FATE

84. Red Ribbon

JONAH

"Let's talk about the most important relationships in your life today", Jeanne crosses her legs and says.

I lean back into the sofa. I would have preferred just speaking to Jeanne in her office because this room is set up like a therapist's office but between last week and this week, the couch was changed and it is the softest thing I have ever felt in my life.

"Relationships?", I ask, "is this about Brooke?"

She shakes her head, "not just Brooke", she says, "all your relationships. Your best friend for instance"

"Hailee"

"Yes, Hailee", she says, "is there anything you think you could have done different in your relationship with Hailee"

I tip my head backward and gaze at the white ceiling for a while. What could I have changed in my friendship with Hailee? I should have been there for her. I should have been a better friend.

"I feel like I should have done better", I say, "no matter how much I think about it, I wasn't a good friend"

"Why do you feel like you weren't?"

I adjust myself so I'm staring at her, "Hailee and I were spiraling down a really dark hole and I failed to protect her"

Jeanne snorts, "you didn't protect yourself either"

I shrug, "Hailee has always been more important", I say, "I would suffer forever if it meant she was healing instead. She's been through too much, a lot more than I have", I scoff, "actually, compared to Hailee, I haven't been through anything at all"

Jeanne nods.

"And when she had the accident and survived, it looked like life was giving her a second chance and she saw her parents, and she saw me and the people who care about her- and she decided to heal for them. I envied that. She was strong. I wasn't"

"You're doing the same thing right now"

"Yeah, but I had to almost die to make this decision"

"So did Hailee", she smiles.

I blink at Jeanne and then sigh, leaning back into the couch. I glance around the room, at the peach colored walks, the soft brown rug beneath my feet, the round wooden table in between the couch and the rather comfy-looking chair Jeanne is sitting in. There's a flower vase with yellow sunflowers in it. My gaze flickers back to Jeanne and she's scribbling in her book again.

I wonder what she's writing.

"So, we already spoke about Brooke", Jeanne looks up, "and came to no conclusion"

I grin, "is that your fault or mine?"

She stares at me blankly, "I think she's your ex-girlfriend", her tone is bemused but the word 'ex-girlfriend' doesn't sit well with me.

I shift uncomfortably in the seat, "so what about Brooke?"

Jeanne clasps her hands, "when you feel something remotely close to love for Brooke, your mind tends to give you thoughts that contradict those feelings", she says, "it could be due to your own insecurity..."

"I'm not insecure", I interrupt.

Jeanne raises one brow, "well, it could also be due to the face that you are unfamiliar with said feelings"

I snap my fingers and nod, "that makes much more sense"

"I happen to think it's both", she mutters but I pretend not to hear her.