B A B Y S T E P S
Thomas
I awaken in my bed, stretching my long limbs out as I groan. Blinking a few times, I repeatedly hit the screen of my phone to press snooze. My hand knocks an empty cup to the floor, my watch and my phone along with it. The alarm still blares and I scramble myself up to reach it.
"Fuck." My hands meet the floor and after a few attempts I manage to turn it off.
Already awake, I decide to get up instead of sit in my bed for the next hour, scrolling through my phone. I jump into a pair of black sweatpants before going into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face.
Out in the hall, a delicious smell wafts through the apartment. I pick up the faint sound of something sizzling in the kitchen. Sliding in there, Isabelle is already up and cooking. She's knotted her hair back and is swamped in the hoodie that I gave her to wear that only just covers a pair of grey short shorts.
"What are you cooking?" I ask, waiting until she isn't holding anything she can drop and potentially break. She whips around with a sparkling grin on her face. She looks so cute in the morning – her baby hairs frizz up and her face is still a little puffy from her night sleep.
"Bacon, eggs, sausage and some toast." I step towards her with each word she says until I can comfortably wrap an arm around her waist, pulling her close. She stables herself, pressing her finger tips to the muscles of my bare chest while staring up at me.
"Good morning." I whisper, gently giving her a little squeeze.
"Good morning. I hope you're hungry." I nod and she steps away, retrieving the toast that's jumped out of the toaster.
"Starving." I answer. I pour out a drink of orange juice before sitting down at the island. Within the next five minutes, she's plated it all up and we've started eating. Everything has been cooked to perfection, the eggs have a runny yolk, the bacon has just the right amount of crispiness.
"So, I've been thinking..." She begins after we've been eating for a few minutes.
"Uh oh." I wince. "Is it good or bad? Please don't be bad."
"It's not... bad bad. But I want to talk about it." I nod along with her. "Before I start, I want to say it sounds stupid and selfish, I'm aware, but I know what your reputation is-."
"That's not fair." I interrupt. I don't want to be judged on people's perception of me when they don't know me at all. Most of all, I don't want her to judge me.
"Let me finish. Let me say what I want to say, please." She holds both of her hands up to stop me and I nod my head to agree. "Whether it's true or not, that's how people see you. It's how other girls see you."
"But-." I can't help but interject.
"Sorry, are my lips moving?" She scowls.
"Yes." I answer, biting back a smile at the obvious opportunity to stare at her lips.
"Then that means I'm talking. So listen -." Her bossiness does something to me.
"I'm not saying that's how I see you. However, you are notorious for hooking up with a lot of girls. I'm not asking you to wait around for me but I also don't really like the idea of seeing you with anyone else, does that make sense?"
"So what you're saying is..." I wave my fork around in the air as I speak. "You can't commit to me right now but you want me to commit to you?"
"God, it does sound like that doesn't it?" She crumples her face up into her hands and I edge my seat closer to comfort her almost with a laugh.
"I get what you're saying. I do." I gently shake her arm as she slumps down onto the counter with a groan. "Look, I'm not interested in any other girls."
"What about Cassidy?" She asks, her voice muffled. I tug on her elbow so she'll look at me.
"No. Not anyone. I don't like anyone the way I like you."
"I want to be able to commit, believe me, I do, but it's just really soon after Nate." She sighs. I flinch at the sound of his name. I hate hearing it.
"I know. I get it." I tilt my head, shortly smiling at her.
"It was Sam who proposed the idea to me on the beach and it's been on my mind a lot ever since." She explains, shyly.
I stand, taking her plate away and putting it beside the sink with mine. She spins around on her stool to face me and wraps her arms around my middle, resting her head against my chest.
"I want you so badly." I whisper, pulling back so she can see my face. "But I'm not going to rush you into anything that you don't want."
"I just need a little more time."
"Of course." I plant a kiss on the top of her head and she leans back, squinting her eyes and scrunching her nose up as if she's embarrassed. We chuckle, rocking side to side in a hug.
**
Isabelle
Towards the end of my shift, it grows quiet so I've been laying on the baby pink leather couch at the back of the salon, reading one of my many books. Eva busies herself with cleaning up the place despite my several attempts of offering to help. Violet finishes with a customer, taking their payment. She makes her way over to where I am, a granola bar in hand. She nods her head so I lift my legs in the air. With an exasperated sigh, she crashes down on the opposite side of the couch and I put my legs back down on her lap.
"Your boyfriend called the other day." She wriggles into a comfortable position. I frown, clearing my throat out.
"He's not my boyfriend and – why?" I fold my book up, placing it down beside me.
"He said you wanted cheering up and he was clueless of how to try and make things better."
Eva takes a break from cleaning, both of them listening to me recalling the events of the beach, the nightmare and the cookies that he made for me. They don't interrupt me once, intently concentrating even when I struggle to find the right words to explain myself.
"I am starting to feel like I could really fall for him and it's fucking scary." It's hard for me to picture my future without him having some kind of role in it. It's not something I thought I'd be experiencing again and especially not this soon after Nate.
"Have you fucked yet?" Violet questions with her mouthful of food.
"Vi!" Eva's eye widen behind the golden frames of her glasses. "You can't just ask that!"
"What?" Violet returns, shrugging. "Don't pretend you weren't thinking it as well." I lightly chuckle at the pair of them.
"To answer your question – no. We haven't. We haven't done anything."
"At all?" Eva now kneels down on the floor with intrigue. I shake my head at both of their shocked faces.
"Part of me wants to, but I'm just nervous." I move my legs off of Violet, sitting forward. "Sex wasn't something I ever enjoyed. It was an establishment of power and pain for Nate. It wasn't... good for me." I looks down at my hands, picking at my nails.
"It's good that you guys are taking things slow. I just didn't realize you'd not done anything at all, you know, with him being a bit of a player."
"I get it. Believe me, I've been thinking the same but I'm just not ready yet." I give them a sad smile in which they both return.
A quietness brews in conversation, the stereo buzzing a song in the background. Eva puts her hands on her knees and stands, grabbing her cloth again.
"Right, I've got to get this place all cleaned up and ready." She remarks and I throw her a quizzical look. "I'm visiting my parents tomorrow so I'm out of town."
"Your parents?" Violet questions, her purple head tilting to the side as she leans forwards. "I didn't know that."
"I'm pretty sure you did." Eva comments, turning her back on us while she starts wiping down a mirror. I catch the confused look on Violet, watching the cogs in her mind turn like she's trying to pull out the memory.
"Well why don't I come with you? I'm sure they'd love me. I am pretty awesome." She grins cheekily and I laugh, giving her a playful nudge.
"Yeah, I can handle this place for a few days if you need me to. I don't mind." I offer.
"See?" Violet doesn't notice Eva tense. "That would be great. I've not met them before so this is the perfect chance."
"No it's fine." Eva brushes the suggestion off, moving onto the next mirror. "The flight is booked so..."
"I can easily get a ticket-." Violets excitement gets immediately shut down as Eva flicks around.
"Violet. Leave it." Eva's words cut through the air like a knife, her teeth gritted. "If I wanted you to come, I would've invited you." Chewing on the corner of my mouth, I'm unsure what to say next - or if I should speak at all. Violet gulps hard and then scoffs.
"You didn't bring it up, otherwise we would've already had this conversation." Realization washes over her face, sucking the delicate pink out of her cheeks. "This was your plan wasn't it? You wanted to wait until it was the last minute so I had no other option but to let you go on your own, right?"
"Guys let's-." I try to intercept as it starts to get heated.
"That's not fair Eva." Violet stands up, taking a few steps forward Eva with pleading eyes.
"You know nothing about what is fair. You don't know what my family are like."
"Yeah because you haven't given me the chance to meet them."
"Because they don't know you exist!" Eva cries out. Everything goes silent. It's deafening how silent this silence is.
"What?" Violet's shoulders drop and her whole body is drained with confusion. "They don't know... anything?" I can't see Violet's face but from the waver in her voice, I can only assume there's tears in her eyes.
"Not everyone's family is going to be as supportive as yours Violet." Eva sounds more angry than upset. "You're so lucky but you'll never understand that. Never." With that, Eva storms out of the salon. I listen out, hearing the noise of the front door opening and slamming shut. Violet stands frozen, her black boots glued to the floor.
"What the fuck...?" Violet's voice cracks and I instantly jump up, racing over to hug her. She slumps into me, upset. I rub my hands on her back. "What the hell just happened?"
"Don't worry." I pull back, her eyes bloodshot from preventing herself to not cry. "Hey. It's going to be okay."
**
We lock up the salon early and I check that Violet's okay a hundred times before I leave her. I do not ever want to experience them two arguing again. Out of every disagreement they could've possibly had, that was not the best one from them to have in front of a third party.
I clean my shoes on the welcome mat, hugged by the warmth of the apartment. Making my way through, I hear the shower running and Thomas whistling a tune to himself. I've noticed that he doesn't ever sing, hum or whistle unless he thinks he's alone. I don't ever call him out on it either in case I embarrass him.
Getting myself a water from the kitchen, a phone starts ringing. Looking around the room, I locate Thomas' phone sat on charge on the marble worktop. I decide to leave it but then it rings again. Skating past, I see Amanda's name next to three missed calls. The phone almost instantly starts chiming again. I can't help but worry that it might be an emergency because she's hounding him to pick up.
"Hey. It's Isabelle." I pick it up, deciding that he won't mind if I answer it.
"Oh hey girl!" Amanda sings back, happily. "How are you?"
"I'm good. How are you? How's Rex?" I return her question, contagiously smiling from her cheerfulness.
"I'm not too bad thanks. Rex is good, a handful as per usual." We share a laugh. "Have you banged my brother yet?" Forward. Very forward.
"No, erm I haven't." I twiddle the cord of the charger in my hand, awkwardly chuckling at her bluntness.
"Speaking of, is he around?" She questions after our laughter dies out.
"No, I just found his phone charging and I'm pretty sure he's in the shower. I don't know how long he'll be but I can tell him you called."
"Yeah, get him to phone me back please."
"Will do."
"Great. Nice to speak to you."
"Yeah you too. See you later." I hang up, putting the phone back where I found it.
**
Sighing, I roll my shoulders further back into the pillows of my bed. I adjust my laptop screen, waiting for a right pause in conversation before I speak again.
"Do you want to talk about what happened earlier?" I question, tilting my head at Eva who appears on the screen in front of me.
"It's difficult. My parents are Christian and I'm worried they might not accept me.I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want to keep lying to them." She shakes her head, keeping her eyes down.
"Wouldn't they love you regardless? I mean, isn't that what the bible is about? Loving everyone?"
"It is but it's not always that easy. I want to tell them, I just don't know how they'll react. I'm terrified." She gives me a sad smile.
"We love you Eva, no matter what you decide to do."
"I know. Violet just doesn't understand how hard it is for me. She had everything so easy and doesn't think about other people that experience different things."
"She will." I nod, softly. "Eventually." There's a long pause where she takes a sip from her mug of tea.
"So what about your parents? Are they religious?" She questions.
"I don't know." I almost laugh with a shrug. "Not that I know of." She tilts her head, throwing me a confused look. "I've not spoken to my parents in over a year. Because of Nate, I lost contact. They could be anywhere doing anything right now and I- I wouldn't know."
"Have you not thought about reaching out?" The thought has crossed my mind, especially after seeing Thomas with his sister.
My parents were so great and did so much for me which is why I feel terrible that I stopped talking to them. What if they don't want anything to do with me now? What if they've processed the loss and there's no void for me to fill anymore?
"Maybe I'll try. I just don't know what I'd say. I guess... I could explain things but... it's not that simple and it's definitely not that easy. So I get where you're coming from." I trail off and watch her give me a comforting smile.
"Thanks Isabelle. You've given me a lot to think about."
"As long as you're alright though?" I check with her.
"Yeah. I'm fine. I'll be fine, I promise." She briefly looks over her shoulder. "I should go because I've got to be up early so I'll speak to you at some point."
"Okay. I hope you have a nice time." The call ends and I close the lid of my laptop before I put it on charge on my desk. I get undressed, ready for bed.
Going out into the hall, I hope that I'll bump into Thomas on my way to the bathroom but he's not there. I haven't seen much of him at all since our chat a few days ago. It reminds me of when I first moved in here. I've been busy with reading and work and he's been at classes and doing whatever it is that he does in his spare time. I've missed our usual interactions and some of our newer ones but I've been too distracted with everything else going on.
I scoop through my makeup bag trying to find a new chap stick when I come across an old compact mirror I used to use. It's white with a light blue flower on the back that my Mom painted for me. It was a birthday present. I've not seen it in so long, it's been lost within everything else in the bag.
Opening it, I gasp out when a pair of familiar, cold eyes glare menacingly at my reflection from over my shoulder. My grip on it looses and it falls to the floor as I whip around. He's not behind me. Of course he's not behind me.
I take a few deep breathes, my hand clutching my heart as it pounds in my chest. Resting my head back against the wall, I collect myself before picking up the mirror. From the fall, it's broken in half. I grab the two pieces and throw them in the trash.
Back in my bedroom, I pick up my copy of To Kill A Mockingbird and continue where I left off, aiming to take my mind off what I thought I saw. I curl up on top of my bed, reading in the dim light of the room.
**
I stir awake to the harsh sound Thomas' aggravated but muffled voice. Wrinkling up my nose, I sit up, my book slipping off of my chest. I place it on the side, wincing at my bedside light. My bare feet meet the cold floor as I shuffle toward the door to see what's going on. I don't bother changing out of my thong and white crop top.
Standing in the hallway, I peer into the longue where Thomas is on the phone. He has his bare back to me, hunched over on the couch, loud and angry. I don't think I've seen him quite like this before. He's speaking so rapidly, with so much passion and anger that I can't even make out what he's saying. I comb my fingers through the front of my hair before taking another step.
"Thomas." I call out to him. He fails to hear me, the hoarseness of my voice being drowned out by his annoyed tone. Despite not being able to see his face, I can tell his teeth are gritted and his jaw is clenched. "Thomas!"
"What?" His head turns around, hitting me with the same aggression in his voice.
"Come to bed." I beckon softly. His shoulders drop, relaxing. It feels like I've just watched all of his anger flood out of his body – as if he was wound up and he's suddenly been loosened.
"I've got to go." He says into the phone and hangs up before the receiver has a chance to say anything else.
I make my own way back to my lowly lit room, crawling back into the warm comfort of the sheets. After flicking all the lights off, I adjust the pillows as he enters, releasing a stressed sigh. The door clicks shut behind him.
"What was that about?" I question, nestling myself down into the mattress. He scratches the back of his neck, sauntering over to stand still at the end of the bed.
"Have a guess." He replies, flatly.
"Is it Dad related?" He nods to me, unenthusiastically. "Come here." I gesture my head to the open space next to me. Dimples faintly form on his cheeks as his handsome face flickers into a short smile.
His muscles flex as he kicks off his grey sweatpants, leaving him in just his black Calvins. He does have an incredible body. I seem to always catch myself staring. He's also caught me before which I'm sure he never minded.
He slides his body underneath the covers beside me. With a quiet sigh, I roll over on my side to face him. Heat radiates off of his body onto me. He lays flat on his back, his hands sitting over his lap. The dim light highlights the profile of his face.
"Are you okay?" I whisper.
He doesn't respond. I know that he isn't someone that easily nor openly talks about how he's really feeling. I blink at him a few times, waiting in case he decides to say something.
With a long breath, he shuffles around until our heads are level and he's facing me. His warm hand hooks around the back of my knee and hoists it up over his legs. His soft fingers swirl attentively against the skin of my thigh. I fish for his left hand and place it flat down in between us. I draw circles in his palm, watching where my touch meets him.
His love language is heavily concentrated in touch. We're both similar in that aspect. Affection is also how I like to communicate. I was silenced for so long that it just makes me sense to me. It's something else I really like about him. He is an affectionate, physical person, I notice him lightly touching my sides or leaning against me. Little things like that, that maybe other people wouldn't notice. But we both do.
"I was thinking about reaching out to my parents." I explain. "What do you think?"
"Well it's got nothing to do with me but I think it would be a good idea. I'm sure all they want is to know that you're okay." His voice is low and husky now we're in the dark.
"Yeah. I just feel so guilty thinking about them. I didn't mean to let things get so out of hand. I couldn't even see what was happening."
"There's no way you could've known. He was manipulating you." A montage scene of my relationship with Nate flashes through my mind. God, I was so blind, so stupid but above all else so scared.
"I hate him. I hate people like him. They're so... weak." He murmurs.
"I'm so glad I got out. I'm so glad I'm here." He briefly smiles and I tilt my head. "Who was on the phone?" I ask quietly.
"It was Amanda. She has a different relationship with our Dad because he helps her out with Rex. She's on the fence, trying not to take sides but I'm bias to Mom, I can't help it." He elucidates. "Apparently he wants me to work with him in his business. He's doing it because he wants to help me." He sounds disgusted. "I don't need the help and I don't have any need for a father anymore. Especially not one that abandoned us."
"Yeah. I can see that's frustrating." Thomas is a stubborn, strong headed guy – especially when it comes to his Dad. I don't want to upset him any further from offering another perspective. "You and Amanda probably won't agree on that kind of stuff because your circumstances are different."
"Exactly. It's good he's helping Amanda out with Rex but I just... God, I don't know." His voice diminishes and we both focus on each other's touch.
My attention switches to his fingers tickling along the skin of my bare leg. Shivers crawl down my spine. We lay still, in a comfortable silence, for a few minutes, enjoying the presence of one another.
We don't speak. We don't really need to. I know a lot of the time that I'm hard to read. I know that he struggles with that because he's not used to it. But for the most part, I think he has an idea of where my head is at.
"Close your eyes." I whisper, almost inaudibly.
"Why?" He questions, suspicious.
"Just close 'em." He frowns with a smile but does it.
I take a moment to stare at him, the way the dim light carves out his cheekbones or catches his eyelashes that are unfairly long. His breath is steady and relaxed, puffing out coolly against me. I cup his cheek, tickling the side of his face.
Gradually, I lean in, pressing my lips to his. I give him the lightest kiss possible and even then he smiles against my mouth. I decide to reward him and give him another one, a longer one that remains just as soft as the first.
His big hands wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to his burning chest. He kisses me back, our mouths quickly growing hot and fervent. He noisily breathes out of his nose, his tongue delicately lining against mine.
Before I can decide it's a bad idea, I roll over, straddling myself on top of him. I fall into his kiss, so lost that I don't even notice his hands moving down my body, gently squeezing my bare ass. I tug on his bottom lip with my teeth as he bends his knees underneath me. I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach but they're dancing to their own soundtrack.
Even though I know I shouldn't, I can't help but grind my hips back against him. His mouth is soft but insistent, like he's trying to draw something out of me.
I feel him as he grows excited underneath me. His fingers dig into me and I moan with his kiss. An ache starts to burn inside me as things get so heated, so quickly.
We're separated by thin pieces of fabric that could so easily be removed. We could have each other right here, right now.
The idea is killing me a thousand times over.
It takes every ounce of will power I have to pull away, sitting up. Panting, I flatten my hands on his bare chest and he drags his fingers down my hips, onto my knees that are either side of him.
"I need a minute." He chokes.
I fall off of him, bouncing onto the mattress. I throw the covers off the top half of my body, getting some air. It feels like steam is coming off of my skin. We both take a few moments to collect ourselves before returning to each other like magnets.
I stroke the side of his face with my thumb and he nuzzles into my touch. I want to give myself to him but I'm scared to. I'm worried that I'll open myself up to someone new and get hurt. It's not about him. It's all about me. I'm just not ready yet. But everything about him is so tempting, intoxicating. It just makes it all the harder.
"If I give you an inch, I don't want you to take a mile." I whisper, my voice barely travelling through the small gap between us. And even now – it feels like we're not close enough.
"I won't." Where my eyes have adjusted, I see him gazing at me through the dark. "Maybe a few feet." We both crack up, giggling like school girls.
"Baby steps." He nuzzles the tip of his nose against mine.
"Baby steps." He repeats. "You know, I can't stop thinking about you, all day. Every day."
"Neither." I grin. I can't help myself. He does really know how to sweet talk me. It's actually quite annoying how well it works but it's still cute. He tilts his head to the side, kissing my thumb as I graze it along his jaw. "You know, we've not slept in the same bed before." I point out.
"That's true. Do you think you can resist me?" He cocks an eyebrow.
"Ooh, I don't know." I joke. "I think I'll be able to control myself." I nod, confidently.
"Yeah because you did such a great job like two minutes ago." He returns sarcastically. I playfully smack his arm, offended.
"Says you, Mr I Need A Minute." I tease, recoiling away.
"It's not my fault you're so hot." He reaches out for me, bringing me closer again.
"Hmm, thanks. I'll take that."
"You should." We stare at each other as he rubs his feet against mine.
Just by the way we look at each other, it's like we're having a whole conversation without saying anything. Sometimes the way he looks at me makes me want to die. A stare so intense and sexy that it just makes you want to take your clothes off. It's terrifying feeling like this again. It's scary how fast it's happening even though I'm making sure we're taking things extremely slow.
I feel bad for him, this is new for him, well it's new for both of us obviously. He's not used to waiting around for someone. I can see that sometimes it pains him and I feel guilty. He won't want me to feel that way but I can't help it.
After another few minutes of staring at each other and quietly chatting, his face wrinkles up as he yawns.
"Goodnight." I draw my hand away from the side of his face.
"No, let's keep talking!" He pleads, grabbing for my hand once again.
"You're tired."
"I'm not that tired." He complains.
"Thomas." I put my foot down sternly, narrowing my eyes at him.
"I'm not!" He cries out, defending himself. I have to smile at him. He has a childish, playful and sweet side. It's endearing a lot of the time, sometimes a pain in the ass but mostly charming.
"Well I am so..." I cut myself off with a yawn of my own. He pins strands of hair behind my ear.
"You go to sleep then."
"No because you'll just lay there and look at me." I protest.
"Then don't go to sleep." He laughs and I shake my head at him.
"I will kick you out." I chuckle, pushing him away from me.
"Okay, okay." He manages to find my wrists, underneath the covers. "Kiss me." I cock my head away from him. "Come on, just one more?" He begs.
"Nope." I slip out of his grasp and turn my back to him, laying on my side. He dips his head in the crook of my neck, peppering me with quick kisses. I let out squeals of giggles. "Stop it!" He moves back, following my orders. He winds his large, warm arm around my waist and gently shuffles me into his lap.
"Is this okay?" I nod, nestling my head into the pillow.
He stretches his other arm through the gap underneath my neck and I lace my fingers with him. I close my eyes and let myself drift off, cuddled up in the safety of his arms.
****
- Frankie Kate