Caged Nightingale

43-Saara

I dont know why the sight of the passport makes me want to cry but it does. Whether it is relief or disappointment or sadness, I'm not sure. I do cry in the shower, When i turn on the water, it drowns out my sobs. I stay sat under the water for the best part of half an hour. I sob because i hate making decisions. Because i like Atif and this feels like self sabotage. Because a part of me felt like this was not real and now i have to decide whether i want to commit to it and turn it into a reality. I cry because a part of me still loves asim and this means moving on. I cry because im scared that after Asim, Atif is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i don't want to break his heart.
But most of all, i cry because i think.i might be in love with him.
Its decision time. He's left the passport for me. He wants me to decide for myself.
I'm scared. Doing the right thing for me- might not be the right thing for everyone. Doing the right thing by Atif might not be the right thing for me.
I always put others first. Asim, dad, now Atif. I'm scared that i wont have the courage to do what's sensible- leave and return to safety. Or the wisdom to realise it might be Atif that I want over my real life.
This whole time, I've been waiting, enduring, pretending, allowing myself to indulge in the pretence that its temporary, fake. Now i can see, the only person i was fooling was myself.
Asma arrives about midday. She tuts as she opens the curtains and lets the light flood into the room. Opens a window and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. I sit up and she takes my chin and moves my face side to side.
'What a mess' she says. My eyes are swollen and there are dark circles under them. I know i must resemble road kill. 'No man is worth this.' She says.
I can't stop the tears. I cry silently, pursing my lips and making an effort to swallow the sobs. She looks away and sighs but reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it. We stay like this for a while before she nods suddenly and stands.
'Come on, I'm starving!' She says 'lets eat something!'
She must have asked the chef to prepare something, because the food is set out on the dining table. Omelette, parotas, pink halwa, tea. A proper brunch. I eat properly for the first time in days. Only a little, but it tastes good.
An hour later we're sat in front of the tv watching some drama. Not much has changed since i last watched it. Asma doesnt bring up Atif and neither do I. She stays for a couple of hours and i seem to revert back to the old me as i listen to her tell me about the shinanigans at her last hair appointment. I find myself smiling at her antics and momentarily forgetting my own woes. She continues to fill the time with an entertaining update on what's been happening in her life and I'm grateful for it. I listen and listen and listen, like its something novel. The sound of another persons voice.
It's only as she's leaving, that she hugs me and says 'I'm gonna miss you.'
Her visit seems to boost me out of my low mood. I brush my hair, wash my face and go and sit in garden. Enjoying the waning heat of the early evening, closing my eyes and resting my head back against the garden swing. I must fall asleep, because when i awaken, Atif is kneeling in front of me. The sky is bleeding out and i can smell the heady fragrance of jasmin in the air. The weight of his hand resting on my shoulder is comforting and warm. I take it and kiss it holding it close to my chest.
He smiles and moves to sit on the swing with me. I lift my head till its resting on his lap and then snuggle into him. I wish we could stay like this for ever.