"Hoy! 'wag mong ituloy 'yan!" I heard a shout from behind and before I could do my plan he already grab my arm to keep me from falling.
"shoot let me go! pabayaan mo'ko ayoko na!" I shot back while forcing myself to get away from his grip. curse him from stopping me!
"Kung gusto mong magpakamatay, huwag dito mahirap maglinis ng sahig dagdag traffic pa sa mga taong magkukumpulan pag bagsak ng wasak wasak na katawan mo!"
Natigil ako sa pagpupumiglas at di makapaniwalang tumingin sa kaniya. I've been living my life miserable, does he think I'm still open for a joke time?
" sa tingin mo nakikipaglokohan ba ko?"
As if on cue, he took away his grip from me then put his hands inside his pocket. he breathed heavily before looking intensely in my eyes.
"I can hear your inner self telling that to you, nakikipaglokohan ba sarili mo?"
"Wala kong panahon para sa mga kalokohan mo" I replied and started walking again palapit sa kinatatayuan ko kanina. I'm so tired living like this.
"Pero may panahon kang makipagsanib pwersa kay kamatayan? who are you to decide when you'll die?"
I stop walking and look back at him with the most impatient look I could give.
"And who are you to question my decisions in life? hindi mo alam ang pinagdadaanan ko. you don't know the feeling of waking up every morning with the same feeling of being tired. nakakapagod tang ina."
"I may not know what you're going through, but everything is not worth reason to end your own life. why are you ending your life when it's not yet your time? there's a reason why you're still waking up everyday. use your senses, be holistic." he said in a very comforting way, I feel like my tears was going to burst, those tears I've been trying to hold back everyday.
"reason? maybe to slap me that my life's always miserable, that luck would never go with me. para iparamdam sa'ken na wala akong karapatang sumaya at magkaroon ng maayos na buhay. maybe that's the--"
I stop and was caught off guard when he suddenly punched me that made me lose my balance and sit on the floor, I look at the floor intently while feeling and tasting the blood in my lips.
"I'm not sorry for punching you, you deserve that. I won't interrupt with your suicidal acts from now on but keep this in mind. if you can't live for yourself, live for those who needs you. make them your inspiration."
My tears started flowing down my cheeks at di ko napigilang mapahahulgol ng malakas, It's like all the tears I've been holding since then was now embracing Its freedom.
"I just want to disappear, can't I do that? I'm so tired playing this game."
I heard his footsteps coming to me and then sat infront of me. he pat my shoulder lightly giving me the comfort I never knew exists.
"you don't wanna die, you're just tired and fucked up. have you ever tried resting for a while? you're not a robot. kung ang physical activities mayroong rest time, don't forget that our emotional and mental health requires rest too."
I cried hard infront of him, and he suddenly embrace me with his arms, while tapping my back. i hold his arms as if gaining strength from him and cried my heart out.
"It's normal to be sad, It's okay to cry sometimes It doesn't make us less of a human. I love you and I care for you, don't waste your life."
I was shocked by his sudden I love you so I looked at him with confusion written in my face, he seems to notice my confusion that made him chuckle.
"we people should normalize saying I love you, nakakalimutan niyo ng nageexist din ang platonic love." he defend while smiling, I smiled back at him and it feels like a burden has been lifted in my back, nakakahawang ngiti.
"don't forget to rest, value your life."
that's his last word before he unwrapped his arms around me and started walking away from where I was sitting, I stayed there for a minute trying to compromise all the things that had happened.
i look at the sky and cry once again. i almost lost it.
kahit nanghihina'y tumayo na ako at naglakad papuntang hagdan pababa sa hospital, pagbaba ko'y naabutan ko ang nakababata kong kapatid na tahimik na nakaupo at kumakain ng candies habang nanunuod sa cellphone sa harap ng operating room kung nasaan kasalukuyang inooperahan ang ina namin.
I got teary eyed upon realizing how much I needed to live.
I walked towards my sister habang inaalala ang isa sa mga sinabi niya sa'ken 'if you can't live for yourself, live for those who needs you'' tama, I should live for them for now because I know someday, I will learn to live for myself.
"kuya, gusto mo ng lollipop?" I smiled and take her offer. I'm so lucky that man came on time. I almost lost it.
We waited there when the other door opened making the crying voice inside be heard, and before they close the door I saw the man who stopped me from killing myself earlier lying on a bed with people crying around him. I noticed the bruises in his neck.
