My Life, in Ruins

My Life, in Ruins -Chapter seven-

Who knew someone could be so sore from spending one weekend with a guy? Ian and I hadn’t managed to get to sleep until three am Friday night and then didn’t wake up until eleven the next morning when his sister let the dog in to wake us up, nearly giving me a heart attack. We spent Saturday in his pool, or him and his sister and her friend were in the pool. I tanned mostly, until he got out and jumped in with me. I ate an apple for brunch because Ian kept insisting on me having something, he didn’t seem very thrilled by my choice but he accepted it. His parents planned a family dinner Saturday night and I had tried to leave but they had insisted on me coming. Jessica let me borrow some of her clothes and I couldn’t help but remember when my sister had used to let me borrow her clothes.
To my luck, all my friends are stuck up bitches and only go to high class, five star restaurants so there was no chance of running into them at a Chilies. Also to my luck they had some nice salads on the menu and I ordered one of those even though I received disapproving looks from Ian and his family. After dinner I had insisted on going home but Ian begged me, once again to stay. So I bribed him, I told him I would stay if he came running with me and he actually agreed! I don’t think Ian knew I could run for so long. So that was how I ended up spending the night with Ian, in his bed, Saturday night as well and why waking up Sunday morning and getting in the shower, I was so sore. There was a little throb in between my legs, but that was only because we had gotten a bit rough last night, and there were new bruises on my legs and a hickey on my neck! Not just that but my legs were sore in general and even my back muscles hurt and I’m used to getting a good work out.
When the hot water washed over me I smiled contently and let it soak every inch of my body. Because I had my eyes closed I didn’t see Ian come into the bathroom but I did hear the shower curtain move and before I could open my eyes I felt his arms wrap around my waist and I felt him kiss both of my shoulders.
“You’re suppose to be sleeping.” I said, leaning into him.
He moved my hair off to one side and kissed from the base of my shoulder all the way up to my neck. Stopping at the hickey he had given me. He chuckled and then kissed it.
“I heard the shower turn on and couldn’t resist joining you.”
I couldn’t reply because every time his lips touched my skin my head would fog up and I would forget how to form words. I reached back and grabbed one his legs, he took in a sharp breath and turned me around. He didn’t touch me, instead we just looked at each other. I took in his dark hair, hanging a little more in his eyes than usual because his hair was wet, the blueness of each of his eyes, his pink and slightly puffy lips and his snakebites that I loved pulling on with my teeth, his lightly tanned skin and amazing body. I couldn’t help myself, I reached over and touched his stomach, memorizing each of the muscles and their definition. He had an amused look on his face.
“What?” I asked. “I love your stomach.”
He laughed and reached over, grabbing between my legs. I let out a low groan.
“What?” He asked. “I love your…”
I leaned over and kissed him before he could finish his sentence.
“I’m suppose to be showering off, not getting dirty again.” I informed him.
He pulled us closer and kissed along the line of my collar bone and then grabbed one of my arms and started kissing down it.
“But getting dirty is so much more fun then getting clean.”
I closed my eyes and chuckled. I don’t think I was going to be able to say no if he kept kissing me like that. His grip on my wrist suddenly tightened and I realized he wasn’t laughing along or kissing my arm anymore for that matter. I opened my eyes only to see him looking back at me with a pained expression.
“What?” I asked again, baffled at his sudden mood change.
“Bree…” He whispered, almost as if saying words was too much effort.
I continued staring at him, wondering what had made him this way, but then I followed his eyes back down to my wrist and my heart stopped. He had discovered my cuts; mostly scars but some that had been from the last week that had healed but not yet turned into scars. I tried to pull my arm out of his grip, but he only tightened it.
“It’s nothing.” I said defensively before he could say anything.
Which he hadn’t, said anything. He was still looking at me, just looking. Well why did he look so damn disappointed. Its not like I had been keeping it a secret from him, we weren’t that close. I tried to pull back again but he wouldn’t let me go, he reached over and quickly grasped my other wrist as well. That one was my worst one, considering I’m right handed. I heard him suck in a breath and then he pulled me into him, holding my arms around his neck.
“Why would you hurt yourself?” He asked me, eyes locked with mine.
I couldn’t look away from his, the blue was blazing with such anger and hurt.
“It’s nothing.” I said again. “It’s not your business.”
He stared at me like he couldn’t believe I had just said that and then all at once he dropped my arms at my side and left the shower. I heard him slam the door behind him. I finished my shower, holding in the unnerving hurt I was feeling; what the hell was wrong with me? This kid meant nothing to me, he was a fun sex toy and he was nice to look at…okay, so he made me feel better too, about myself and everything else, but that was it. I shouldn’t and wouldn’t care what he thought about me cutting. I finished my shower, washing my hair and body with more force than necessary, and then stumbled over to the mirror. I couldn’t see myself because the fog had taken over the glass, but I knew what I would look like; I hadn’t even realized I was crying before, but now that I was out of the shower the tears were falling freely.
I grabbed a blue towel from the rack and wiped off my face and then wrapped it around my body and sat on the toilet lid until I had control over myself again. I thought about what had just happened. Why had Ian been so hurt about my cutting? It wasn’t like we were close or had had some secret-telling session where he asked me what I do in my free time and I lied; but remembering the look on his face made my chest squeeze. He really, really cared about me. Without thinking, I staggered out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom, pausing to take him in. He had put on a pair of boxers, but that was it, and he was still wet from coming into the shower with me. His black hair was dripping onto his hands were folded tightly on his lap; he was sitting at the edge of his bed. He didn’t look up as I made my way towards him or as I sat down next to him, but I didn’t push. I just sat there, silently watching him, until finally he spoke.
“Why?” He asked me.
That was it, he didn’t elaborate or say anything else; just “why?” Why did I cut? The answer to that question was so difficult to explain. I cut because my sister over-dosed on drugs, I cut because my father took her and left me with my controlling mother, I cut because my mom is a bitch and has never been there for me in my life, I cut because I hate my life and I hate who I’ve become…I finally singled out one answer and told it to him.
“So I can control just one thing in my life.”
He looked up at me then and pushed his wet hair from his face.
“You want control?” He asked. “Control over your perfect, cookie-cutter life?”
I scowled at him. “You do not know me so don’t even pretend like you do!” I hissed. “I do not have a ‘perfect cookie-cutter life’ and I thought that you would have realized that by now.”
He tried to say something but I cut him off.
“If my life was perfect then my mother would be more motherly, my sister wouldn’t have gotten knocked up and then try to kill herself and her unborn child, my father wouldn’t have left me with the stupid bitch that calls herself my ‘mom’ and I wouldn’t have to stare at Priscilla’s ugly pinched face all day!”
I was shaking with anger now and I couldn’t control myself.
“I’m sorry if you don’t like that I hurt myself, but its my body and I could do what I want to it, including cutting or whatever else it is I do to make my life a little less shitty.”
I swapped at a rogue tear and Ian reached up and grabbed me by both of my wrists.
“I only care because I care about you, Bree. Don’t you realize that by now?”
“No, stop it.” I said, trying to pull away from him. “You have no right.”
“What are you afraid of?” He asked. “Are you afraid to open up and get hurt? Because I’m not going anywhere, I’m still here.”
I struggled against his hold for a little longer but then I couldn’t fight him anymore and I fell onto his chest. He let go of my wrists and pulled me until I was sitting on his lap, his arms were tight around my waist and his head was resting on my hair.
“You don’t have to admit it, but I know you care about me too. You stayed here for the weekend, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t want to go home.” I admitted. “Because she’s waiting for me there, waiting to judge my every move and make sure I don’t end up screwed up like her other daughter.”
He pulled me back and made me look at him. “You are not a screw up. Do you understand that?”
He looked so sincere and I could see the honesty in his words so it was hard not to nod my head.
“Good, now promise me something.”
I bit my lip, “Okay.”
“You can’t cut anymore. Please, don’t cut anymore. If you don’t I’ll help you, I’ll be here when you need me and you can stay here whenever you want. Just please stop hurting yourself.”
For the last few days, being with Ian had been my sanctuary, I hadn’t wanted to cut or felt the need to cut, hell, I hadn’t even needed pills to relax. He was right that night at the party, he was like my drug and without him I spiraled out of control.
“I promise.” I told him.
He smiled and pulled my face up to his to kiss me.

We ended up falling back to sleep, no sex involved, and two hours later I was rudely awaken by my ringing phone. I fumbled around until my fingers closed around it.
“Hello?” I said groggily, surprised that I could even form words.
“Where the hell are you?” Priscilla asked. “Coach is furious.”
I had forgotten it was Saturday! Shit, excuse, excuse.
“I’m really fucking sick.” I lied, but my groggy voice made it sound real. “Tell her I’m puking my guts out and can’t make it. I’ll make up for it on Sunday.”
“You better.” Priscilla sneered.
I hung up on her before she could say anything else.
“Who was that?” Ian asked sleepily.
I put my phone on the bed-side table and turned to face him.
“Priscilla. I missed practice.”
He smiled, his eyes still closed and cuddled closer to me. “Oh well.”
I laughed and rested my head against his. “Oh well is right.”

Sunday Ian dropped me off at practice and I went in with a big smile on my face. I joined my little group of girls and didn’t even have to fake my cheeriness, which was a nice change.
“What’s with all the smiles?” Kerrie asked at the same time Maya said, “Is that a hickey?”
I touched the side of my neck and then remembered. “Ha, I guess so.”
“That explains everything.” Kerrie added, doing her stretches.
I copied her movements. “Explains everything?” I questioned.
“The smiles and the glowing face. You got laid, and I’m guessing it was good.”
I laughed and continued stretching. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”
“Oh my god, who was it?” Maya asked. “Clay?”
I shuttered, remembering that one time, and shook my head. That would never, ever happen again.
“Then who?” She questioned.
That was when Priscilla decided to join us; everyone stopped talking about the subject then. Coach found me and reprimanded me for missing practice the day before. I got away by smiling and feigning illness and then by promising to prefect a very hard tumbling move. She let me off easy, but that was only because I was her key flyer and she couldn’t afford to loose me. We practiced our routine for three hours! and after that she made us run two laps and then do our tumbling work-outs. By then, Ian had already came to get me but obviously I couldn’t just leave practice without coach’s permission, so he went and found a spot on the bleachers. Some of the girls were giving him weird looks and I started to panic, which was bad considering the amazing weekend I just had with him. Was I ready for the girls to see me with him? I was just finishing my routine when Ray came out of the weight room, she saw Ian in the stands and jogged over to where he was sitting, joining him. They started talking and laughing and I calmed down; everyone would think he was there for her.
When practice ended, coach gave us a speech and then released us. I went to the showers with the girls and by the time I got out only a few of them were left; Kerrie, Maya, and Priscilla, whom was shooting Ray dirty looks, included. I saw Ian watching me, waiting expectantly but I couldn’t make myself move towards him. He noticed, Ian’s a smart guy, and I saw his face get really hurt.
“Okay seriously, why is that creepy kid staring at us?” Priscilla asked. “He must be the lucky guy Ray’s screwing.”
I felt my anger start boiling over again.
“Seriously, they should just leave, somebody should say something.”
That was it. “Why don’t you just shut the fuck up?” I asked her. “First of all, Ray is a really nice girl. After you all ditched me at her party, she made me breakfast and then drove me home. Secondly, if Ray is a whore, than what exactly are you because I think you sleep around just as much, if not more than she does and we all know that Carter isn’t your only boy toy.”
Priscilla’s face was shocked, and so were Maya and Kerrie’s, hell I was shocked on the inside; I had never snapped before.
“And lastly, he’s not Ray’s latest endeavor, he happens to be here for me, so if you’d all excuse me, I have better places to be.”
And with that I stored away, cheer bag in-tow, towards Ian and Ray. He smiled at me when I finally made it to where he was sitting.
“Are you ready to get out of here?” I asked him.
“Absolutely.” He replied, standing up and kissing my forehead.
I grabbed his hand and led him down the bleachers but not before saying ‘bye’ to Ray. When I was buckled into his mustang he leaned over and gave me a lingering kiss on the lips.
“What was that for?” I asked when he pulled away.
“For standing up for yourself. Hottest thing I’ve seen, by far.”
I rolled my eyes and settled back in my seat.
“So, where to?” He asked.
“Your house?”
“That’s what I was thinking.”