lost the maternal want," she finally answered after a moment of contemplation.
"So you want children, you just never wanted to bear children."
Sheja stood silent again but Twyn understood.
"Leena would have gladly settled halfway," he said, sitting her down on the guest bed and crouching in front of her.
"This still would have happened. Me, today," she said softly, a sniffle finally escaping from her as her emotions were starting to leak from her face. "No matter the situation, I still would have had sex. Something would happen. Results would be the same. Guess I should just be grateful it was with you."
Twyn tilted his head to the side briefly. Under Sheja's fates theory, she wasn't wrong. "If you get pregnant from this and it's something you don't want, we can go the medical center to fix it..."
"I can't do that to Leena," she mumbled.
"Leena would understand, Sheja. She would be right there to hold your hand in support. As would I," he assured, laying his hands on the sides of her legs. "You're not alone in this, and neither Leena nor I will ever force you to have a baby." The two sat in silence for several minutes, Twyn quietly watching the thoughts run rampant in Sheja's head. "Talk to me, beautiful. Let it out."
"I hate being a woman," she said after another moment of silence, a full sob erupting in her admittance and her sleeve-covered hands moving up to quickly cover her face.
There it is, he thought. "Why?" he asked.
"There's too much."
"We have all the time in the world. List them off. Let's go over these things one by one." As Sheja still sat silent, his voice snapped at her attention, "Sheja."
"I hate being a Taboo," she started after he made her jump again.
"Taboo is a word for women outside of Saorsa. Taboos don't exist here," he argued. "Next."
"I hate being looked at like a piece of meat."
"Well, you are a prime cut, beautiful."
Sheja glared at him.
Twyn chuckled. "Next."
"I hate that I still have feelings for you," she said, her voice dropping ashamedly this time as she lowered her face. She didn't want to see the look he was giving her.
"And you think I don't?"
Sheja turned her eyes up at him, not expecting to hear him say that.
"Don't get me wrong, I love Ilyana with all of my heart and my death would be my only reason to leave her...but way before she came along, there was someone who stole some of my heart while I wasn't looking."
"What are you saying?"
"That I only allow Ily's and Leena's taunts and nudges towards us having our times together like we have had is because it's the only time I'm allowed to live out the dream of calling you mine. I'm constantly jealous of my sister because I want you just to myself."
Sheja blushed, her brow furrowing as she tried to process his information.
Twyn sighed as he confessed all of this information to her for the first time. "I still dream about how I would have treated you like a queen if you were my wife, how we would have had our own happy little family. How I would never have acted so promiscuous if I had you as my court, your heart beating for me only."
"You thought Sorene was the one but you still acted like a Lady-bedding idiot. What makes me so different?"
"Because she wasn't my one and I didn't understand that until it was too late. You were out of my grasp and I had to let those little feelings go."
"Another reason I hate being a woman."
"Sheja, I would have still loved you as a man," Twyn said, looking up at her as he adjusted himself down onto his knees. "I said it at the lake house and I meant it. If I would have just gotten up the nerve and you actually accepted me, I would have happily loved you in quiet until we could find a home where we didn't have to hide it."
"If I was born a man, I wouldn't have ever loved you."
"Again, you tell us all the time that fate still makes things happen, regardless of the path it takes."
"I really hate that you guys all use my shit against me every time I turn around," Sheja groaned.
"That has nothing to do with you being a woman," he teased.
"Fuck off," she said quietly, lowering her head again as her irritation still slightly bubbled.
Twyn sighed seeing tears drop onto her leggings and soak into the fabric.
"I hate that I'm not a real husband for my wife," she said in a hoarse whisper, her voice cracking as the tears started to come more freely. "And I hate that I want to fulfill her dreams but I'm too much of a coward to do it. Fuck the fact that I might not have any choice."
"For one, you don't get to be the judge about how good or shitty of a husband you are," Leena's voice piped up as the bedroom door opened. She sounded angry.
Sheja looked up long enough in the surprise of Leena's eavesdropping but she quickly lowered her head again, adding guilt to her list of negative emotions she was already feeling.
"Leena, she—"
"No. She doesn't get to have a say in how real or not of a husband she is," Leena interrupted Twyn. "She can hate herself all she wants but it will never change how much I love her and am proud that she's my spouse. Husband, wife...I don't care. The proper term is mine and that's all I care about."
Sheja's heart stopped and she looked up at Leena. Leena's voice was glaring, but her eyes were gentle and full of love.
Leena sat down next to Sheja and took her hand. "I love you. Why would you hate that?"
"I don't hate that you love me..."
"No, I didn't say that. I asked why would you hate something I love? I love that you're a woman."
"Why? I can't happily provide you anything with this body."
"Again, I'm not allowing you to be the judge on what you can and can't accomplish. And why? Why is the sky blue, Sheja? Why do birds sing?" Leena asked. "Answer me this: Do you love me, Sheja?"
Sheja looked appalled at the question. "You know I do."
"Why?"
Sheja growled, her logic getting turned on her again.
"I mean it, Sheja. I know you're irritated with that but if I have to beat your own intellect back into you the get the point across, I will."
Sheja sighed.
"And you don't have to carry any children if you don't want to," Leena added, smiling at her. "I understand. And honestly, two are going to be a lot just on their own."
Twyn and Sheja's eyes met before Twyn looked up at Leena and Sheja looked back at the floor again.
"Did I miss something?" Leena asked, confused at their glances. "I know I just heard you say you didn't have any choice. I'm not going to force something like that on you, Sheja."
"You're not forcing me to do anything, Leens," Sheja said softly. "When I said that I might not have a choice, I meant we're already going to find out if I'm pregnant in the next few weeks."
"Wait, what?" Leena questioned. "Explain."
"There was a mishap today," Twyn said quietly, lowering his head. "Sheja needs some of your blood to see if she can salvage my screw up, by the way."
"A piece of rubber breaking isn't your screw up," Sheja barked loudly at him, hating that he was blaming himself.
Twyn fell backwards and Leena leaned away slightly.
"Sorry," she quickly apologized to the both of them. "I'm just scared."
Leena started laughing.
"Uh, Leens? You okay?" Twyn asked.
"You hate yourself because you're pissed, and you're pissed because you're scared?" she said, continuing to laugh. "I'm about to pop out two tiny mini versions of us. I have been living in absolute fear for the last seven and a half months because I wasn't lying when I said dreams were terrifying when they were becoming reality."
"Then why are you laughing? Kinda rude towards your wife's feelings, actually," Twyn said, staring at her in bewilderment.
"I wanted children, but I never wanted to be pregnant," she admitted, her laughter dying down to a soft chuckle. "But kinda difficult for a woman to have one without the other unless you're in Sheja's shoes and able to manipulate your twin brother's gunk, right?"
Sheja looked up at Leena, wondering if she was trying to make her feel better or worse.
"What's your body telling you, Sheja?" Leena asked, serious this time. "Really think about it. Why did you tell me you would carry a child for me?"
"Because of something you wanted and I wanted to give it to you."
"Is that all?"
"Because I wanted to grow our family," she said softly after a moment of thought.
"There it is," Leena chuckled. "The scary hard part is temporary. The hardest part is waiting for them to leave the nest so you can have your sanity back."
Twyn froze. "I never thought about that...."
"Sixteen to life, dude," she laughed.
Even Sheja chuckled.
Leena smiled.
"Twyn?" Sheja asked, her voice still pretty meek.
"Mon Shejri?"
"If this pregnancy fails...can you...I mean...can we try this again?"
Twyn's eyes widened and Leena gave a happy little bounce. He climbed to his feet and without thinking, kissed Sheja in his happiness seeing her try overcome the panic about the potential pregnancy weighing her down.
Leena cleared her throat.
Twyn quickly leaned back, his face completely red and Sheja reached up and touched her lips. "S-sorry, Leens...I j-just..." he stuttered.
"That brings me to another topic," Leena said softly, both her brother and wife looking at her. "You two. Ily and I already know your feelings, it's why we're okay sharing you two with each other and that's it. This in here though?" Leena stated as she gently poked the center of Sheja's chest and making Sheja chuckle as it tickled, "Her heart is mostly mine, understood? I will totally go the whole jealous wife and beat your ass when I'm not pregnant anymore if you try steal more than, say, five percent of her heart from me. And that's me being suuuuper generous."
"So, five percent of her love," he started in thought. "That's about...eight and a half hours a week that I get her all to myself? If that's the case, then buzz off when I kiss her," he laughed as he disregarded Leena's last protest and pushed Sheja backwards onto the bed, crawling over her and kissing her again.
Sheja groaned as her body protested but in all the commotion, the sound came out more pleasurable than intended.
"Hey!" Leena exclaimed, punching Twyn's arm with some force.
"Youch!" he cried, falling over next to Sheja and dramatically nursing his arm.
Sheja finally started laughing. "Do I still get no say in any of this?"
"Nope," the twins answered in unison.