STUDY BUDDIES. | hajeongwoo

49.

no, he doesn't know.

he didn't even realize it as soon as possible, only waking up into his senses when he felt his lips brush against the other. and it was so foreign that it felt so wrong, so new, odd— it wasn't something he even wanted.

because when he did the same action when he was still with the japanese, it felt more fulfilling. it felt more real, natural, as if they were really bound for each other. but then he could kiss someone even when he was not in the right state of mind, he would do it.

he would do it because he's in pain. he did because he was so, he wanted him to think that he is completely over him even if they didn't end everything yet. even if they didn't talk and fix things yet, nor to even meet properly and sort things out— he jumped on to conclusions he knew would strain himself.

he was the one hurting himself,
all this time.

he didn't even bother to move his lips as if to kiss him just like how he did when it was their own turn, he couldn't. he couldn't go through such lengths because just pressing against his lips on to someone so undeniably foreign made his heart ache in pain.

was this necessary?

jeongwoo, being stupid he is, turned around to glance at the other's reaction. and he shouldn't have done it, because one look of pain that were visible from his eyes was enough for him to be on his knees and beg for forgiveness. but he continued to look, even if it caused his heart to shatter in remorse.

he was— he was sure he saw the japanese stand in shock, completely stunned with mouth agape as tears started flowing under his eyes. despite his vision being completely obscure, the way his stares focused on him and notice every detail made it hard for him to move on like he's never there at all.

but if he made him cry, then his goal is accomplished.

how selfish of him! jeongwoo parted away from the other when he saw the japanese walk away in distress and disbelief, not even caring the slightes attention to how jaehyuk reacted. because as far as his woozy mind could remember, he wasn't flinching at all— nor did he even push him away, nor show anything that would send proof that he never wanted it to happen.

jeongwoo, experiencing the later consequences, trembled in regret. nothing but regret and remorse as the way haruto looked at him so in pain for the first time in his life completely blocked the thoughts that would help him overcome the gushing emotion of ire towards himself.

and oh, so stupid of him to only realize the biggest mistake he did right after he did it, and did he have the power to rewind time and swallow his pride instead?

since when did their love turn into a battle of jealousy?

the tanned male attempted to slap himself as hard as he could a couple of times, in hopes to atone for his mistakes and punish himself for being so overly irrational before he was stopped by a pair of jaehyuk's hands that gripped his own.

no, he couldn't even bother to look at him, or to even share a conversation about what just happened despite knowing what the other has been wanting to hear. he couldn't explain it! what more could he even say, that he wanted the japanese to know that he's been doing well by kissing someone to relieve the pain? pathetic.

what he expected were painful words that were enough to pierce his heart, vicious remarks that were enough to place venom in the way he wanted to live, or for the other to curse him for stealing a kiss; something that is being so uncalled for. but instead he caught a look of sympathy, something he doesn't know whether he needed or not, and a pair of warm hands that wrapped on top of his to ease the tremor caused by prominent ire.

"has pain drove you to do things that would hurt, jeongwoo?"

jeongwoo pressed his lips into a thin line as droplets of tears made its way he was holding in for such a long time. he didn't even know why the other would understand the relentless screams his heart has been saying. and he came here to have fun (and forget) too, but ended up causing dilemmas in the end.

"i heard, woo. that's haruto right? isn't it appropriate for you to sort it out before doing such acts?" jaehyuk suggested before leaning his back on to the couch, a sigh heaved from his mouth. "do you think cutting ties with him without knowing that he still wanted to be with you worth the risk?"

is it?

the way jaehyuk consulted him of things that never crossed his mind made the tanned male to bite his lower lip in such distress he couldn't even handle. because just a moment ago, he was feeling that he was right— it was alright to kiss his best friend in front of someone he loved just for him to understand the way he felt way back during high school. his incompetence, selfishness, being a self-centered crap, he thought he was right all along.

and what did that to? it caused him a feeling of fulfillment especially now that he managed to swoosh the other away. not when haruto never received at least an explanation as to why he was left inside his apartment when he promised that they would sleep together, his plans of cuddling him during the night they would spend later that day was destroyed when he saw no trace of him inside of his household.

and down to why jeongwoo cut ties with him, won't answer his endless calls, until seeing him in the club kissing someone else rather than him— no words, no explanations, just the hint of betrayal that urged haruto to wonder in an endless bay of thoughts.

was that valid? was that relevant?

it never was, or never will become a valid reason for jeongwoo to act so ludicrous. without even muttering a small excuse me or an exchange of gratitude towards his friend that made him wake up from his senses, he abruptly left the scene and headed outside of the club.

because that's where he saw haruto was headed to, even took a bottle of tequila before walking away from the pool of people which seemed to trigger his emotion in so many angles. the tanned male didn't even know what to do or say if he arrives and face him either, or how to even act when he was being drunk and not sane just yet.

will it end up a peaceful talk, or will it lead to pointless blaming? because the latter seems to be just the right answer.