Grape Juice from Lemons

CHAPTER XIX

Her...

It's difficult to pretend that something doesn't bother you, when it consumes you, as though any other thought in the world ceased to exist.

It hasn't even been twenty-four hours since the life-scarring event that now is happening again, occurred. Where I've had to deal with nostalgia literally standing there, in my face. I've done it before, I'm not giving up now, but forgetting seems harder and harder every time that I try and It shouldn't be like that.

To describe the glimmer in her eyes, the look she gave me surrounded with confidence and a speck of anger. I'd say she knew something I didn't. I'd say she knew more than I have ever bargained for and that made my confidence waver. And yes, there was always something about her that screamed mischief and secrets, she was always the smart one and clever like a fox.

But, I'd say she brought guns into a fistfight, that this time she knew more. I was winning a fight, not the war. And that made me worry in the slightest. No, It made me worry a lot. Scared almost, If I dare to say. I've always had the upper hand against everyone, and she's the only one who made me feel weak which I despised. I like to think of myself as a strong character and I was feeling small.

Trying to describe my anger is even harder. My pulse as it has risen multiple times during the day and my clenched fists leave me thinking that she really did a number on me back then. I can't help but stress about the fact she's back and I don't quite understand my feelings and thoughts about her.

" Hey, Nicola! Snap out of it." Carson snips his fingers in front of me, as I slowly nod, indicating that I'm back from my daydreaming. Partially.

" You can do this, come on, just. Walk-in and hand out your information. But remember to be yourself and nice." He pushes back my hair before he pushes me to go into the small parlor restaurant we've been staring at for a hot minute.

" Choose one. I won't and mentally can't be both." He rolls his eyes as I grind my teeth, his hot coffee cup in hand.

After yesterday I needed an outlet, staying home for the whole week and only getting out on Saturday, wasn't going to do good for me. Plus the fast driving wasn't cutting it either, if anything that's what she wanted me to do. To rage out with speed. I found myself craving something more exhilarating, more thrilling because even though I tried I couldn't find a way to make my anger disappear completely. There was always a speck of it. Hence my overthinking. So Carson stepped in.

Because I can't be bothered to think about Jennifer all damn day. She just angers me and I don't want that environment around Bryson. He's a good kid and my constant nail chewing and hair pulling is just going to confuse him even more. After my outburst, yesterday, actually hugging him back, changed something in the both of us. He was more attached to me than usual, and getting him to go to kindergarten was a bust. He kept clinging on to me and I found myself not wanting to distance myself as I usually would.

I finally told Carson how much money I needed. And I needed a lot of it. I also told him that I refused to take a loan from him and the others, in fact, I told him to swear to me to keep this a secret from the others. The only logical move to make after that was to find me a job. Since he himself works with Jonathan and the place is full, he thought he would at least help me find a spot. And truthfully, he was the only one I trust to make that decision for me.

He told me it helps with stress. Although I have always had the thought of work adding to my stress, which I already have enough of, even dealing with Bryson is stressful. Bryson isn't even a bad kid, it's just the overwhelming fear of having to be smart with my money and having to think about his needs and wishes as well.