[ 8:14 PM ]
"NICE!"
i pull the trigger; the sound of the releasing bullet cutting through the atmosphere sharply ringing through my ears.
another diet root beer can.
i pivot on my foot and take out a glass, it shattering.
"HOLY SHIT! YOU NATURAL!" matt shouts as i've finished taking out all of my targets, easier than i've expected.
we set up a "gun range" in gray's backyard. he had extra glasses and cans laying around and we stuck them around the backyard; on tree stumps or hung them on tree branches.
the sun went down and the light from the house is our flashlight. we're practicing for god knows how long.
matt walks toward me, arms raised with palms toward me.
"NOT A GOOD IDEA!" i tell him, gesturing to the .45 in my right hand. "BUT THANKS!"
"you... ell... ver... un before," he says lowly, and with the ringing in my head, i can't hear shit.
"WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?!"
his smile grows wider.
"I SAID YOU CAN TELL YOU'VE NEVER USED A GUN BEFORE!" i try to find my hearing, opening and closing my mouth. "IT'LL WEAR OFF! COME ON! YOU TWO DID GOOD TODAY!"
"THANK YOU!"
we three walk alongside each other, heading inside.
i test the heat of the gun by placing my palm near the nozzle. it's still hot.
"WHERE DO I SET IT?! I DON'T WANT TO BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!"
he grabs the gun from me and puts it with the other .45s. grayson does the same.
"I'LL START DINNER!" he yells.
"COOL! I'M GONNA GO CHEck on..." i stop talking as my hearing starts to kick back in and i realize how loud i really am. i clear my throat, embarrassed. "i'm gonna go check on apple," i repeat.
apple darling! where are you?
in the room!
i head to the room her and dom shared, taking the stairs with minimum effort. my body is exhausted and i know i'm not going to be able to relax any time soon.
once at the top of the stairs, i stop and take a huge sigh.
i wish dominic didn't have to go and leave. we could've made a plan to go in together. now i feel like i have more stress.
i sigh again and head into the room, seeing apple reading a book on the bed.
"hey little missy," i greet. "grayson's starting dinner. let's get you in the bath."
"okay," she says climbing out the bed.
"i'll run your water and wait out here."
i enter the restroom and start her water. she follows me inside.
"you looked so cool out there!" she exclaims.
after i get the water to a comfortable temperature, i look at her. she's grinning and her eyes glint happily. she's adorable and i don't want to be angry at her but i never want her watching me with a gun.
"were you outside?" i question harshly; unintentionally. she's silent, her proud expression fading slowly as she recognizes she's said something i don't like.
"i-i wanted to see you."
"no. no more of that. i don't want you seeing any of that."
"but-"
"no buts apollonia. these guns aren't here for entertainment purposes. they're real, and they're dangerous, and i don't want you to be anywhere near them or when i'm shooting them. do you understand?" i ask her, looking into her eyes. she nods. "good, now, let's get clean."
i stop the water and step out, cracking the door.
i take a seat on the edge of the bed and take in a small breathe.
my mind races.
dominic hasn't responded in almost five hours. i hope he's okay.
i don't even know why i care so much but i'm over trying to push people away. i have to stop holding this impossible standard over people's heads. everyone's trying their best.
i'm trying my best.
"i miss him," flies out of my mouth before i realize that i'm saying it.
i do.
nothing feels complete anymore. you just know that something is missing and that something is dominic fucking fike.
he's missing from me.
from us.
i hope he's okay.
i hear apple splashing around and having a small conversation with herself. i smile to myself.
he's going to come back.
he's doing this for her.
so we can all be one huge family.
it's a quiet fifteen minutes. i yawn as apple steps out the bathroom, towel wrapped around her body.
i stand and grab her backpack by the door. i pull out a pajama set and underwear, handing it all to her and turning around to give her privacy.
"you hungry?" i ask her.
"yeah, a little bit," she responds.
"okay, well we can go see when grayson's done with dinner."
"is dommy okay?"
"yeah," i try to say with confidence. "he's going to be back in no time."
i'm glad she can't see my face. i'm sure it's in direct conflict with my "secure" words.
"i can't wait to see noonie! have you met him?"
"yes, i have, he's pretty cool."
"the coolest! he's super funny. i miss him."
i smile to myself.
"as long as i'm alive apollonia, i will make sure that we're going to be one family together."
"you're a part of the family and i love that. you're so pretty and fun, and dommy actually likes you a lot!"
i chuckle.
"yeah? i think i like him a lot too," i tell her; some metaphorical and spiritual weight lifting off my shoulders, in the same moment.
this is the first time i've said it out loud to someone, not through telepathy. not to myself in my head.
i really like him.
"i know," she giggles.
"you know?" i repeat.
"done! and yes i know. the way you look at him."
"the way i look at him?" i ask back, seeming to only repeat her words as i'm intrigued by her perspective of what she considers a relationship.
i turn around to her.
"yeah! i don't know. i'm not an adult," she shrugs.
"but i think you're on the right track," i nod, chuckling.
"are you and him gonna get married?"
"slow down there young lady. we're not even considered boyfriend and girlfriend."
"why not? you like each other. together. easy."
"it's not that easy," i laugh, "some of us have things to heal before we jump into a relationship."
"heal what?"
"ourselves. sometimes people go through trauma and we have to heal from it."
"trauma? whats trauma?"
"hm," i pause, thinking of a way to explain to the seven year old in front of me what trauma is. "trauma is something that happens to you that effects you negatively. i'll be honest with you apple, we've given you trauma, and you've experienced it while being in that apartment by yourself. trauma is sort of like a really bad experience."
"does everyone have trauma?"
"i think it depends on the person. some wouldn't call or believe what's happened to them trauma. me in a nutshell, but i'm working through it."
"ohh, so dommy and noonie have trauma?"
"yes. i will give you an answer to that because the people who have them in there care, aren't good people."
"why don't they like us?" she asks, in an innocent, squeaky voice, pouting. "we didn't do a thing to them."
why don't they like us?
that's easy.
well they think we started a deadly virus that's going to wash over the world and kill nearly everyone with it.
"they're afraid of us," i answer.
"why?"
"they don't know what we can do. they're scared that we'll hurt them."
"we have hurt them," she speaks low.
"we..."
'had to' sits on the tip of my tongue but it doesn't come out. i couldn't.
our plan contradicts that.
dominic had to get captured in the end. we killed those people for what?
we didn't even have a plan yet!
we panicked. we made matters worse.
i look at apple, she waiting for a reply.
in a way, it was for her. to protect her; protect ourselves.
"we had to," i finally say. "we had to because we would've been in danger. you would've been in danger. we had to protect ourselves. some things have justification."
"just-ti-fi-ca-tion?" she sounds out, a bewildered look on her face.
"oh," i deflate, trying to see how best to tell this to her. "okay, so an example. we didn't want to do those things, but because we needed to get to safety; to survive; we had to. sometimes we have to go against ourselves."
"why?"
"sometimes it's just what happens. it's life."
"so... because dommy got guns and you were upset, he had to because he said he wanted to keep us safe?"
"yes! that's exactly what a justification is. you justify your actions. you had to get in the box and you didn't want to. what's your justification for that?"
"that... the box didn't make me feel comfortable? i didn't like it!"
"yes!" i grin.
"so there's a word for this?"
"there's words for everything mamas."
"who made words?"
i laugh.
"you know? i think that's enough questions for right now. come on. let's see about dinner."
we walk downstairs and into the kitchen entering on a conversation about how matt's dad was very masculine and tried to impose the concept of toxic masculinity onto him.
"he just really wanted to make me a "man"."
"men can cry," grayson states.
"facts. apple that's right, men can have emotion," i say, jumping in.
"i hadn't spoken to him since i moved out and got my own place," matt continues. "i needed to work on myself. i didn't want to be my dad. i've been working on myself a little bit more now especially with everything happening with you," he says, scolding me.
"try... harder!" i cough out.
he flips me off.
grayson chuckles to himself.
in my peripheral apple looks between the three of us.
"is food ready?" she asks.
"what did the chef prepare for us?" i question gray as i usher apple over to the table. she pulls her own chair out and sits. i push her close to the table.
"i fixed a hot stew of potatoes, chicken and carrots," he lists, turning a pot.
"cool," i nod.
we wait another ten minutes, me sitting on the island while matt sits on a stool at the island.
when it's ready, i jump down and help gray prepare the bowls.
i grab both apple and i's bowl and bring it over to the table.
"sit next to me raya!"
i set her bowl in front of her and set mine next to her. i pull up a chair and sit.
matt and grayson join us, giving us our spoons.
grayson sits opposite of me and matt, apple.
we begin to eat.
for a while, no dialogue is exchanged. the clinking of our spoons against our bowls spoke for us.
the broth of the stew burns my mouth slightly. it's flavorful, and bits of potatoes linger in my mouth.
it's all perfect but, i'm not in the mood for food like i thought i was.
"what do you guys think?" grayson questions, "the chicken was going to be no good so i decided to cook it. also, i don't have chicken in mine. i'm still vegan," grayson smiles.
"i love it!" apple smiles, eating spoonful after spoonful.
"yeah, it's not exactly bad," i tease him, "but my stomach doesn't want food right now."
"i'm not going to turn down free meals," matt shrugs.
"thank you, for cooking," i smile at gray. my next sentence pains me. "thank you- both- for fighting to stick with me. even though i hate one of you."
"it's more than that," grayson nods, "i think?"
"what do you mean?" i frown.
"i mean, we all lost something or someone; a few people. we don't want to be alone," he shrugs. "but, i care about you, and apple, even matt. we've been through what we've been through alone, but we've been through much more together. as long as you guys have my back, i've got yours."
"i'm tired of being seen as the enemy, so i've got all your backs," matt grins.
"if we're doing this, then we're doing this," i state, looking between the two. "these next few days, we're going to have to be on our shit, sorry A, but i'm talking waking up early, running, training with the guns, training in combat," i order, stirring my stew.
"yeah," grayson agrees, sipping his broth from his bowl.
i'm ready," matt nods, eating a spoonful of his stew.
"i just want everyone clear on what's supposed to happen or what could. if they find us early, it could be a stand-off and we'll have to be ready for that. we'll have to be ready for a surrender. fucking anything. if they come full force so do we. we have to be alert, sleep with both eyes open alert."
"we're ready ray. we're doing this," grayson grins.
"family right?" matt asks.
"yeah," i nod, rolling my eyes, "family."
we finish dinner quietly, a new kind of atmosphere in the air. a determination of sorts. this is life and death on top of the unknown from this virus.
but i know.
i know that as long as i have these people around me, maybe we can rule the world one day.
"hey raya?"
"yes love?" i ask, rinsing out both of our utensils and bowls.
"do you think you can sleep with me tonight?"
"of course!"
"okay! thank you!"
"you okay?"
"yes!"
there has to be a reason she asked me to sleep with her. she had her own room in the apartment.
i don't push her on this.
i hope she'll talk to me about it.
"okay let's go!"
we climb the stairs. my body weighs heavy. i need a shower but i decide against it, not wanting to walk back downstairs to grab clothes.
we enter the room and it's just silence. i imagine dominic saying something flirty or stupid. he was good at saying stupid things.
or walking over to me and grabbing me to feel our connection between each other.
i really hope he's okay.
my eyes fall on his bag and my legs move in that direction.
he didn't want to take anything because he was going to be right back. that's what he kept telling me the night before he left. his earthy natural odor creeps into my nostrils. his warmth burns my skin even though he's not here.
i pull open his bag and grab out a baby blue shirt.
i hug it to me, sitting on my ass and silently crying as everything in me wants him back here.
apple doesn't say anything. she just sits next to me and hugs my arm while rubbing my back.
"he'll be back," she whispers.
i don't know if it's the tone she said it in or if i'm desperate, but i believe her.
i hang on to every single syllable.
he's going to be come back.
{ a/n: wow it's been such a long time. this chapter was half written and sat so long in this app. i left my job so hopefully more updates? who knows at this point LMAO BUT i'm going to try to do more updates. this has been a wip for i believe over a year now maybe two ? i'm just about over it *british voice* (that's for you xerophyticc ) wish me luuucckkk in life haha
• shxy }