TW: for suicidal thoughts - this is a short one guys.
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"do you ever think about it?" louis asks, his feet dangling over the edge of the balcony. it's past midnight, they have a show tomorrow. they should both be asleep right now, god knows they need all the hours they can get.
"think about what?" harry asks, he is sitting in a chair next to louis, looking over the edge with him. harry was too scared to dangle his feet like louis. though he knows he wouldn't fall through the railings of the balcony, it still startled him knowing there are over twenty floors below them.
"dying." louis doesn't know why he says it. he has been pretty melancholy since the tour started two months ago, and once the thought popped in his head he couldn't get it out. he hasn't talked to anyone about this, and even saying this to harry has peaked his anxiety.
harry doesn't hide a startled gasp, "lou..."
"i'm not crazy," louis can't bring himself to look at harry. surly there is disappointment in his eyes, or even worse, pity.
"i didn't say you were." harry says, louis can hear his feet pitter pattering against the cement floor, "maybe you should get away from the edge."
louis rolls his eyes, not that harry can see since he is turned away from him. "i can't fall, haz."
harry doesn't say anything for a second. it's oddly silent considering they are in the middle of a city. sure he can hear the cars and the reeving engines, but they aren't so bad that they can't be ignored.
"i wish there were stars." louis says, it's a little too late to change the subject, now that something so deep and heavy has left his mouth, but it's worth a shot.
"do you want to die, lou?" harry's voice is barley above a whisper and he sounds scared. louis is angry at himself for even mentioning anything, now he's gone and wound harry up.
louis must hesitate with an answer for too long, because he hears harry lets out a soft sob. louis leans his head against the metal railing for a second; he hates himself for saying anything.
it takes a second for louis to get the energy to stand up, and when he does all he wants to do is sit back down again. he doesn't though, he just stands there hands gripping the metal railing hard enough that his knuckles turn white. louis regrets saying anything to harry, but he doesn't know how much longer he could go saying nothing.
harry stands up out of his chair and stands beside louis, wrapping an arm around his waist and leaning his head against louis shoulder. it must be uncomfortable for harry considering his hight.
they stay like that for a second, enjoying the view. they're in chicago right now, they've been to chicago more than a few times over the course of three tours with one direction. there really isn't anything special about chicago, at least to louis. he doesn't know why he's spent over an hour looking at the view of a city that isn't even on his top five list.
it could be that he's avoiding a serious conversation with harry. it could also be because everything about this tour has been weird. louis knows that their time as a band is coming to an end, they probably only have one or two tours left. zayn is getting increasingly irritated and liam and niall just want a break. louis doesn't know who or what he would be without the one direction. the thought of loosing this band scares him.
"let's go inside, lou, have a cuddle?" harry asks. louis can still hear the wetness in his voice, and his cheeks still look wet. louis just nods, not wanting to upset him more.
when they make themselves comfortable under the covers louis finally says, "i don't think i actually want to die, i've just been thinking about it, is all."
harry let's out a deep sigh. he runs his fingers down louis arm, "i knew something has been wrong with you. this whole tour you've been different."
louis wasn't expecting that. he's tried his hardest not to show that he was feeling off. depressed. he's usually the one keeping his head on straight, only letting his guard down when needed and occasionally blowing his top when he quite literally can't handle it anymore. come to think about it, none of those things have happened at all since tour started.
"i tried not to act any different." louis says, he cuddles deeper into harry's chest, and harry wraps his arm around louis waist. they've been dating for a while now, but their dynamic has been a bit off lately. they feel like friends who fuck and cuddle. they haven't opened up to each other much lately, that louis fault, he knows it. harry has no problem talking to louis, even when it's a bit one-sided. louis actually surprised harry hasn't mentioned it yet. that's mostly why louis brought up the dying topic anyways, because he can't have harry breaking up with louis, not now.
"well i noticed that you've been trying, then." harry says, "you're eyes dim when you think no one's paying attention. you don't talk to me."
"yeah," louis says, he gives harry a kiss on his collarbone, "i'm sorry about that."
"what you said earlier really scares me." harry says. his voice is tight and he sounds like he's close to crying.
"i was trying to open up," louis says, its a little too sarcastic so louis says, "i didn't mean to scare you. i just felt like you were gonna get sick of me not being as open as before and leave me."
"i won't leave you., harry says, he holds louis tighter.
"i would leave me," louis says, he practically pouting, "i kinda suck."
harry snorts, "good thing i'm not you then, hm? i like you, you don't suck."
that does make louis feel a little bit better and more validated.
"i think we could hire a therapist to come on tour with us." harry says, "or get an online therapist? just so you have someone to talk to, that's not me, to help you."
louis nods, he was thinking about it too. because he doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to hate himself or feel stressed for absolutely no reason.
"yeah, we can look into it tomorrow." louis says, he moves his head up to give harry a kiss, "we should sleep now though."
harry nods, they kiss for a while before they crawl under the covers to sleep. if harry stays up until passed midnight because he's worried about louis then that's his own business.
