Caged Nightingale

Saara 67

I give him a hard look. Bore a warning straight into him. Dont be an arsehole! Of course he ignores me. His face is neutral, revealing nothing as he shuts the study door behind them. My father has the grace and temper of a rhinoceros. From the moment he embraces me, I am aware of the mixture of emotions coming from him. He's furious but at the same time impressed that I made it back in one piece.
Over lunch, I see he can barely contain his annoyance whenever I speak to Atif. In fact he can barely take his eyes off him. Pinning him with his cold stare, trying to intimidate him. Atif pretends not to notice.  I see the tension in his shoulders.  He is polite and says very little. I'm sure he's been through worse.
My mother seems relieved to get me alone when my father leads Atif away. Instead we go out and sit on the veranda.  I  know what she's going to ask even before she speaks.
"I married him." I say hoping that should be enough.
"But its not really a marriage. . . " she says tentatively.
"He helped me when I needed it, put my safety first, took a great risk- for me-"
"Yes, but-"
I cut her off immediately.
"-He was respectful, kind." I turn to look back at the house. "He looked after me!" I don't know why I feel annoyed, but I suddenly feel myself bristle. I know she sees the good looking tall, dark and handsome stranger. To her I'm being immature, impulsive, naive. She doesn't see past the way he looks or his reputation. He's a dodgy salesman in her eyes. It doesn't matter if he's made millions or has more connections than my father ever had.  She sees only a liability.
Irritated and dismissive, she tuts and looks away. "You don't  even know him!" She mutters.
"I know enough." I say stubbonly.
We sit quietly for a while.
"If it wasn't for him, I'd probably be dead right now!" I say and let her ruminate on that for a while.  "I know what you're thinking.  I thought the same way, but he is a genuinely good guy. He'd do anything to keep me safe.  Kill anyone that tried to hurt me- how many people can you say that about? Where was dad when I needed him?" She looks shocked and I know I've crossed a line- but I don't care. "Yes he probably has some shady dealings.  Maybe the way he makes some of his money is not all above board. Dont they all do the same?! We're not gonna pretend now are we that dad's never got his hands dirty? I know I moved some of his assets for him. When all's said and done he's never lied to me. . " I know comparing him to dad is adding insult to injury for my mother but she needs to stop being so proud and snobby.
The look on her face shows she's not fully convinced, but there's doubt there.
"I know he's different-" my mother scoffs here, I suppose he couldn't be more different from Asim.
"Asim's not coming back!" I say finally. "-and I don't want another Asim!" It would be a betrayal to his memory. I don't want to replace him with another guy just like him. If that were even possible! I think about my apartment, this house, my parents. It all looks different. I'm different now. I feel like I've woken up for the first time in years, since Asim's death. I was living life on auto pilot. Zoning out of my own life. Just sleepwalking through it for the last few  years. It feels strange because I suddenly realise I don't need their approval. I don't care if they can or cant see past their crappy stereotypes of him. He's a good guy and its their loss if they don't recognise it.
My mother must see the stubborn child in me because she suddenly changes track.  "Saara, just take your time." She places her palm on my arm "Don't make any rash decisions. You don't need to-you're back now! See how things pan out."
I know she's right, that she's coming from a place of genuine concern. Things might look different yet again- in a few weeks, its unlikely.
I sigh and look up at the blossom tree above our heads. The petals are falling like snowflakes drowning out the fading light in the evening sky.
"It might be too late for that" I say not taking my eyes off the falling petals  "I haven't had my period for the last 3 weeks."