*trigger warning talk of abuse and suicided*
What I find is not at all what I was expecting. Tray was slumped over on the couch with a half empty bottle of Jack. I shut the door and stand there a moment studying him. He reminds me of some of my students who were feeling lost and alone. The ones that the world had forgotten and threw away. My heart breaks for him.
"You just going to stand there or are you going to sit down," Tray slurs without removing his eyes from the floor.
"Depends," I tell him crossing my arms.
"On what?"
"How you are going to treat me?" I try to block the concern and pity from my voice. If he is anything like my students the last thing he will want to hear in my voice is pity.
He finally glances up at me in confusion and tries to focus on me. Oh Tray what are you doing to yourself. What darkness are you carrying with you? What happened to cause you to be like this? I knew his happy go lucky attitude was a defense mechanism.
"I'm not going to tell you off as long as you don't try to fix me or tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm tried of that saying , but I'm more fucking tired of people trying to fix me. I know I'm broken and fucked up. I don't need them reminding me." He rants in a broken voice. Yep, he's just like my forgotten students. No one deserves to be forgotten. I'm going to have to tread lightly with him.
"Can I have a drink?" I ask pointing to the bottle and ignoring his outburst.
He studies me in confusion for a moment. I can tell that was not at all the question he was expecting. He stretches out his arm with the bottle, "help yourself. But I don't have a chaser."
I shrug my shoulders taking the bottle from him, "don't need one. A buddy of mine taught me to take shots of Jack without. Told me one day I would be able to use this skill to impress the male population. Guess that day is today." I raise the bottle to my lips and take a drink.
"Not going to lie Sky you just became ten times hotter than you already are. Dimitri is one lucky bastard." He leans back against the couch and closes his eyes.
I sit next to him and place the bottle on the coffee table. "Want to talk about what's on your mind or just sit here wallowing in self pity? I've got nothing but time while Dimitri is working so I'm good either way." I try to keep my voice free from emotion. He needs to make the decision for himself and I will respect whatever decision he picks.
"Not really much to tell," he says dryly.
I prop my feet up in the coffee table careful to not knock the bottle over and lean back next to him. "So we are wallowing in self pity then? Sounds good to me. I could use a good wallow. Its been awhile."
"What that fuck could you possible have to wallow about?" Tray asks opening one eye to look at me.
"I may enjoy reading Tray, but I'm not a complete open book. I have my darkness too."
"Enlighten me," he pushes me.
"Nope," I say shaking my head. "You my friend decided on wallowing in self pity. So we shall wallow and not talk about our shadows."
Tray lapses into a silence and I watch his inner struggle through his facial expressions. "I've never had a female friend before," he says softly.
I sit up and sit with my legs crossed underneath me on the couch facing him. "What about Aubree?"
He shakes his hands, "she's in her own category. She's our manager and sure we are tight, but there is always that line you know?"
I place my hand on his arm and when he doesn't finch away I leave it there. "Now that I do know."
He shocks me when he places his hand on top of mine, "so like I said I've never had a female friend before."
"I still have to call bullshit on that Tray."
He sit up, "I promise you it's true. Sure I've fucked a lot of girls and dated a few if you would even call what I did dating, but I've never had one as a friend."
Standing up from the couch I reach my hand out to him, "I would be honored to be your first."
He shakes my hand, "hate to break it to you, but you are far from my first. That honor belongs a girl named Amanda," he winks at me.
While I return to my seat I slap his arm, "that is not at all what I mean and you know it."
He chuckles. "I know I just wanted to mess with you. Can't blame me you set it up too perfectly for me."
"So now that we are officially friends I will share something with you. Something that even Dimitri doesn't know. And you have to promise not to tell him. I will tell him in my own time."
He sits up straighter and gives me his full attention, "I promise. Cross my heart. I'm all ears."
"When Dimitri left me the second time I thought about killing myself," I admit not meeting his eyes upset with my past self.
"Shit Skylar. Why?"
"Seemed like a good idea at the time. There was more than one event that contributed. One being I was struggling with a few of my classes and was feeling extremely overwhelmed. Another feeling like I was a failure and was going to let my parents down. Him leaving was the straw that broke the camels back."
He rests his hand on my knee, "still none of that is a reason to take you life."
I raise my eyes to his guarded one. "I know. Hence why I'm still alive. Dimitri left me extremely broken. I had placed all my trust in him even after he had broken up with me prior to this. He was going to be deployed and I told him I would wait for him even though he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me."
He pulls me into his arms when tears I didn't even know I had started to fall. "No one is worth taking your life over."
"I'm good now. Granted my tears are telling a different story. He had started to distance himself from me and I knew something was going on. Then one day he finally told me he had met someone new. We didn't talk for a long time after that. I made an incredibly stupid decision during that time." I pull myself from his arms.
"Does Dimitri know about that?"
"He does. My ears are still ringing from the tongue lashing he gave me," I crack a small smile at the memory.
"How were you able to forgive him after all the grief he flooded your life with?" Tray asks with sincerity.
I picture Dimitri's face in my mind and my heart skips a beat. "He's my soulmate. My life is dull when he isn't in it. True love has a funny way of making you forget the bad stuff. I had given him my heart the first time we dated and I never got it back. The universe continues to throw us together. Is there a part of me that is worried history will repeat itself, of course. But if I live my life in that fear I would be missing out on some pretty amazing things."
We lapse in another silence and I could tell Tray was lost in thought. He spoke so softly I almost didn't hear him. "My father use to be emotionally abusive towards my mother, my older brother and me. Leo would try to protect me, but he could only do so much."
Tray we have more in common than you think. I sit there patiently waiting for him to continue. And he does. "There were days I wish he would hit us instead. At least with that it would be over in one go. What pisses me off is people don't fully acknowledge that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical."
"Sometimes its even worse."
"Exactly." I have a feeling there was more, but I didn't want to push him. He was talking and that was more than enough.
"I'm going to ask, but you don't have to answer if you don't want to." He nods his head in agreement. "What brought on this downward spiral?"
He leans back and places his hands behind his head. "My brother called me the other day and told me he wants to try and have a relationship with my father. That he's a changed man. And that I should try too. But I don't want to. Too hell with him. He wasn't there when I wasn't famous and now that I am he is trying to weasel his way into my life."
"Do you think he is trying to get money out of you?"
"I don't think I know," he says with complete serenity.
"I want to share one more shadow with you. Remember the stupid mistake I mentioned earlier." He nods his head. "I got married while still in college."
"No way!" He glances at me in shock.
"Sad, but true and the one part of my life I regret." I glance down at my hands. "The reason why I'm telling you this is because I want you to know that I actually do understand some of what you are feeling. You see a few days into the marriage he started the emotional abuse. I won't go into details, but it got really bad."
"How long where you married to him?" I raise my eyes to meet his.
"Only a few months and most of those were only because it took awhile to get a court date for the divorce. Early in I realized it was wrong, but I tried to make it work because we were married and I didn't want to look back and wonder what if."
"What happened to make you change your mind?"
"He tried to cheat on me and didn't bother to call me when I graduated."
"Fuck Skylar. What's his name?" His eyes get an evil glint.
"Not telling. He's out of my life no reason to drag him back in. Not worth it. Your the second person I've told this to this week." He tilts his head to the side and raises a brow. "Aubree was the first. She asked me if there was anything in my past she needed to know about."
"Always business that one. I don't know what Ryder sees in her. She has to be great in bed."
"Be nice. Remember everyone has their own darkness they are fighting. You have no idea what darkness she may be dealing with."
He nods his head. "Fine."
"I actually need to come up with a creative way to share with the public my story before the press gets ahold of it and sitting here with you I think I have an idea." I jump across the couch to hug him at first he doesn't return it. "Well you helped and Mike."
"Who is Mike, but more importantly does Dimitri know who Mike is?"
"Seriously Tray chill. Mike is a former student of mine. We ran into him at Burger King after the concert in Chicago."
"I hate Burger King," Tray says with disgust.
I laugh, "I know that's why Dimitri wanted to go. But that's not what's important. You see Mike is in foster care and comes from a broken family. The few minutes of kindness Dimitri showed him changed his life. What if we start a program that teams a rocker or really any famous musician with a child in the foster system or who comes from an abusive home? They could be that child's mentor." My mind starts to race with all sorts of possibilities. "Do you think anyone would agree to be a mentor?"
"I know five guys who would be first in line."
"And even if you guys are the only ones that's five kids who have someone in their corner." I jump up and start pacing. "I can't wait to tell Dimitri and Aubree. But first you have a concert to play." I reach my hand down to him. "Come on time to get up and put your big boy pants on. You have a job to do."
He takes my hand and stands. He then pulls me into a hug. "Thank you for not telling me its going to me okay and for not trying to fix me."
I pull back slightly from him. "Tray I didn't try to fix you because you aren't broken. You only have a few shadows that sometimes take over for a moment."
He pulls me in tighter. "Dimitri is only lucky man."
"I couldn't agree more," says a new voice joining us. "Could you please remove your hands from my girlfriend and go do your job?"