TW for suicidal thoughts but it gets fluffy too
-
I really want to die, Louis thinks to himself.
It should be a sad thought but it's not. Louis thinks this same thought daily, hourly probably. It's become less sad to him over time. In fact the thought that he will die at some point in the future brings him relief.
Truthfully he wishes he was a bit less cowardly and a bit more selfish, maybe then he could actually go through with doing the deed himself. He won't though, he knows that. He loves his family too much to just leave them without an opportunity to say goodbye. Plus research shows that the family and friends of people who committe suicide are a lot more likely to get depression themselves. Louis could never let the people around him fall into the hole he finds himself in.
But Louis isn't a good enough person to get help. Something in his dark twisted mind tells him he doesn't deserve help, another part of his mind is convinced that any help he does receive won't work. He'll always be stuck like this. Depressed. A burden.
It isn't until he meets Harry that he feels like maybe he doesn't deserve this feeling. Maybe he should get help. Maybe it will work.
Harry is very bright. The second most brightest being in his life, the first being him mom, who always knows how to bring a smile to him face. But he doesn't see her often, she lives in upstate New York with the rest of his family and Louis lives in Atlanta, it's too far away for him to go up there for a weekend.
Louis works a very boring job that he doesn't much care about. Honestly, Louis earned a degree in architectural management, he could get a much better job than what he has now if he tried a bit harder. He's always struggled with motivating himself to try at anything though.
When Louis meets Harry, Louis was especially tired of being alive. He has just gotten out of work, it was only six, a little too early for thoughts like this to cloud his mind. Louis hopped in his car and drove. He sometimes gets sick of the city, he secretly hopes that one day he will settle down in a quiet farmed area. So, just to appease his own thoughts, he drives a bit out of the city and into the country just to look at houses and drive around farmland. To pretend that he's in them, happy with some chickens to feed and a family that loves him.
Louis stopped in front of one particularly comfortable looking house. He shouldn't even call it a house, it's a home. It looks lived in, likes it's had some wear and tear over the years, but not so much that it looks ugly. Louis likes that the home doesn't look perfect, he likes that the house could be repainted and that there is antique shit just laying out and about in the yard. They would almost look like decoration if there weren't vines and weeds growing up around them so badly that you almost can't see them. He especially likes the incandescent yellow lights. At home and at his work and basically throughout the whole city are the too bright fluorescent lights that may be better for the environment but often gives Louis a headache and makes everything feel like a hospital.
Louis must have stopped in front of this particular home for too long because someone comes out of it and waves at him kindly from the front porch. Louis thinks that he should probably start the car and drive away before this man starts questioning him, but honestly Louis mind isn't working very well right now. He doesn't want this kind man to think that he's a stalker either. Louis also doesn't quite know where he's at, should he turn right or left to get back on the interstate?
The man taps on Louis passenger side window and signals for Louis to roll it down. The first thing Louis thinks is that he is awfully pretty. He definitely looks like someone that would live in a perfectly imperfect house like that. He's wearing faded loose blue jeans, rolled up a little to show a pair of shitty work boots, and a simple grey-ish blue t-shirt. The only thing that throws Louis off is the bandanna tied onto one of the loops in his jeans, Louis wonders if he knows what it symbolizes, if it's intentional or accidental. It's not the 70's anymore though, in fact Louis was born in '91 so he's not quite sure why he's thinking about the 70's or the movements that occurred within that time period.
