insecurities

Adrenaline

" I got you two a set of clothes to change into. Your room is across the hallway... Second door to your left." Alejandro said then went back downstairs after Ian whispered a thank you.

"Let's go." he said as he helped me up. We got to the bedroom and it was super silent. I felt so numb and everything I did... Even the easiest thing seemed like the hardest. I tried reaching for my zipper but I failed so bad and I almost started crying again.

" Let me." Ian said as he pulled the zipper down and helped me out of my dress then undid the straps on my shoes for me. He helped me to the bathtub and started washing my back for me. "I'm really sorry, Bonnie. This is all my fault..."

I looked deep into his eyes and I saw so much guilt in them. He looked hurt and angry at the same time.

He sighed, "I should've listened to Raz, when he told me to do everything he said... He wanted half a million and I gave it to him. Drugs? I gave them to him and earlier today he told me to make a way to get him on Skyline but I couldn't... I might be the major shareholder but it wasn't my decision. I couldn't just make such a call without consulting someone else. And Alejandro wouldn't have wanted to work with Raz... So, I had to decline." he wiped the cut on my lips with the towel and I winced at the pain. " Sorry."

I never spoke a word that night and Ian seemed to not mind. I eventually fell asleep in his arms. As much as it sounded selfish but I didn't want him to leave. I woke up to find out that I was alone in the bed... I guessed it wasn't possible to have him around constantly . I got up and went to look at my reflection in the mirror. I had red marks across my left cheek, a cut on my lower lip and my eyes were red from all the crying I did last night. Ian had bandaged my cut hand. Ian came in and his white vest had a few blood stains.

"What is that?" I asked but it sounded more like a whisper.

He sighed as he took a look at the vest then put on a hoodie. "It's nothing..." he tried pretending he was looking for something but I pulled him back to me by the arm. He looked at me and scrunched his nose in frustration. "Bonnie, I kill people and I do things that I'm not supposed to do,okay? I mean... Look at your face, Bonnie. That's all because of me. And I felt guilty then I killed both the guards that were on duty outside last night."

I didn't react in any way to what he said..."I want to go back to my apartment."

He furrowed his eyebrows, "Seriously? I mean... "

I cut him off, "No, Ian ."

"Okay, fine..." he sighed. "At least let me get you some bodyguards."

"Only one..."

"Six. "

"One..."

"Four."

I knew this could go on all day, "Okay, fine... Two."

He nodded, "Okay, two is okay. And i get to see you every day."

"Fine." i sighed.

I left Ian behind with Alejandro and went into the car. I sat there with Alexis as we waited for Ian.

"What did you do with the body, Alexis?"

He cleared his throat, "Boss said not to tell you."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. I won't tell you. "

Ian got inside the car and found my eyes already set on him. "What?" he furrowed his eyebrows.

"What did Alexis do with the body?"

Ian sighed, "Alexis, tell her."

"We burnt it along with his house ."

I just nodded. "Are you a dangerous person?"

"I suppose... But i would never hurt you, okay?"

For some weird reason, i hardly felt guilt for killing Raz... Yes, i did feel something but it definitely wasn't guilt. Maybe it was because Ian was with me or something but I definitely felt a lot better than I would if i were alone.

I got to my house, two muscular guys stood outside my door, that I ordered to not let anyone in and I sat on my bedroom floor staring at my reflection. Tears running down my face and I felt so disgusted by myself. It was like there was something in me that drew people that wanted to rape me. I really thought the last time something like happened was really the last time and last night brought me right back to the dark place I was about ten years ago that I worked so hard to get out of. That Ian also tried helping me out of.

I had made so much progress with trying to be optimistic about everything... I just felt like all the happiness I had was stolen from me. Earlier that day, I had texted Tony and told him that I wanted to breakup and that he mustn't call me any more.

I ran water in the bathtub, took some small razor blade I had stored in my toiletry bag and looked in the mirror one last time then wrote something with my lipstick on the mirror. I got into the bath tub and before I could even think twice about it, I slit both my wrists and laid back. I got weaker by the second then my whole body slid underwater and that was the only thing I could recall.

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