𝙵𝙻𝙴𝚂𝙷 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙱𝙾𝙽𝙴 | 𝚃. 𝙾𝚃𝚃𝙾 𐂃

- Cristine -

"One step at a time," Madison added and in her own way tried to relief the young medic of her emotional burdens. "It's the best we got."

"How do you do that? Not care?" Cristine slightly lowered her gun and twisted her head, staring right back at the stern faced Madison. She always had that type of expression and barely laughed, not even with her children as far as she could tell. Madison was the epitome of a mother bear that would break and destroy any threat to her family like it was nothing. Their goals aligned, but Cristine still trusted her gut to keep the woman as far away from her and her family as possible. No matter how good a bond she had with Alicia or liked her and Nick, Madison still left Cristine on guard. She also didn't hide her opinions around the woman because she was as cold as stone.

"I care, but my children matter more. I don't have the luxury of thinking about feelings. I think you know why. Like you said last time, we need people like Troy, your father.... like you and me. Even if you hate what we do. I don't like it either, but it's the world we live in." Madison's replies were cool and sounded so clinical. "It's necessary. We need strong people who can make calls like these and come up with plans like yours. We don't even need to be friends for that either. Just that we live and that our families do too."

"Do Nick and Alicia know about the things you've done?" The sharp darkened blue eyes narrowed, but Cristine couldn't decipher the reaction.

"They've even seen some. They don't know about this. But they're my children and I think they suspect it. Like you did with your father. Are you going to tell them?"

"No." Cristine didn't care about the Clark's internal issues. She had her own family issues to worry about. "It's not my business or my place. It's just another secret I'll have to carry." Madison glanced at Cristine from the corner of her eye. So many burdens when most weren't even her fault. Why did she guilt herself in carrying the sins and deeds of others? Because her father was involved in most of them? She'd encounter some teens during her work as a guidance counselor. While she wasn't a licensed psychologist or had the credentials to diagnose a person, Madison noticed streaks of cognitive dissonance and codependency within Cristine from the type of bonds she kept. Coming from a neglecting and abusive household such effects weren't uncommon. Madison had seen her fair share of teenagers and such unhealthy habits were hard to overcome, especially involving people one cared about. Madison could attest to that when seeing the young woman around her father and Troy. It was worse in the apocalyps with all the extra emotional baggage and coming to terms with the horrors of the dead, the living, and oneself. "It's not the burdens that destroy, it's how you carry them. The difference between you and me Cristine is that you manage to do good. I can't cry about many of the people lost on the Ranch because I didn't know them. I'm sorry we lost so many, but I'm glad none were my family." Cristine her lip twitched and swallowed the budding ball in her chest to get angry by those words. Her father told her the exact same thing, but hearing it so offhandedly was still infuriating. "I'm grateful you and James are around to keep us safe... even Troy for the way he's willing to fight and protect us."

Cristine scoffed. "Just because I'm a medic and help others doesn't mean it washes away the blood on my hands or absolves me of the things I've done. I hate feeling like this and I'm sick knowing what I know and feeling what I feel deep down in spite of it..." Cristine trailed off and clinched her jaw. It wasn't just her relationship with her father, it was her feelings for Troy. She shouldn't have confessed to him like that. Selfishly coaxing him to have Troy promise to return. For what? What was the end goal? To be together with him? She wasn't even sure if her own feelings were even genuine or that Troy really cared about her that way. A sigh later, Cristine admitted to Madison, "I think I would probably do the same things you and my father do to keep the peace. I just want it to be over. I want for it to stop and I know that's not how things work anymore. Lately I... care less about the people lost and more about the ones still alive and how to keep it that way." Cristine sniffed and her voice lowered an octave, fingers tapping the cold rifle, she admitted, "I don't know what's wrong with me." It was the first time Cristine opened up like this and it was to Madison of all people. The woman she openly distrusted and disliked for her selferving nature. Madison wouldn't bat an eye if she had to sacrifice others for her children's safety, her and her own family included. But here she was laying her problems and burdens bare to Madison Clark. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, her conflicting feelings or their unsure future. Cristine was exhausted having to live in such emotional conflict with herself.

"It's not wrong to love your father even with the things he's done." It was hard to see in the dark, but the stark gaze felt heavy on Cristine's face, the place where the healing bruises laid bare on her flesh. "But you don't have to accept or forgive the things he has done either. Don't ever compromise on keeping you and your sister safe. I never did with my old man and my mother."

"What do you-"

Before Cristine could ask what Madison meant by that, the humming sounds of vehicles grabbed their attention. Yellow lamps flicker in the distance and Cristine raised the binoculars to get a good look. She felt Madison shift anxiously at her side, but Cristine managed to sway those feelings and said, "they're back. Open the gates."

So there's still a lot of angst and confusion with Cristine when it comes to her overall feelings for Troy. I hope this chapter has given you guys a better idea what she feels and is struggling with. My angst baby has suffered and a big part of that is the relationship she has in the past with her father and this weird thing with Troy as well. So while this was a confession, it was also her wondering of what she feels is real and genuine.

Also, what did you think of Madison's assessment and thoughts? I tried to add an outsider's perspective and given Madison her previous occupation she would see signals for Cristine's behavior and inner conflict. Also, Madison will be Madison and we know how she is/can be!

Hope to read your thoughts and yes, this is a short chapter, but hope to make it up soon