The kiss || Percico✔

°•Chapter 13•°

helplessness
/ˈhɛlpləsnəs/

inability to defend oneself or to act effectively.
"worst of all is the feeling of helplessness"

~ ~ ~

''I hate you, Percy. Leave me alone.''

Everything inside of me breaks, my eyes start to get wet and I have to blink several times for hiding it.
I should have known better. I don't matter to Nico at all. All I am, is a burden to him.
A burden, he only takes care of, so that he doesn't feel bad.
Why did I think I matter?! Why?!
What I need will never come and no matter how much I seek I won't find it. I wasn't born for great things, how everyone tells me all the time, nor to find my place in the world. I could try every day, work for what I want and need, but there are no paths to success, not from here. People talk as if I dream my way out, simply discover a version of me that only sees the opportunities.
Call it despair if you want, but something that fake hurts more than anything.
You know, there was hope before. Just a tiny flicker agains the wind. what did it get me? Nothing. Pain, eventually.

I am in a range right now, which is nearly immaculate.
To be honest, I can't blame Nico. I really can't.
The moment my dad saw me in Olympus a few years ago, he immediately said I was a mistake! A damn mistake!

Sometimes, I consider asking myself, if I am maybe more than the failure, the sucker, the ,,please don't speak'', but then I remember; Everyone here expects me to stand over all of this.
I have to be strong.
I have to carry on fighting.
I have to live on without looking back. Live in the present.
Do you even know, how hard this is? The scary despair, dread and lost hope with which I stand up every single day.
It's indescribable.

''Nico..- what?'' My voice sounds incredibly itchy.

Nico doesn't reply. His view is focused on some random spot in front of him, while he clenches his hands into fists.

''I'm sorry if I did something wrong, but please talk to me! I-.'' I start. My voices trembling and my heartbeat going fast in an unusual amount.
''Just- l-leave. I- I- leave.'' Nico stutters. And for one moment, I feel like that's not him. That couldn't he him. Nico wouldn't do something like this, would he?
''But..-.'' I try to speak and form a sentence, but my voice breaks at the end of the first word already.
''Leave.'' Nico breathes out, sitting up and wiping a tear of his own away.

Why is he crying? What? This all just doesn't make any sense!

''I-... Sorry.'' I gulp heavily and get up, holding my head down while hurrying out of cabin.

The moment the door closes behind me and let the tears run down my cheeks without holding it back.
I don't bother staying here any longer, so I nearly run to the sea close to the camp.
It always helps me to calm down, but today, the pleasant waves don't seem to help at all.
Too much of pain is stuffed up inside of me.
Too many questions and too many thoughts.

With tears still streaming down my face, I can do nothing but sit cross-legged on the sandy shore and stare at the horizon in front of me. Waves of a deep royal blue crept towards me before running away. It is supposed sweep me away from all of my worries, just like the waves creeping over seashells and stealing them in a matter of seconds, but it doesn't work. My last teardrop falls and hits the soft white sand, and I make a fast decision.

Without waiting another second, I pull my shirt over my head and throw it onto the sand, running towards the waves and throwing myself into them.

I could swim forever, dive forever, be here in this underwater world forever. Forget whatever kind of problem is around me, but at the same time, it wouldn't be right.

With a few more arm moves, I reach the sandy bottom and take a deep breath.
It is freeing, to be able to breathe under water.

Here, no one could bother me. No one could hurt me or say anything.
In the comforting motions of the water bubbles around me, I dare to give in and lie backwards into the sand. Through what a small dust cloud floats slowly up towards the surface.

''Percy.'' A familiar voice is audible right next to me, so I open my eyes again and practically jump up, now standing in the water.
''Dad.'' I gasp and clear my throat, eyeing the watery figure, my dad poseidon, in front of me.
''You need to get back up, son.'' He looks at me with a serious impression in his sea-green eyes.
''Why? I am good here.'' I protest, shaking my head slightly while floating a small bit backwards.
''You are certainly not, they need you.'' Poseidon carries on trying to convince me, but I promise myself that I won't let him.

What does he even care?

''Okay. Good. I don't care.'' I turn around and attempt to swim back up to the surface, but my feet are like glued to the ground.
''You need to stop a new war between the Gods. It is all in your hands, son.'' He glares at me and I roll my eyes.
''Don't call me son.'' I say bitter.
''I am sorry, I wasn't there, but we need your he-.''

Can't they do their job once?

''Why me? Why am I always the one who has to do the dirty work?!'' I snap at him and clench my fists.
''Because this time, you are the only one who can stop him.''