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Chapter Thirty-Four: Christmas Tree Lights

(This chapter is dedicated to my grandmother who recently passed away. She always supported me and my writing. I fucking miss you, Grandma.)

I feel fucking destroyed when I walk into my apartment. After the movie, I went to the hospital with Tasha and Bobbe. Colton stayed behind. Majeste hasn't woken up yet, and his time is running out. Bobbe has no idea.

"How was the hospital?" Colton asks me.

"It was...I don't know. Fucking rough," I tell him. I sigh as I take my coat off and hang it up. "I know I've said this a lot, but everything is such a fucking disaster and so fucked up. Like, I just want to forget about everything for a minute."

"I know what you mean," Colton says. We both sit down at the table. I have my head resting in my hand while I look at Colton.

"Nothing seems to make sense anymore," I say. "There's no fucking rhyme or reason to why things happen."

"I'm sorry," Colton says. He doesn't say anything for a minute but then he stands up. "Do you have a Christmas tree?"

I frown. "Yeah. It's probably falling apart though."

"That's okay," he says as he starts turning off all of the lights. I frown but don't say anything. The only lights he leaves on are the multicolored string lights around the Christmas tree. And then he lays down on the floor.

"What are you looking at?" I ask him. He pats the floor next to him. I sigh and lay down next to Colton.

"Just look at the ceiling," he tells me. "All of the lights make the ceiling look like another galaxy or something. Look at how they reflect."

He's right. The ceiling looks magical almost with how the green and blue and purple and red lights swirl together. It's so fucking pretty. It seems like a different world.

I think I must whisper something quietly because Colton smiles at me. And we don't say anything for a few more minutes. We're just staring off into what seems like the stars and all of my worries are slowly slipping away.

It feels so dreamy, almost. And it's so simple because it's just laying next to Colton and staring at some lights, but it feels like so much more. It's like maybe for the next few minutes or even for the night, Colton can almost be mine. And all of the bad shit can go away.

I keep looking over at Colton and then looking back at the ceiling. I keep reminding myself that he's real and he's here. It's strange because even though my feelings are so conflicted and complicated towards him and us, it just feels so peaceful right now. Everything is just still and at ease. And time is slipping away staring at the ceiling, but every minute is so fucking worth it.

"What are you thinking about?" Colton asks, turning his head to look at me.

"Stuff I guess," I tell him. "And you a little bit. What are you thinking about?"

"Everything and nothing," he says.

"It feels so peaceful right now," I say. "It's almost like time stopped."

"I know," he says.

I feel his hand brush against my pinkie and I realize how close we're lying to each other. We're both lying on our backs, and our shoulders and arms are almost touching. But his pinkie is barely touching mine. And I know I should move my hand away, but I also really want to move closer. But staying exactly in this moment seems like the best thing.

"Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?" he asks.

I think about it for a minute. "I got you," I say. "Even though you're leaving, and you aren't mine...I don't know. It's like so bittersweet because I don't want to say goodbye, but even just being around you for a few days was almost enough. It's like you made me remember what living felt like."