Don't Let Go, I Need You

~6~

A few hours went by and Gojo dropped me off at the campus. "I'll see you guys later. I have to see Shoko and Ijichi. How dare this happen while I'm out?"

Waving goodbye to Gojo, I watched him zoom off. My heart pounded in dread as I was scared to see Megumi and Kugisaki. I know this wasn't my fault, but if only Gojo hadn't dragged me to his business trip then Itadori wouldn't have died. I wondered if they resented me just a little bit because I wasn't there. It's understandable if they do, I have nothing to defend myself about it.

I took big heavy footsteps inside school grounds, roaming to find the other two and apologize for not being there to prevent Itadori's death. The wind was light today as the sun beamed down on me with its hot rays. Anticipation sent jitters down my body. Then from a distance, I spotted the two familiar figures sitting at the staircase of a building.

"Hey guys..." I meekly greeted, feeling guilt swarm in my chest. I tried to look at them in the eyes, but I kept averting my gaze.

"Kana, you're back." Kugisaki showed no negative emotions by seeing me. She sounded more down than angry. The toughness in her orange eyes were trying so hard to not break out of character, yet it was clear that Itadori's death did affect her.

I hastily bowed to them, unable to compose myself in this tense and remorseful situation. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't here!" As my back was at a 90 degree angle, my eyes were glued to the floor while I apologized. "If only I was there then—"

"It wouldn't have made a difference." Megumi suddenly spoke like my own strength wouldn't have much of any contribution to their circumstances. "Itadori would've still risked his life for us anyways."

I brought myself back up and stared at him in confusion. My brows knitted from his usual poker face with a hint of sorrow. "Yes, I feel like it would've. I could have saved Itadori from dying even if it meant me to die." There was no need for me to fear death to save others from the cursed spirits. That's a job of a sorcerer anyways. If life was like a video game, letting us have 5 extra life bars would be good, but it's not like that. We only have one life to make it great.

Megumi stood up with his hands in his pockets as there was a forlorn expression taking over his face. "Is that what you care about?" His voice was calm yet it rang in irate from each syllable of his words. Megumi wasn't the type to yell since he's a quiet person who likes to deal with situations in a civil manner. "Because you know you're destined to die, you wish to take part of that fate of yours? What happened to wanting to survive? Isn't that why you worked so hard to be where you're at right now?!"

He's not wrong. I do revert back to the mindset of letting myself die because that's my life. I want to live longer, but how much time do I have left? Or maybe my stupid will of wanting to survive was just an illusion to hide the real truth that I'm scared? In spite of this, Megumi brought up facts that hit me. I don't even know how to respond back. "I... Isn't that how sorcerers live?" Perhaps this cursed lifespan I have was merely reality set in stone. As long as I'm a sorcerer, I know I will die whether I have this cursed lifespan or not. Now, I don't understand why I even worry about wanting to surpass 18 anymore. It's utterly a stupid wish.

"Why become a sorcerer if you don't want to cut your life short? Wouldn't it have been better if you stayed as a non-sorcerer rather than involving yourself with this world?"

If I feared death so much, then I really could've lived a regular life like other people. The non-sorcerer life wouldn't target my life; however, I will still be connected to the jujutsu world because it's in my blood. My lineage hunts cursed spirits. Wouldn't it have been a disgrace if I backed out because of my cursed life? Life decisions were hard to make when family traditions were valued over personal problems. My mind was jumbled up of what I really desire now. Was my goal worthless? Because I'm going to die early due to the cursed lineage of being the first born and being a sorcerer. Or was my goal supposed to make me stronger? I really don't know right now.