TAKIPSILIM

[16] Anhedonia

//trigger warning//

sometimes there were feelings that we couldn't just explain.

taking a sigh for the nth time in front of my desk, where blank papers were plastered and a pen is held on my right. i stood up, leaving the mess on the table, the pen's just above the bunch of notebooks and papers.

i'm so done.

i made my way to the garage. my eyes wandered around the corners. there is nothing special in here—that thought came into me, not until a bycicle captured my sight.

i went near, making a couple more of sighs for i wasn't sure of what i am doing.

the bicycle still looks good. it's just that, i haven't rode on this for a month or so. i got onto it, my butt resting on the saddle seat. arms positioned in front, my fingers gripping on the handlebars.

okay. how about we give this a try?

i tried to pedal but it just turned into a halt even before i can get on the road.

i...i can't feel it.

i sighed, once again.

my fingers laid on my phone's screen, scanning the songs i have in my music library. i checked the speaker, volume's just enough. i obviously don't need our neighbors as an audience. i clicked the play button and rushed in front of the mirror.

the music started, the beat was nice and i used to memorize the dance steps of this song. however, only my hands and fingers ended up dancing—or if it's called one. my body just stood still. the reflection on the mirror says my facial expression doesn't even change, it's pure... blank.

i feel tired, though i haven't done anything.

my mom invited me to go to the beach. swimming is one of my favorite hobbies, so why not? i rushed towards the clear blue waters right after the car was parked nearby. the sun isn't that hot and the sand is fine, it's white by the way.

everytime my feet felt the cold water, i would prepare myself for a swim, but this time, i remained standing. thinking. it was a good weather to swim yet i can't.

i don't feel the adrenaline—the enjoyment.

i don't know if this is just boredom.
i don't know if those things weren't really for me.
i don't know if...i'm okay.

i cannot feel it anymore. the happiness, the interest, the fun—anything!

everything happened all of a sudden. and i don't know when will i be able to do the things i love without forcing myself to do so. the way i scribble words that fills the blank sheet of paper, feeling the fresh air as my legs continued to pedal, smiling while-dancing, moving my body to the beat and feel serene-calmness, as waves hit my body the soft way.

i couldn't feel anything.

it's as if i'm just—doing it.

—

Note:

Anhedonia, based on a dictionary, isa defined as a psychological condition characterized by inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts.

The piece above is just a work of fiction and I wouldn't suggest you to self-diagnose :)