Always on Your Side (NaNoWriMo 2019)

34.

Dear Len,

This is the last long message I'm leaving for you in this app.

I've been struggling with my decision, recently, to do all this. I'm already determined to commit suicide; that won't change, but I am struggling with the idea of leaving these clues behind for you to find. I don't deny that my motivation is selfish. I don't want you to leave my memory behind too quickly, and though my desire to live in this world is gone, I haven't lost my desire to leave a mark on it. But who else will preserve my memory but you? You were the only one who truly loves me for who I am. 

I tell myself that I'm helping you as well. Perhaps these notes will give you closure, but perhaps they will merely reopen old wounds. I wouldn't know. I have never been in your position. 

But though I don't truly know whether I'm doing what's best for you or not, I have made my decision. I'm too selfish to do otherwise. I need you to understand. 

Cave Explorer is the name of a game engine created for amateur designers, including children, to create simple apps without much coding knowledge. I once attempted to use the engine to create a game inspired by Skyland, but it was too vast a project for me to finish. I found another use for it as I was attempting to write for you this last message - I could tell you in words how it feels for me to live my day-to-day life, but how could I get you to truly understand if I couldn't get you to live it?

Tedium. Every day since early childhood I've had no choice but to progress along a linear, dull path. Some parts of the path were easy, some things were hard; all were dull. I was never allowed to make choices, I was never allowed to be who I was. If a creative idea ever sprung to mind I was afraid to try it; too many times in the past when I had deviated from the path in what I believed was a harmless way, I was punished for it. I had no way of predicting what was allowed and what wasn't; there seemed to be no logic to the rules of society everyone else insisted I follow, and I never knew what would be accepted and what would earn punishment. I could not ask; asking earned punishment too. 

I proceeded along this path - school, my home life, my church participation, therapy - because I believed that at the end of it I would somehow find some great reward. Freedom. The chance to do what I wanted, no longer under the control of Mom and Adam, or the compliance training that is the American school system - but alas, even after all that hard work, happiness is beyond my reach. My problems are inherent to who I am. Why continue to fight a losing battle? 

Sometimes, it's better to just give up.

Though this is the last letter I've written for you on this app, there remains one more treasure for you to discover in the physical world. If you were to find it, I'd be grateful. Since I don't know how long it will take you to find this note, however, I am not sure if it will still be there. 

So this is where I'll say good-bye. I'm sorry. I love you. 

If it hasn't been lost, you will find my final gift to you at our old house. You will find the key in your closet, in the front pocket of your old pink backpack.

- Brendon