16:58

Chapter Sixty

"Heyyyyyy," Cooper says. I'm FaceTiming him and Malik. Colton's still sleeping.

I grin. "Hey."

"How's your boy?" Malik asks.

"He's...I don't know. He's okay right now. He had a rough night last night, but he's better now," I tell them. "It's nice that we're away from the hospital for a little bit, but when we get back I have a lot of shit to do."

"That sucks," Cooper says.

Malik nods. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

I sigh as I rub my face. "I don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's my entire fucking world."

"I mean, obviously you should be realistic and prepare for the absolute worst scenario," Malik says, "But what if Colton gets put into a trial? Or if there's some drug that's effective?"

"I know," I say quietly. "And I really am hopeful but fuck. I don't even know."

"Are you guys having a good time?" Cooper asks.

I nod and then smile. "We are." I look down the hallway towards the bedroom. "We're almost out of condoms."

"Damnnnn," Cooper says and I grin as I shake my head. "That's good."

"Yeah," I say. My smile slips slightly. "Fuck. I keep forgetting but I need to email all of my professors."

"I'm sure they're gonna understand," Malik says.

I sigh as I rub my neck. "I know, it's just...I don't know. I can't figure out what to say," I tell them. "Thinking about what's gonna happen is different than saying it. Saying that he's gonna...die stings. But writing it down? Typing it in a fucking email? I can't do that shit. That makes it seem too real."

"Things are going to be okay," Cooper tells me.

I nod. "I know. It just doesn't seem like that," I explain as I start playing with the sleeve of my sweater. "He keeps reminding me that I need to be ready to move on but I don't want to. I just want to spend the rest of my life with him."

Malik and Cooper are silent for a minute and I sigh as I look out the window. It's raining today.

"I know this is dark," Cooper says as he shifts, "But at least you get a chance to say goodbye. You know? Like you can say goodbye and tell him that you love him."

"That's true," I murmur as my mind keeps racing. Saying goodbye seems unthinkable. None of it even seems real.

*************

"Colton, we have to talk about this," I tell him. I'm sitting at the table hugging my knees and he's leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Can't it wait?" he asks.

"No." I sigh as I rub my forehead. "You said later a few days ago. It's later now and we're going back tomorrow. We have to talk about it now."

Colton sighs as he runs his hands through his hair. "I really don't want to do this."

"Colton, do you think I do?" I ask him.

"I know," he says. He sits down next to me and bumps his knees into mine.

"So," I start as I shift the pen in my hand.

"So," Colton says.

"What are your wishes?" A sick feeling pools in the bottom of my stomach as soon as I ask it.

"I have no fucking clue," Colton says quietly. He's staring at the ground and I'm looking at him.

I swallow. "Do you want a funeral?"