Hey, hey, hey, hey
Don't you violate me
Cause I'm a make ya hate me
If you decide to mess with mine
Shrunk you down to size
Make ya realize
You done messed up this time
Lila Rose
Harry is so magical. I don't even know how he does it, but he makes me feel so appreciated and warm inside, something months ago would have made me tremble in my knees, but it's all happening now. And it's making me so happy.
We currently walked along the railing of the Pier, a little stuffed teddy bear held to my chest with one hand and the other was combined with his. Harry's hair was fluffed in the wind, his nose pink with the cold and I fawn over every single inch of his rosy cheeks. It only took harry one try at the ring toss to get the bear, and the look on his face when he won was something I will never ever forget.
"what are you gonna name your bear?" He asks as we start heading home, the sun slipped behind the horizon hours ago. I think for a minute, his hand swaying with mine in the air.
"Hope," I decide and he raises his eyebrows at me, repeating the name and I nod, knowing that every time I look at this bear I will be reminded of him and how much hope he gives me, especially this night alone with him.
"Why Hope?" he asks, our hotel in sight already and the thought of him leaving me pains my chest, but I respond anyway. I don't want to leave him, especially after how much fun tonight and earlier today was, but I know he needs his alone time. I can't be clinging to him all the time, and I'm sure he's going to get sick of me if I stay around too long.
"Because...because when I think of tonight...I think of Hope," I shrug and he smiles to himself, his hand leaving mine to tug my waist into his side, sliding his arm around my shoulder and we walk in silence for a little before we enter the hotel lobby, me sighing at the thought of leaving him.
"Thank you for the bear," I smile as the elevator climbs up floors at a time and he smiles, pecking my lips so softly I barely feel his lips, and he nods, bringing my lips back to his for a long kiss before we walk back out to the hallway, walking so slow. I know he doesn't want to leave me either by how close he's holding me, but we were only a room away from each other the whole night...plus you never know, he may end up cuddled in my room or me in his.
"thank you for letting me take you away from your books tonight," He smiles when we reach my door and I smile up at him as wide as possible, seeing his eyes light up. "Thank you for everything you do," I mumble back and he inhales, leaning forward and my back is pressed against the door as he devours my lips, his tongue sliding between them and I hum into his mouth at his eagerness. He pulls back, resting his forehead against mine and I breathe in his scent again.
"Come get me if you need anything, okay, my lavender?" He whispers and I nod, whispering a promise under my breath.
"Goodnight, bub," I whisper to him and I don't miss the way he melts at the name, leaning forward one more time to kiss me before whispering a goodnight.
;;;
I feel like I slept okay without him in the room, but considering I woke up around six I knew that Harry wouldn't be up for a while, and I was so tired but couldn't get myself to go back to sleep, and I don't want to bother him, so I decided to read my book for a while. I love to read. If I could I would stay in here all day long and read my heart out, but I know we have a show in some hours, but I'm not really as nervous as I usually am.
Being on stage isn't as nerve-racking as being out and open in public is for some reason, and I've never really known why. Even as a kid when I had to go on stage with my dad I always preferred that to go around a bunch of paparazzi. I think being like this with Harry helps me so much when it comes to being in public, but at the same time the paparazzi at the airport stress me out so much that I can't get my head out of that space where I destruct.
I look up from one of the books I had just started reading, my door handle turning and I assume it's Harry, considering he has a key to my room anyway, and I smile when I see his shirtless body, shoulders slumped sleepily and his hair was ruffled, curls going every direction. He was wearing a pair of grey sweats, nothing on his chest and I trace my eyes over every inch of his tattoos I can.
He doesn't even say a word, his sleepy eyes connecting with mine and he smiles sleepily, crawling up on the bed and plopping down next to me, his head landing on my chest and I let out a breathy laugh. He smiles, blowing raspberries against my skin before just humming in satisfaction.
"Good morning, Harry," I smile, pressing kisses to his forehead and he smiles, mumbling something under his breath before closing his sleepy eyes, and before I knew it, he was asleep. I just curl my hands through his hair, letting him sleep soundly and just going back to reading my book.
This book was a bit different than any other I've ever read but in a good way. I've never really been one for romance books, normally falling in love with anything fictional-romance or not- but this one was a hardcore romance book called Flowers From The Storm, and I'm in love with the characters that the author has involved.
For some reason, I was never the best writer in school, besides the music of course, but writing poems is way different than writing a book, and considering I'm a musician for a living, I bet you can conclude which one I'm better at.
Harry shifted a bit, holding me around my waist and I stop my reading to smile down at him, pecking his forehead lightly to not wake him up.
All of this planning and organization that goes into a tour must be stressful on him, and I can tell in the way his back was so tense. I hate knowing that, knowing that he has so much stress on his plate with me on top of it all, and I wish I knew how I could alleviate the stress from him and put it on me, but I know he would never let me do that.
I kept myself reading for another hour while my left hand played with his fluff of curls, his cheek squished against my tit-not sexual but enough to to have my cheeks heating-in the most adorable way.
I hope he can't feel my nipple piercing on his cheek.
I don't really know why I decided to get that done, but after getting a thigh guarder tattoo around my lower thigh, I wanted something more, and since I left my nose piercing in 2015, I wanted a statement. It isn't me, but it defiantly makes me feel like a badass when not wearing a bra. This takes me back to right now. Please tell me my nipples aren't hard.
Harry shifts again, turning his head the other way, towards me more now and I see his eyelashes flutter open as I continued to read my book.
"Lavender," he mumbled, closing his eyes again and I twirl his curls around my pointer finger as he slowly wakes up. "Hello," I coo against his hair and he smiles, hugging himself more up my body and I put my book aside to hold his tired face in my hands, stroking his cheeks with my thumbs.
"You look sleepy," I giggle and he rolls his eyes, flopping his face back down on my chest and I giggle at him. "I am sleepy," he grumbles, turning his head to look at the clock that sat on the side table next to me, my hands playing non-stop with his hair.
"Why are you awake so early?" He asks, resting his chin on my chest and I shrug, looking down at him and he frowns, raising a hand to brush the piece of hair that had fallen from my bun out of my eyes. He rolls off of me to lay on his back, arms and legs spread out and I trace my eyes over every inch of his golden tanned chest, abs so perfect and he opens one eye to look at me, smiling. I smile embarrassed to myself, looking away and he giggles. He tapped my knee, making me look back at him and he sighs.
"You should have come and gotten me," He mumbles and I look down at my book, knowing he was right but I don't want to admit it. He sighs again and he slides up the bed, settling next to me against the headboard and I shift a little towards him when he wraps his arm around me.
"You've gotta be sleeping more, baby...hate that you won't sleep," He whispers as he presses little kisses all over my cheek and I nod, knowing he was right, and I was pretty tired usually when I wake up early like this, but I can never get myself to go back to sleep.
"I am tired, I just can't get myself to go to sleep," I mumble, and he sighs, kissing my lips lightly and he starts to mumble against them.
"Let me get you to sleep, baby... let's take a nap, yeah?" He says and my eyes immediately feel tired and get heavy at the softness in his voice and I nod, throwing my book aside and I slide down to the bed next to him, his hands automatically pulling me forward and he hooks my thigh over his hip, and I smile at the fact that I haven't harmed in almost a week now. He makes me so happy. I can't believe how happy I am with him.
Harming used to be something I would do in the daily, especially when Ian was around. I remember how much he thrived to see those scars and to see the way that he hurt me mentally engraved into my skin with every shine of a silver knife. At most times it was an automatic reaction to how hard he would punish me or how low he would go with his insults. I still understand it's my fault, all of it is, but the more I lay here with Harry, the more I see that relationships with love do exist.
I'm not saying I'm in love with Harry-not yet- but I would say that the way he cares for me and the way he touches me is out of love, out of love for keeping me here with him.
Even with everything wrong with me, and my body, Harry stepped in and let me hold onto him. He let me do that, even when I was crying and a sobbing mess. He let me in and I don't ever want to have to be without his touch again.
"What're you smilin' about?" He says as his knuckles drag across my cheek, soothing my heated skin and the simple touch has my eyes closing for a second, opening to look at him again.
"You make me so happy," I whisper and I swear I see his pupils dilate, licking his lips quickly before pressing them to mine and I just sigh into his lips, soaring in the clouds as his familiar taste makes my heart smile.
"You make me so happy," he says back, letting me take his lips in mine again and he rolls us over until he's on top, my tongue between his lips and I inhale as he nips and sucks his way down my jaw, my hand sliding up and down on his warm shoulders, toying with his chain around his neck.
"Taste so good," he mumbled and my eyes close at the euphoric feeling of his hands as they slid up the back of my shirt, holding me so close to him as he can and I love how his hands go anywhere they want to go and I breathe in his scent.
"Harry," I mumble and he sucks and pulls just below my ear, my eyes rolling back and my heart races in my chest at a feeling. I'm not ready for anything sexual with Harry, and I know I won't be for a little time, but I swear every time he touches me I feel the protective walls slowly crashing down around me.
My vagina hates my trauma more than I fucking do.
"Close your eyes baby, you need sleep," he whispers, pressing his lips to mine one more time and I close my eyes as he presses little kisses all over my face, pecking my ear before tugging me towards him even more. He raises his hand up to hold my cheek, humming and my eyes flutter closed, falling asleep quickly at the sound of his soft humming.
________________
The flight to New York was definitely stressful, but by the time we got to the house the management had rented for the time we were there, I was ready for anything.
Harry was out in the kitchen making some food for us, claiming he is the best chef out of us all, which I'm not even sure is true, but I'm struggling with the time changes in my room as I unpack my bag a little.
The show was later tonight, but considering this is the biggest arena in New York, I knew we had to get there soon so that we don't get attacked with paparazzi.
Paparazzi are fine when they aren't in your face, but they've always made me super nervous, even when Harry was by my side. No matter how hard I try and not press into my hands, I literally can't help it. It just happens and nothing can calm me down.
I was extra tired today, which is a warning sign of a nightmare and the thought has my eyes closing in exhaustion. I'm so happy with Harry, so fucking happy at every living moment, but just when I feel like I'm able to get to a safe and comforting area with someone, he has to step in and take away any hope of leaving the memories behind.
I despise Ian.
I made sure to organize my beauty and shower stuff in a little bag, placing it on the bathroom counter and I started to walk slowly back to my room, but I'm stopped when Jace walks by.
"Hey, I heard about what happened with your ex...I'm so sorry," he said quickly and my stomach fell to the floor, my knees feeling weak and I look into his brown eyes, confused. I blink away any worry, hoping it was an ex from the past past, but deep down I knew that this whole conversation should not be happening.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said quickly and my heart hammers in my chest, hoping that Harry would walk out and save me. Jace frowns down at me, shifting on his feet.
"Oh-I thought I heard something about it from Harry...must've been a mistake," he shrugged, walking past me and my breath starts to quicken, my legs moving quickly down the hallway and into the kitchen, my eyes so wide I'm sure I look insane.
How does he know? Does he know Ian? Does he know where Ian is?
This is wrong. This is so so wrong. Harry doesn't even know, so I know that he couldn't have told him anything, but if Harry didn't tell him, who did?
"Harry?" I call out and I feel my vision start to blur a little around the edges, but I hear a crowd of laughter from outside on the balcony, and I try and collect myself to be able to go out there, knowing he'll be able to calm me down enough to even think straight.
I open the door with shaky hands, seeing Annika, Mia, Jeff, and Harry sat at the benches table that was on the balcony, my feet taking me straight towards Harry and he stops listening to what Annika was saying to look at me as I sit down, the lump in my throat not going away.
I just stay still by his side, knowing I'd have to call the investigators and tell them about this, just because he could possibly know where he is. I can't risk that again.
I flinch when I feel Harrys hand come up on my thigh, and his hands stops, looking down at me with worried eyes and I inhale a shaky breath, hoping he wouldn't hear the panic in it. I don't understand. Even if that was a rumor, why would Harry talk to Jace about it and not me. Guilt, confusion, and pure terror rumble in my stomach and I just stare down at the wooden table.
"Lila," I hear Harry whisper but it sounds so far away, and I just slowly take a deep breath, standing, and walking quickly into my bathroom, knowing there was no escaping the reminder of him, and no escaping the need to harm. I've tried. I've tried so hard.
I lock my bathroom door, tears crawling from my eyes and I cry at the thought of how much a disappointment I am to myself. I had just been talking about how happy I had felt being able to not harm for over a week, thanks to Harry, but now here I am with my weak knees to my chest, the object now in the bin and my stomach hurt.
"Lila? Are you in there?" I hear Harrys voice and I quickly stand, fixing my hair and wiping away the mascara in record time before taking a deep breath, knowing now isn't the time for this. I open the door, giving him a struggled smile and I can tell he doesn't buy it for a second. He doesn't say anything at first and I just look away from him awkwardly, letting him pull me into his chest and he walks us into the bathroom, shutting the door.
"What's wrong, baby," he whispers and I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping he couldn't see the redness in them.
Nothin'...'M just tired," I lie through my teeth and he hums, tilting my head up to kiss my lips and I smile at him, my eyes sleepily sore.
"We'll go to bed early tonight, okay?" He says and I sigh as his hands pull my nervous ones apart, placing them around his waist and I hug him so so close, never wanting to let him go.
________
this took me four fucking days to write
GIRL
anyway
love you guys 🥺
xx s