Always on Your Side (NaNoWriMo 2019)

16.

I can barely stay awake through school. I get by like a zombie, shuffling from one class to another. I doze off through lectures. I doze off in the middle of a math test. A few weeks ago, my teachers were willing to cut me a good deal of slack. Now it seems they've come to expect me to snap back into shape. It doesn't work that way. I'm not done grieving. My brother is still dead.

At lunch time, I have nothing to say to anyone sitting at our table. I buy a sandwich with money that was credited to my account and I force it down my throat in hopes it will give me a bit of energy. If anything it gives me a carb crash. I lay with my head on the table in front of me and try to find the energy to do something.

Marina seems concerned. She must have been happy that I was a bit perkier yesterday, and now I'm disappointing her by being dead inside again. It's not like anything going on at lunch is worth being mentally present for. Marina's friends are bickering about plans for senior ball. Shawn is mad at Devonte because Devonte broke up with his girlfriend Alyssa to go with Crystal, and now Alyssa isn't going to go with our group, which is going to ruin everything because Alyssa had promised to chip in two hundred dollars for a limousine. Shawn is trying to solicit limousine money from everyone else at the table, but no one else has two hundred dollars to chip in. Katie would have been able to chip in money, but her GPA isn't high enough to go to the dance, so Shawn is mad at her for that, too. Marina is trying to play the mediator and calm everyone down, and they keep snapping at her that she "doesn't understand."

Finally I get so sick of it that I snap back. "If you guys don't shut the fuck up I'm going to back out, too. I don't want to be stuck in a limousine with all your immature asses." The whole table turns and stares at me in shock. I take my chocolate milk and leave, knowing that among Marina's friends, there's at least one person who will gladly finish my lunch for me. Marina looks from her friends to me, and eventually follows me out of the cafeteria to the school amphitheater.

"I'm sorry about them," she begins to apologize, but I cut her off.

"You don't have to apologize," I say. "Maybe I shouldn't have said that." I don't feel too bad for Marina's friends, but I do feel bad for Marina, who just looks sad that everyone is not getting along.

"You were right. Drama is stupid. And we don't have to go in the limo with everyone if you don't want to."

"Why do they care so much about this petty shit? They're acting like total... losers!" I groan.

I didn't mean it to sound like a serious insult. I was just trying to vent my frustration. The reason I even said "losers" is because my brain scanned through a few other angry words – dicks, cunts, bitches, and shitheads – and "losers" seemed like it wouldn't be as harsh.

But this time I can tell I've hurt Marina's feelings. Her eyes get big and she takes a step back. "They're my friends," she says, and her voice is soft and it's hurt but I can tell she is ready to protect them fiercely.

I immediately feel bad. "I'm sorry –" I start.

"I know they're being petty, but this is high school! Everyone is petty! Do you think the popular kids aren't getting into arguments about who is going to pay for the limo?"

I don't know what to say to that. I stare at her in confusion and she stares back, obviously hurt and angry. My brain isn't moving fast enough to process her reaction. It must have been the word "losers." Did she think I was insulting her friends got not being popular? I didn't care about that. I was just annoyed with their drama.

I open my mouth to clear up the misunderstanding, but before I can say anything, she does. "I'll talk to you later. I'm going to go see if I can get them to calm down."