16:58

Chapter Sixty-Two

Would having someone die suddenly and unexpectedly hurt less than having their death be long and slow and expected? I always wondered what would be worse. As a kid, I always thought someone's unexpected death would be worse because you'd never get to say goodbye. You'd never be able to get peace or closure with them.

But now I'm not so sure. I've never loved anyone the way I love Colton. And watching him slowly get a little bit weaker each day and watching his eyes slowly get less bright and watching him slip away from me is...indescribable.

It's devastating.

It's like I'm dying with him. Watching him get closer to letting go and knowing that there's nothing that I can do to save him...I don't even know. It's devastating. It's going to ruin me. And it feels like someone's sticking needles into my stomach and twisting them as I'm trying to catch the pieces and put them back together and make Colton okay.

I don't think there's ever going to be a feeling as painful as this. Yes, I get to say goodbye and tell him that I love him, but waves of devastation and pain keep slamming into me every time I remember that I'm going to have to say goodbye forever. And nothing hurts worse than knowing that there's nothing I can do to save him.

So I guess I'm still lost. Is it better to have to move on right away? To never get to say goodbye? Or is it better to say goodbye but lose a piece of yourself everyday because you're terrified of knowing the day where they're lost forever is getting closer?

I swear, I would give anything to save him. I don't care what it would cost me. I just want him. Forever. I would sacrifice myself to save him. But that's not an option. There's no other option besides the inevitable. And it ends with me holding an empty hand, staring at the hollow reality of the life I could've had with Colton.

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I wish I could say I was numb. But that would be a lie. When you're numb, there's just nothing. It's like you're watching yourself go through life but you're not feeling anything. You almost wish you could, but at the same time it's easier to feel nothing. You don't feel pain or sadness or happiness.

I wish I was numb.

Because right now?

I feel dead.

It feels like I died over and over and over again and I got caught in the moments right before I was gone. Right when every piece of my being was screaming in agony for things to stop. It's like my skin and my heart and my eyes are rubbed so horribly raw that there's just pain. Pain that makes it hard to breathe and think and function.

And I've been sitting in the car with my knees to my chest with tears falling silently down my face for minutes that felt like hours. I still can't process everything. When you're numb you don't think. When you're dead you can't think.

I keep telling myself what just happened and what it means but I can't. I can't make it seem real.

Colton got into the trial. But he's not eligible anymore. His spot is going to someone else.

There's nothing else. That was his last chance.

There's no other trials or studies. There's no form of chemotherapy or surgery or meds.

There's nothing left to save him.

Not a single fucking thing.

And it's destroying me. It's tearing me up on the inside. It's making it hard to eat and sleep and live. I'm so utterly terrified. Of everything. Colton is my entire world and I can't lose him. But it's not up to me or him or anyone. It's something completely out of everyone's control.

And I can say that and think that, but not mean it. Not realize it fully. The thing that's destroying me the most is not being able to save him. I feel like there has to be something I can do. Anything.

I really would give anything to save him. Even if it's my life for his. And in TV or movies or books, maybe that would work. Maybe he would live if I didn't.

But this is real life.

He's going to be gone soon and I have to figure out how to come to peace with that.

I feel his hand brush my waist and I unfold and look at him. He's laying across the back seats. I don't even have to think about what I'm doing before I climb into the back and lay on his chest. I feel him sigh as he wraps his arms around me.

We hold each other in silence and slowly our breathing starts to match up.

"I..." I sigh as I trail off. I can't figure out exactly what to say.

"It's okay," Colton murmurs as his hand rubs my back gently.

I'm staring down into his green eyes and this warm feeling spreads over my stomach and it slowly spreads all over my body and it's like it's taking over the cold, dead icy feeling.

I lick my lips. "When I look at you, I see my entire future," I tell him.

"Andy," he tells me softly and I can see the pain flicking across his eyes. "You know..." he tells me quietly.

"I know. " I sigh as I sit up. "I know this is cliche, but if you jump, I'd jump."

He nods.

I look around for a second before looking back at him. "But right now it's like...I don't know. It's like you're getting pushed off of the cliff and I'm paralyzed at the top of it watching you fall."

Colton pushes a peice of hair back behind my ear. "It's okay," he murmurs. "You can't jump after me this time."

I sigh and close my eyes. "I know."

Colton's eyes meet mine. "I had to come to terms with everything a while ago, but I never found peace with them until I was with you," he says. "I don't have any regrets because I'm with you. And I know that I'm falling and I'm going to to hit the end soon, but it doesn't matter because even though you're stuck at the top watching me slip away from you, I'm smiling. You gave me the best life I could have asked for."

I nod and I feel my lip quivering as I'm trying to hold back tears. "Why do I feel like you're saying goodbye?" I whisper.

Colton brushes away the tears falling down my cheeks. "Promise me that you'll never forget that."

"I won't," I whisper as I put my hand on his arm.

"All you can do is love me as hard and as recklessly as you can," Colton tells me. "That's the only thing that I want."

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I keep thinking about if it would be easier if Colton died unexpectedly. If I didn't know about his cancer. If I didn't know that he was dying. Because knowing? It's like watching him get pushed off a cliff when I'm paralyzed. But not knowing? It'd be like being on the top of the cliff with him until one day he wasn't there anymore. He'd be gone and I'd be staring at where he used to be.