Just Human

Chapter 7: In The Darkest Depths Of His Mind

Song: I'm Not Human at All by Sleep Party People

I spent the rest of my day off sulking on the couch and watching comedy movies to try and get my mind off the fact that my life was spiraling out of control.

Vance spent the rest of the day in our room, avoiding me.

Even Beth wanted to get away from me. At some point, she mumbled something about meeting up with a friend and left.

I didn't realize how much time had passed until I heard the door open and saw Jason come in. Surprisingly, Yousef, who we hadn't seen for a while, was with him.

"Hey Zaavan. You're still up?"

"Yeah, I was watching a movie and lost track of time." Make that 3 movies.

"You should really get some rest, you look exhausted," Yousef remarked.

I nodded in agreement as I got up but when I saw him, I stopped in surprise.

Yousef was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. He was dressed casual today. But Yousef didn't do casual. He was the type of person who'd dress up to go to the doctor's clinic. He'd never leave the house without taking the time to dress up.

As I subtly inspected him, I noticed that he didn't look so great himself. He looked sickly and had dark circles around his eyes.

But I couldn't take having to worry about an additional person, so I just brushed it off as him being stressed for exams.

"Is it okay if Yousef stays the night?"

"Sure, why not?" I shrugged.

But inside, I dreaded having to sleep in the same room as Vance. I wanted to give him some space. I didn't want to push his boundaries.

Maybe it was old trauma resurfacing. Or maybe he thought he could handle having sex but in reality, it was too triggering and he didn't want to make me feel bad about it.

But that still doesn't explain why he threw a stool at me.

I felt a pang in my heart as I thought about something I didn't even want to consider.

Maybe after seeing me naked, he was disgusted by the way I looked. I almost felt my heart break at this realization - it felt like the most probable reason.

Regardless, I was going to talk to him again. I know I should take my own advice of cutting out the people in your life that didn't accept you, but Vance was an exception. I didn't know if I'd be able to live without him. I love him and I doubt that I'd ever be able to get over him if he did leave me.

So, I took a deep breath and opened our bedroom door.

My heart pounded as I slowly made my way to the bed.

"Vance?" I whispered cautiously, not wanting to alarm him. He seemed really paranoid lately.

"Yes?" came his strangled voice.

"Can we talk?" I held my breath as I waited for an answer. When I didn't get one, I continued anyway.

"If you're struggling in your courses, you don't have to be embarrassed. You can just get a tutor, it's not a big deal. Or if it's too much you can take less courses or even take the year off. You don't have to follow a direct path-"

"Zaavan, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

He turned to face me. "I love you, and I care about you. That's why I can't tell you."

As unsatisfied as I was with his answer, I decided that it was best not to press him any further.

"Can you talk to a therapist instead? Because you're not okay, Vance and I can see that and if you can't talk to me about this then you should at least speak to someone else," I replied, failing to keep a steady voice.