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Abeeha's review

Review by Abeeha

Username: winnie_loves_honey
Title: The Happiest Girl in the World
Reviewer: @Abeeha_32

Cover+Title:

I like the picture you have chosen for your cover. It's simple and beautiful. The smiling girl perfectly depicts the 'happiest girl in the world' and the clouds as the background give off a vibe of bliss. The only problem with the cover is the font. It's pretty, just not perfect for the picture. The white colour of the font is entirely merging with the colour of the background. 'THE' is not visible at all while 'happiest' and 'girl' are also somewhat lost in the background. My suggestion will be to change the font or at least, the font colour.
[Personal suggestion: Your last cover worked better with the story]

Coming to the title, some people might say that it's way too simple and straightforward but I genuinely don't feel that way. That's a new title for me, and it really does manage to hook readers. I found your title simple, creative, and a total thumbs up.

Blurb:

The blurb is fine for most of the parts. The rhetoric question at the end made me smile so hard. I believe it was a very nice effect. The blurb is not too long, but it does manage to perfectly capture the main concept of your novel in a nutshell. There were instances where I felt the execution became a bit clumsy, but a quick re-write will do the job. I'd conclude by saying that the blurb is great, all it needs is some sparkle of your creativity.♡

Grammar+Writing Style:

First of all, there were some errors with some points in the chapters. I'll list the ones I found in the first five chapters, so that you can work on the others.

Chapter-1

After a moment, I I straighten up.
Correction: Fix the typo here (double I)

I didn't want to deal with it so close the day
Correction: This sentence feels a bit weird.
Maybe rephrase it like:
I didn't want to deal with it when the day was so close.

Chapter-3
I wouldn't change my time 'ere with Gus fer the world.
Correction: I didn't get what you meant by 'fer'. Is that a typo for 'for' ?

Another thing that bothered me in Stella's dialogues is the repeated use of an apostrophe for 'g' in the ING form of words.
Eg: Retirin'
Plannin'
It's not technically wrong, but the excessive use disrupts the flow of your writing. It's used too many times and that just makes the sentences, awkward?

"what's going to happen to the store?"
Correction: "What's going to happen to the store?"

...be the next Bill Amazon...
Correction: Consider putting a comma (,) after BILL.

I noticed that you have again written 'yer' instead of 'your'. Is that colloquialism?
If that's the case, then I don't mind but do consider condensing the dialogues. The excessive informality comes off as a bit jarring sometimes.

The paragraph in which she thanks Chris for being a great, elder brother, the quotes are not closed. Do make the change :))

No, she would want you to be happy and not that fake smile you have on at school everyday.

The first part of the sentence (till happy) somehow contradicts the whole sentence.
It reads slightly wrong.
Maybe rephrase it like:
No, she would want you to be happy, rather than faking smiles at school everyday.

That's just one way of doing it, you can stick to your own ways.

What, you think I can't see the difference...
Correction: What(?) You think I can't see the difference...

Hey, tomorrow, can we visit Lindsey's grave?
Correction: Hey, can we visit Lindsey's grave tomorrow?
There is nothing wrong in the sentence you have opted for, the only thing is that it sounds unstructured and doesn't flow nicely.

Chapter-4

I am sure it's much too early to be awake.
Correction: Either use 'much' or use 'too'. The use of both the words together sounds weird.

Your brother makes the best omelets
Correction: The spelling will be: OMELETTES

Devon walks with me to the headstone
The thing that bothered me is that why is this portion in italics?

Chapter-5

Okay, okay, I'm done my shake.
Correction: Okay, okay, I'm done WITH my shake.

There were some recurring errors, the most common ones being the wrong structure of sentences. It's like nothing major is wrong with them, they just don't seem professional. If you could consider rephrasing all the awkward, clumsy sentences you find, that'll greatly escalate your work.^^

• Little to no typos at all. I was amazed at how cautiously everything is written. You really seem to have put in a lot of efforts in your work. Kudos to you!

• The vocabulary was medium. Not too simple but not too expansive as well. I, however, like the fact as that makes your work reader-friendly and since it's not too simple as well, the perfect balance is maintained.

•The level of improvement from the 1st chapter to the 25th chapter is praiseworthy. Like literally, you deserve all the appreciation for that. The word choice becomes better and better. Amazing!

Dialogues:

This is the area you might have to work on. The dialogues were so simple, that they seemed unrealistic. Especially the ones with Chris, they did not look like a brother-sister convo at all. In forming an emotional connect with the readers, dialogues play a pivotal role. A little personal advice would be: Imagine as if you are in the character's place and write what you think, you would've have spoken in the situation. That way, it naturally comes out as genuine and that opens your character to new aspects of detailing too.

•A book is all about vivid descriptions and lucid detailing. I believe that there were no major descriptions. You should maybe expand your writing sphere by telling more about little things, the things that are trivially important. That greatly helps readers to form a mental picture and also makes the readers feel every emotion deeply.

The writing style is simple yet intriguing. The insults are just praiseworthy and Alyssa's guilt [taking Lindsey's death in consideration] is very well-portrayed. Great work, mate!

Plot:

The plot is anything but enchanting. The premise is cliché and the storyline is kind of predictable. I, however, love the addition of the date of 5th April and how she is happy all the time but gloomy on one particular day. That's a concept which is new and intriguing, and might be one of the key reasons someone stumbles upon your book.
There is a lot of mystery revolving around Lindsey's death and that just makes your book stand out.

Characters:

I love Alyssa's character! Her innocent yet snarky personality is so well-depicted and she is very relatable with her own share of flaws and quality traits. Her insults by the mere use of casual words and not swearing is just too adorable. It shows how much thought you've put into her character. Marvelous!

Ace's character could have come out better, is what I have analyzed. It is vague to be honest, hindering the possibilities of character development. Try exploring his character in greater depth, giving him realistic qualities. I am sure readers are going to love the change. Let the character open up, his gentleman personality should come out more prominently.

Other characters, including Devon and Chris are extremely well-written. Their support is constant and is shown in the most genuine way possible. Reading about their bond is surely heartwarming. Good work!

Overall enjoyment:

A promising novel is what I'd say. This is the perfect depiction of teen-fiction and I am pretty sure that with the above mentioned points, your book is going to definitely reach the heights it deserves. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I am pretty sure that the bunch of teens reading it feel the same. Thank you so much for being so so patient with your review. I really hope that it was helpful and if you ever have any queries, remember that I am just a PM away. Keep writing and stay motivated love.

Until next time!❤