tw for self harm in the for of bruising
harry presses his thumbs into his boney hips until it hurts so much that it blacks out his vision a little bit. he does this again and again and again until he feels satisfied enough. his hips hurt a lot, he's not gonna lie, and he has huge black, blue, purple, even yellowing bruises scattered across his hips and even down his thighs. the press of his jeans hurt a little bit, but harry gets used to that quickly.
he's been doing this for a while, just hitting himself and pinching himself until it bruises. sometimes it feels like it brings him back down to earth, it grounds him from the anxiety and self hatred he feels on a daily bases.
everything has just been so hard lately. first there was the corona virus, which postponed his tour for a whole year. it also postponed the 1D reunion tour for a year too. so once everyone was allowed to go out again, harry had a whole bunch of events planned, and now it doesn't feel like he has any time. not only that but it feels like he is in the spot light more now than ever before.
and the one direction tour with his mates is very hard, harder than harry thought it would have been. harry imagined it as a bunch of friends getting together and doing their thing, but after years of doing their own things and being apart, it's hard to connect with each other and perform coherently.
so basically harry just feels bad, and stressed, and alone, and depressed. so he bruises himself until he feels something to ground himself.
and it's not like what he's doing to himself is horrible. sure he's hurting himself, but it's not like he's burning or cutting himself like some people do. he's just bruising himself up a bit. despite that, he does try his best to keep it a secret. sometimes he messes up and bruises his arms pretty badly, but they are easy to make excuses for. he's known for being pretty clumsy, so he just tells anyone who asks that he ran into the door nob or something.
he doesn't expect to fall into bed with louis though. sure he and louis always hooked up on tour when they were younger, but they stopped that once louis grew up a bit, had a kid, and got back with eleanor (harry was bitter for a while, but some things aren't meant to be).
but now harry's and louis' lips are pressing against each other and louis has harry pressed against the door and harry moans because of the pain from louis hips presssing against his own. louis must take it as a good sign because he pushes harder. harry does his best to ignore it and focus on the pleasure he is feeling.
"bed," harry gasp into louis mouth, "bed, bed."
louis giggles and nods. he walks towards the bed taking off his top and his pants leaving him in only his underwear.
and harry's mind blanks because, yeah, you have to get naked for sex and he really wants to have sex with louis. but he has bruises, and they look pretty bad against his pale skin and louis would surly realize that they aren't accidental. he'll say something. he'll judge him. plus louis is, like, really attractive. harry is nothing compared to louis and harry feels very insecure.
louis is digging through his bag for a condom and the lube, harry quickly takes off his clothes and slides under the covers of the bed. maybe, if harry stays under the blankets, he'll get away with this. louis won't notice.
when louis turns he is still smiling, obviously a little excited, but his eyebrows squint a little. "you've never been one for covers, haz."
harry pulls on his best actors grin and acts nonchalant by saying, "i've changed, lou, just fuck me, yeah?"
louis almost pouts, but walks over to the bed and slides under the covers with him, "wanna see you though."
"maybe next time," harry whispers because louis face is close to his again. harry knows that there may not be a next time, not anytime soon anyways. this has to be a one time thing. louis is still with eleanor, the boys can't find out, all of this is risky as it is.
